I feel Like I have become too clingly

[Coolkid123]

So I met this girl about three months ago we have been on two dates and they went great. After our second date I realized that I think I am starting to like her. She even invited me on the third date and we still have plans for it but its two weeks away. But anyways the week before last she would text me first everyday now this week it has really gone down. And I felt like she was ignoring my texts so I kept sending more and more. She said she is having a hard time right. But I feel like my clingyness has driven her away. We still have plans for our third date but I'm afraid she will cancel on me. I need to ask her though like a week before our date if we're still on because if we aren't and I cancel them I won't get any refund.

 

My question is now. What should I do and is there any chance that maybe she still likes me?

[j.man]

Refund for what exactly?

 

Don't know how many times I've said it to different people, but *stop* texting in between dates, especially when you've only been on a few. All that you need to do between dates is set up the next date. No text = no cling.

 

She might well still like you but want you to back off a bit before you two go out again.

[Coolkid123]

Refund for what exactly?

 

Don't know how many times I've said it to different people, but *stop* texting in between dates, especially when you've only been on a few. All that you need to do between dates is set up the next date. No text = no cling.

 

She might well still like you but want you to back off a bit before you two go out again.

 

A class were taking together. Maybe I should just assume she is going because she hasn't told me no yet and we have talked recently. So maybe I shouldn't talk to her until the day before to make sure we're still good?

[toby17]

The thing about clingyness is the other person usually does something to cause it. She didn't answer your texts, you got anxious. And your post is still about anxiety.

 

Does she still like me? What should I do? I can't stop thinking about this...

 

She's not your last chance so stop acting like she is.

 

Stop contacting her and read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller or be lazy and read an article about anxious attachment.

 

Don't text her; don't call her.

 

Go to the class yourself. Find someone to take her place. If it's not a lot of money, suck it up. If she doesn't contact you and specifically ask about the class, cancel her ticket (and go on your own). If she asks about it, you tell her that you made a decision to cancel it and get the refund when you didn't here from her.

 

Have the sense to realize that things are not going to work about between you and this girl because she is always going to make you anxious - it's what avoidants do.

[Coolkid123]

Well she said she was having a bad week and she did talk to me the other day. I think I'll make sure our plans are still good this Thursday. I know she's not my last chance but I haven't gotten along with a girl like this in a while so i just sit wanna lose it.

[Carnatic]

^^I don't think this advice is all that helpful.

 

Well maybe it is if you just follow the actual course of action you suggest and do nothing, but it just sounds like you're also telling him to give this one up, expect her to be a no-show and encouraging him to blame her for what he is feeling.

 

To the OP.

 

It's fairly understandable how you feel right now, and I can certainly empathise. Reading everything you can into how often the girl you're dating contacts you, and then worrying whether you've actually driven her away by being too clingy. Without knowing the exact sequence of events I can't say whether there is anything to read into things, the fact her frequency of contacting you has dipped may well be nothing. Sometimes you do things more often and sometimes less often, you're not always really aware of how often you're doing it and as she says she might be feeling down (nothing to do with you) and just not feeling like sending texts to a guy she is going on a third date with. You've only known her for three months so you probably aren't the one she's going to open up to when she's down yet. As J-man says, often people don't text each other at all between dates, except to make arrangements for the next one, maybe even she felt she was texting you too much, just try and let things be for now.

 

If when you look back at your text history between the two of you, it has become very heavily weighted towards yourself then stop. Don't assume that you've driven her away, but please do be careful that you don't. Just wait and see, assume the date is still on and try and relax and look forward to it. I've been in your situation at times in the past and you do find it difficult to do anything else in the run-up to the date, so worried you are that you're going to be stood up. You can't do much about your own worry but you can keep it from spilling out so that she sees how worried you are.

 

I wouldn't text her about confirmation. It would just come accross so pushy, especially if you feel you have already overdone it a little on the texting. I know that feeling where you want to contact someone and think you've found an excuse and can contact them totally naturally, and it never works out that way. If you have come accross as clingy then you haven't ruined it if you stop being that way now. Also 'I need to know if you're still coming so I can get a refund if I have to cancel'... is just so unromantic, passive-aggressive even, she doesn't want to receive that text message from you so just leave it alone.

