Almost divorced... Budding rel w/ coworker

[DrFoowangle]

All situations are complicated. Here are the cliff notes:

I'm male, mid 30's, married/monogamous since '99. Separated 6 months. Amicable divorce pending.

Long time coming.

 

Met a new coworker (same company, but different city) about 1.5 yrs ago. Instant attraction. Work relationship has been mature and professional. We have been to lunch on 3 occasions, but wouldn't really classify them as dates. Working lunches 2x, and last week with a last-minute 3rd wheel.

 

Since the separation, we linked up on social media and began texting last week. Nothing physical, but some flirting and definite chemistry. She has a boyfriend and I haven't told her my personal details- as far as she knows I am still with the wife. Neither of us talks about our significant other. Almost like it is on purpose.

 

I don't really feel guilty as if I were cheating, because I'm not. This current situation had nothing to do with my failed marriage.

 

I guess I just don't know how to feel. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I feel like I have been obsessing about the coworker ever since I have been flying solo. I'm not really looking for love, but don't want to pass up an opportunity with someone that seems to be a wonderful match for me (despite the other circumstances).

 

Prior to our lunch last week, I was considering spilling the beans to her about my situation just to see how it played. I figured it would give me some insight to see how she reacted and if it changed things.

 

So I guess some counsel is needed.

 

Tell her I'm getting a divorce?

Give hints about it and see if she inquires out of confusion?

 

Or just keep with the current program? I definitely don't want to cause any harm or disrespect to my ex, so if I were to get into a relationship it would have to be discrete for a while. Definitely don't want to make anything public until the divorce is legal (a few months or so).

 

It's been a slow burn. I'm ok with that, but I can't stop thinking about her.

 

Thanks for any advice.

[starbar]

dude she has a boyfriend. do you really want to tangle yourself in some unhealthy love triangle and risk just being a fling or a rebound??

 

I think you should be proud that you did all the right things ending your marriage in a healthy, amicable way and sticking by your morals. Don't screw it up now just coz your lonely, bored, infatuated etc

 

you should aim to build a healthy union on a solid foundation with somebody who is available and ready for love. Not someone who is just bored and looking for temporary excitement.

[DrFoowangle]

dude she has a boyfriend. do you really want to tangle yourself in some unhealthy love triangle and risk just being a fling or a rebound??

 

I think you should be proud that you did all the right things ending your marriage in a healthy, amicable way and sticking by your morals. Don't screw it up now just coz your lonely, bored, infatuated etc

 

you should aim to build a healthy union on a solid foundation with somebody who is available and ready for love. Not someone who is just bored and looking for temporary excitement.

 

Valid points, and I understand your sentiment.

 

I could use a fling or rebound myself, so it's hardly a lose-lose situation.

 

I certainly don't want to be a home-wrecker. Mine's already wrecked, but hers. Like I said, she never mentions the boyfriend. I don't know how serious it is.

(I don't think this is one of those friend zone scenarios either, so I'm not gonna ask.)

 

Like I said, it's been a slow burn. So slow that I may just be imagining the reciprocal attraction. Subject of my internal debate lately. There are things that just keep bringing us together and clues that it is more than accidental or innocent.

 

So what would your recommendation be?

Tell her or don't tell her? Those are the only two options I'm giving you.

[RainyCoast]

I'm not really looking for love, but don't want to pass up an opportunity with someone that seems to be a wonderful match for me (despite the other circumstances).

if she is not single then she is not a wonderful match.

abort mission until both are single.

[RainyCoast]

I could use a fling or rebound myself, so it's hardly a lose-lose situation.

might you not use some single time to reflect instead?

[DrFoowangle]

if she is not single then she is not a wonderful match.

abort mission until both are single.

 

And what does that entail? Can't just stop talking to her w/out reason.

 

Seems like you recommend having a talk about our individual statuses?

[DrFoowangle]

might you not use some single time to reflect instead?

 

Been reflecting (living solo) since December. What's the protocol? Rhetorical...

[RainyCoast]

the reason to stop it with her is because you should not be meddling in her relationship and because it is generally not wise to use ppl to avoid facing the aftermath of a failed relationship.

 

no, i'm recommending you have a talk with yourself.

 

that just does not happen to be what you are suggesting to yourself.

[DrFoowangle]

...that just does not happen to be what you are suggesting to yourself.

 

Interesting perspective. Thanks for the honest feedback.

[blanco]

This is hitting a bit close to home.

 

My recent ex is dating a recently-divorced higher up at her work. They started seeing each other two months after we broke up, though it sounds like they had been having run-ins and awkward conversations for several weeks beforehand. She's not the type that would've acted on anything like this while she was still with someone, but I would've been pretty crushed to hear about her engaging in conversations where it sounded like there was a decent amount of sexual tension.

