Help for when the ex is with another

[larthur1]

So I have been reading a lot of these type of threads recently and felt the need to help anyone going through this.

 

Whether it happened before you split, during or a matter of weeks later, sadly this seems to be one of the most common themes in a breakup. So much so that whenever I talk to someone who is going through a break up/broken up its the next question on my lips..is there someone else in the picture?

 

Its almost a dot on the cards, I'm never surprised even when its months later that this new person suddenly appears. It has happened to me, happened to close friends and I know how much it hurts. How much turmoil and doubt it gives you as to the worth of yourself, the integrity of your ex, the value of that relationship. The list of grief and hurt goes on and on.

 

It is my opinion that it is one of the most selfish things a person can do when there is someone else (outside of abuse) in the picture after the ending of a significant and meaningful relationship. Rather than deal with the pain, heal and grow with it as is healthy, the ex multiplies the pain and grief for you, eventually themselves and for the new person in the equation. It is utter foolishness and the act of a coward running from their fears.

 

But here is what you need to remember. It is not a reflection on you, what the relationship meant/was worth to you or that this new person is better. This is solely a reflection on you're ex's inability to deal with a crisis in a healthy and mature way, often because of some complex/insecurity within themselves. Now I am not saying you didn't have your role to play in the relationship getting to where it did, that's your burden to bare and reward to reap when you are ready.

 

There are plenty of positives and optimistic approaches to have when this happens to help with healing.

 

1) The biggest one is that your ex will learn nothing. It's no secret that when you have processed all the hurt, rubbish and other nonsense from a breakup you gain an incredible sense of self worth, experience, perspective and strength. Invaluable tools that will serve you for the rest of your life, I'm actually grateful to my ex for this in an odd way. Your ex will get none of those. Having jumped into something else the distraction stops them from suffering but also any real reflection and thus knowledge and ultimately gain. They will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, it is inevitable. Very, very, very silly.

 

2) Take ease knowing you could never have stopped it. It's one of those things that if it happened, it was going to happen at some point. Whether through immaturity, insecurity or some other issue your ex did it. And likely its the tip of the iceberg for a hard path of learning ahead for them. It also not the reason or them leaving. Ever. It is a completely separate issue to do with a weakness in themselves and nothing you could have stopped/helped with.

 

3) Its a free pass for you to take the moral high ground. As long as you don't act like an a$$, you're pretty much ahead of them. As much as it hurts and feels like a betrayal, the only people your ex is betraying is themselves and maybe the new person. Look at it like you become a version 2.0, its like you gravitate to a different plain of existence whilst they are still stuck in the past, with all the same issues only in a relationship with someone that isn't you and built on the foundations of distrust.

 

Try and forgive them, for yourself. Life is too short to hold anger and hate in your heart for someone who it turns out, wasn't worth it after all.

 

All the best.

[cavsguy]

Beautiful insight and post. Nothing in this world is more valuable than self-reflection and growth in the face of adversity. It is the cocoon which morphs the caterpillar into the butterfly and ultimately allows that person to find true happiness.

 

People that move on to new relationships after a long-term meaningful relationships are still caterpillars consuming everything and burning bridges. They have not reached their metaphorical cocoon yet (they may never reach that stage) and they are not capable of that true love. Insecurity is the killer of most relationships and you have to start feeling for the person they bounced to after the relationship. This person usually has no idea what this person is ike and could end up being a casualty of war in this ex's post-break up rampage.

 

Forgive and move on to the best of your ability. Life has a funny way of correcting itself and showing you what is meant to be, will be. You may have needed to go through this to learn the ultimate lesson about oneself and become the best you possible.

[Allipie]

SOOOO what I needed to read right now. I'm sitting here so upset and freaking out over the fact that he's going on dates with other women.

 

"But here is what you need to remember. It is not a reflection on you, what the relationship meant/was worth to you or that this new person is better. This is solely a reflection on you're ex's inability to deal with a crisis in a healthy and mature way, often because of some complex/insecurity within themselves."

This is very true. Rather than be supportive and help me when he knew I've been struggling, he just ran away. He once told me it was easier for him to cut and run because at this point in his life he can't have any more stress. Well there wouldn't be any stress if he had just TALKED about things with me! So he'll just keep doing the same thing over and over and hope that he finds someone who will just stay silent and put up with what he says/does.

