I have ended our 9yr on and off relationship:(

[MissingKay]

My "boyfriend" and I met and started dating 9 years ago at university. The relationship debeloped very quickly, within 3 days he told me he loved me. as it was my first serious relationship I was very naïve and followed the speed no questions asked.

 

About a month into the relationship we were on the phone when he passed me onto his brother. His brother and I had a really good conversation which I felt was a good thing as I was still trying to make an impression. That evening he went cold on me, saying he didn't like how friendly I was with his brother. A few days later while still being cold he broke up with me. I was devastated and couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. He wouldn't talk to me and eventually he told me he had to breakup with me because his family would never accept me as I was overweight at the time. He said If lost weight we could maybe try again. Being naive I put myself on a diet to try and win him back.

 

To cut the 9yrs short: this kind of thing continued for the next 9 years. With many heartbreaking episodes for me, including being left at an airport because he was mad at his father, being used as a trophy to gain favour and money from his wealthy father (who likes me a lot) and then being dumped with no warning or reason. He also threw me out of his house in the middle of the night one night because I disagreed with him. He was always the one to break things off and I am always the one who tries to mend things.

 

More recently, we had been separated for 2 years (although we kept in touch every so often in that period) when we both got jobs in the same city. After this the contact between us became more frequent. We discussed getting back together but I explained I was not sure about it due to our history and his behaviour and I suspected he had cheated on me. He sent me a very long message confessing to all his wrong doing, including admitting he had been unfaithful. He explained he wanted me to make up my mind about giving him another chance when knowing the whole truth. the confessions were devastating and stopped talking to him.

 

After a month he was in touch again asking for another chance. He told me he had changed and was ready to get married and start a family (we're now 28/30). I agreed to meet him face to face so we could talk. This was the beginning of the end.

 

When I tried to set a date for us to meet he was always busy and never able to meet. This went on for about 2 months. One week I text him every single day asking the same question "if you have time later please come around my place so we can talk" after 5 days doing that and being turned down he eventually agreed on the basis we met at his house. I went and saw him (he looked very good) and we talked. I told him I didn't want to play games and that I was ready to settle down and start a family, he said he wanted all the same things. He had no explanation why he didn't see me all the times I asked. He promised to make more of an effort and that we would see each other that Sunday. Sunday came and I checked if he was free, he wasn't. I didn't want to fight so I simply told him I would be out of town from the following Sunday on vacation and for him to let me know when he would be free during the week. Again he didn't make an effort or let me know his availability. When I asked, he said he was at a class on Monday, I didn't hear from him on Tuesday, Wednesday he was entertaining clients and Thursday he had drinks work colleagues. By then I was furious and drove to his house, sat there from 22.30 until 23.30 when he came home. I asked him to let me go if he wasn't ready but again the same thing, he wanted to be with me, but gave no good reason as to why is so unavailable. I reminded him I was leaving town on Sunday and said "I will say goodbye to you now as I probably won't see you again until I get back (in 4 weeks)". He said he would come and see before I go.

 

Friday nothing, Saturday being the last day I could see him, I text and asked if he was free. He replied to say he was studying and if he was finished by 3pm he would come by, if not then no. 3, 4, 5pm came and I didn't hear from him, I called 3 times and the phone just rang. I decided enough was enough and blocked and deleted his number, turned off my phone and left town that evening. That's was yesterday.

 

I am beyond hurt!!! I am worried this sadness will shadow my vacation which I had been looking forward to

I also very confused as to why he never wants to see me or never has time even for a phone call (all our conversations are via text). We were discussing buying a house together and having children so very confused about his behaviour. I intend never to talk to him again as this has been going on for 9years and we have gotten nowhere in that time. I fear he will continue to waste my time for as long as I allow him.

[Bunney]

Nine years and he is not a changed man at all. It's a pity you have wasted that much time on him, but at least you realized now that it needs to stop. His words are meaningless. Dont EVER buy into a man's words unless they are followed up with actions.