 

Ultimately, nothing can happen without this girl taking an active role, but man, I feel bad for the guy who might lose a relationship so his girlfriend can be some guy's rebound.

[DrFoowangle]

...

Ultimately, nothing can happen without this girl taking an active role, but man, I feel bad for the guy who might lose a relationship so his girlfriend can be some guy's rebound.

 

I'm not sure i see the relevance of the whole rebound concept. Would your opinion be different if I told you I had been dating someone else in the meantime?

[crowleysgirl]

She has a boyfriend. She is not single. That's really all you need to know. It doesn't matter if she never talks about him around you, because its none of your business whatsoever. No one is saying to just stop talking to her, but do not pursue anything with her until she is already single. It may seem all harmless and fun now, but it won't be when someone's feelings get hurt. Especially if you still have to see each other after. You just sound lonely, honestly. You need to work on being able to be satisfied and happy on your own before anything else.

[Rosti87]

I'm not sure i see the relevance of the whole rebound concept. Would your opinion be different if I told you I had been dating someone else in the meantime?

Very seldom does a relationship stick when it started as an overlap to a past one or immediately after. One usually just make the same mistake they did in the previous relationship.

 

There needs to be a break so one can learn how they participated in the demise of the previous relationship. It's unfair to the person you are trying to get with because they (the rebound) gets the brunt of that mistake.

[HeartGoesOn]

I definitely don't want to cause any harm or disrespect to my ex, so if I were to get into a relationship it would have to be discrete for a while. Definitely don't want to make anything public until the divorce is legal (a few months or so).

 

Yet, by the same token it appears that you're willing to potentially cause "harm, or disrespect" on her end, towards her current boyfriend. I'm sorry, but you're making this all about YOU.

 

Hopefully this girl will have enough respect for her relationship, to avoid taking an innocent person down.

[DrFoowangle]

Yet, by the same token it appears that you're willing to potentially cause "harm, or disrespect" on her end, towards her current boyfriend. I'm sorry, but you're making this all about YOU.

 

Hopefully this girl will have enough respect for her relationship, to avoid taking an innocent person down.

 

Of course it's about me. I'm the one asking the questions.

[DrFoowangle]

She has a boyfriend. She is not single. That's really all you need to know. It doesn't matter if she never talks about him around you, because its none of your business whatsoever. No one is saying to just stop talking to her, but do not pursue anything with her until she is already single. It may seem all harmless and fun now, but it won't be when someone's feelings get hurt. Especially if you still have to see each other after. You just sound lonely, honestly. You need to work on being able to be satisfied and happy on your own before anything else.

 

Very seldom does a relationship stick when it started as an overlap to a past one or immediately after. One usually just make the same mistake they did in the previous relationship.

 

There needs to be a break so one can learn how they participated in the demise of the previous relationship. It's unfair to the person you are trying to get with because they (the rebound) gets the brunt of that mistake.

 

I've been on my own for >1/2 a year. Let's not discount my ample self-reflection. Initially, being out of the married home was satisfying enough. Now it isn't.

[catfeeder]

She's in a relationship, so play this out in your head. You drop hints to position this woman to demo that she can be disloyal to her BF. Then what? Even if you win, you lose, because once you position her that way, you'll enjoy her for 30 seconds before wondering how long before she would be disloyal to YOU.

 

I'd skip that. Messing around with anyone while you're still married is a dead-ender. Anyone who would go there with you would have piss-poor judgement.

 

Give yourself time to allow the ink to dry on your final divorce papers, and consider what you'll actually want out of a relationship someday. Flirting or flinging with a coworker is a really-really bad idea on many levels. Do you care about your rep on this job?

 

Head high.

[Capricorn3]

Yet, by the same token it appears that you're willing to potentially cause "harm, or disrespect" on her end, towards her current boyfriend. I'm sorry, but you're making this all about YOU.

 

Hopefully this girl will have enough respect for her relationship, to avoid taking an innocent person down.

 

I second this post. You mention a couple of times about not wanting to cause harm or disrespect to her relationship, yet in the same breath that's exactly what you are doing - you contradict yourself. Not only is this about respecting other people's relationships, but how about showing a little self respect and quit messing with someone who is taken. Hopefully, SHE has enough self respect to run in the opposite direction.

[blanco]

I'm not sure i see the relevance of the whole rebound concept. Would your opinion be different if I told you I had been dating someone else in the meantime?