[Coolkid123]

I didn't say anything about the refund but I told her if something comes up I can cancel it a week before. Idk I'm just the exact opposite of a good date I guess. She says she is still going so I'm just going to leave her alone for the next two weeks unless she wants to talk to me.

[catfeeder]

Scout for a friend or family member who may want to take the class if the girl backs out, then confirm with her the day before class.

 

Otherwise, just take the class yourself while searching for someone else to use the other seat.

 

It was probably too soon to lock a date you barely know into an ongoing class, and I hope it wasn't too pricey.

 

Stop texting.

[Coolkid123]

Scout for a friend or family member who may want to take the class if the girl backs out, then confirm with her the day before class.

 

Otherwise, just take the class yourself while searching for someone else to use the other seat.

 

It was probably too soon to lock a date you barely know into an ongoing class, and I hope it wasn't too pricey.

 

Stop texting.

 

It's not too pricey and the class was her idea. I'm definitely not going to talk to her until she wants to talk to me. I'll just give her her space from now on.

[toby17]

I don't think this advice is all that helpful.

 

Well, isn't that nice.

 

Well maybe it is if you just follow the actual course of action you suggest and do nothing

 

So, I'm confused... if he followed my advice exactly then my advice would be helpful but if he doesn't follow my advice then my advice isn't helpful?

 

but it just sounds like you're also telling him to give this one up

 

That's exactly what I'm telling him.

 

expect her to be a no-show

 

No, I told him to wait and see if she contacted him by the date when he needed to request the refund.

 

and encouraging him to blame her for what he is feeling.

 

No, I implied that I think he has anxious attachment and he should read the book.

 

But yes, if you read the book, you'll find out why avoidants bring out the worse in people with anxious attachment.

 

But look, he didn't take my advice. He chose to hope for the best and give her one more chance.

 

Well she said she was having a bad week and she did talk to me the other day. I think I'll make sure our plans are still good this Thursday. I know she's not my last chance but I haven't gotten along with a girl like this in a while so i just sit wanna lose it.

 

And he's right back where he's started.

 

I'm definitely not going to talk to her until she wants to talk to me. I'll just give her her space from now on.

[Carnatic]

Well, isn't that nice.

I'm sorry if I offended you. I was just a little concerned at the level of negativity in what you were saying. You seem to be advocating pessimism. That route can lead to people acting on negative outcomes before those outcomes have even happened. I've just been comforting a friend who broke up with her girlfriend because through pessimism (as a result of depression) she decided that her girlfriend didn't want to be around her and she would be doing her a favour by breaking it off.

 

So, I'm confused... if he followed my advice exactly then my advice would be helpful but if he doesn't follow my advice then my advice isn't helpful?

Sorry, what I meant was that while there is nothing wrong with your advice for what the OP should do, I disagreed with your suggestions for how the OP should see the bigger picture.

 

 

 

That's exactly what I'm telling him.

 

No, I told him to wait and see if she contacted him by the date when he needed to request the refund.

 

I'm sorry I don't get this. You sound like you're contradicting yourself. You say on the one hand that you are telling the OP to give this one up, but on the other hand you deny that you're saying he should expect her to be a no-show. Which is it?

 

No, I implied that I think he has anxious attachment and he should read the book.

 

But yes, if you read the book, you'll find out why avoidants bring out the worse in people with anxious attachment.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but when you said 'avoidant' you were saying that she is the 'avoidant' right? If you did mean that then what I was saying is you're focusing on her behaviour as being the cause of the OP's anxiety. That's what I don't think is helpful, viewing basically typical human behaviour as something almost pathological, to be given a label.

 

But look, he didn't take my advice. He chose to hope for the best and give her one more chance.

It's the language you use... 'give her one more chance', as though she's done something wrong.

 

And he's right back where he's started.

Yes, but 'where he started' is with an upcoming date with a girl he wants to get along with... why move from that position?