I SHOULD end things now. But how?

[BlkLagoon]

I met my boyfriend (who lives in another state) when I was 23. He is about twice my age. For 4 years things went from exciting and fun to miserable and boring. I blew up at him one day and he disappeared, stopped contacting me- for months. We didn't talk for 9 months, then last year we got back "together". It started out a lot better- he finally started to talk about us living together, about his feelings for me, about how much he wanted things to work this time. It did for a while. But this month, I had to stop and think and sort of stopped communicating for a couple weeks. Not entirely, but I was feeling differently and he knew it. So, I finally asked him when he wanted to take the next step... I told him how tired I felt with waiting.. I told him I just needed a plan of action and I'd feel better- it didn't have to be immediate, but I did need to know. He said he would be moving closer to me this year (for his work) and maybe that would help with us. Then he stopped talking. I asked why and he sent an angry email on Saturday telling me that I expected him to answer me right away after not talking for a couple weeks very much. That's the last I've heard from him. He has shut off before without bothering to say why or for how long he plans to be absent. Anyway... I feel like it's not my fault and that he is very scared about taking the next step- even just talking about it seriously. He didn't want to even conceptualize it yet, and was surprised I even asked. So... I -know- that this isn't going to work. He's stubborn, stuck in his ways, and cannot move forward with me after all these years. Being 28 now, I'm not feeling very patient anymore. When I'm in my 40's and 50's, the guy will be in Depends. There's always been a lot of problems, he's very controlling, very unsupportive, very self-absorbed, very guarded of his emotions.

I need to get out- but I am scared and I love this man very much. I'm sort of addicted to the relationship. But it's incredibly unhealthy. I've had anxiety attacks, I've felt suicidal, he makes me feel like nothing. I need to find the strength to leave when I emotionally don't want to. My mind is so conflicted with my heart. Can someone help boost me in the right direction? I know there's no hope to save the relationship and that I've wasted so much time.

[GaveTooMuch]

I so feel for you. I think I am in the oppsite of this dilema. I am 5 years older than my girlfriend. When we met I was 25 and she was 20. She always seemed more mature for her age. I was always there for her through everything even through her illness. Just when everything has begunto get good with her health and our elationship going great. She drops the bomb on me about how she too young and doesn't want to be in a serious and committed relationship. She doesn't know what she wants anymore and wants to be free and independent. Then tonight after we have had no contact for a week I called her. I found out that she has been on a date with another guy. I am shocked and crushed, even though she said it just further proved her feelings about not wanting to be with anyone. If she broke up with me because of this already why did she need to prove it to herself even more? I too feel like I have wasted so much time as I am turning 28 next week and feel like I running out of time. She on the other hand is only now 23 and has many years left ahead of her to find what she needs. It totally sucks because I know what I want and what I need and I thought that was her. I know that I need to let her go. I too am begging and trying to find the strength to move on and find happiness else where. I know that this isn't really words of encouragement but maybe we can help each other through all this.

[DN]

"He's stubborn, stuck in his ways, and cannot move forward with me after all these years. Being 28 now, I'm not feeling very patient anymore. When I'm in my 40's and 50's, the guy will be in Depends. There's always been a lot of problems, he's very controlling, very unsupportive, very self-absorbed, very guarded of his emotions.

I need to get out- but I am scared and I love this man very much. I'm sort of addicted to the relationship. But it's incredibly unhealthy. I've had anxiety attacks, I've felt suicidal, he makes me feel like nothing."

 

Every time you want to be with him read what you wrote here. Learn it by heart and repeat it every time you think of him. What could anybody on this site say to motivate you to get out of the relationship more than your own words?

[Celadon]

I'm sort of addicted to the relationship. But it's incredibly unhealthy. I've had anxiety attacks, I've felt suicidal, he makes me feel like nothing. I need to find the strength to leave when I emotionally don't want to.

