I hate this!

[brokenshearz]

My fiancé is a pipeliner so is on the road a lot and while he was home I noticed on his phones browser when he went to search something where he's been on porn sites. I asked him about it and he said im on the road what do you expect. Well I'm very self conscious along with had very bad relationships in the past. I really hate that he's getting off to porn. He says he is attracted to me and tells me im sexy all the time but why can't he ask for me to send him stuff for doing it to? Why does it have to be to these women that never have and never will be able to compete with? Am I wrong for thinking this way? And should I ask him this?

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest while I do understand why you may feel insecure about this, I think you are kind of over reacting....I'm a woman and I like watching porn sometimes, even when I have a partner. I also like watching it together with my partner sometimes. Do you like porn at all? Have you tried watching it together when your partner is home and both getting turned on by it? To me personally watching porn is pretty separate from whether I find my partner sexually attractive or not and how good our relationship is. If I'm in the mood and my partner is not there, I might sometimes watch porn. Though if my partner is there I would just do something with them. I guess in your case, when you're not there he might sometimes watch porn. Also on a separate note, why do you check his phone? Is there any reason you don't trust him?

[brokenshearz]

I wasn't checking his phone I was sitting beside him when he was searching something and the last things he searched popped up. I trust him but like I said I've had bad relationships and they've caused me to have issues but he is completely understanding about anything I've ever had an issue with and is honest if I ask him something. And I have watched porn but since we've been together I haven't I just think about him I don't need porn since I have him. And I just don't get why he doesn't ask me to send him stuff it may not bother me as much then but it kind of makes me feel like I'm not good enough for that to him. Yes I know im being stupid but I have reasons for the way I think although I wish I didn't.

[appies]

Many men watch porn. It has nothing with you not being good enough. Its just so accessible and easy to access.

[lerenard]

You were treated badly, I can understand that. But don't blame your boyfriend, I am sure he did that before he even met you if this is his lifestyle and he is on the road often. If you have confidence problems - these are your to solve, he told you he finds you attractive and loves you, so believe him, he is doing that not to hurt you.

 

And I have watched porn but since we've been together I haven't I just think about him I don't need porn since I have him. Again, it was your choice to stop watching porn. He still does that, and it has nothing to do with you being not enough. Relax!

All the best to you, guys!

[wilyone 11]

I know so many women who get completely bent out of shape about this.

 

It makes them feel insecure, and they don't feel the need for porn so why should their partner?

 

Men are wired completely differently. They are very visual and crave sexual variety. You are not wired this way so you do not understand and instead you judge him. Some would say that porn actually helps men to stay monogamous.

 

As long as it's not an addiction and obssessive, it's harmless, normal and something you will need to just accept and stop focusing on. You will make yourself and him miserable if you let this bother you.

[Andrina]

If you think he looks at porn daily, you do have to be careful about choosing someone who does this. There are so many women who post on these boards whose bf or husband is addicted, and articles say it actually changes the neurons of a man's brain when addicted. It makes the porn a go to for getting turned on, instead of a real live woman. These women say he'd rather watch porn while she is starved for sex. I wouldn't marry him until you know this isn't the case.

[brokenshearz]

It's not everyday I know that and he still gives me plenty of attention I'm nowhere close to be starved for it other than the fact he's gone. I just don't get why he doesn't ask me to send him stuff why does he have to look at that.

[mhowe]

Because it is fantasy.

[brokenshearz]

Well why can't I be part of the fantasy? And the funny thing is Im the more sexual one in the relationship which is different because usually it's the man that is. I guess I'm weird wanting it to be me that he's thinking about

[mhowe]

You are reality. Fantasy is fantasy. It has nothing to do with you.

[relevart]

It's not everyday I know that and he still gives me plenty of attention I'm nowhere close to be starved for it other than the fact he's gone. I just don't get why he doesn't ask me to send him stuff why does he have to look at that.

Maybe he hasn't asked because he thinks you'd object and then that would be awkward. Next time he is away for work, send him something sexy of you if you want to.

[brokenshearz]

That's the thing I've tried doing that but he just says im sexy and that's it. I've told him I'd send stuff but he never really commented about it. I guess that's why I feel like I'm not good enough or sexy enough for that to him.

[itsallgrand]

Whenever I read stories like this, it makes me remember one of my first boyfriends and the time I flipped out on him over something like this. Totally honestly, I was a real fright.

 

I remember the hurt in his eyes, and how he frantically dug through his stash and showed me what he would look at when I wasn't around.

 

Amongst it was a whole lot of pictures of me. There was porn, oh yes. But the pictures of me?! Wasn't even a bunch of sexy ones. Some of them were just me - candid pics he had taken of me smiling, etc. And he told me why those were in there. My heart just sank.

 

I felt like such an and I 'got it' in that moment. And it hasn't been an issue for me since. He was willing to give in to my crazy demands, one of which was that he delete everything, and when he was saying he would - I realized I didn't want him to. I wanted him to feel free to watch whatever it was he wanted, to have pleasure, to feel safe enough with me to share all of him.

 

The insecurity about it, it's an issue of control. Trying to control this guy - right through to his mind. His private mind, feelings, sexuality.

 

It's horrible, when you think about it like that hmm? Because that is the exact opposite of what you REALLY want; which is to be special to this person, wanted, cherished.

 

That 'need' to control someone inside their heart and head kills intimacy. Kills it.

[relevart]

That's the thing I've tried doing that but he just says im sexy and that's it. I've told him I'd send stuff but he never really commented about it. I guess that's why I feel like I'm not good enough or sexy enough for that to him.

You're kinda being unfair to him. He tells you that you're sexy, but then you turn around and decide that he's lying to you. Ask him how he feels and then listen to him. Maybe he finds the conversation awkward when you bring up sending him sexy stuff. Maybe he feels uncomfortable knowing you know he looks at porn. Maybe he feels a certain amount of guilt. Maybe he's not totally sure if you really want to send him anything. If you're really meaning it, maybe he could take the pictures of you.

 

Or maybe you could let him have his porn while he's away from you. You could ask him what he likes and then look at it together one day. Or you could just drop it. Part of me thinks you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If he was looking at it instead of being with you when you two are together, I'd totally get it. If he's looking at it while he's far away from you, that's better than him being in bars looking for another woman.

[Lady Amalthea]

As long as it's not an obsession, I think it's completely normal he looks at porn, especially while away from you. He makes you feel attractive and your sex life is satisfying, I think you are being a little harsh on him.

 

Why won't he ask you to send him "stuff"? It's more convenient and much easier and accesible to just look at porn.

 

It has nothing to do with you and should not affect you so much.

[Tinydance]

Also I think if you do send him stuff and he says you're sexy, then I don't see why there is a problem. It's very normal for people to fantasise and I think as mhowe said, it most likely is just a fantasy. Me personally I do like to watch porn sometimes and to be honest I'm not even necessarily fantasising about those particular people, I just want to look at people having sex while I'm touching myself. I don't always even need to watch porn for that. What if your boyfriend only watches porn sometimes, even when he's away from you? Other times he may even think of you or look at YOUR pictures? Either way, as people said I think it has nothing to do with you at all. This might sound bad but when I watch porn I don't even think of them as "real people". I know they're real but the scenarios are so set up and fake that to me it's just something sexy to watch. Honestly from what you've said I think you don't really have anything to worry about.