In need of advice, my boyfriend's ex wants him back badly.

[katefl24]

Here's the situation (as quickly as possible, it is complicated): June 2004 my boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. They parted amicably, she wanted to move back to Maine where her family is and his life is here in Florida. She wanted him to marry her and felt that would solve everything (still didn't settle the differences of where they each wanted to settle down).

 

Anyway they broke up and I met him 2 months later. We had an instant attraction and began dating quickly. I worried about being a "rebound" for him but we talked about it and he explained their situation to me. He said it was definitely, definitely over or he wouldn't have started dating me, in fairness to me, if he wasn't absolutely sure. Things were going so, so well and still are. We've been dating 6 months now and haven't had a single fight – not even come close! I feel that we have an ideal relationship, I trust him (jealousy was a problem for me with my ex because he cheated on me) and have no problem with him going out with the guys, and he trusts me. We share a lot of things but still have our separate time as well.

 

I've been scared to tell him that I love him for the first time, but I'm pretty sure we both know it without having to say it. I can tell by the way he looks at me and the things he says like, "I was watching you sleep last night for a long time. I never do things like that, but you looked so beautiful and peaceful," and "everything just keeps getting better and better with you." We've discussed what we both want in the future, which is marriage and kids, and all his friends and mine (we met through friends, so we now have a common group of friends – his buddies from college, one of whom a good friend of mine married…) have made references to us having kids/getting married/etc…

 

Once, his ex called him like 3 times in a row until he finally turned off the phone. He told me they still speak occasionally (I respected his honesty) and that she called herself his "stalker". I knew immediately she wanted him back, but she's far away so I didn't worry too much. But today, he left for work earlier than me and I noticed an envelope with hearts on it from Maine where she is. I hate to admit it, but any girl in my position would snoop which I did. What I found was a letter professing her undying love for him and her feeling assured that they would end up together again someday soon when they "figured stuff out". She said stuff like, "I want to have babies with you and die next to you. This experience has only deepened my love for you. Happy Valentines day, I wish we could be spending it together my love." She also sent him a belated Christmas gift – CD's she made for him with pictures of the two of them on them.

 

Now I'm desperately afraid I'll end up getting terribly hurt if he gets back with her and dumps me. Am I just a placeholder until she comes back here (may not happen but the way the letters read, she just might if she thought it would work). I know he told her he is with me now, but she just ignored that fact completely in her letters. I considered dumping him just so I won't get hurt if it happens later, but that's like letting her "win" and I don't want to lose him. I also considered telling him how much I love him, but I don't think it should be just out of response to this I want to say it when it feels right to me not because of her.

 

My main question is: what should I do? I don't want to tell him I snooped, but I need to know what is going on. Is she just crazy, and if so I think he needs to tell her to back off. I was tempted to tell her to back off, but feel my getting involved with her would only make things worse, it's something he needs to do. Last month, we faced that I could have been pregnant but wasn't and he said it wouldn't be a terrible thing if I had been, so when I read her letters I though, "Maybe I should get pregnant, he wouldn't care and then she'd back off for good!" But that won't solve anything, she could still try and it's really not the right time for us. (I'd like to be married first, but like him it wouldn't be terrible to me if it did happen now. We are both at good places in life, have good jobs, I bought my first home right as we started dating, etc.)

 

When he told me they talked occasionally, I was kind of ok with it initially but now I would like him to cut off contact completely. How do I tell him this without creating an ever bigger issue? This just could be the foundation for our first fight, I just don't want our first to be our last.

[RayKay]

Well, for one...don't snoop

 

Okay, now that I got THAT out of the way. To me, it does not sound like on HIS end, you have anything to worry about. She wanted him to marry her, not the other way around, or else they would not have broken up.

 

And, he gives all the signs of being very into you - and makes you feel loved, right? He seemed mature enough to face challenge of possible pregnancy..and she wrote HIM. That happens sometimes, does not mean he reciprocates. For example..my boyfriend and his ex broke up a couple years ago..she lives elsewhere. They broke up as basically she chose to stay in the Navy meaning she would have to move, he was not really ready to move and did not really like her in the Navy (long story). She broke it off.

 

He was pretty upset about it, for a long time, but moved on (and is now very very happy with me!). She has regrets. She does not write letters like that, but he can tell/I can tell she has regrets. But that is on HER side, not his. I am secure knowing by his actions, words (fact he just moved in with me!) he wants ME and would not go back that way.

