24 days of no contact, she texted me. "I need to talk to you."

[mhowe]

I'm sorry --- but she clearly does understand.

 

She just doesn't like it. And so, like a 4 year old who has been told they cannot have something (your attention), she is pretending you never said it.

 

Why --- because it doesn't suit HER needs. She does not care how it affects you.

 

It is not mean to leave her hanging in the wind. In fact, she said it was up to you. Opt for silence.

[neverknowwhy]

How would it be possible after all that she did? It's not. I really think you're hoping for someone to send you a different answer than what mostly EVERYONE has been telling you. Maybe not but that's what it looks like.

 

What I meant by that was this: A relationship with her would only be possible if so many things changed/didn't already happen. But they did, and what's done is done. That's why I said, a relationship with her isn't possible.

[chamachama]

You post above between the lines reads like this: "I want her to realize how much she hurt me and because of that I can't be in her life. And I want her to take it back and grovel in a way that makes it ok for me to be in her life again..." There is no other way to see that. For every action there is a reaction. You are hoping your forcing her to understand, has a specific reaction..

 

It doesn't matter if she understands. Most likely she never will understand. You can't manipulate her back into loving you like a boyfriend by making her feel bad for what she said.

 

And she ignored you and tossed you to the curb for another man. And not she wants you to be her emotional crutch now. She is selfish and contacts you without regard for you at all. "I must talk to you". Really? That was pretty freaking selfish and callous. Again, she is thinking about her needs (you as her doormat) not yours....

[neverknowwhy]

I'm sorry --- but she clearly does understand.

 

She just doesn't like it. And so, like a 4 year old who has been told they cannot have something (your attention), she is pretending you never said it.

 

Why --- because it doesn't suit HER needs. She does not care how it affects you.

 

It is not mean to leave her hanging in the wind. In fact, she said it was up to you. Opt for silence.

 

I know you're right. Believe me.

 

Just ignoring her though, despite everything she's said and done, doesn't sit well with me.

 

Odds are that if I checked her instagram, there'd be posts with this new guy. She's probably still with me. So why am I even thinking about this?

[mhowe]

Think of it this way:

 

She threw dog crap in your face (her words/actions, etc) at break up.

 

You told her ---- I will not be friends with someone who treats me this way.

 

She goes silent.

 

Now, she just called up and asked if she can throw more crap in your face.

 

Do you feel the need to say: "I have already told you and you need to understand that throwing crap in my face is very mean and it hurts my feelings".

 

Or ----- do you just not answer her and walk away?

[neverknowwhy]

Think of it this way:

 

She threw dog crap in your face (her words/actions, etc) at break up.

 

You told her ---- I will not be friends with someone who treats me this way.

 

She goes silent.

 

Now, she just called up and asked if she can throw more crap in your face.

 

Do you feel the need to say: "I have already told you and you need to understand that throwing crap in my face is very mean and it hurts my feelings".

 

Or ----- do you just not answer her and walk away?

 

Reading that made me laugh so hard so thanks for that.

 

And your last part, Or ----- do you just not answer her and walk away? resonates with me. It still seems sh*tty and not all what I planned on doing. But that's probably for the best.

[dmjord]

You'll feel more s**tty if you keep the communication open.

[AintEasy]

Whatever you do please do not answer. Even if you wanted to get back with her I still wouldn't answer. She is finally feeling what it is like to truly not have you in her life. Let her keep feeling it. Enjoy the satisfaction that she even remotely regretted her decision and keep moving forward. I don't think you should give a damn about what she says to you until it is a "I'm so sorry breaking up with you was the worst mistake."

 

Keep moving forward bud.

[neverknowwhy]

Thank you for this. This is exactly what I needed to read.

 

Her needing to talk to me, though, was for her to tell what she needed to. Or maybe it was a way to get me back to be there for her. Again, you're probably right and what I think of this and hoped for isn't reality.

[mhowe]

Reading that made me laugh so hard so thanks for that.

 

And your last part, Or ----- do you just not answer her and walk away? resonates with me. It still seems sh*tty and not all what I planned on doing.

 

Then you shall have your wish.

Answer her and let her throw dog crap on your face.

 

It is sh***ty --- on you. She will not care, except that she hasn't gotten her way. But she does get to fling poo, and that makes her happy.

[neverknowwhy]

Then you shall have your wish.

Answer her and let her throw dog crap on your face.

 

It is sh***ty --- on you. She will not care, except that she hasn't gotten her way. But she does get to fling poo, and that makes her happy.

 

I edited that after you quoted me. I added that it's probably for the best that I don't respond, no matter how hard it may be. Thank you for your help.

 

It's hard for me to realize these things because I've never been through this before, that's why I reach out to you all.

[mhowe]

Well --- I made you see reason and laugh all at the same time!

