6 Months Later and He finally reached out

[frida]

I've posted here quite a few times..mostly under the healing section during the first 3-4 months of the break up.

 

Just a recap on my relationship...he ended it with me after a year, blamed it on me, then we were stuck in a class together in college. He would avoid me anytime I was around. I went to him twice after the break up after one and then two months. Once to understand why and a second time to apologize for my mistakes and ask for a second try...or at least be friends. I never got an answer. So I deactivated my facebook, deleted his number and worked on myself to move on.

 

I'm back home now, just reached the 6 month mark a couple days ago. I don't think about him as much, because he hurt me so badly. I do have moments where I still cry in disbelief because never in a million years would I have expected it to end like this. We never fought, I didn't see it coming. He was my best friend and boy friend so I felt like a giant part of me was missing. But, I've grown. I'm past the stages of hoping and wishing and wanting. I don't read stories of couples getting back together. I don't pray to God for a second chance.

 

And now this morning at 6 am I get message from him. He asked how I was and if we could get back to being friends eventually.

 

When I read the message I went numb. I wasn't sad, happy, or mad. I just don't know how to feel or what to want or what to say. Its 11 am now and am still at a loss. He was my first boy friend, the boy I ever loved and the first to ever break my heart. I loved him so much, probably always will. But I just don't know what to do.

 

Everyone tells me to either not respond or just tell him that I'm in a good place and can't be friends. I'm just not sure if I want to close all my doors. A part of me thought that he found someone new, but I'm not sure and don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

Please help me.

I feel lost.

 

Theres more to our story but it would take too long to get into. I've posted them before if you want to read.

 

I really need help and advice on what to do and what to think or just someones perspective. When we were together he wasn't a cold hearted jerk so sometimes its hard for me to think of him that way, even though everyone else does!

[mhowe]

He wants to be friends, not reconcile. This would be a well of hurt for you.

[Ms Darcy]

I would tell him that the friendship ship has sailed and wish him the best in life.

[Hollyj]

He's simply trying to feel better about himself, as he knows he ended it badly. This is not about you, but all about him and his ego.

 

You should have blocked this guy, long ago. You also need to ask yourself, why you would want a guy who dumped you out of the blue, with no explanation. He was quite hurtful and disrespectful. I hope you will soon see that you deserve more.

 

FYI: you do get over your first love. I no longer love mine. Let go.

[ParisPaulette]

My take on all this is you are still too raw to be friends and that is all he offered you. And unless you pin him down to exactly what he means by "friends" this could be anything from an "Oh good, you don't hate me. Whew" and he never talks to you again to that late night booty call when he is feeling down or got rejected elsewhere. People who want to reconcile generally don't waste time on a "let's be friends" BS message. They say, "I made a huge mistake, can we talk?" Or better yet, they pick up the phone and make some effort instead of a 2-second text.

 

If it were me and I wanted to keep that door open a crack, but not get used and my heart ripped out all over again then this is what I would do. I would send back a response that simply says, "I am healing and moving on. Unless you are interested in a serious reconciliation I'm not interested in anything else. Thanks." Then the ball is back in his court, you cut through all the ambiguity and BS and back and forth. And you will know with his actions what he wants and viceversa. Yes, you take a page out of a man's playbook and you simply state what you do and don't want and you stop with the tortured "Oh what did he mean by that?" and "If I ask for what I want I'll scare him off, so I can't show myself to be firm and demanding."

 

Nope, cut through the crap right away. He's either with you 100 percent and that means getting back together OR he's not and you can close the door and say thanks, but no thanks. And continue to heal. Real friends don't do the things this guy did to you anyways, sorry but they don't. It's one of the reasons exes can never really be friends--because nine times out of town if a friend did 1/10th the things they did to you, you'd disown and ban said friend from your life forever.

 

That is unless you are really truly over him, and you both share a common interest that isn't easy to find in other people. You know, "Well, Ted is twice the man Bob ever was and I'm happy with Ted, but I do miss that extreme scrapbooking that Bob and I did. So long as he's cool with Ted and me being together now then yeah, why not add him back as a friend? I miss extreme scrapbooking and Ted hates that." Then sure accept his friends request although keep in mind that to him "being friends" may mean anything from a simple, "OH thank heavens she doesn't hate me. Cool, I'm done with her," and you never hear from him again to "I got me a late night booty call lined up if things go south with some other girl."

 

If you can be fine with any of those scenarios then great contact him back. Otherwise realize he can't want you back that badly, because he didn't even bother to pick up the phone to call you--just sent a vague text that takes 2 seconds. Someone who wants you back generally shows a whole lot more effort, especially if they were the dumper.

[ParisPaulette]

And like Hollyj said you do get over your first love. Mine is so long ago in the dust now I wouldn't even recognize him and would likely slam the door in his face if he showed up tomorrow since he was such a massive d**k to me. Not to mention laying his hands on me, so nope. Six months is nothing, but trust me you'll look back even a year or two from now and be like, "Oh man, what did I ever see in him???"