 

Now here is the thing...DON'T go getting pregnant! Sure it might not have been a "bad" but wait until you are both confident and make decision to start family/marry etc. Don't use a child to keep him (it never. or rarely works, in long term). He'll stay because he WANTS to.

 

I think you should just leave it. She wrote him, not him her, he made it clear he is with someone...she is just ignoring it or not taking it seriously. Until he gives you actual reason to be suspicious, don't bring it up. By his actions (him watching you, being affectionate) I think you have nothing to worry about from his side. Don't tell him to cut contact...BAD idea. What you can do is admit you do get a bit jealous when she calls, and kind of laugh at it, and that opens up discussion - he will likely say you have nothing to worry about. From what you have described, it sounds like SHE is only one who is dillusional and wants to get back with him. He shows he wants YOU.

[annie24]

I agree with everything RayKay said. It sounds like you've got a good guy, and all of the things his ex is saying are not being reciprocated. Don't go snooping, like RayKay said. The reason he may have not told you about the V-day card is because he doesn't want to worry you with his ex's neuroses.

 

Good luck!

[mt_joy]

I also agree with RayKay. If you feel like you need to, talk to him about your concerns. Be blunt. Tell him what you told us. If it really bothers you that they still talk, let him know that you feel like he's stringing her along (or whatever). Don't demand that he cut off contact. Just express openly how you feel. Take care.

[DN]

Also, the truth is there are some situations that we just can't control, and if we try we just make them worse. It's really tough when that happens, you wish you could get inside the other people's heads and know what they are really thinking.

 

My advice would be to not try to force the issue in any way, certainly not by getting pregnant, or ultimatums etc. Concentrate on keeping the relationship going as well as it has been so he will have no reason to dump you for his ex. Don't throw it away, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you - and you will always regret it if you do because you will have that "what if I hadn't done that?" question left hanging.

 

There is no question this is a tough time for you - but it would be a shame to give up - who cares whether she wins or loses, any 'victory' you have will be for the sake of your own happiness, she'll just have to take care of her own stuff.

[Luscious]

After you've already snoop, its gonna be hard for you to forget about it...so may you should build a conversation about what you're feeling and how you're scared of losing him and everything should flow afterwards but do not mention how you read his letter. When you're talking to him make sure your very calm and collective because communication is the key to a good relationship.

Good Luck

[DN]

one way to bring this up without admitting that you snooped is to pretend you are bringing it up because the envelope is from Maine and has hearts on it. So you say something like "Is she still bugging you to get back with her. Any minute now my jealousy cells are going to start acting up". Say it casually, with a smile to keep it light, and see what his reaction is.

[katefl24]

Thank you guys so much, I feel better already to hear from others that it does sound like her issues, not so much his or mine.

 

I admit the idea of getting pregnant was a stupid one, I know it's never the right reason and is still no guarantee as far keeping him is concerned. I knew it was crazy, but it did pop into my head at the thought of this girl trying her hardest to get my man.

 

I was totally ok with him and her being friends, although he did recently (before I snooped and found the letters) allude to the fact that it is hard to be just friends with someone you dated because you can't erase that history; probably his mind changed once he started getting the letters and phone calls. He told me at the beginning that their breakup was a mutual decision and ended amicably so remaining friends seemed normal. I just can't believe how she is acting, like they are still a couple and I am nobody, instead of recognizing that I am the person he is with almost every day, I am the one who he's sleeping with, someone he has introduced to his family (before I ever dreamed of bringing him to meet mine – which he has finally, and they love him).

 

I guess she is just crazy, she did make a mistake because he's a great guy but her loss is my gain and I think him and I make a better couple than her and him because we have more in common and do have the same long term goals/want to settle in the same area whereas they did not.

 

Last question: I still feel like I should discuss my new insecurity about her with him so I can finally put this matter to rest, but how do I do it without admitting I was snooping? I do feel badly about it, I don't normally do it but couldn't resist when I saw the hearts and that it was from Maine.

[Universe]

RayKay said everything I was going to say for me. Just sit pretty. If he wanted to be with her, he would be giving off more indications in his behavior. He's not. Don't blow it out of proportion. His ex realizes what she gave up and is hating herself for it. She's reaching. She likely won't give up either. But don't worry. Based on what you said of her letter, she didn't say anything that would make him want to go back to her. As all of us here have read about many breakup stories and attempts at reconciliation, I think we'd all agree that her letter was something we all would have recommended her not to send. It says how she feels, but the rest is desperate and needy. Not only that, but her x-mas gift was obviously manipulative. If I were him I would not be attracted back to her from that letter. You've been together 6 months. So you're just about over the rebound hump. Plus there was two months in between which is better than two weeks. He's 8 months removed from her and the break was mutual. He has six months of bliss with you behind him. I think she's toast.

