Pulling Away

[OFI]

Hi there I'm looking for some advice with my current situation.

 

I've been seeing this great guy for a couple of months now, he's introduced me to his friends and always talks about the future which has obviously made me think this is serious, which I'm very happy about.

 

A normal week would mean me staying at his house 3/4 nights and speaking every day - even if it's just a couple of messages.

 

2 weeks ago I went on hoiday and kept in contact with him fine. When I got back he informed me that he's been having a really crap week, felt fed up and said that he didn't want to see me that night because he wouldn't have been much good company. I told him that it was fine and to let me know when he was free to see me and if there's anything I can do for him. He's since said that he's having an absolute nightmare of a time in work, is knackered all the time, fed up, not in a good place, and feels angry and frustrated. I told him that I was here for him if he needed someone to talk to or if he just needed a back tickle (he absolutely loves them!!). I tried to be supportive but not too overpowering since we've just started out in our relationship.

 

This was last Thursday and I've had no communication from him since then. I know he's been online, so he's at least reading people's messages but I've heard nothing from him. I don't even have a clue what he was doing last weekend! This is just not normal and I appreciate that he's stressed out at work and that he obviously doesn't want to talk to me about it and I'm really trying not to take it personally. I've never experienced him stressed out so I don't know if this is just how he copes with things but I feel completely lost and confused. I've even found myself lying to family and friends saying that I've spoken to him but I'm just not going to see him because subconsciously I guess I feel embarrassed that he can't turn to me.

 

I'm not the clingy type of girl at all but his sudden behaviour change has me worried about him. Could it be that more is worrying him than just work? I've never had a problem like this before in any of my past relationships as we've always communicated openly from the beginning.

 

We haven't now seen each other in over 2 weeks and the lack of communication makes me think that he's not bothered by this.

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences or could anyone offer any adivce? I've told myself to wait until Friday night, until he's finished work for the week, to call him and see if he wants to see me this weekend but I'm worried something's wrong with him and just want to see that he's ok. I'm trying to supress my fear that he's pulling away from me but it's hard when I've not seen him in so long.

 

Thanks in advance for your help guys!! x

[ghostgirl116]

hello there! if he just quit communicating with you for that long, it sounds like maybe he is pulling away from the relationship. it could just be that he isn't ready for it yet. guys are funny that way, I think. they can like you so very much, and then flip a switch and declare they just aren't ready for it. I suppose ladies do it, too, but I've not heard of women doing this type of thing so much. it sounds like he is "ghosting" you. which means this is his way of breaking things off... by completely ignoring you. I would give him a call, even if you have to leave a message, and say "hey, I need to know what is going on. if you're wanting to break up with me, please do it properly so that I can get some closure and move on with my life." you don't have to be snide or angry when you call, but it is selfish of him to break up with you by ghosting you. I had a guy do this to me. in fact, I wrote about it on here several years ago. finally, he just said he needed some time to get his life together. really, he picked me back up again several months later, and then ghosted me again!! ouch!! if your guy doesn't respond to your call, well then, that is your answer. better he show his cowardly colors now than two or three years down the line when you really have something invested in him. and ask yourself: do you deserve better than this type of behavior from him? I hope you answer yes to that one!

 

btw, the guy who ghosted me in the past (very similar scenario to yours, too) now several years later begs begs begs for my company. but I got over him eons ago, and have no interest in him now. just last week, again! he asked to see me. you, too, my dear, deserve better!

[OFI]

Thanks for your reply ghostgirl116 and for sharing your experiences with me. I definitely need to speak with him and see where his head's at. He doesn't seem the type of guy that would ghost someone, but then I guess they never do!

 

If he's not ghosting and is dealing with things this way I don't want to let this be the precedent for communication, I just had to make sure I wasn't overreacting to the length of time we've not spoken.

 

I also have an ex that I broke things off with years ago and he kept trying to get back in contact! Begging me to get back together with him even though I was in another relationship - he even started bad-mouthing my boyfriend at the time even though he didn't know him! Some guys can be pathetic once they lose something - they just didn't realise how good they had it!

[j.man]

Staying over 3/4 times a week and talking in between is an awful lot for a couple months in, assuming you two hadn't started to do so earlier even. Guy could be burned out from all of it so soon. He could legitimately be stressed from work and need space to wind himself down. Or he really could be checking himself out from dating you.

 

In any case, it's not something you wanna push. Do NOT call him or text him saying "if you're gonna break up with me, please do it." That's a real quick way to get dumped by someone who wasn't actually looking to dump you. No one wants to deal with someone else's insecurity while they're swamped with their own stress.

 

If you two aren't exclusive, I'd keep my dating options open just in case. But otherwise, keep yourself busy and I'd call or message him closer to the end of the work week and see if he wants to hang out this weekend. Just a simple invite, nothing dramatic.

[greta96]

When you say you saw him online, do you mean on an online dating site?

If that's the case, then you have the answer right there, what's to wait for? He's too stressed to talk to you, ask you about your day, but not too stressed to flirt with other women online? You can't possibly be this naïve!

