Is NC best?

[Heartbrok3n445]

I know we aren't suppose to think this way or ask this question or have any hope... but if my ex WAS to ever come back... is it better for me to go NC or keep talking to him?

 

I know the obvious answer is strictly NC but my ex has been dropping comments that give me hope (I know that's bad). He said to me on the phone yesterday 'you probably wont have to wait much longer' about him coming back.

 

I also said that 'I think you want to get back with me but your not sure yet and you dont want to go back to the same sh*t or am i wrong?' and he said 'no thats about right'.

 

Then I (stupidly) said we should hang out and talk and he said he couldnt this arvo but 'maybe tomorrow?' and I asked maybe after he's finished what he's doing and he said it would depend on what time but would let me know.

 

I then asked if he was just saying this because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or if he was serious because I need to know. and then I did what is a big issue of mine (I freak out when I dont receive a response and then text another bunch of times ).

 

After that I basically sent another msg saying that if I dont hear from him tonight I wouldnt be contacting him again blah blah and that it was his choice as I've already tried. Of corse I didnt hear from him (I knew I wouldnt). But I doubt he believed me anyway and probably expects me to text again in a day or two or over the weekend.

 

It's only been two days officially broken up but it's been a week of hell. We've had to move out and also I found out yesterday that we aren't able to split our loan so now we are tied together until something can happen. I'm the type of person who needs to cut everything about that person out to be able to move on properly.

 

I know he would need time, and two days is not enough. I know it's best to be broken up right now regardless of the future but I'm worried if we dont text it will make it easier for him to move on and he will just forget about me I guess.

 

If there was any chance that we might get back together, is NC best right now?

 

I know I cant rely or hold on to the hope that that would happen. But what would be the answer anyway?

 

Thanks everyone xo

[ParisPaulette]

Bluntly speaking from personal experience NC is best on a number of levels, none of them having to do with getting your ex back. That said if that were to happen it will happen, because he realizes he misses you and what life is like without you. And more importantly if it were to happen, and there's no guarantee of that BTW, it would happen because you each took a long enough break to fix whatever was wrong to begin with, within yourselves first.

 

Contrary though, if you stay in contact he can use you to ease his own loneliness and boost his ego when it takes a hit from rejection and same with you. He knows he still has you and therefore you are of less value. And begging and chasing people sure never gets anyone back. It also keeps you loyal to him and unable to see any other opportunities that might come up to you without him in the picture.

 

But NC is primarily for you to heal, to gain enough distance and perspective from the relationship and everything that happened for you to understand what happened and why the relationship didn't move forward. It's a chance for you to learn that life is good again even without him in it. And you need that right now, far more than you need him there continuing to confuse and give you false hope for something that may or may not happen.

 

If he comes back later after you've gained yourself and your self-confidence back the relationship has a chance to survive too. Not so if the original issues that happened are still in place along with insecurities and fears.

 

Right now while you are both still tied financially keep to that interaction only and to a bare minimum if you have to. But NC otherwise yes, absolutely. Whether or not it brings him back is impossible to say. If it's meant to be then it will happen regardless, but NC helps you heal and get enough of yourself back that you don't either chase him off unwittingly OR stop you from gaining your own self-confidence and self-esteem back.

[mhowe]

No more testing to say you won't be texting anymore. Just NC.

[Heartbrok3n445]

I'm just so angry that he said those things that made me think we might get back together.

 

Like he knows what I'm like and that I'd hold onto stuff like that.

 

I would rather him just not say anything.

 

But I will definitely stick to NC. I just hope it makes him realize what he's lost.

[mhowe]

It is not up to others to act as we wish them to. It is up to ourselves to remain true to our boundaries. When they try and manipulate them, say nothing and don't get your hopes up. Because he isn't offering hope. He is tossing out a line to manipulate you. And you know it.