 

BlkLagoon -- oh, I've been there. Fortunately, today, I'm outta those relationships (yup, more than one like that) and feeling good about myself. It CAN be done! I encourage you to do what you know needs to be done.

 

To tell you the truth, you're going to feel this HUGE relief when you break up. I sure did! Like, you know it's the right thing to do, right? When it finally happens, it's like being able to breath again -- trust me.

 

The one thing you need to know is that you are NOT responsible for whether this guy is happy or sad or whatever. If he's pulling the Silent Treatment on you, it sounds like he's passive aggressive. That type of behavior is geared toward making the other person feel guilty.

 

But you know that an unhealthy relationship is not right for EITHER one of you, okay? You may like the security of being with your bf, but having anxiety attaks and him making you feel like nothing are not worth the security. Why? Because with the right person, you can feel secure AND worthwhile AND be calm and happy. Really, it's true!

 

You may feel you can't live without him, or that he can't live without you, but you are BOTH adults and you ARE capable of leading happy lives, even without each other.

 

Tell him you love him, but this is goodbye. Then walk away and don't look back. Close this chapter and look forward to a new one. It can be done, and your emotions will heal and you will be just fine, BlkLagoon. Take care.

[sonjam]

I soooo agree with DN. Use that bit as a mantra to remind yourself how you are worth more, and you deserve more, from a mate, and from a relationship.

[Celadon]

I too feel like I have wasted so much time as I am turning 28 next week and feel like I running out of time. She on the other hand is only now 23 and has many years left ahead of her to find what she needs. It totally sucks because I know what I want and what I need and I thought that was her. I know that I need to let her go. I too am begging and trying to find the strength to move on and find happiness else where.

 

GaveTooMuch, hang in there. I'm sorry for your pain right now. I know it really stinks because I've been through some nasty breakups myself.

 

I've even been in your situation, feeling like I'd wasted time and that my (younger) ex was free to go on with his life with more opportunities than I was facing.

 

You will need time to work through all this stuff, but at some point, you'll be able to put it to rest. For now, distract yourself. Do sports or something positive and healthy that will keep your mind busy. Take a class in something totally new or something you've always wanted to try.

 

Give yourself time to grieve this relationship -- even a certain amount of time each day, if you need it. But then determine to move forward. The more you can leave the past behind (with both negative and positive feelings), the better off you'll be. Take it easy. One day at a time.

[Palmbaby]

He's made you unhappy and suicidal, he's controlling,there are some very powerful emotions going on here and I'd suspect this is part of the problem you have in walking away. All that sort of stuff is addictive and chaotic and 'normal' relationships seem pallid by comparison. I suspect this because I've been in a similar position, I'm now in therapy and have read every self help book on the planet!

Doing what you know you should do is going to be difficult but you must. He's not likely to change if he's in his 40's, he may have some serious baggage. I'm in my 40's, so is my sort of ex, we're both stubborn as mules and frightened of commitment, sound familiar?

You're too young to hang around hoping against hope that he will change and he's not making you happy. Good luck.

[BlkLagoon]

Thank you to everyone for your words- this does help even though it's very early in the process of taking care of the situation. I still am not letting go enough at this point, and know it will take a while. What is making it especially difficult to do so now is the fact that he was the one to initiate silence, he won't talk to me, he left things totally open-ended- not knowing when or if he will say anything makes me feel desperate and I start to question myself. It's a whole cycle. His ignoring me makes me need answers. Irrational as it may be.

[DN]

The good thing is that you know it is irrational.

 

The bad thing is that ... well, you already know that bit.

 

So, start to think with the rational not the emotional part of your brain - the part that says it is your best interests to get out of the relationship now, not just the physical connection but the connection to him in your heart and mind.

 

It doesn't really matter who did what, or didn't do what, or if you get your questions answered, that's all irrelevant to your main need.

 

The important thing is to get out now, forget him, forget lingering doubts and questions and get on with your life unencumbered by him and anything about him.