Why I think ending on good terms is necessary

[Lustinlove]

I just learned a lesson about being mature and leaving things on good terms when it comes to a break up. My friend's ex from two years ago is newly single and she's been texting me (we've been friends) I mentioned we should all have a reunion hang out with my friend (her ex) and she's so against it. My friend would like to be her friend and misses her company but she's not even interested in that.

 

The way things finally ended between them was by him yelling at her when she was confused between him and her newest ex at the time. Instead of playing it cool and giving her space he told her never to contact him again, delete his number and leave him alone, essentially pushing her into the other guy's arms. He never apologized or anything as time went on but lived in regret and was too prideful to try saying sorry for his behavior. He basically left the door closed for any means of contact between them two and it shows that even time hasn't played in his favor by doing so.

 

It showed me being mature, accepting, and respecting a dumper's reason/s for ending things could yield better results of hearing from them again. It would allow them to feel safe and comfortable to reach out if they ever wanted to.

 

Would love some to hear some opinions on this

[alli]

Breakups are a difficult thing and it's hard for anyone to maintain their normal composure. How the death of a relationship feels could be paralleled to how it feels to lose a loved one for some people. You wouldn't expect someone who just lost a loved one to be their normal cool and composed self. That said, it is generally good if people can be as mature and respectful about the whole thing as they can. But I think they should do that on the principle of being mature and respectful, not as a means to regain connection with that person in the future.

 

My ex was very mature and respectful when I ended it. He even jump started my battery & refilled a low tire when I was moving out. I really do wish him the best, but I don't think I will ever be interested in attending a function if he is present.

[ParisPaulette]

I think that's a blanket statement that only applies if things like cheating and toxicity are not in the picture at to reasons for the breakup. It may be the case sometimes, but not always. My ex-husband and I ended things on civil terms and we've always been civil to each other, we have kids so yeah. Plus there was no toxicity. My last ex though was very toxic to me and vice versa and after giving him numerous chances even though he cheated on me, talked about other women constantly, and gaslighted me I finally had to get loud to get him to leave me alone. And he still doesn't, but there's no way I'm ever going to be civil to talk to him again. I tried being civil and that got me nowhere. Ignoring him and blocking and deleting him from my life did to a large degree although he still tries periodically to reach me from various means of as yet unblocked numbers.

 

Whatever.

 

There is no reason to be civil or friendly to him, none. I did try that and got ignored and even told "You'll come crawling back if I chase hard enough." So no, civility is wasted in such cases. Ditto abusive relationships and relationships with people cheating on you. While I'm all for not blowing up, it's a bit unrealistic to do play the whole "We should all just get along" card. We all know what happened to England when they tried that with Hitler, right? Same with some relationships.

 

In your friend's case I think it's a bit unreal to expect her ex to have been civil to her when it sounds like she was cheating on him or at least had one foot out the door waffling with another guy in the picture. Generally speaking, you don't do that if you're with someone, you wait until things are ended with one partner before starting something new with someone else IF you want things to end civilly. I personally think she should have apologized to him, not the other way around and that she was at fault for the way things ended. And I really doubt his being civil to her or giving her space would have done anything, but continued to encourage her to explore other men until such time as she got bored with it and wandered back to him. If she did. And typically when someone does that they don't stay anyways. I think she's full of hooey for claiming his blowing up at her caused her to run to another guy, she was already there and just used his refusal to stay a part of a very bleeped up triangle as an excuse for her own actions.

 

I don't see this as a lesson about why one should end things on good terms at all. It's fine if both parties are not mistreating each other, but I don't see that in what you describe.

[Lustinlove]

Very good points! I was merely referencing the normal breakups without toxicity and/or cheating but you make some good points for sure.

 

In the case of my friend and his ex, she had broken up with him and then started dating the new guy after, but as time went on she started to miss my friend so she left the new guy for him BUT the new guy wouldn't let up, he kept pursuing and it made her confused. My friend got annoyed, yelled, and said what he said.

[ThatwasThen]

Instead of regretting and wishing he could be in her life. He should just get on with his life without her in it. You don't need people that screw with your emotions in your life like this girl did and if he thought about it, he'd realize that he did the right thing by telling her that she couldn't play him like that.

 

I suspect that if you weren't her friend or you were not telling him about yours and her activities/interactions wanting to be in her life wouldn't be so enticing.

[Lustinlove]

Instead of regretting and wishing he could be in her life. He should just get on with his life without her in it. You don't need people that screw with your emotions in your life like this girl did and if he thought about it, he'd realize that he did the right thing by telling her that she couldn't play him like that.

 

I suspect that if you weren't her friend or you were not telling him about yours and her activities/interactions wanting to be in her life wouldn't be so enticing.

I agree but he occasionally brings it up as if he regrets his actions. Only today she texted to tell me about her breakup and that she's back in town. I've never kept in touch with her since her and my friend broke up.

[ParisPaulette]

In the case of my friend and his ex, she had broken up with him and then started dating the new guy after, but as time went on she started to miss my friend so she left the new guy for him BUT the new guy wouldn't let up, he kept pursuing and it made her confused. My friend got annoyed, yelled, and said what he said.

 

Okay, thanks for clarifying that. It helps, but I do understand he was still going to be frustrated and upset when they are getting back together and yet this other guy still had some influence. Sorry, she still had a part in it although yes of course, I can see where a cooler head might have prevailed on at least a more civil breakup. I still think the end result would have been the two of them breaking up. At any rate what's done is done, all your friend can do is learn from the experience the same way we all do and move ahead with his life.

 

The hard fact is breakups are just one of the roughest emotional fires a person ever has to pass through--right up there with the death of a loved one, losing a dream job, having to overcome a serious hardship etc. It's often hard to stay civil and be analytical and I'm not the poster child for that myself. With my ex-husband yes, and a few breakups were good in that regard because we both parted ways mutually. But yes, I have yelled and screamed and cried and incessantly called and in general made a fool of myself over love too.

 

It does bring up the good point my father told me a long time ago of not burning bridges and being nasty in the heat of the moment, because you never know where you'll end up shooting yourself in the foot down the road if someone you treated badly turns up in a position to have some power over something you want like a job, a friendship with someone etc. It can be a very small world sometimes.

 

So yeah, there is that.