 

Two months in, you should at least have had a talk about where this is going, and have some expectations of exclusivity, since you two have sex. The fact that this hasn't happened tells me that he doesn't want anything serious. The fact that he is online chatting up other women, and that you haven't seen him in 2 weeks, confirms this.

 

He is doing the fade and hopes you'd get the message. So get it. You can message him if you want and tell him that you are moving on, since he doesn't seem to be at the right place for a relationship, or you can just move on, I don't think he would notice.

 

He is not just reading messages online, even though that's what he would tell you, if confronted. He's searching for the next best thing, while keeping you on the hook just in case nobody else bites. Don't be that girl!

[OFI]

Thanks j.man, I would never have threatened to or asked if he wanted to break up, but I don't want him to think I've forgotten about him / don't care because I haven't spoke to him - I left the ball in his court so I didn't overwhelm him if he's having a stressful time.

 

I wanted to go slow at the beginning of our relationship, and I told him that! We did for a while but then things just seemed to escalate over the last month, mainly down to him though. It might be good to try slowing things down again.

 

I've been trying not to make a big deal out of it, so thanks very much for your advice

[Andrina]

I was wondering if you were the one who initiated all of the times you spent at his house during the week. I agree with j.man that it was way too much, too soon. You practically lived together, and even if you both equally took part on the invites, learn from your mistakes and rein it in a bit in a future relationship.

 

Instead of asking him if you're still a couple, why don't you think about your needs during a relationship. If I'm exclusive with a guy, I'd expect he'd want to speak to me at least once a day because he looks forward to it. And if he's having a hard week, I'd think he may want my emotional support, and want a caring person to listen to his problems. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where this isn't happening.

 

In his case, it sounds like he's letting the relationship slide away, because he's too cowardly to break up. If it were me, I'd let him go. If you were the one that suggested going to his house 4 days a week, and you decide you want to give him another chance, I wouldn't contact him. Let him make the effort, and if he does, you could accept a date when he calls, but don't spend the night at his house like you have been. See if making changes in the relationship will help things.

[OFI]

Hi greta96, no it wasn't a dating site, just whatsapp and facebook. We are exclusive and I have no notion or fear that he's cheating on me at all. He's going through a change at work and taking on a lot more responsibility which is where the stress is coming from.

 

I understand that he may be trying to 'fade me out' but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. It may be that he's realised we're spending too much time together too soon and wants to slow things down, or it genuinely may be how he copes with stress since I get the feeling he's always dealt with things on his own. He's a strong man and I hope that, if we get through this, one day he realises that he can lean on me and confide in me.

 

I don't think his absence proves that he's talking to other women, but I would like an explaination from him when he's ready.

[OFI]

Thank you for your advice Andrina, it was mainly him that asked me to stay over. I see now that I should have had more restraint.

 

If things go back to normal, I agree I need to talk about our communication. If he does cope by shutting people out, I will need to rethink things because I don't want to be in a relationship like that.

 

I am going to leave it up to him now, and I think you're right about spending the night. Thank you

[winniethepooh]

What's normal for him? For you? You've only been together for a couple of months ... At which point was it clear you were together, and what does being "together" mean for him, for you?

 

You were away for 2 weeks, during that time something changed for him.

 

If he's honest about work then that's what it is.

 

If he's gone off you, then he might be lying about work because he doesn't want to tell you the truth.

 

Or perhaps work is busy enough now for him to think he's not lying if he tells you he's busy with work.

 

Other possibilities ... he met someone else, he thinks you met someone else, he still likes you but thought all that time together was too much, and so on.

 

I'm all for giving someone space to collect their thoughts, but when they're collected, I expect them to share them with me in a meaningful way. In the past I would be patient and let them take their time. But now as soon as someone says they want space in a such a nebulous way (meaning I think or feel there's something off about it), I will tell them fine, it's up to them to contact me when they're ready to come back from outer space. In the meantime I'll assume they've gone for good and start focusing on dating other women.

 

My experience has been that if you don't do that clearly and decisively the first time someone tries to play ghost to see if you'll follow, you'll get sucked into a repeat cycle that will emotionally drain you more and more each time it happens. They day will come when they really do disappear and that will be very difficult for you.

 

And if it really is a case of him not wanting to be with you, well the sooner you move on and disconnect from him, the better it is for you.

 

If you have been clear to him about contacting you when he's ready, I wouldn't call him on Friday, I'd go and find something else to do, and make plans without him for the whole weekend, so that if he does call, he's interrupting your busy life, not your solitude with a box of ice-cream and a movie.

[greta96]

Oh, if it wasn't a dating site then disregard my post, it was written thinking you saw him online on the site you met or something.

Then all you can do is take a step back and let him sort out his issues, and he will come to you when he's ready. You already told him you'd be there for him should he need you, so he knows. It's not exactly a good sign that he hasn't talked to you in so long, but maybe he is truly dealing with a huge amount of stress, not to mention that the pace of the relationship in the beginning may have overwhelmed him.

Give yourself a certain amount of time you are willing to wait, and if you don't hear from him by then, try to have a discussion and see where his head is at.

[OFI]

Thanks for your advice greta96 I think you're right, wait to hear from him until a certain point and if nothing comes then talk to him and see what's going on!