I don't know where the relationship is going (ptsd/anxiety)

[Hugwolf]

I need to vent a little. I don't know if anyone can offer advice on this...

 

The other night while talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attacks she has been having in the middle of the night when sleeping with me, she said "I don't know where the relationship is going." I think she fears for what will happen in the future. She doesn't know if she'll have to move for her career, if I will hurt her like her past relationships, or if she will hurt me. She is riddled with anxiety over both me and school and her affection towards me has been in the pits.

 

We've been together for close to six month. Things were going very well up until this past month when the anxiety set in. At about the same time I noticed her changing, school was becoming much more stressful and time consuming for her, she started taking prozac, and she had been very emotional with me the week before-- she was very affectionate, brought up babies, settling down, marriage, etc. The day after the baby talk she apologized for being so emotional and said she didn't want to scare me off by moving too fast and I responded that I liked thinking about a future with her. Since these changes she has been MUCH less affectionate. She's canceled almost all dates and turned me down for new ones (though we still spend some time together at our homes each week). She either tells me she can't pull herself together to go out or that she'll be no fun and ruin a good time.

 

She thinks she has PTSD but is undiagnosed. Her fiance nine years ago became a meth addict and committed suicide after destroying their relationship. Also, her most recent LTR ex of three years was really abusive, psychologically and physically, and I know that memories of these things have been intrusive recently. She's told me I am the first normal person she has dated and feels weird when people call me her boyfriend or say we are in a relationship because these things have been so awful for her in the past (although she labels me/us that way now).

 

The first 5 months were great, very loving, and affectionate so it's hard to hear her tell me that she wouldn't blame me if I decided to leave her, that she may do it for me soon if I don't because I deserve better. I'm really confused and worn out and don't know what I can do, if anything.

[Andrina]

If she is still carrying around baggage from past relationships, then she is not ready to be in any romantic relationship. Since she's on prozac, I'm assuming she goes to a psychiatrist, and who knows if that will eventually help or not. Basically, although you care for her, if she's not being a good girlfriend by canceling dates, then you can't be some martyr who will stick by her when you're not happy, just because she's a broken soul. Broken souls have to be their own champions, and do whatever it takes to get themselves to a good state mentally.

 

I would be honest. Tell her that you want her in your life, but she needs to stop the negative talk because it's bringing you down. Tell her that you want a girlfriend who does not constantly break dates for no good reason. Ask her if she can make an effort to be a good partner to her, just as you are to her. If she cannot, and goes from one extreme to the other--great one day, absent and wishy washy the next, then it's time to end things. I'm assuming your long term goal is to find a good partner in life, and you should have must haves and deal breakers to select her. It's one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life. Besides your heart, you have to use your brain as well. Good luck.

[BMP2CPM]

Hello......wake up! Look at the facts man.

 

1) The man who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with had major addiction issues and mental health issues. This is the type of guy she's willing to do anything for. You're not that guy.

2) Her ex was physically and mentally abusive to her.

3 She has major issues from her childhood and is comfortable around guys who are abusive with addictive personalities, who may even have a mental illness. Her relationship with her father is what got her where she is today. Until she faces her childhood, she can't be a good girlfriend for any man.

4) You're in White Knight, Captain-Save-A-......mode here. You need to look at yourself and your childhood and figure out why you are so willing to give all your valuable, scarce resources to someone who is beyond damaged goods.

5) The anxiety seems normal for someone who may have grown up with a father who was abusive and had an addictive personality.

 

You have a lot of reflection to do yourself. You didn't just accidentally ended up with her. You're attracted to all her issues. You need to look at your childhood and your relationship with your mother, sooner rather than later. Otherwise, you'll keep going for the same type of relationships.

 

Best of luck!

[Hugwolf]

Thanks for the responses.

 

@BMP2CPM:

 

You're absolutely right it was no accident I ended up with her. Things were amazing until recently when the anxiety set in and I was very happy. Stories she told me of her past (until recently) were sad but really no worse than anything me or anyone else I know has been through so they were not red flags. I can't help that I already have feelings for the girl. That's why I'm "willing to give it my all." Obviously I'm frustrated though which is why I'm venting. I know there is nothing I can do to fix her. Something needs to change or I'll be out of steam soon and need to move on, which is sad.

 

You can't assume a man's relationship problems are due to his mother and childhood. Likewise, you can't assume a girl's relationship anxieties are due to her father. My bet is on the fact that her ex would wake up in a rage screaming and choke her. You're making a lot of assumptions.

 

But anyway, yes, she has been reflecting on her past choices in men and has joked that she thought this would be different because I picked her rather than her picking me. I guess it is different.

 

@Andrina:

 

Thanks for your comments. I realize it can't continue like this and that it's not fair to me at all. Even she knows it. Talking about it realistically with her and then moving on is probably best. Thanks.