Trying to be a friend with roommate

[Savannian27]

I know it's usually hard to bridge the gap between choosing to being friends and being roommates, but I definitely feel some light is needed in my situation.

 

So I met this girl while out with a bunch of people I hadn't met, and thought she was a pretty outgoing and fun person, I still think she is to this day. She was living at home with her parents at the time, and so was I, definitely in need of moving out and getting away from that. We met up for drinks a few times, talked about guys we were dating and so forth, all seemed good.

 

Then we talked about moving in together. We were both set on this one place, but then she came back saying she wasn't sure she was ready. I said no big deal, and moved on. But then, she came back a few months later and asked again to move in with me. I said yes, so we signed a lease in November.

 

So now, being 4 months in, here's what I've come to realize about her.

 

1.) Still very attached to mom & dad. Going home and meeting up with them whenever they call. Mom still has GPS tracker on her phone even though she's almost 30. Should be paying for her own phone by now, but nope mom & dad still pay for the phone.

 

2.) I have mentioned going out to have a girls night at this cute martini bar I know in town. First time tried she took someone else there. Second time I go there and text her to meetup, she's with her parents. Third time was we had plans to go out Friday night, but then she doesn't hear from me to get confirmation, so what does she do, set up a date to go out with someone.

 

3.) This past weekend I was gone to move my boyfriend into his new place, and I was the last to take out the trash. Friday I leave and theirs so trash to be taken out which I figure she can handle, along with the pan she used to cook with the ore night - also she said she'd take care of, but didn't. I come home from the weekend, and trash has piled up, and dishes are left in the sink. The dishwasher was empty.

 

I've already talked to her about the trash thing, which I took out tonight, but her excuse was that she knows she has taken out the trash plenty of times, and when I asked her when was the last time you did take it out, she couldn't answer. So she just left it thinking it wasn't her responsibility to do it, but me I'm able to just take it without a moments thought.

 

I really do think she's a good person, but I need some help here because my frustration is really starting to bubble. Please help.

[indea08]

You're both adults. Stop tallying chores. If YOU see the trash is full, take it out. If YOU see the dishes need done, do them. And same for her. You don't need to police each other. When the lease is up, if you don't want to continue living with her, don't. But you can't MAKE her do chores. So to save your sanity while you're living together, quit keeping track.

[1a1a]

Or have a house meeting and make a roster. Getting along well with housemates is a gift when it happens, but going into share housing with a friend is a pretty good way to kill the friendship.

 

Also feeling like she is not reciprocating your efforts to forge a friendship with her and you should dial it back to just housemates for now (and possibly dial it back even further to not housemates anymore as you don't sound like a good match).

[Savannian27]

Okay, thank you for the advice, very valuable.

 

I've got a bad feeling in my stomach now that she just really is not interested in being friends.

 

Last night she only came out of her room to talk to me about the gas bill, and tonight she isn't here.

Tonight is our cooking night for each other. We trade off each week, and tonight was her night. I

Sent a text, and she hasn't answered.

 

I think I'm right when I say she's not interested in being friends, or am I just overthinking this too much?

[1a1a]

When all your interactions with your room mate are negative or just about the daily humdrum of cohabitation, that will truly kill off the friendship dead, just like any relationship. She certainly doesn't seem to be investing any time or energy into sharing positive experiences with you. Just not high on her priorities I say abandon this friendship and channel your energy elsewhere.

 

Aside from being a sucky friend, is she a good roommate?

[Savannian27]

When all your interactions with your room mate are negative or just about the daily humdrum of cohabitation, that will truly kill off the friendship dead, just like any relationship. She certainly doesn't seem to be investing any time or energy into sharing positive experiences with you. Just not high on her priorities I say abandon this friendship and channel your energy elsewhere.

 

Aside from being a sucky friend, is she a good roommate?

 

Again good advice thank you, I think it's wise to disconnect and focus my energy elsewhere as you say.

 

To answer your question, she's a decent roommate but I honestly think it's just been so long for her since she last moved out from her parents that it's more like she's a part-time roommate....spending her weekends at parents and occasionally spending the night.

 

I guess you could say my real disappointment about all of this is that you know moving out is meant to be a time to break away from your parents, a chance to be free and independent from them, but from what I'm seeing she is oblivious to that notion.

[mhowe]

Moving out for you was a time to break with your parents...which is fine.

 

It is also fine that she doesn't want to break with hers.

[Savannian27]

Thanks. Things are much better now that we've had time and distance from each other.

 

I can see now that it's better to just accept things as they are, and be content with it. I am now, thanks to all of your guys' advice and opinions, and the knowledge that I can just go out for a drink and dinner with her and be okay that that is what we do.

 

And it's her deal to break from her parents or not to, I can see that now, so thank you.

 

Thank you all for your help