 

Maybe. I've never been married, so I've never been divorced. But it sounds like a lot of the time, that first post-divorce relationship doesn't have a LONG shelf life for a variety of reasons. I know people have different ways of healing and time frames for doing so, but I know that I would find it really difficult to have my head on straight for a new relationship while I was still finishing up a divorce. I know that for you, maybe it's just formalities at this point, but I would think it would be hard not to still be emotionally invested to a degree in that relationship.

 

But you know what? Maybe I'm projecting. I'm still a little jaded that my ex moved on so quickly to a new relationship with a co-worker 10+ years older than her, who was divorcing, but still legally married.

[blanco]

She's in a relationship, so play this out in your head. You drop hints to position this woman to demo that she can be disloyal to her BF. Then what? Even if you win, you lose, because once you position her that way, you'll enjoy her for 30 seconds before wondering how long before she would be disloyal to YOU.

 

I'd skip that. Messing around with anyone while you're still married is a dead-ender. Anyone who would go there with you would have piss-poor judgement.

 

Give yourself time to allow the ink to dry on your final divorce papers, and consider what you'll actually want out of a relationship someday. Flirting or flinging with a coworker is a really-really bad idea on many levels. Do you care about your rep on this job?

 

Head high.

 

I know I talk about my situation a lot, but this is something that has just amazed me to know end. The guy my ex is with is a prestigious person at this large company. Very high earning, head of the department, well-known, etc. They don't work in the same department, so there's no conflict of interest there. BUT, I would assume most people there know he was in the process of divorce. Many people at this company know my ex's situation (father of her children died some years back, but I was helping to raise them for a couple years until earlier this year). Those things alone would make it interesting office fodder to know that they were dating. But then you add in the fact that he's also older and makes way, way, way more money than she ever will; like more in a year than she'll make with the company in five or six years. People in a workplace eat that stuff up because even if this isn't the case, it just can't look like anything other than a younger woman going after a guy who makes crazy money, and a guy going after a woman because she's younger, beautiful, etc.

 

Who knows? Maybe they're perfect for each other right now and this is the start of something amazing and beautiful. But I just can't imagine how scandalous this all looks to their co-workers, and it just has the makings of something smoldering that would need to defy the odds to be much more than a post-divorce fling.

[DrFoowangle]

I second this post. You mention a couple of times about not wanting to cause harm or disrespect to her relationship, yet in the same breath that's exactly what you are doing - you contradict yourself. Not only is this about respecting other people's relationships, but how about showing a little self respect and quit messing with someone who is taken. Hopefully, SHE has enough self respect to run in the opposite direction.

 

I may not have been clear. I used those words in context of MY ex. Wasn't speaking of the coworker's relationship, which to this point hasn't been a topic of conversation or concern. My coworker is a grown up and can/will make her own decisions. I'm not a manipulator here, aside from the fact I am struggling over revealing that my marriage has ended (which could be the catalyst in changing this from an innocent, flirty work relationship to something else). Hence the thread and seeking counsel.

 

I haven't spoken with her since Saturday night by choice. I'm considering all the things mentioned here, despite my obstinacy. I may see her tomorrow (due to proximity, not planning), but haven't reached out to her (despite wanting to).

 

The more I think about this scenario, the more I feel that I should "come clean" to the coworker about my failed marriage. Just not sure how to do that and what the fallout will be. She would then have the opportunity to decide how her part of our relationship will evolve. If she is happy where she is, then we will become distant (or she will "run", as you put it). If not, then she knows I am available and interested. If she decides to make a change, then it is her prerogative.

 

In this case, it feels to me that being honest with a person is showing more respect than withholding. If she isn't interested, then I need closure and this is one way to get there. Seems better than pining in silence...

[DrFoowangle]

...

Who knows? Maybe they're perfect for each other right now and this is the start of something amazing and beautiful. But I just can't imagine how scandalous this all looks to their co-workers, and it just has the makings of something smoldering that would need to defy the odds to be much more than a post-divorce fling.

 

Your situation definitely sucks and I can see how you can make some correlations.

 

Of course, I can't predict the future- would this only be a fling? Who knows. It's just tough to ignore something that feels right, even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

[Rosti87]

I think coming clean with your relationship status is a good idea. Let the chips fall where they may after that.

[j.man]

Guy... be a professional. Personally, I like that I can assume my coworkers who know I have a girlfriend aren't trying to use our professional relationship as a vessel to pick me up. It doesn't speak to anything good about a person if they're willing to show blatant disregard for both relationship and professional boundaries.

 

There are tons of other fish in the sea who you can pursue with a lot more dignity.

[Capricorn3]

In this case, it feels to me that being honest with a person is showing more respect than withholding.

There ya go.