Mom taking a turn for the worst...could be it.

[lukeb]

Mom is awake and mad as a hornet. She has pain from a procedure yesterday. She is refusing to take pain meds because she is convinced she won't be able to understand anything that happens if she is on medication. Now she and my dad are fighting via phone and she is calling everyone in her phone list for "a second opinion"

 

I would side with your mom on this one, not that you agree with her, but that she is allowed to make that decision without having to fight everyone on this. Just tell her that you just want her to be comfortable but that you respect her decision.

[Fudgie]

Her not being on pain meds is not going to kill her. If the pain gets too much for her, she has easy access to nurses and they can make her more comfortable. I can totally understand her desire to want to be conscious and awake. When I had most of my stomach removed, I opted for no pain meds other than Tylenol. I was in pain but that was my choice and I knew I could take them if it got to be too much. It's not like not being on them hurt me, it's a comfort thing.

 

I hope your father will stop fighting with her and let her make her own choice on this. lukeb is right. Tell her you want her to be comfortable but you respect her choice. Your dad just wants her to be comfortable too but he needs to learn to respect her boundaries and that fighting with her does not help her mental state or healing. He needs to leave her be.

[Moontiger]

Fight is over her threading to divorce him, her theory that the nurses are conspiring against her and are trying to punish her, and her thinking my dad stopping to get air in the car tire means he doesn't want to came/wants her in pain.

[Fudgie]

Fight is over her threading to divorce him, her theory that the nurses are conspiring against her and are trying to punish her, and her thinking my dad stopping to get air in the car tire means he doesn't want to came/wants her in pain.

 

Does she have a tendency to be histrionic and manipulative?

 

Amazing how hospitals bring out the worst in people.

[Moontiger]

Does she have a tendency to be histrionic and manipulative?

 

Amazing how hospitals bring out the worst in people.

 

Yes, this is typical of her.

[Fudgie]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're doing a good job at remaining objective and not getting "sucked in".

[Moontiger]

She's also threating to have a friend come and take her to another hospital.

[Fudgie]

She's also threating to have a friend come and take her to another hospital.

 

Yup, her insurance will just love that. I'm sure the providers will give her a hard time if she actually threatens to follow through with it. In the end, I don't think she will do it. Such a hassle.

 

Do they know a rough d/c date?

[lukeb]

She's also threating to have a friend come and take her to another hospital.

 

 

Your Dad should not have power of attorney over your Mom, it should be someone she trusts. I'm not so sure your Mom is insane but she is behaving this way because she is afraid, and she is afraid because she doesn't trust your Dad. That is not really your issue, that is really your Mom's issue.

[Moontiger]

Your Dad should not have power of attorney over your Mom, it should be someone she trusts. I'm not so sure your Mom is insane but she is behaving this way because she is afraid, and she is afraid because she doesn't trust your Dad. That is not really your issue, that is really your Mom's issue.

 

Your making a lot of assumptions about a complex situation that has been going on for years.

[lukeb]

Your making a lot of assumptions about a complex situation that has been going on for years.

 

It is a pretty safe assumption to say that your Mom doesn't trust your Dad. We can set aside whether or not your Mom is justified in this, we don't need to have a huge debate about that.. She should pick someone she trusts, this goes for everyone.

[Moontiger]

Your assumption is that my dad gas not offered to give up his power of attorny multiple time over the years.

[Fudgie]

I don't mean to assume either (hope I don't offend) but in my experience, with people like that, it's more about obtaining and maintaining control of the situation and those closest to you, less about trusting your loved ones. I think she would be wigging out regardless of who was POA or anything like that, father or otherwise.

[WithLove]

I don't really think that it's the time to debate about PoA or anything related. I think Moontiger just needs some encouraging words and good thoughts sent her way. I'm sure she's very aware of the legalities concerning her mother's care.

[Moontiger]

Fudgie, you are right. It is completely about control for her.

[Fudgie]

Sorry to hear that, MT. I've seen this scenario play out a few times. A lot of it is just drama and noise because being a patient in a hospital is hard for anyone, but it's ESPECIALLY hard for people like that, who want to feel 100% in control 100% of the time. She is going through the motions now. I would just continue to be there for her as objectively as you can, as you are now. Not humor her with the drama but let her know that you're there, and maybe distract her by talking about other things, if she's in the mood to.

[Seraphim]

She just feels really out of control about her situation so she's making a lot of noise. She's panicking so she's making a lot of threats but probably she won't do anything about it because she's too sick.

 

Hugs , hang in there.

[Moontiger]

She has friends visiting now and it's really helping. I don't think she want them to see her being difficult.

[Seraphim]

Just hang in there you will be OK. She's just squawking a lot because she scared. It is difficult I know ,my father is the same way.

[Moontiger]

People left, she got defiant with her doctors again but to a lesser extent. Fudgie, thank you for you posts. It's great to hear from the other side of dealing with patients like this.

[BigKK]

Fudgie is hitting the nail on the head...exactly what I thought. She wants control and is raising hell to try to feel like she has it.

 

Funny how she plays nice with friends around...any chance to invite some more?

[Moontiger]

Fudgie is hitting the nail on the head...exactly what I thought. She wants control and is raising hell to try to feel like she has it.

 

Funny how she plays nice with friends around...any chance to invite some more?

 

I told a couple of family friends that she will tell them not to visitor her but that they should anyway. She is much better with some social interaction.

[lukeb]

Fudgie is hitting the nail on the head...exactly what I thought. She wants control and is raising hell to try to feel like she has it.

 

Funny how she plays nice with friends around...any chance to invite some more?

 

It doesn't seem to me a lot is being done to allow her the control she wants. How is she defiant with the doctors? About the pain medication? If she wants to be clear and alert and doesn't want the medication, then stop fighting with her on this.

[Moontiger]

It doesn't seem to me a lot is being done to allow her the control she wants. How is she defiant with the doctors? About the pain medication? If she wants to be clear and alert and doesn't want the medication, then stop fighting with her on this.

 

Again, assumptions, that is one very small example. She has, consistently, been allowed to make decisions, at times against medical advice and with corresponding consequences, about her treatment.

[lukeb]

Again, assumptions, that is one very small example. She has, consistently, been allowed to make decisions, at times against medical advice and with corresponding consequences, about her treatment.

 

It may be one very small example but it is the only specific example in your whole thread that you gave where you are fighting with her on something she should have control over. It is actually the only area I didn't have to make an assumption. Instead of fighting, giver her the options to allow her to make her own decisions rather than trying to pressure her to do something you want, or your Dad wants. I just don't think you should be spending the last days of her life fighting with her. You may not realize it because you are so close to it, but this is actually something you have total control over, or your Dad has total control over. This is because it actually takes two people to have a fight.