 

It still hurts like hell though. I think about how good things were in the beginning, the things he said and did and how he's probably doing the same to these other women. I just keep telling myself that he acted like we were back together, got physical with me, and the next day told me he was keeping his dating profile in case i had another emotional breakdown. He was going to have sex with me (when he knows its not something i throw around like its nothing), pretend that we were together, and date other women behind my back. BUT, like you said, it probably was going to happen eventually and its better that I found out now rather later on when I was more emotionally attached.

 

 

I understand now why he has enough crazy exes to write a book. eeesh. lol

 

great post.

[larthur1]

Nothing in this world is more valuable than self-reflection and growth in the face of adversity. It is the cocoon which morphs the caterpillar into the butterfly and ultimately allows that person to find true happiness.

 

Wonderful metaphor. Growth in the face of adversity is a true strength and something for anyone to be proud of. Heroism is not just born on the battlefield.

[Clinton]

I'm sorry but it's simply not true that an ex moving on shortly after a relationship ends somehow makes them emotionally bankrupt or unable to deal with the breakup in a healthy way.

 

Dumpers have processed the emotions associated with the end of the relationship long before they dump you. In a lot of cases it's been over for them in a lot of ways for weeks or months before they pull the trigger and they've removed themselves emotionally from the relationship.

 

They are ready to pursue a new life when they leave while the dumpee isn't. They are happy and excited about the prospect of moving forward and getting on with their lives. It doesn't make them deficient somehow, it's just a very normal human response.

 

My ex is still with the guy she met 20 years later and is very happily married. I know a lot of couples that have had similar experiences.

 

Being angry and bitter and demonizing the ex at first is a normal reaction. But if you stay there it doesn't hurt anyone but you.

 

Forgive and move on.

[sky09]

Everyone has an opinion. Clinton has his position and followers, larthur his. There is no universal "truth," just whatever makes you feel better.

[mandeelove]

I needed to read this. I am going thru it. Its so true. Thanks

[miss_sunshine]

I respectfully disagree with this in some ways Clinton. Whilst I agree that you can't just say an ex is emotionally bankrupt and not very healthy as a blanket statement I think it can apply in some cases. And while true what you say about them emotionally distancing themselves and dealing with it before they dump you. Can that really be true if they are still sleeping next to you every night, making plans for the future and telling you they love you. To just one day pack up and leave when the day before you were committed to the person, how healthy is that? What sort of person are you if you can live that two-faced life where it is all about what you want and suddenly your partner of over a decade (in my case) just means nothing and off you go to live your life with someone new.

 

Also if you can go from a committed relationship where you lived together for 8 years and then just move in with someone else months later, I think that is pretty sad. Personally I think it is a lot healthier to take time for yourself, find yourself again, learn, grow and then find someone once the dust has settled. I also think you are quite emotionally bankrupt if you can just leave one situation and pick up another so soon. Clearly you never loved the first person very much if you can do that, so why go through the motions and drag them along for the ride? I think it takes a person who is quite selfish to just be able to hurt someone so badly, not care and just move on. I think that says a hell of a lot more about who the dumper is than the dumpee.

 

I would much rather be someone who feels pain, takes time for myself, learns who I am again outside a relationship, gets my emotions in check and then decides to move on. I am very glad I am not my ex who is a very, very good actor let me say. If I am ever a person who can just pack up and leave after so long and then I am in a position to just pick up and move on after 2 months and move in with someone new it will be a sad, sad day because it means I am pretty shallow and that I don't really form meaningful relationships if they can be dismissed so fast. Just my opinion.

[FirstIn]

Yes I agree with Babydoll. I never understood the person who quickly moves on (whether that be days, weeks, or a few months). If they were checking out before the breakup then why did they sleep next to you in the bed, have sex with you, say they love you and talk about the future. It demonstrates that they are lacking the ability to communicate effectively, understand themselves, problem solve.

 

My ex didn't wait too long before dating me from her last long term relationship (only a few months). I had just met her when she was in her old relationship. I was attracted to her but kept myself as an acquaintance. At the time I thought they just grew apart and barely saw each other for many months, you couldn't even tell she was in a relationship. But it wasn't until much later when we had been together for many many months that I realised their relationship was almost normal (i.e. see each other everyday) until the day she left. I was shocked at how she just left the guy. She could never even explain why it ended. Now we have broken up I saw her almost repeat the same exit with me. I've thankfully been NC, but a huge reason why is because I wouldn't be surprised if she had moved on to the next guy. She was a terrible communicator and just couldn't handle and negative issue or life hiccup. She would gladly just ignore her problems and move on to the next happy feeling. I don't think the next guy will be a rebound or anything. However, I know he will have to deal with a girl who will love him through the good times, but not the bad. Who has so many issues she can't deal with you having a bad day. I kind of feel sorry for him already.