So I would not do or say anything if I were you. Give it a few days of doing and saying absolutely nothing about it. Try to forget it ever happened. If you can, that would be for the best.

But if you can't and it's really just eating you up, then just say, "I saw that heart covered envelope from Maine. Do I have anything to be worried about?" After he assures you that you don't, you could say, "I know it's your business, but if you need advice or want to talk about it, I'm here for you." --Something like that to show you care for him.

It would be very hard for any action on your part to not seem like jealousy to him. So what ever you do, be careful not to appear jealous. Try to focus on his needs in this situation, not yours. This will make you all the more attractive to him. His needs are probably to be left alone to deal with her in his own way.

I strongly recommend that you try to forget about it and go on with your blissful relationship. If it comes out later that you read the letter, he should appreciate the fact that you did not pressure him about it. You don't want to apply any pressure. Let him decide to be with you on his own. And I think he's already decided.

I would also wait to tell him you love him. Things are going so well and it's obvious that you love each other. Don't let your anxiety about a socially constructed idea of what people are supposed to say to each other make you think that it will change anything to say it. The word "love" will never live up to the feeling of it and can easily cheapen the experience. Only say it at the exact moment that you are feeling it most intensely.

This is a lyric from a Bright Eyes song that I think articulates this very well:

So you are trying again or just visiting friends

One had just had his heart broke

For the first time in his life he realized there are times

When you can't make it alone

So now you are giving advice as if you had the right

To use a word like love

It's a negotiable term, what gets said is not what is heard

So it's different then for everyone

 

 

 

You'll be fine. Good luck.

[Universe]

I still feel like I should discuss my new insecurity about her with him so I can finally put this matter to rest...

Your insecurity is your problem, not his. Insecurity is the least attractive thing in the world. If he knows that you're feeling insecure, it will make it ten times harder for him to do anything to make you feel more secure.

I had this exact problem with my ex and it was a large part, if not the fundamental problem, for why we broke up. I was insecure and we discussed it. She would do and say all sorts of things to try and make me feel more adequate and secure, but it just made things worse. This went on for over a year and slowly destroyed everything. Since we've broke up, I've completely restored my confidence and feel more secure with myself than ever in my life. But I never could have done this if I wasn't completely on my own.

I'm not saying that you need to be on your own. But you have to realize that ONLY YOU can fix this. You really have to take a step back and look at yourself independent of your relationship with this guy and know in your heart that you can fix whatever part of yourself you feel is broken. He can't fix it for you. Ask yourself, "How would I fix this if I were on my own?"

Just focus on yourself. He loves you for who you are. Be confident and let yourself grow.

[katefl24]

I appreciate the good adivce but wanted to add one thing in response to the last comment, about taking a step back and looking at things independent: I know that many women are very incapable of indendence and get desperate/clingy just to have a man and I think you may be feeling this is sort of what's going on with me. This is NOT the case for me, I was in a 4 and 1/2 year abusive co-dependent relationship and learned a lot. It took a lot of courage and independence to leave, and I dated NOONE for a whole year so I could learn just what you said - how to do things on my own, how to accept being by myself, etc. And it worked wonders. I now know that I can make it just fine, with or without a man, which I think is one of the things that helped my current relationship. The new insecurity reminds me of the "old me" which I DO NOT want to return in any way so that's why I was asking for the advice- I don't want to turn into a crazy, jealous psycho in a relationship consiting of contant fights when right now things are perfect.

 

I think I will trust that she is just trying but won't sway him - we've discusssed how she tried to pressure him into marriage. I think the fact that I do not pressure him, give him his personal time with friends and don't grill him on things (where were you/who were you with/why were you out so late, etc..) is one of the things he likes the best about our relationship compared to with her. So I shouldn't let my insecurity turn me into exactly what he and I don't want- someone like her!

 

I just really hope this doesn't backfire on me and end badly because I don't know if I can handle it too well - between the abusive relationship and the deaths of my two brothers in '97 and '03, I don't think I could take much more and this great new relatipnship was exactly what I needed to give me hope that life could be good again. If it ends terribley then it only reinforces my original thoughts: that life basically sucks and is full of pain and hurt.

