anxietygem Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Hi everyone, I've looked on this forum many of times but never actually put a post on till now........ To start with some basics first im 30 years old and I went though a horrible break up and relationship with my ex 2 and a half years ago which finally ended when he physically attacked me. At the same time as all of this my dad was diagnosed with leaukemia at the time my life felt it had been turned upside down. I am now over my ex but yes hes left a scar inside me, sometimes things in life do. Last year I was told my Dad had a month to live and it was then life hit me hard I was depressed my anxiety was through the roof and to be quite honest it was an awful place to be I went off work for nearly 6 months and returned at the beginning of January I know im not back to being 100% yet but im better than what I was and my dad the fighter he is got through it and is still with us thank god. Any way im very fussy I know what I want and dont want from my next relationship I met someone only 6 weeks ago I fell hard and fast and so did he I feel ridiculous for even saying this. He told me he loved me for the first time after only two weeks. He would tell me he wanted to be my future husband and for me to be the mother of his kids in the future. It was all a bit crazy to be honest but at the same time it felt so right and I was very happy well it did for 5 weeks........until I started to see signs of him becoming complacent already, txts were briefer phone calls were rare I still seen him but things had changed as if we had already had the honey moon period and it was over already........ I spoke to him about it and his response was nothing had changed but I couldnt snap out of it because I knew they had, he reassured me but I still felt the same, then found out he had been to see his ex at where she worked which I want comfortable with but I didnt see her as a threat she cheated on him twice and they split up over a year ago. Last week was the worst I had a big fall out with my best friend who I am supposed to be bridesmaid for in the dominican in 6 weeks and my anxiety levels were through the roof which wasnt helping with me feeling my partner was being complacent so soon. The nail in the coffin was last thursday we ended up in a text argument over the same issues then that night a girl he used to see and still sees most days through his job wrote on his facebook wall that they were going to snowdonia together to do a mountain walk she couldnt wait and added 10 kisses not one but 10........... this was the first I had heard of it and it didnt go down very well. Anyway the day after I woke up to the break up message he ended it and hes cut me off very coldley he says hes had enough etc and we are no longer speaking. I know I was only in a 6 week relationship butto be honest its really hurt me I feel to blame and im really beating myself up about it all and find it hard thats he cut me off so bluntly with not a word from him after the things he had said to me on how he felt about me. With everything that has gone on in my life recently I just feel so down and hurt my stomach is in knots my anxiety is through the roof ive lost my best friend and a man I could see being for the long term in the space of a week.............. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 If someone tells you they love you after tow weeks...it isn't true. That isn't love. It is infatuation, or a crush. Anything that starts that fast tend to end just as quickly. And after 6 weeks ---- he isn't a partner. He is the guy you were dating. You seem to be a person who feels very deeply. Have you thought about seeing a therapist --- to deal with the anxiety issues that keep cropping up in your life? Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I did some cbt sessions when I was with my ex partner which didnt really seem to help if im being honest. I am back on the waiting list to go and back to cbt and do this again. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Agree with mhowe that something that burns that fierce and fast is not real. True lasting love takes a really long time to develop. Initially it's just lust. If you can look at this more objectively, his passion burned out fast and you sensed it. The rest was just you sensing that the initial hot rush is over and there is no real foundation under it, which left you worrying and anxious and acting accordingly. There is no reason to blame yourself, because it was never meant to last. You simple fell for the words and promises and a pretty picture he painted for you, which was essentially nothing more than a fantasy. The lesson to take away from all this is stay far away from men trying to sweep you off your feet so fast - it will rarely end well for you precisely because it's just a lot of empty words without any real foundation. Also, it makes you vulnerable to con men, manipulators, cheaters and abusers, who all prey on women who will easily fall for quick passionate words and promises and flowery language about a future and marriage and kids and so on. It would be a really good idea for you to examine carefully what went down here and how so you know to avoid that like the plague going forward so you don't end up with someone who can really damage you as opposed to just break up with you. As for cbt, this time around stick with it. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work for anyone to change around their behaviors and perceptions. It's a long process, but worth the work. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Agree with the other posters about relationships that move fast. My experience is that guys like this discard you very quickly once they've got their 'rush'. In reality you're still vulnerable and looking for love and approval. This is absolutely natural, so it's no wonder you were caught up in the thrall of this guy. But you can see how superficial he is and how he's always had someone else on the side, in case you didn't work out. Don't blame yourself - these type of people are really good at what they do, and at making you feel they are the one. Chalk it up to experience. He's a player and you got caught in his web. It's not hard to do when we're vulnerable and it all feels so romantic. Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Thank you so much for your replies. Why did he feed me all that rubbish though? It's babbled me and the worst thing is I was single for so long and loved my own company and for someone to be in my life for such a short time to have such an Impact I miss him and feel upset and unhappy when im home knowing I don't have him coming round etc. Im not enjoying the things I used to enjoy when I come home and im actually dreading my first weekend without him around. It's ridiculous he was in my life 2 months I was single before him for over two years and very happy in my own company even if I did want a relationship. I think the rejection hurts the most to be honest. Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Plus I had seen messages he had sent to friends etc telling them exactly how he felt for me etc changed his facebook status to in a relationship etc and he was the one to push for that. But in the same note he left me bluntly because I strongly felt he was turning complacent and the other situations I mebtioned x Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He fed you the rubbish because for a moment he believed it as well. I know it sounds strange, but they do. It's just that when you do the smallest thing that bursts the bubble of perfection they put you in, or the 'rush' of feelings they had for you wanes, they switch. The light goes off, and you're history. That's their pattern. Try not to analyze it too much, because it's not logical. Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thank you Gollum that makes sense to me. No one is perfect I just dont dont like this feeling of ''not being good enough'' that he has left with me. It hurts hes the first person ive met in over two years that I could actually see myself being with. Im proud that im keeping to the no contact we havent spoke for 4 days now and I know I wont be hearing off him again even though his words were ''maybe we could give this another go in a couple of months when your more emotionaly stable'' which i fopund insulting to be honest. Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 5 days no contact really miss him to be honest but I won't break the contact rule. Feel mixed between rejected for the other woman or if that's not the case im still blaming myself for the reason it went no further Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Good for you for keeping to no contact. I would strongly encourage you to refrain from dating for a while since you are healing from an abusive relationship. Wish you the best in therapy. Link to comment
anxietygem Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 This is ridiculous im on day 8 of no contact and I feel terrible, pankikey, hurt how can I feel all this after such a short space of time with someone I feel quite pathetic im 30 years old so annoyed with myself Link to comment
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