 

So yes, people that just move on have issues. Maybe they have mentally checked out and are ready to move on. But in terms of a relationship partner they have issues.

[Clinton]

The thing is, once you are no longer a couple, you no longer have any obligation to your former partner. You don't live your life thinking, if I date this new person now, it's disrespectful to my former partner. People just don't work that way.

 

We always try and make out the ex to be the bad guy, but moving on quickly isn't a moral short coming and it doesn't indicate a character or psychological flaw. It's just someone ready for the next stage of their life. An awful lot of so called rebound relationships lead to long lasting, stable unions where the two people are very happy.

 

I'd say two people in a loving, long term relationship is an indication of mental health and just because their relationship started shortly after the last one ended is an indication of absolutely nothing. There is nothing abnormal about people that do this.

 

The people left behind(and this has happened twice to me in my life) are the ones with the issues. Bitterness, jealousy, unhappiness, that's the dumpees life in a lot if cases. It's normal, but you don't want to live that way too long.

 

Best thing you can do is accept that you and your ex just weren't a match and move on

 

I will add that I'm not talking about relationships where abuse or cheating took place.

[jennylove]

I'm not sure why people leave or start "looking" to leave their when passion slows down. Everyone says that the 2 year mark is when the passion dies and true colors begin to show, it's the time when sex slows down, etc. This is when ppl start shopping, start holding back from their current SO, etc. And then after about a yearish, boom, THE BREAKUP and then the dumper is sailing off with their GIGs/rebound. Don't they realize that it's best to work things out, communicate, spice up the bedroom, etc.

[miss_sunshine]

Yes, but they do owe you something because they are still in the relationship with you. How is it not a moral shortcoming when they are coming home to you every night, sleeping next to you, telling you they love you, going to house inspections with you and then one day it's all over and they move in with a girl mere months later from work who they have most probably already lined up or have been cheating on you with.

 

You are making it sound like an absolute when it can't be true. It is nothing to do with your ex how quickly you choose to move on. If you choose to move on in months and live with a new person months after leaving an 11 year relationship to me that is a poor decision for yourself. If you are able to just move on like that and do not need any time to process, establish who you are again outside a relationship, to learn and grow then I think you are a pretty shallow person. Someone who obviously does not have very deep feelings or you would need more time. And just because someone moves in to another relationship and it lasts 20 years does not mean it is a happy one anyway.

 

To me, if you can promise the world to someone, be a loving partner, say all the right things, plan for the future and then you can just up and leave and establish a new committed live in relationship with someone else months later then I think you are a pretty emotionally shallow person who can not be alone.

[Clinton]

People leave a relationship gradually over time. They may still care for you as a person but not as a partner. They may be trying to play along and hope things get better. They often don't come out and put a stop to things until their mind is totally made up.

 

I am unaware of any set limit about how much time you should be on your own after you leave a relationship. A week, a month, two, a year? It's different for everybody. There is no right or wrong, it's what you feel.

 

Dumpees, and its perfectly natural, like to play the victim. They like to make their ex into the bad guy. They assign all sorts of psychological ills to them. They take no responsibility for the part they played in the dissolution of the relationship. Because breaking up takes two, not one. In the vast majority of cases the dumpee had a role to play as well. They always say theres' your side, their side, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

 

The simplest explanation is usually the best. They fell out of love with you, moved on, and quickly found someone else. It doesn't make them the devil though, no matter how much we may want it to be so.

 

And I'm not saying my hypothesis is absolute. There are exceptions to every rule. But in the vast majority of cases, moving on quickly is simply an indication they processed their grief before the breakup and want to get on with their lives

[miss_sunshine]

I completely respect a persons right to leave if they are unhappy and yes of course there is no magical formula of time. Sometimes people try and try to get their partner to see the issues in the relationship and it falls on deaf ears and then by the time they leave they are well and truly over it. And yes of course the dumpee has a part to play, I am not making myself out to be a victim.