 

My job here is done!~

 

Good luck. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and I am sure you will find her (hint: your ex is not her)

[DepthOfField]

I think we need someone to re-iterate that "clown behind the door" analogy that gets tossed around here a lot ...

[mhowe]

I edited that after you quoted me. I added that it's probably for the best that I don't respond, no matter how hard it may be. Thank you for your help.

 

It's hard for me to realize these things because I've never been through this before, that's why I reach out to you all.

 

Most of us have been there.

 

I had an ex cheat on me --- so we broke up and went NC. He kept up with the other woman. A year later, I ran into him and he told me that I had walked out on the relationship. When I pointed out he had cheated his response was "well, we could have worked it out...". SMH

[neverknowwhy]

I think we need someone to re-iterate that "clown behind the door" analogy that gets tossed around here a lot ...

 

I'm familiar with it. Chamachama posted it in one my other threads. Stop looking for something that's only going to hurt me. He's right.

 

And mhowe, sorry that happened and thanks for sharing it.

[mhowe]

I'm familiar with it. Chamachama posted it in one my other threads. Stop looking for something that's only going to hurt me. He's right.

 

And mhowe, sorry that happened and thanks for sharing it.

 

I actually was able to laugh at that point. But I did waste a lot of years on that relationship. And now I can recoup my losses by sharing my wisdom.

Cause I don't need it anymore....

[IAmFCA]

Am currently leaving an ex's text wholly unanswered. That story doesn't parallel yours, except that he is satisfying HIS need to contact me; he has no regard for what's best for me. It feels odd and a bit sideways. More than that, it feels good. A bit like cleaning out a closet and watching all that old stuff get picked up by the garbage/recycling/donation truck. Maybe close the door isn't the right way to think of it, maybe it is: let the garbage stay at the curb. Now that you've brought it out to the curb, no need to bring it back inside again.

[neverknowwhy]

Am currently leaving an ex's text wholly unanswered. That story doesn't parallel yours, except that he is satisfying HIS need to contact me; he has no regard for what's best for me. It feels odd and a bit sideways. More than that, it feels good. A bit like cleaning out a closet and watching all that old stuff get picked up by the garbage/recycling/donation truck. Maybe close the door isn't the right way to think of it, maybe it is: let the garbage stay at the curb. Now that you've brought it out to the curb, no need to bring it back inside again.

 

I don't know your situation, but it certainly doesn't make me feel good by not responding, even if it's the best option. But thanks for the analogy.

 

I've thought about just saying one last thing. Something along the lines of, "Thank you for reaching out and sharing that with me but it's probably for the best that we don't talk for a while. I hope you understand." But what keeps me from doing that is the thought of her dating that guy and sharing it on instagram. She probably knew I'd see it.

 

She left me in the wind all this time, and now she wants me back. Maybe not me, but my attention. It's hard to think that's what it's about. But I am glad I responded, and I am glad she responded as well.

 

edit: I'm actually curious as to what you guys think of me sending that.

[DepthOfField]

"Thank you for reaching out and sharing that with me but it's probably for the best that we don't talk for a while. I hope you understand."

 

Perfect. 100%.

 

Send that. Move on with your life and put this to rest.

[chamachama]

Idk, I'm always a huge fan of "please don't contact me anymore." "For a while" leaves the door open. She might try her poo flinging in a couple of weeks again just as you're starting to heal from this round of contact. Or maybe even go with "Please don't contact me anymore. I will reach out if I feel like enough time has passed. Please respect my wishes."

 

You're thinking of her too much man. Think about YOU. Not her. She is irrelevant in your life now. She is NOT your girlfriend. She is/was with another man and its obvious that's bothering you because you keep mentioning it. Dude, you are no where near healed. And she is making things worse. And she doesn't give a frogs fatty about how you feel, obviously.

[TimeToLetHerGo]

Hope this video can enlight your way out of this dark tunnel:

 

link removed

 

 

Cheers man

[sky09]

 

I learned a long time ago --- when someone says "I'm sorry"....to ask "for what". 9/10 it was....because you are upset/angry. Not for the action that caused it.

 

Prophetic. I was given the "sorry how it all ended" line a few months back. When asked in person "for what?" she couldn't say.

[neverknowwhy]

So guys, a lot has happened in the past 3 days. The days I needed your help the most (and of course I couldn't get it because of the website being down.)

 

This is going to take some time to get it all out and I'm really emotional right now, but here goes.

 

She called me two times two days ago at 2 a.m. I would have answered, but I was sleeping. This whole no contact period, all it would have taken was a phone call and I would have answered.

 

But I was sleeping. She texted me, “Answer now. Assh*le I love you I hate you stop letting me go.”

 

That whole day, she was the only thing I thought about. I typed out a response on my phone to send to her three separate times, but I never sent it. It made me feel so sh*tty to ignore her but I didn’t respond.