[ATO123]

Have you dated other people in the mean time, or gone on dates? When I broke up with boyfriend who cheated on me, I was so immensely hurt. It took me a while to build up the courage to see other people. I was adamant that I would never find love again and that I would never move on. It's not about finding a rebound, or anything like that, it's about acknowledging the fact that there are other men out there and you will fall in love again. I built some really good friendships too. And then, well, I found someone new seven months later after the break up, and even though my ex still messaged me occasionally, I didn't care any more.

Honestly? You probably shouldn't reply. Let's face it, it would make him over-think the reason as to why you didn't reply anyway. But realistically I know how hard it is not to just send back a message. So if you think it's best to reply, send back one simple message. It should be civil and short. And that way no-one ends up hurting even more.

[frida]

He's simply trying to feel better about himself, as he knows he ended it badly. This is not about you, but all about him and his ego.

 

You should have blocked this guy, long ago. You also need to ask yourself, why you would want a guy who dumped you out of the blue, with no explanation. He was quite hurtful and disrespectful. I hope you will soon see that you deserve more.

 

FYI: you do get over your first love. I no longer love mine. Let go.

 

I don't want him, I know I deserve better. I just don't know how to respond to his message, because of everything that happened.

Also I'm happy to hear that one day I won't have any feelings toward him. I don't love him the way I once did. The feelings have definitely changed, but a part of me still has a sting when I think about him.

[frida]

I honestly don't think we could be in a relationship again, whether or not thats what he wants. He's a coward, I know it and he does to. He even admitted to me that he chickened out any time he wanted to talk to me while we were at school. I do like your suggestion of keeping the door open just a crack...I thought about telling him that I am finally happy and in a good place, and its been so long that I don't know how I feel about us being friends and I need time to think. Is that pathetic? Its my honest thoughts.

 

I know I'm not ready to hear about his new gf (if he has one) and I do agree that his text is vague and if he were a man he should have picked up the phone and called me. And I told myself that someone who wants to be with me makes every possible effort to have me in their life and he made NONE.

 

So is that it then? Did I answer my own question? After essentially 4 months of no contact do I not respond and forever close the door?

[Helpexpressme]

His vague attempt at being "friends" is piss poor at best. If he was serious he would ring you. Not text you after 6 months. I hope you have not responded. Remember, you wrote up the top that you reached out twice and never got an answer. Make him suffer the same fate.

[frida]

I've gone on dates and have talked to a few guys, but no one I was really interested in or saw any potential with. I feel ready to date, but I don't want to waste my time with someone I see no future with. I always knew I would move on and find someone else. The thought of never finding love again never crossed my mind. My problem is that I was so hurt by this person who I never ever thought would hurt me the way he did. I never thought he would just cut me out of his life and move on and never look back. I felt so vulnerable and thrown to the side like I meant nothing to him.

 

Do you still talk to your ex now that he messages you and you've found someone else?

[looking4truth]

Close the door! Don't respond! Move on!

[Hollyj]

I don't want him, I know I deserve better. I just don't know how to respond to his message, because of everything that happened.

Also I'm happy to hear that one day I won't have any feelings toward him. I don't love him the way I once did. The feelings have definitely changed, but a part of me still has a sting when I think about him.

I don't know why you feel that you have to respond? Why do you feel you owe him anything? he didn't give you that courtesy.

 

If you respond, especially after the way he disrespected you, you show that you are a doormat

 

MOVE ON!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't want him, I know I deserve better. I just don't know how to respond to his message, because of everything that happened.

Also I'm happy to hear that one day I won't have any feelings toward him. I don't love him the way I once did. The feelings have definitely changed, but a part of me still has a sting when I think about him.

 

Then wish him the best but refuse friendship.

[ParisPaulette]

I think at this stage of the game it's best if you don't respond. You sound like you were healing nicely prior to this and maybe what you're feeling is more out of habit. The old "I wanted this for so long and now that it's here, I kind of don't," which happens yes when we heal and begin to move on. Remember exes are exes for a reason.

 

And if you feel you need to say anything a simple, "We can't be friends right now," text back since hey that's all he gave you, should suffice. It's not a go bleep yourself, but it's not an invitation for him back into your life.

 

After that if he wants to make a sincere and genuine effort to make amends and undo the damage that will be on him, not you. In the meantime stay the course and keep doing the things that make you feel better about you and about life.

[SirCheese]

^ Everything Paris says above is true. Keep on healing as you were & don't let him back into your life unless he makes a sincere effort to place himself back where you want him. Remember, he's the one that dumped you & then ignored you, don't do what he wants at the drop of a hat.

 

Honestly tho... You're far better off just moving on fully on anyway & finding someone who knows they want to be with you & stay with you. It's too risky hanging with someone else you had feelings for when they only want to be friends as you'll end up getting attached again - You might think you're ok being just friends with him, but that your posting here means you aren't