 

I am simply saying that what sort of person are you if one minute you are all loving and kind with a long-term partner, planning your future, being very committed and asking the same from then and then next minute you are in a different persons bed making the same promises. I am glad I am not a person who just uses someone up for everything I can take, chooses not to discuss my issues with them and just takes the easy way out by cheating on them and moving on. I am glad I am not someone who feels no sense of loyalty to someone I have been with for over 11 years, that my promises and words mean nothing and I can just easily transfer all those feelings over to another person. If that is just normal human behaviour and not a sign of being emotionally shallow, then I am glad I am not 'normal' as I would never want to be that type of person. Even if I chose to end a long-term relationship I would treat that person with respect and acknowledge everything they have done for me, not just tear them to shreds and leave them lying wounded on the ground and never look back.

[Clinton]

I feel for you. And there definitely are deceitful people in this world. It sucks to be led on.

 

But are you telling me if you had chosen to end a relationship because you'd fallen out of love with someone, and even good people can fall out of love with their partners, and the chance of love and happiness presented itself to you, that you'd turn it down out of respect for your former partner?

 

You're looking at this from the dumpees perspective, but as a dumper what would you do.

[larthur1]

As pro-discussion as I am, can I respectfully ask that the debate go elsewhere. This was meant as a helpful thread for people going through this. Not a debate to the rights and wrongs of what an ex does or doesn't do, feels or doesn't feel. I'm sorry your reaction was like it was Clinton and you missed the point of the thread...or maybe it wasn't clear?

 

I'm glad it at least reached some people.

[Clinton]

It's an open forum and if you put out an opinion people will debate it.

[miss_sunshine]

Sorry larthur1, debate closed. Appreciate the post And Clinton I respect your point of view as well

[Clinton]

Anytime babydoll2305. I enjoyed the discussion.

[larthur1]

It's an open forum and if you put out an opinion people will debate it.

 

Of course it is Clinton, maybe you can start a thread on peoples opinions on why an ex leaves and someone else is in the picture and how it makes the dumper and dumpee feel.

 

All the best with that.

[Clinton]

Of course it is Clinton, maybe you can start a thread on peoples opinions on why an ex leaves and someone else is in the picture and how it makes the dumper and dumpee feel.

 

All the best with that.

 

No, if someone wants to discuss it here, here is where I will discuss it. All the best to you as well.

[FirstIn]

I understand the point Clinton is making. The dumper has no obligation, the relationship is over. They have a right to be happy and there is no way to say that their next relationship won't work or isn't a healthy one.

 

I think what Babydoll is saying is that it's terrible when someone leaves without trying to work hard on things, and then seems to suddenly move on. Yes, they may have checked out, become distant and slowly have become ready to move to the next person. But it is kind of shallow to check out of a relationship emotionally while staying in it. These people also seem to monkey branch from one relationship to the next, never realising their flaws. Seeming also, to always be happy because they never take the time to be sad. I sometimes wonder how they rationalise it all. I guess us dumpees envy them!

 

Still the end result is the same. We get dumped, they move on (usually first). Best not to know anymore and focus on yourself. At the end of the day, if that person can leave you (perhaps blindsided and move on so quickly) it is not a person that deserves you. All that matters is they left. Sadly, they cease to be anything to us in the present tense anymore. Hopefully you and I will all get someone in our lives who would never leave.

[miss_sunshine]

Exactly what I meant FirstIn, very well said thank you!

[Clinton]

Last thing I'll say is that breakups are messy, heart wrenching affairs that are difficult, if not impossible things to pull of without hurting someone.

 

Whether you stay in the relationship too long trying or leave early you'll never satisfy the dumpee.

 

I think the vast majority of us don't want to hurt our ex but it's impossible to avoid. And once you're out of a relationship, life moves on.

 

I don't think it's that they didn't value our time together, it's that it ultimately didn't work for them and they simply moved on in order to try and be happy in their lives.

 

And i know for myself at least, I can see that now even if it took me years to get to this point.

[sky09]

Hopefully you and I will all get someone in our lives who would never leave.

 

People come and go in and out of our lives, you can't keep someone chained to you forever. Even in a marriage.

 

I cringe every time I see dumper/dumpee titles being thrown around like we (real people) are some sort of garbagers and garbagees...

 

..it's that it ultimately didn't work for them and they simply moved on in order to try and be happy in their lives.

 

Clinton, you seem to be too hung up on " dumpers' " happiness( I can see where you are coming from with the story of your ex's rebound lasting 20+ years). It sounds way too selfish when I read it. No relationship should be one-sided and depend on one person's "happiness" and feeling "in-love." Nobody owes anybody anything, especially a constant ability to keep another person "happy." Whatever that means.