 

The next morning, she woke up expecting a response and she didn’t get one. She said, “Oh right. You’re going to ignore me.” I replied immediately and told her if she wanted to talk on the phone, we could. She said okay and we made plans to talk late at night.

 

Later in the evening, about 3 hours before we talked, she asked me if I loved her. I didn’t answer and just said I’d call her in a bit. She didn’t like that. I won't repeat what was said.

 

But the time came and we talked on the phone for an hour.

 

She asked me how long it’s been since we talked. She thought it was months.

She asked me how I’ve been, if I was talking to anyone, how my family was.

She asked me if I looked at her instagram at all. I told her once and then never again and that she should know why.

 

She told me about the guy she dated. How he was the one who wanted to rush in the relationship when she thought it was going to be a friendship. They ended it a while ago. Too many differences between them. I knew that from the start.

 

I asked her why she’s contacting me and why she wants me in her life. I told her I’m not going to be her friend and she said she didn’t want that either. She wanted more than that. She told me how she missed me and when she said those things that day, it was a way to try and hurt me and make me fight back for her. I told her that didn’t make sense and I took everything she said to heart. She understood why I felt sad and didn’t talk to her this whole time.

 

But she had to go so we stopped talking.

 

I think she wants to get back to where we were, but I didn’t get a chance to tell her that I don’t think that can happen. Even if I decided somehow to overcome and forget what she’s done, she lives 1200 miles away and it would never work.

 

I didn’t get to tell her that.

 

I’m sure you guys will tell me that what happened and how I’ve handled these recent turn of events was a mistake and I should have stayed no contact. Because honestly, I feel like I’m back to square one, the way I felt the first two weeks.

 

But I asked myself, if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with my decision to ignore her and never talk to her again? And that answer was no.

[kbbcoop77]

Don't feel bad breaking NC. We all did it / do it, it's difficult when someone who was so close has to be ignored to heal. I have broken NC a lot in the year since my breakup of 24 years. Sometimes those convos help solidify that it's really truly over and help me refocus, although yes i always feel like crap for awhile afterwards. You don't go all the way back to square one though, it's usually just a dip and you recover. I do soooo much better with zero contact though. We hadn't talked in 3 weeks and yeaterday she shot me a text about our daughters doctors appt. on Monday. Well our 18 year old daughter lives with me not her, so she's not "keeping me in the loop" like she says...I'm in the loop, she's the one who's out and chose that situation. Earlier I would've responded but instead I ignored and deleted. It gets easier as time rolls on. I don't want to hear from her or her "hope your doing well take care" BS messages like she ended yesterday's text. I just don't care how she hopes I'm doing. Personally I'm doing fine there are huge advantages to being single that I'm just starting to enjoy. One being I don't have to deal with her entire family anymore and all their nonsense. The big one is all her money problems and overdraft charges and blah blah every month. I live for me now, and of course our daughter but she's 18 and working and she'll have her own life's experiences soon enough. Anyway take care, don't let her feed you her stupid breadcrumbs.

[Denguin]

Just thought I'd point out how annoying being "needy" is. Funnily enough she is in that spot where she's facing rejection now, and she's doing the exact same things. I don't think what you did was necessarily a "mistake". I think there must be a certain level of satisfaction gained since she has come crawling back to you. That said, I do think it would be a grave mistake to give it a second go with her.

 

Anyway... Were we not 100% correct in saying that her other fling didn't quite pan out, and that's why she came crawling back? In fact, I'm not surprised one bit that she's blaming it on the other guy. Of course it's his fault... This girl can do no wrong, right? She thinks she's an absolute angel. She definitely wasn't the one posting pictures on instagram about how happy they were with each other, right? It was ALLLLL him. You now know your place was really 'plan b' all along. Even now, she's undoubtedly using you to still boost her ego. Do yourself a favour and don't let her walk all over you.

 

You were right to take everything she said to heart. She meant every word of it. When she was breaking up with you, it sounds like she became very emotionally detached. Sometimes dumpers unconsciously do this as a way to protect their own feelings. She had zero filter... Calling you "boring" amongst other things... How on earth is that supposed to make you feel? Words hurt, and they can't be taken back.

 

I think you're still in love with her. And that's absolutely fine... There's no need to deny it or lie about it to her either. But as you said to us, you've recognized numerous things about this girl that, in hindsight, made your relationship toxic. Add that to what's happened between you in the past little while, and I think you'll just end up more hurt in the long run. There's no overcoming the things that have transpired between you two. I KNOW that deep down you realize this.

 

This isn't a ticket to ignore her and never talk to her again. It's a ticket to have a fresh start. Say you need more time and you're still trying to take in what has happened between them. In the short term, you need to move on from her, because there's no way you can make a self-respecting decision in the state you're in. Perhaps once you're in a better place you can be friends or more with her again. My guess is that once your senses kick in, you'll wonder why you wanted her back so badly in the first place.