Japanese-syle disappearing act.

[rich46]

Hi all,

 

My second post today as I am really struggling, and it is with the nature of the break-up, something that I haven't experienced before.

 

Quick recap on my relationship. Together 3 years, she's Japanese, lives a couple of hours away but we saw each other most weekends, I am 34 and she is 26. I was due to move to Tokyo this summer. Had a great last weekend together a few weeks ago. She then suddenly became distant, cancelled a meet up with me, blaming her need for a relaxing day at home after a stressful time at work. More distant texts followed, so I suggested we might have a chat. She made excuses for not being able to chat, then stopped texting. I didn't initiate again for a few days as I wanted to give her space, but sent an upbeat text on Easter Sunday to which she didn't respond. I then called in the evening direct to her cellphone which I had never done before (used to use skype)...no reply.

 

Been two weeks NC ever since.

 

I thought I was doing well, looking ahead, booked trips for myself, etc but after horrid dreams last night, I have had an awful day, and just been reading about breaking up, Japanese style, i.e. pulling away and then simply ignoring. They see this as a more caring way of doing it, avoiding confrontation, protecting the other person's feelings, avoiding them losing face etc etc, but quite honestly it is the total opposite. I have good days, but then bad days like today which make me very anxious about how someone can just do that after three argument-free, happy years together.

 

See here for some info on this Japanese way of breaking up: link removed

 

My previous relationship was with a Japanese girl but there was communication when it ended. I just feel at a loss as to how I will ever be able to move on from this. I know people say closure is a myth and such, but this is really difficult to handle. Still in shock I guess...

 

Any advice would be much appreciated

 

Rich

[IAmFCA]

Your own closure comes this way: do you want to date someone who is so difficult to reach? No you don't. Now that you're not getting what you need, it's time for you to leave her.

[mhowe]

I don't know that it is cultural...it certainly is cowardly. And clearly if she can turn off and just stop communication than it is better to know that now than to invest another minute with her.

[goddess]

Japanese-style disappearing act or not, you need to pick yourself up off the ground and forget about her (sorry). She's made it clear that she is no longer interested in your relationship. Why? Who knows? I know it hurts; we've all experienced it at some point in our lives. You should do your best to distract yourself, not analyse the situation because it's over, and let time heal your emotional wounds.

[chickadeedee]

>>I have good days, but then bad days like today which make me very anxious about how someone can just do that after three argument-free, happy years together.

 

Honey, people break up all the time, and after far longer relationships than the one you had, and when there are marriages and kids and entangled finances, but they still break up if one person gets unhappy enough with the relationship. And you never married. So if you didn't put a ring on it after 3 years, odds are good that any relationship is going to peter out because most people make up their minds at that stage whether to take it into a marriage or move on if they don't feel it is working right for them.

 

This happens a lot regardless of culture. This board is full of people writing threads about a partner who just dropped them and ran with no explanation. So doesn't matter whether she's Japaneses or from Timbuktu, she's done! That is what you need to know. She thought about it and made a decision that relationship wasn't going anywhere she wanted to go, so she bailed out. She may have met someone new, or may have decided she wanted out for any number of reasons, but she made that decision to leave, and she left.

 

So don't waste a lot of time thinking you need closure. So she tells you she met someone new.. So what? She's still gone. Or she tells you she's gotten bored with you. So what?/ she's still gone. She made a really important decision in that if she was discontented, she could have expressed that and worked on it with you, but she de-valued the relationship to the point where she didn't even want to work on it, so she left.

 

So that is your closure. She decided she was no longer interested in being in a relationship with you, and she left. You can't change that, and she could meet and tell you that, but it's still over and your task is still letting go and moving on. So focus on the task, which is letting go, healing, and moving on. The task isn't trying to get her to talk to you or figure out why she left, becaues that won't bring her back if she doesn't want to be with you, which she doesn't by her actions showing you that. I'm really sorry, but your task is healing and letting go, not trying to get her to talk to you. You need to recognize that, and stop trying to cling to a person who has bolted and doesn't want to be with you.

