Missklk Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Hi i have been with my partner for 4years we have a 2year old together and we have had some relationship issues no initmacy ,hardly speaking, we both agreed it had felt like we wernt in a relationship together this had been going on for months.. well the other issue was a new guy started at my work who took a liking to me. We got on so well made me laugh and was so easy to talk to which i never got from home, so without me wanting to i grew some feelings towards him and i told my partner as i like to be honest and he flipped as expected, i felt like i had to much to lose ..having a home and child together i put my feengs to one side and have told my partner he can trust me and my feelings i had towards him was because of how bad things were at home.. and there was a guy who paid me attention.. im now leaving my job and would like to stay in contact with my friends at work i told my bf tonight i would like to meet up as friends with this guy for a coffee he went crazy.. telling me im not allowed boy mates that he doesnt trust me and shoved me out of the room.. what isnt ok is that when we got together he was very close to his GIRL mate that he once wanted to be with and things had happened between them he used to go round hers alot.. and he told me that he wasnt going to stop seeing her , he was doing what hes now telling me i cant do.. how is this fare?? Ive always told him i get along with guys more and i dont have alot of friends and people who i get along with and enjoy his company its a NO !!! SORRY FOR THE RANT!! i dont think i want to be with my patner anymore Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It isn't fair. If you're not willing to tolerate this situation, you're not wrong to leave your partner. However, if the situation were reversed right now, and your partner wanted to meet up with someone they admittedly had feelings for...how would you feel? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It's not a question of being fair, he's knows that you're not meeting this guy for coffee as a "friend," as well as knowing you have an attraction towards this other guy. Rather than test driving other men while you're already in a relationship, why not try to resolve your issues? If that's not an option, it's time to either walk away or find a solution, but you can't have it both ways. You have a daughter to raise and lead by example, which should be your first priority. Link to comment
Missklk Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 i have imagined how i would feel and i hate the thought but then i have been in the situation when i got with him and he spent all the time with his mate .. i could tell there were feelings towards her still there and it made me feel uncomfortable but i never once said he isnt allowed girl mates .. he told me before that his ex gf had a problem with him spending time with this girl and he didnt care how she felt he still spent time with her ... x Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Is that still the case now? Or has that changed since the beginning of the relationship? Link to comment
Missklk Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 i enjoy his company there is no longer feelings towards him.. we do generally get on really well.. he had a problem with the last guy who worked there also making comments .. even if thers hadnt been any attraction and i told him i was meeting up with a guy mate for a coffee he wouldnt let me.. my daughter is my priotity .. but i just want to have my friends also Link to comment
Missklk Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 he stopped seen her a year into our relationship because me and her had a fall out but the times we have seen her about he cant take his eyes off her.. x Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 No, no.....I mean does your partner still insist that he will see this girl regardless of your feelings, or has that changed since you've grown closer? If he hasn't changed his views on that, I'd be bringing that up with him. I don't deal with double standards. Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 he stopped seen her a year into our relationship because me and her had a fall out but the times we have seen her about he cant take his eyes off her.. x If he's stopped seeing her, I think you owe him the same courtesy. Link to comment
Missklk Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Yeh i guess youre right Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 i told my bf tonight i would like to meet up as friends with this guy for a coffee he went crazy.. You set this up by telling him about your interest in the guy in the first place. So you plant a bomb, then you ignite it, and then you're surprised that it goes off? Stop manipulating, and deal directly with your BF and your issues at home. Negotiate for what you want from him. Ask specifically and clearly for behaviors or favors that are important to you, and offer him a behavior or favor that's of value to him in return. You can do the same in reverse if there's something he typically says or does that you want him to stop. Instead of being accusatory, which comes off like a parent and positions him to rebel, ask instead for him to come up with a behavior of yours that he'd like to you stop. Let him think about it for a while, and once he names it, don't defend it. Instead, offer to pay him 10 bucks on the spot every time you do it, in exchange for him giving you 10 buck on the spot every time he does the thing you name. Point is, if you're going to play games--especially involving other people--you'll just get burned and feel lousy, and you won't get anywhere but a messy, ugly breakup. If you want to break up, put a smart plan in place and do it. Otherwise, work on your relationship. Be direct and negotiate for whatever you want but are not getting. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 It sounds like you have issues at home that you need to spend your time dealing with rather than going out for coffee with guys you are attracted to. You need to either throw your efforts into fixing your relationship so that you are happy in it and not interested in other men, or you need to recognize the relationship is not working and end it so you can date other men. Regarding thinking you should be able to go for coffee with men you are attracted to while in a relationship, the answer is no. You're in a relationship so you shouldn't be 'dating' men on the side. And a marriage counselor would tell you if you are really attracted to someone (or have been at one time) and they are a source of friction in your relationship, then you need to drop them entirely. You don't want to be 'mates' with this guy, you want the attention and stimulation and possibly to explore whether that relationship might go somewhere, and your BF is aware of that, just as you were aware that he had an attraction to that girl he eventually dropped. So focus on fixing your relationship and don't 'date' other guys on the side. The world is full of people to be friends with, and you need to choose people who are no threat at all to your relationship as friends. This guy shouldn't be a friend because of your attraction to him and the conflict he has already caused in your relationship by developing feelings for him and telling your BF about it. Link to comment
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