[Realitynut]

PP....you're my hero! Wish i could be half the woman you are. Yep....i get so much out of your posts. OP....listen up....my guy has been hot/cold for a year. Broke up at the end of March. (no words...just disappeared) Every week or two weeks we get together....i believe it's to GET TOGETHER....we have sex....and poof. Gone again.

 

Last week he was gone to Florida for a whole week. Always misses me when he's gone. Came home and drove to my house. Sat outside on porch swing...and was nice. No sex...but kissing. COOL the next day.

 

I told him...I'm afraid that he won't call the next day...he said he would. Yes he did...but very cool. So the next night, I brought him something he needed. He asked me to come over. (booty call i assume....now that the night is over) I told him i was afraid to go to bed with him...cuz he's always distant and doesn't call after that. He promised me he would.

 

uh-huh. He called...but was cold as ice. I txted last night. Didn't get a response.

 

When i go NC...he misses me. When i meet up with someone else...suddenly he's attracted to me. When he has me...and i become attached again...(which is ALWAYS...lol) he loses that interest.

 

I can only imagine this is what he feels...because he's totally against talking about feelings and relationships.

 

I was thinking about txting him now and saying...Morning sweet cheeks...but after reading PP's very sage advice...I'm thinking now....naw. He's not beating down my door.....

[ParisPaulette]

Realitynut, you're no slouch either. And to both you and the OP, as a woman who did the whole hot and cold thing (more than once, meaning only time has made me wiser and not brainpower i'm afraid) you both need to accept what is, not what you want.

 

A guy who really values you values you AFTER they have you and they keep hold of you. All others are simply passing through your life and may very well not be strong enough to be your man. (Great song BTW, highly recommend you listen to it, thank you Sheryl Crow!)

 

This is not a flaw in you ladies, emotionally or otherwise unavailable men are simply unavailable to be what you need or want in the way of a relationship. Accept that, accept that you want more and won't get it from Mr. Hot/Cold and you'll be okay. It's all part of the learning process, so long and you learn and don't keep doing what I did which is going back convinced there'd be a different outcome.

 

Realitynut, stop asking this guy to call you. If you want a booty call, go for it, roll out of bed, say "I'll call you, hon," then don't. Turn the tables and keep looking elsewhere.

 

OP, move forward without this guy. Seriously, you were happy in life before he showed up and you will be happy again.

[toolovehim]

I agree that NC is the best. My personal story is I want him back, but NC is the way to go and you need the believe to stick to that. I would say you had text/talked him too much, it would only prolong your pain.

[toolovehim]

Glad I saw this post! Thanks ParisPaulette! Your words are so much helpful to me at this time, I hope I could save my last grace.

 

I was very happy in life before he showed up and I will be happy again.

[toolovehim]

It is easier to see from outsider's view.

 

He doesn't appreciate you, just like my story, leave him, you deserve better, but you just have to be strong enough to find it.

[LLCBOS]

 

my ex has been dropping comments that give me hope (I know that's bad). He said to me on the phone yesterday 'you probably wont have to wait much longer' about him coming back.

 

ANY man that even thought about saying that BS to me would be a distant memory.

[toolovehim]

I almost came to the point today to text him, thanks everyone! I made it through today and I will come back tomorrow to read what all of you said to get some help again.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thank you for everyone's responses! I'm trying to not text him... I still have hope that he will come back and I really want to NOT think like that but idk how. Trying to have the mindset of this is the best for now and whatever will be will be. I just think it's so much easier for him and he is already getting better each day

[LLCBOS]

Thank you for everyone's responses! I'm trying to not text him... I still have hope that he will come back and I really want to NOT think like that but idk how. Trying to have the mindset of this is the best for now and whatever will be will be. I just think it's so much easier for him and he is already getting better each day

 

All young women think like that but listen, you should be thinking about YOUR thoughts...how YOU feel, not his. Take care of YOU...just like he is doing. I assure you he is NOT home analyzing everything so don't waste your time doing it.