Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Well I tried to end my relationship with my boyfriend after I realised that well I dont think its working anymore - he has cheated too many times and anyway I have discussed this before on here.. He said that he thought we were on a break and I would give both of us time to figure out what we want and within a week I have just ended it. I feel really guilty now..He said that he has problems and he needs time to sort things out in his head. I said that he thought he loved this woman but he doesnt - (i later found out she turned him down).. I just didnt think I could be on a break living in limbo..I said that I still love him but I dont see how I can trust him again.. Anyway he didnt say much and he said he had to go. I called my mum and she just went on and on.. I tried to call J back and say that I want to be there for him as I know he is having deep personal problems. He was really harsh with me - I said well if u dont want me to be there for you - just say. He said fine fair enough YOU CAN BE THERE FOR ME. I said I dont want this attitude so dont bother and he said FINE and we hung up abruptly...(Maybe he is just hurt - I dont knwo anymore) It reminded me of all the times he would snap because he cant deal wtih confrontation - whether its money our relationships or life in general. I cant keep hanging on dealing with these problems..He is just soo abrupt to me.. I know my friends and family dont want me to be with him.. I dont know what to do anymore...I just dont know!!!!! Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 seems to me he's an expert at laying guilt trips on you. He's cheated, lied, manipulated your feelings .... what exactly does this guy have going for him? Link to comment
princess_fiona Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 nothing. sorry, just kidding.. I think he's just very insecure and doesn't know what he wants or who he is - I think it's a phase boys go through to become a true man who's responsible and trustworthy. i think it's best you go NC and heal yourself. honestly, it will help not just you but both of you. Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 I just think I have just wasted my time - I wanted us to be friends out of all this and all this has done is make me feel bad. He said that I have not given him a chance too think abotu what he wants. But surellly (as my mum said) he must of figured out about what he wanted when he was chasing after this woman...I am soo angry, hurt , upset and confused!!!! Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 nothing. sorry, just kidding.. I think he's just very insecure and doesn't know what he wants or who he is - I think it's a phase boys go through to become a true man who's responsible and trustworthy. i think it's best you go NC and heal yourself. honestly, it will help not just you but both of you. He is 30 years old!?!?!? boy??? Link to comment
princess_fiona Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 oops, sorry what i meant was, men who are still emotionally immature = boys. unfortunately, age doesn't reflect maturity for some men - oh and no offence intended here, just my own view from all the guys I've known. Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Yeah, you said he cheated on you. Honestly, he's the one who should feel guilty about what's happening not you. He's turned it around on you. From what I understand, you were tired of being hurt and couldn't trust him so you broke up with him (nothing wrong with that). Then you offered to be there for him (probably more than he deserves), and he snapped at you for it. I think the real reason he's so mad is because he's lost control of you. Trust me on this. I have experience in it. 10 years ago I was just like your boyfriend. I was so insecure with myself I did everything in my power to control my then girlfriend. This included guilt trips, excuses, lying, etc, etc, never cheated though. When my ex back then broke up with me I acted the same way your ex is acting. Take this advice, do what my ex did with me. Don't contact him again if you can. By doing that to me, my ex made me realize what a unsecure, selfish guy I was and it helped me to change into nice person I am today. It won't happen overnight. Heck it might not ever happen, but in the end you'll have back control over your life and that's the most important part. Stay strong and good luck. Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Noo.. I iddnt mean it as that you were being offensive I just meant it as he is 30 and acts like he is 13... Is it just best I cut him free then.. This situation is hurting me soo bad..I still love him... Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Thanks for that reply.. I just dont understand much right now.. I am going through so much in my life...I needed this one situation to be easier... Link to comment
princess_fiona Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 It's a hard step I had to take as well. But if you really love him, you have to set him free so he can grow from this experience. He has to learn and reflect from this on his own. Just like when we're teenagers, we hated it when our parents tried to interfere in our lives and the decisions we were making, but in the end, we have to make our own mistakes and learn from them, don't we? Same goes for your 13-yr-old man... he needs to learn it the hard way if he's caused so much hurt to a person who has so much love and care for him. Hope that helps. Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Yes yes yes - you are sooo right.. I think its good he is getting counselling ITS REALLY NEEDED. Maybe when he calms down he will understand all I want to be is be there for him...as a friend at least!! Link to comment
Wagga Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Sophia_Jane!! I think given your situation what you did was 100% right. He needs to deal with his problems alone and it's only natural that you feel inclined to help him and be there for him. But be careful not to get attached to this idea to the point where you have trouble dealing with your issues. You should always come first in this situation and you need to heal. But don't feel guilty if you feel that strict NC is the only way things will get better for you. Link to comment
arwen Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 He was trying to make you feel guilty here. His deep personal problems are no excuse for his behavior. I know it hurts, but you will thank yourself later. You deserve to be treated better in life. Why do you say `at least a friend for him'? Do you even consider going back to this guy? In fact, I didn't realize you were talking about a 30 year old man, until you mentioned it explicitly. He is acting like he is not even beyond his teens, don't let it bother you and focus on your own life. Ilse. Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 It would really help in male/female relationships if we could stop with the gender put-downs. It is true that there are immature men/boys. It is equally true that there as as many immature women/girls. If you could stop seeing your relationships through the prism of gender stereotypes it would mean that you could analyse any problems that you have as individuals - not as men do this, or women do that. The reason "ism's" are wrong is that it treats people as groups, not as individual people, with a mindset of his or her own. Even if any gender perceptions have some basis in reality, it is very rare that an individual will fit neatly into that stereotype. So you are not dealing with them as they really are but as you think they ought to be from your perception of their gender tendencies. It is iintellectually lazy to jump to conclusions about people because of their race, gender or whatever. It also leads you to false analysis of your own behaviour - you can say "I must be right because she is a typically over-emotional woman or he is a typically immature man". Then you use that as a reason not to find out what is really going on but to blame the other person because of the gender stereotype. That's why we find people saying "In my experience all the men/women I've known do this or that" They probably don't, at least not all of them, it's just easier for you to blame their gender instead of trying to fix the problem. Link to comment
Sophia_Jane Posted February 1, 2005 Author Share Posted February 1, 2005 The thing is I also have cheated. Once with someone in the flesh, another time with someone I knew online and we started having phone sex, a coupel of people at work- nothign sexual just major flirting...and then another guy recently before I had made teh decision of whetehr we would split up or not.. J doesnt know about ALL this.. And I suppose that is why I feel guilty to just end it before we had been completely honest and had counselling to sort things out...I dotn want it to seem liek I am makign excuses either. Maybe we just fell out of love completely or just wasnt happy...We have many problems.. I just am not sure whether to give up on this... I also dont want to listen too other family members opinions without making one of my own.. Was it a waste of time I dont know... I have a tendency to hold on too things... But I would never move back in with him - unless we ever got married... Oh god my head just feels heavy and soo confused... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 Sophia, Sounds like there was some major dysfunction going on in this relationship on both sides. Couples who love and respect each other don't cheat on each other. You broke if off with him for cheating too many times but you are guilty of the same crime, no? I'm NOT saying you should forgive him and try and get back together, I am simply saying that if both of you were behaving this way than obviously there was mutual disrespect and disregard and you are both probably better off without each other, since this relationship sounds way too damaged to save now and with the actions you've both shown, I don't think it'd be worth it anyway. Your best bet now is to forget this guy and try to learn to respect yourself so that next time you won't cheat on your partner, he won't cheat on you, and you can develop a healthy relationship based on care and respect for one another. Good luck. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now