Mandoro Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I've contemplated posting here for about a week and a half now. Ranging from "my issue isnt worth it" to "man I need to just get this out". Today, I decided to just give it a shot. I [26M] met an awesome girl at my workplace. I wont go in to details for how we started up, I am more going to go into details about how I am trying to deal with what I feel afterwards. This is where I need to lay out my thoughts, dont judge me on them, just help me see what is right. I don't believe her when she told me there is nothing wrong with me. She said that I am all these great things and she needed to end it because she wasn't completely over her ex and that some day I will make a woman happy. If it were true, she would not have left. I feel like if I am a truly great person in all aspects, then I am better than everyone and there is no reason to leave. It just doesnt make sense to me. I just want the truth with where I messed up so I can fix me. I am broken and I know it, I just cant see it. Again, dont judge, its just what goes through my mind. I also feel like an idiot because I feel like I am taking this harder than she is. I feel like if I were a truly smooth person, I would be able to just shrug this off and continue to be friends with her. I feel like a lesser person because I am not as laid back as I would like to be in this situation. I feel like if I could be more laid back we could still be friends, which was all I was actually trying to do before she came on to me. Maybe we can be friends in the future... I dont know...I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never know. I do really hate not knowing though. I feel like there is something to learn here and the person with the key wont tell me. On top of that, I do really miss her. Besides the whole ex thing, she is an amazing person all around. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 No being over an ex is a normal reason not to pursue another relationship. And sometimes it takes starting up with someone new to realize that the old feelings haven't been resolved. This girl did you a favor, whether you can see it now or not. She just isn't ready to be there for YOU. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Very common. My ex was not over his ex wife. There was nothing I could do. Please stop internalizing and accept what she's saying. Lastly, if you have feelings, you can't be friends. Why are you so hard on yourself??? Link to comment
Mandoro Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I feel like I am a relatively successful person in all arenas except when it comes to social life. I look at my friends and I see things I would like to be. One of my friends is very smooth and has many female friends, some of which he sleeps with. Girls are always trying to be his girlfriend. I see that and I am pissed at myself for not being that person. Maybe not that whole person, but the positive parts of it (smooth with women, etc.). Instead I am someone of not many friends and find it really difficult to meet and connect with new people. Can I change it? Sure, but I feel like part of it has to do with someone I have no control over (maybe a chemical imbalance of some kind?) and it is not as easy as going to the gym to lift weights to get stronger. In other words, its not as easy as saying "do A and you get B" and it is somewhat infuriating. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Where do you meet new people? Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Has it occurred to you that maybe she just didn't feel a connection/spark with you, and that it's not that something is "wrong" with you as a person? If chemistry wasn't required for people to date, then we could all just date anyone. It wouldn't matter. If you're finding it difficult to connect with people in general, that is something you can work on. You're right about it not being easy, but what worth having is? Maybe the situation with this woman has been a great wake-up call because you don't want to feel this way anymore. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 No, it's not as easy as "do A and get B" if B is a happy long term relationship (getting a date is more in the cards but it sounds like you want more than that). Comparing yourself is self-sabotaging. I felt that way about friends who made it look so easy to find someone - especially those who met their spouses in grad school -it really did look like "do A (go to grad school) and get B (choose a classmate and easily fall in love/happily ever after). I know I had to be the right person to find the right person because I was getting in my own way. Part of it is luck and timing -no doubt about it. It's not fair but that's reality. Work on the part of it you can control - where and how you meet people, your body language, your appearance (i.e. looking healthy and fit). And by work I mean get down to nitty gritty specifics. I treated it like a part time job at time -I responded to on line dating profiles, I went to singles events, I went to professional events, I told everyone I knew that I was looking to meet people. Etc. If you do feel you have a chemical imbalance that can be evaluated as well. As far as the woman who does not want to date you - I agree it is not about you and she was trying to let you down easy because she probably did not feel a spark. And that's ok. Link to comment
Mandoro Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 We dated for a short period (about 4 months) and I feel like we definitely had a spark. She told me I was a great person, with an awesome personality, who is cute and funny, and that I was an amazing lover. I was cool with dating, all I want is to spend time with someone I find attractive and fun. I had that and now I dont. When we had our last discussion she talked about how her ex has been changing in the areas he was faulty in. She said how she wished she had met me before her ex and how she had wished we had taken it slower. Maybe easy isnt the right word. Maybe what I mean to say is the path isnt as clear. I lift weights and I get stronger, I run and my endurance increases, I get my certifications and I get promotions, I meet an awesome person who I share a mutual connection with, and I fail. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Change your lense ---- you didn't fail. She said you were a great person. What changed was her life situation...and that is something you have no control over. Link to comment
1a1a Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Sparks can be totally one-sided. Or they can be mutual, and then fade for one person while the other is still going strong, or the interest a person has in you, can be drowned out by the more intense interest they have in someone else. As you say, there is no magic combination to attract and keep someone. Strive to be kind, and get out there and be a person who does things and meets people to increase your chances of meeting other people with whom you will share that spark. Link to comment
Mandoro Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I do go out an do things, but when I go out I do so to enjoy the thing I go out to do. So lets say I go to a concert. I go to listen to the music and if it is metal, I mosh. I don't really go and meet other people or strike up conversations. My mind isnt in that mode. With that being said, some of the things I do are male-dominated or are solo things. Like working out, I do so by myself. My sports leagues are also male-dominated. Im joining a co-ed basketball league, so we will see how this goes. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 If your mind isn't in that mode you can't expect other people's minds to be in a "let's meet this interesting guy"-mode. Link to comment
Mandoro Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 You arent wrong and nor do I expect them to be. Meeting people for me is weird and seems to be caused by happenstance Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You arent wrong and nor do I expect them to be. Meeting people for me is weird and seems to be caused by happenstance I wanted to get married so I needed to be proactive and figure out a way to incorporate it into my life naturally. Link to comment
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