[Traveler27]

I disagree with the majority of comments thus far, in that I think an end of a relationship with absolutely no indication from the other party as to why they suddenly and abruptly pulled away/disappeared can be incredibly hurtful and make the healing process increasingly difficult as it delays the natural grieving process since you are still (naturally) wondering what the hell happened. It is not unnatural to want to know why. I wouldn't call this "closure", but I wouldn't underestimate how important it is for the person left behind to want an explanation, anything so that they themselves can move on and stop dwelling on "why"? It is only natural for a person to feel even more confused and hurt when their partner pulls a disappearing act. I went through the same myself once, and it was one of the most painful breakups I have ever been through.

 

Eventually you will feel better, but not having answers does cause a further delay in the healing process. Sorry that you are experiencing this, and I wish you the best during this difficult time. And one final note, cultural or not, this is a very childish and heartless way to end a relationship with someone.

[chickadeedee]

Nobody is arguing that it doesn't add an extra load to the grieving process when someone promptly disappears. But it doesn't change what happened. So the focus needs to shift off of trying to contact a person who has abruptly dumped you or raking over every possible excuse or 'why', to thinking about yourself and your healing and moving on so you can find someone new who does want to be with you.

 

What speeds up the healing process is looking to the present and future rather than dwelling on the past. The sooner you focus on accepting it is over (regardless of the reason) and shift your focus and get new people and things in your life, the sooner you will be healed.

[Tinydance]

Hi Rich, I remember your previous post about this from a few weeks ago...So do you mean that after all this time she has not told you why she has pulled away? Have you tried to ask? I mean, sure, she may be doing it Japanese style, or just being a coward as people pointed out, but don't you think you deserve to know what's going on? Have you tried to be very firm and ask her to tell you?

[kbbcoop77]

The problem is she won't tell you anything you want to hear or anything to make you feel better or she will just flat out lie. I tried this closure talk a month or so after my wife split and believe me she had no problem telling me everything that was wrong with me...only for me to find out several months later she had been cheating for months with our daughters boyfriends father. Better to leave your past where it is and focus on you. You won't get "closure" from her, just more questions and probably more pain.

[rich46]

Thanks for all your replies...very therapeutic to read after another restless night.

Nobody is arguing that it doesn't add an extra load to the grieving process when someone promptly disappears. But it doesn't change what happened. So the focus needs to shift off of trying to contact a person who has abruptly dumped you or raking over every possible excuse or 'why', to thinking about yourself and your healing and moving on so you can find someone new who does want to be with you.

 

What speeds up the healing process is looking to the present and future rather than dwelling on the past. The sooner you focus on accepting it is over (regardless of the reason) and shift your focus and get new people and things in your life, the sooner you will be healed.

Thanks for your tough love responses. Stings a bit, but what you say makes total sense. I live in a foreign culture and a small town, so my support network is very limited, which adds another layer to this sudden break up. Not feeling sorry for myself, just saying that while kids/marriage isn't involved, that is not to say that it feels really tough. Thanks again though.

 

Tinydance

Hi Rich, I remember your previous post about this from a few weeks ago...So do you mean that after all this time she has not told you why she has pulled away? Have you tried to ask? I mean, sure, she may be doing it Japanese style, or just being a coward as people pointed out, but don't you think you deserve to know what's going on? Have you tried to be very firm and ask her to tell you?

 

Thanks for remembering! I called her once a few days after we hadn't had any contact, but no answer...not sure what else I can do as we live a couple of hours away. Yeah I could continue to call her until she relented, or turn up on her doorstep, but I want to maintain my dignity. I deleted her from facebook straight after, and there's been no contact since in two weeks. Powerless to do anything else. The way she paniced and fired off three successive texts when I asked for a chat initially suggests she was so eager not to give me reasons, and to me at least, suggests that she has met someone else and felt too guilty to talk about it.

 

To be honest, I don't think the real issue with my healing is searching for answers, and I have no urge to contact her...I am good at No Contact as I know it is essential. While we always said we were perfect for each other, never argued, etc etc right up until we last saw each other, I did sense that eventually we could run into problems due to a variety of reasons including differences in how we saw our futures (Japan vs Abroad, Kids vs No Kids, Marriage before living together vs Living together then marriage). May be she saw these as well, or met someone else, who knows. I think I am just shocked that it has happened so suddenly and apparently heartlessly. I've always known about this Japanese style break up (if indeed it is cultural) but because she spent years in France and England during her teenage years for her Dad's work, I thought her mindset was more western. May be my pride is hurting or something. I know I will be fine eventually, and trying to look to the future as much as I can.