[Universe]

I know that many women are very incapable of indendence and get desperate/clingy just to have a man and I think you may be feeling this is sort of what's going on with me.

My comments had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you are a woman. Like I said, I went through this myself and it ruined my relationship. I'm a man. So it happens to all of us.

 

I will warn you not to place so much importance on this relationship, especially now when it's still relatively new. You will find happiness somewhere somehow even if this relationship doesn't work out. Don't think you won't.

 

All the best.

[katefl24]

Well, it's been a few months and I've tried to just forget the whole nasty "I want you back" letter ever happened. Things have been going well, except I can't quit worrying about what's going to happen in June...

 

Well, last night we went to dinner at Chili's where his ex worked for a few years. An old friend of hers came over to my boyfriend and started talking to him. It was a group of us, so I tried to get involved in a conversation with some other people and not be listening in (took the advice on not snooping anymore), but everyone else was sitting further down and I couldn't really get involved in a conversation so had no way to block out their conversation.. She asked if her still spoke with her and he said no really. She was like, "No way! You guys don't talk anymore? I don't believe it, how long has it been?" And he said, "Well, we email. It's been about 2 weeks." And she said, "She's coming back soon, isn't she?" (I knew that already, but now I can admit to knowing it from her and not snooping...) Finally after this girl just talking about his ex and him for a WHILE (felt like forever to me, I was very uncomforterable), she asked him if he was dating anyone and I guess he pointed to me (didn't hear him say anything) and she was like, "Oh, sorry!" and left. This girl, like his ex, is dumb. Too dumb to realize he was sitting with a girl and MAYBE she shouldn't be blabbing about his ex? I know his ex is dumb because her letter was the worst spelling and grammar I've ever seen for a college grad...Seriously a third grader could do better. I'm very smart, and he likes that a lot about me so I wonder how he could have dated someone not so smart like her..

 

Basically, she was talking as if they would certainly get back together since she's returning from Peace Corps. And he admitted they keep in touch regularly. And I know (from snooping) that she is trying everything to get him back, so their correspondence CAN'T be platonic as she is practically begging for them to get back together. She ignores the fact that I exist, that we've been dating for 8 months now, like I'm just someone temporary to him until she gets back so she'll choose to ignore my existence completely and I don't know how much he agrees with that or doesn't, if at all.

 

When we first started dating, he was honest about his recent breakup but said that he was sure it was over and that he was ready to date someone else. He said if he had ANY remaining feelings for her he wouldn't have started seeing me. But now I wonder...

 

The distance was not their only issue, I learned from mutual friends. I only hope he remembers that. Apparently she doesn't want to live in FL where he and I both live and have family. (She was here for college, family is in Maine.) Also, she considered being a lesbian at one point and wasn't sure about all that..My hope is that he sees that clearly I am the better choice, because of my intelligence and the fact that he won't have to support me (I am a professional with a great job, actually make more than him) like she is assuming he will do if they get back together... Her college degree is the easiest and won't get her a job.. She plans on doing nothing but letting him support her so she can do her "charity work"...

 

Anyway, after dinner I told him (not all at once but throughout the conversation), "I just want you to know that I'm not only smart but very perceptive as well. I pick up on little things, and even if I don't say anything, not much gets by me. It's very hard to put something spast me, and even if you think you have most likely you haven't. I usually know more about things than you think." He acted dumbfounded, but I had a feeling he knew what I was talking about even though neither of us said it. I think he was afraid of saying the WRONG thing!

 

So, now the question is: 1) Do I say anything else? What if he brings it up?

2) My problem of her is still there... what to do about that if/when it becomes an issue? 3) Should I just stop agonizing over this and dump him before he can do it to me (and risk losing the best guy ever...who I am completely in love with yet haven't been able to tell him becuase of all these fears that I'll lose him.. Saying it is like admitting it to myself and opening myself up to getting hurt).

 

Another interesting tidbit: my ex, an abusive lowlife who I dated for 4 and 1/2 years, is in jail and had himself moved to where i live, where he has no family /friends.. Haven't told my boyfriend about it. Maybe I can casually say, yeah my ex is in town, he called/wrote me and we are going to be friends now.. To make him see that it's NOT cool to be constantly talking to your ex?? I know it will make him jealous, he's gotten jealous about some of my guy friends before so I know it will work...

 

Any ideas or advice will be GREAT as I'm still having major anxiety over all this...Thanks.