Drifting Apart From Friends

[Eno34]

Hey everyone. I've been on this site for quite a while for now, but have only decided to make an account and talk about my issues today. So, I sincerely hope you all reading this could give me some advice on how to react.

 

Recently, I have been drifting apart from my group of four friends, five including me. We have known each other for three years and all share the same hobby, so getting along wasn't a big problem, but as life would have it, drama have started to occur between us these few months. I have always been a quiet, introverted girl since young, so social interactions was a pain to me. This is the first time I have ever had a group of such good friends, so I was insecure about this whole friendship thing, as it was still 'new' to me. Also, a little about myself: I try to avoid making close friends with people because I hate small talk. I feel like I can't trust people, because everyone is being 'fake', and a recent incident of another classmate smooching up my friend (one of my group's) only made me more convinced of the fact.

 

A lot happened between us so I couldn't explain it all, but we almost suffered a close call of our friendship breaking apart when friend A got mad at us, for not one, but various reasons. You could say A was the fiery, straightforward type. That was when things started to get complicated between us. Friend A even threatened to break ties with us if we ever did the same mistakes again. Another friend, B, also said those same words in our group chat, when we were planning for another trip together. Me and the other two were so angry at them, but still endured it and kept smiling. A also said to me once that she dislikes being with us and it makes her irritated. The others didn't say anything, but I could tell they were tired as well.

 

Since then, I started having the feeling that although the five of us are together laughing, there's still a visible wall that separates us. I feel really awkward as well for that, sometimes trying to cut our conversations short or escaping to a bookstore when we go out. Or maybe it's because I'm too sensitive. Or a combination of stupid reasons, maybe. Because if I didn't enjoy being their friend, I really should've just said so from the start instead of trying to play along with them. I also feel like I have been left out when they talk, sometimes.

 

But then again, I don't really know how to explain this awkwardness I feel. I mean, I love them as my friends, and they really are good friends to me, but I'm just...tired. All the pressure of studies and social problems are just too much. The only friend in the group that I can feel 'earnest' and 'connected' with is also the one I barely have the chance to talk with, since she was always surrounded by the others (I always walk at the back). And to be honest, it's really frustrating that I couldn't be alone with her and pour my heart out. I just seem to unconsciously try to get out of the outings they planned, and the thoughts of 'I shouldn't get so close to them' kept echoing in my head. 'I'm an outsider' also kept popping into my head, whether I liked it or not.

 

I really don't know what to do...This is like a phase where I wish to stay away from them for a while and sort out my thoughts. I'm just too quiet around them, and it's making the one who I can really feel connected with me worrying about it. But the more she stared at me while I stayed silent during their conversations, it only made me want to stray away even further.

 

Sorry if this was too long, it's really bothering me for a while now..So, can anyone relate? I know it's not the worse situation for friends but...What on earth is wrong with me?

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like you are trying to separate your social anxiety/shyness issues from the issues these people have. It might help you to think about things that have happened in terms of what you could control (your stuff) and things that were outside your control (their stuff). For example, how did your response to the drama you witnessed contribute to your discomfort with the situation? What would you do differently next time?

 

Nothing is wrong with you; you simply don't like these people. Nothing wrong with that. You won't like and want to befriend everyone you meet. You gave it a shot with them and have discovered they are not your tribe. It happens.

 

Possible to call up the one from the group you do like, and ask her to hang one-on-one sometime?

[catfeeder]

I'd contact the one I like most to see more of her on the side, and I'd consider the others to be acquaintances with whom I share the school experience--and nothing more.

 

This will liberate you to socialize with them freely while in their company, even while you start cultivating other friends outside of this circle.

 

I do this with friends at work. I don't want anybody's personal dramas to impose on my work life, so I see them for daily walks around the building, in the locker room before and after our exercise classes, and occasional lunches. Every now and then we schedule an outing, but I keep things light and don't involve myself in any gossip.

 

So none of this needs to be black or white--think of it in terms of a 1 through 10 scale where you remain a neutral 5 with those you don't know well, and allow them to show you over time whether you move toward trust in increments--or away from it.

 

Head high, and congrats on taking some brave social risks. Friendships can be worth it, and when they are not, just plunk them into your acquaintance category and play 'stupid and cheerful' to avoid deeper involvement.

[Eno34]

Thanks for the advice, SpottiOtti. I had thought through your words and the 'Nothing is wrong with you; you simply don't like these people.' struck me hard. Originally, after reading your post I was going to deny it myself, but after I sat down, starting to think hard, a part of me realized that maybe I DO don't like them. As mentioned in my post, I love them as my friends, and they really are good friends to me, but right now, I am having seconds thoughts about it. So I guess this is where the hard part comes. Getting through myself.

 

Do I really don't like them, and should let this three years long friendship go? Because I was always been the person who wouldn't force herself to talk to people I dislike. This discovery is a surprise, shock even, but I think I'm going to keep calm and think over our relationship. As for that friend, however, I think the situation could get ugly if I only stayed close with her...So I will just keep my distance for now.

 

I think I could finally start to take actions regarding this matter, thanks again for replying to me!

[Eno34]

Thanks for the post catfeeder, your words really made my brain have a good work-out!

 

I'd love to try, but I think the whole situation could get ugly if I only stayed close with her...So I plan to just keep my distance for now, but is still pondering over whether this is the right choice or not. Sharing school experience only, and nothing more, huh?

 

Somehow, I think considering the others to be acquaintances with whom I share the school experience only would be a challenge, but let's see how it goes. Hopefully this can liberate me in socializing with them freely, because I also couldn't stand myself for being so quiet either lol.

 

That's right, I don't like anybody's personal dramas to get me involved, and personally I couldn't care less either. This is probably why some people see me as cold, uncaring. So, after thinking, I think I'm gonna treat them like as you said, a 1 through 10 scale where you remain a neutral 5. I guess I will continue to stay with them, and watch. Everything happens within a matter of time after all.

 

When the signs of having to let go this friendship occurs, then I will be taking the risk. Now it's the time to see if my friendship with this circle of friends are worth it or not. Thanks for your post again, it helped a lot!

[catfeeder]

Do I really don't like them, and should let this three years long friendship go? Because I was always been the person who wouldn't force herself to talk to people I dislike. This discovery is a surprise, shock even, but I think I'm going to keep calm and think over our relationship.

 

This is all or nothing thinking, and it's putting more pressure on yourself than is necessary.

 

We can care about, even love, people who's behavior we dislike and want to distance ourselves from. We have more options available than either 1) sucking it up to keep dealing with them intensely, or 2) dropping them altogether.

 

We can 'modify' our relationships to reflect our current feelings toward them. This is how we can honor both them and ourselves--we acknowledge our own feelings as valid, and we reduce our participation with them, even while we remain kind.

 

This means you don't need to suffer constant exposure AND you don't need to create enemies.

 

One way of modifying without causing insult is to find an interest or activity to block off some time for. Nobody can fault you for reaching beyond them to pursue your own self development, and this gives you a convenient excuse for pulling away from the circle for periods of time. Then you can increase the amount of time you spend away from them in increments rather than shutting them down completely.

 

If you do this with a cheerful demeanor as though it's No Big Deal, then they will either accept your reduced participation gracefully--or not. And if not, then there's a red flag that screams immaturity--and you'll want to pull yourself away from that kind of jealousy and pettiness straight away. That stuff is toxic, and it's not a healthy place to remain.

 

Healthy people will encourage you to seek your own interests and goals. Those are the friends you'll want to keep.