 

What has this guy offered you - nothing. How has he enhanced your life - not at all! I hope you stick to your guns now and DONT contact him again.

 

You've been making yourself way too available in recent times. Texting him all the time, calling all the time - you basically made yourself into a doormat, showing him that it's OK to treat you like this because you will still be waiting there, texting him, anticipating his response.

 

But that doesn't matter anyway, because even if you showed self-respect by not going all clingy on him, he'd still be the same douche that he always has been. Please take some time to focus solely on yourself again, so that sometime in the future, you'll meet that guy that doesn't ever make you wait, doesn't ever make you doubt yourself/the relationship. Your boundaries have been way off, it's time to get back to healthy ones so that one day, you'll have a healthy relationship - with someone ELSE.

[ParisPaulette]

Insanity: the definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your guy or ex or whatever has a screw loose in his head, and it isn't and hasn't been fixed. And neither you or anyone else, but him will ever have the capability of changing it. I spent six years with one of those before I had had enough. Going nine years, you should probably get some sort of compensation for that, but you won't. Life isn't kind to doormats, period, end of discussion. And I say that having been a former one.

 

You need to block and delete him, go get therapy to understand why and what an emotionally abusive relationship consists of, dump everyone and everything else toxic in your life because yes they're there, and move forward. Nine years is just a waste or maybe not if you can use him as the yardstick for what you don't want in a relationship. Ever.

 

This man is emotionally abusive to you. It's not about love, it's about control. Read this book, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft and do other reading on emotionally abusive people who use it to control those around them.

 

And realize he will be back in touch when he realizes he has lost control. And that point you'd be really smart to say once and only once, "I want those nine years of my wasted life back, but since I'm not going to get them you don't get the next nine years or the next after that. We are not friends or anything, now go away." And then you hang up on him, delete and block him everywhere, refuse to ever read anything he sends you, hear any voice mails, and you keep adding any communications that do come in no matter how far apart to the list of those numbers etc. that get blocked or deleted without you checking them.

 

And you move on with your life. You stay single until you are strong and have clear boundaries and can easily recognize red flags and the moment you see them you say to yourself, "Well, I like this guy and that's too bad, but I'm not going back to that earlier horrible time." And you end things with him and move on until you have a good life and can share it with someone sane.

 

This guy isn't sane, dear. And neither are you as long as you choose to engage in any way with him. Disengage, detox, move forward. You deserve that, but it's up to you to give yourself that gift. No one else can.

[ParisPaulette]

And stop being his "friend" when you aren't together. That's how he keeps reeling you back in and enjoying you chasing him and letting him kick you down. It's what my ex did and it only stopped and I got sane after I quit being his friend. Real friends don't treat you like that, enemies do.

[MissingKay]

Thank you for taking time out to respond and share your wisdom and experience with me. It's super hard right now, I'm still smiling/laughing through a lot of pain... But I know if I don't let go now, although it hurts....it will hurt a lot more in the future if I look back.

[kbbcoop77]

Imagine if the last nine years you were with a truly loving partner instead of this asshat. He played you long enough. We get one shot at life and you learned a horrible but valuable lesson. Don't settle for this nonsense. It's better being alone than with this cad.

[MissingKay]

Just been sent a pic of his profile picture on Facebook and he has updated it with a photo of him and a girl and had updated his profile to say he is in a relationship..... It burns

[kbbcoop77]

who sent that pic to you? Kindly tell them you want no news of your ex. Any contact like that does hurt. When I learned the truth about my ex wife and her cheating it was a knife in the heart. I had to sever all avenues of information and just move forward.

[MissingKay]

How long did it take you to move forward and truelly forget about her? I have been trying to move forward for the last 7years but always end up fooling myself that he has changed and is a new man and taking him back. I want to let go now for good. The date he uploaded the picture and status is during the time we were planning buying a house together and having kids. I knew something wasn't right which is why a few days later I cut all contact with him. It hurts so bad right now, but at least I know my instincts were right and that I have nothing to envy about his new relationship as he has been cheating on us both.