 

Her Dad always jokingly told her to keep hold of me because of her "difficult personality" and "selfish ways" ...never really saw signs of it......until now!!

[chitown9]

 

Her Dad always jokingly told her to keep hold of me because of her "difficult personality" and "selfish ways" ...never really saw signs of it......until now!!

 

I think that this is your answer, Rich. chi

[Tinydance]

Wow, sorry but I kind of disagree with the posters who said, don't worry about the closure, if she's gone, she's gone, etc. I will respect if this kind of behaviour is indeed part of Japanese culture (but surely not from everyone...?), but in Western culture this behaviour is considered low, heartless, immature and cowardly. I think even if people date only for a few weeks or a few months and one person just literally disappears and totally ignores the other person, I think most people would still consider that gutless. And you have been with this woman for three years! Even breaking up by text message or E-mail is considered cowardly but in this case would definitely be a huge step up from the way she just ditched you and said nothing at all. I feel like the odd poster here but I'm just thinking, what the??!! And how can you not want closure after you were with someone for three years and you had strong feelings for her? Of course you want closure and not knowing what happened absolutely does make it more painful.

 

One time an ex of 2.5 months dumped me and just started avoiding me, then said "I have a reason for the break-up, but I'm not going to tell you". That bothered me immensely because when you have no idea why someone left you, it doesn't just go away. Even if they make up some BS reasons, at least you get to have a conversation and move on.

 

To me from everything you have said, your relationship doesn't really sound that close...If you were together for three years but only saw each other sometimes and neither of you moved to be with the other person more, just kind of sounds like maybe you both weren't sure where it was going exactly. Plus the way she has now treated you displays coldness and totally not caring about you in the slightest. BUT you say the Japanese do this to be kind, when in Western culture it's considered very cruel. Maybe even just the cultural differences alone meant you weren't really suited to each other....But you're right, if you contacted her a few times and she won't reply, there is nothing you can do.

[rich46]

I agree with all you say, and it is incredibly painful...thankfully got through the working day ok today but my heart is beating rapidly, which woke me up during the night. Up until yesterday I was doing well...I must have been in the denial stage or something. Now I seem to have entered the anxiety/bereavement stage.

 

Thing is though, after such cowardly behaviour, I feel like the one thing I can do to keep a tiny piece of power is to keep the No Contact going. I know that isn't the correct reason to do it, but I feel so helpless that holding onto NC is at least something. And in time I hope I can start looking forward instead of back.

 

Ive never been to a counselor before, but I think I might this weekend. The international centre in a big city near me offers free personal counselling, and I feel like I need to let it all out. I can speak to my family by telephone, but I am aware how much my Mum in particular hurts that I am so far away when I am feeling like this. I literally cannot wait to get back to England at the end of July for a couple of weeks. Just need to figure out how to survive and move forward until then.......

[rich46]

One other thing.

 

After she cancelled seeing me when I was last due to visit Tokyo, she seemed overly apologetic in her text messages. I had always said that if she was too tired after a six day week, with long Tokyo working hours, then I would be fine with her cancelling to have a relaxing Sunday. I never pressured her or acted clingy. But she was saying "so sorry for this weekend Rich and stuff like that, but I was just like "it is fine, your health is the most important." In hindsight, she was obviously apologising because she had made her decision to end the relationship and/or she had done something else that had made her feel very guilty. I also got texts a couple of days later after a busy day saying "I don't want to finish up in Tokyo, with all the stress and complaining...but for now I just need to be me" - again looking back, this seems like a strong hint that she had made her decision.

 

When it became clear that I was going to ask her about her distancing herself, she panicked and preferred to completely cut me out.

[chickadeedee]

>>>>I don't want to finish up in Tokyo, with all the stress and complaining...but for now I just need to be me"

 

Actually, it sounds like she did break up with you. Are you sure you just didn't 'hear' it? To me that sounds like she's breaking up with you... letting you know she is stressed and 'needs to be me' which is basically saying she wants to be on her own rather than in a relationship. Perhaps it was a language barrier thing where you didn't realize that was a breakup?