neverknowwhy

It's about time I face the music and accept the reality of what is and what isn't. You're over me and I'm not over you. You are most likely with someone new and that means that I will never hear from you again. I will not reach out to you. It's the way it has to be, but it's not what I ever wanted. I wish I could go back and see where I went wrong, but I'll never know. You thought I was selfish and possessive. It's because of all the things that you've done that I let go. I could never trust you. What kind of relationship is that? It's honestly for the best that you and I are no more even though I still am not over you. It's getting a little ridiculous. One minute I think fondly of you and am just heartbroken that you are not in my life anymore. The next minute I remind myself of what you said and what type of person you actually are. That's why I post here. To get out my thoughts so I can just move on with my day and avoid contacting you. I remembered something today. A few days before you ended things, you told me on the phone how you wished I was there with you. Then suddenly things changed and you tossed me. Why was that? It was because of that new guy. You wanted to be with someone else, someone that you could actually date. Someone who wasn't 1000 miles away. Maybe I'm just saying that to hide the truth that I wasn't the right person for you. But you are not the right person for me. It's a sad joke how much I think of you.

Today is one of the hardest days I've experienced regarding you. I got a new phone today and restored what I had from a previous back up. And there it was, your texts starting from 4 days after you ended what we had. You told me you were sorry. I read through all of your texts again from the week we last talked. I shouldn't have. I'm so sad now. A lot of what you said didn't make sense and it was obvious it was going to end again. I didn't see it until now though. You thought I was selfish but never explained why. If you told me I would have understood. I have to stop thinking of you. I've resisted the urge to talk to you and check up on you because it would only slow me down in getting over you. If you never contacted me that day saying you needed to talk, I would be over you. But I broke my promise to myself and I responded. But that's in the past and there is no use dwelling on what I can't change. I'm working on making my dreams come true. I am close to a new job and am going to save everything I have to move to New York and become the person I want to be. Maybe yours and my path will cross again. Maybe I'll forget about you soon. Time will tell. F*ck.

I wish I could take back the week we started talking again. It wasn’t going to be how it used to be, I think I knew that. But I did things and acted in a way that I told myself I’d never do. I acted needy and unsure of myself. I didn’t want to lose you again. You hurt me so much that morning when you just dumped your thoughts on me. Telling me that you are not drawn me and that you don’t envy me and that we don’t belong. Why’d you have to say those things? I knew you’d hurt me again. And that’s why I acted in a way which just pushed you further away. Probably away forever. You haven’t reached out to me. Not even a drunk text. Did you block me or delete my number? That really is for the best. Just let me get over you. There is no point in us talking anymore. You were the first and only person I ever cared for. And you're the only person who's hurt me. I don’t know why but I just wish that you and I actually had been together before you ended it. No distance between us. You never really got to see the side of me that I wish you had. But you ruined your chance at experiencing that. I learned that you are not the person I thought you were. I learned how hurtful you can be and how you truly felt. I still haven’t checked up on you and I have no plans to. I don’t want to think of the FACT that you’re most definitely with someone else. Whatever. Have a nice life.

I'm having one of those days again. A day where you're always on my mind. I lay in bed and try to fall asleep but I think of you. I talk to friends and when the conversation ends I think of you. I go the gym and see a girl who reminds of you and I wish you were her. Why is it taking me so long to forget you and get over you? I deleted your texts. I don't look at your Instagram. I don't look at your pictures. I don't watch your videos. You're likely having the time of your life. Going out most nights, meeting new guys, having your fun. Do you ever think of me? If so, what do you think about? Do you miss what we had? Or do you think of me in a bad light now? Most likely you're completely over me. It's hard for me to say that. I want you to know that I only think of the good times we shared and the good in you. I miss you too much to be mad anymore.

What I loved about you How you made me feel The way you looked Your voice Your laugh Your talkative nature Your desire to keep the conversation going Your genuine interest in me Our conversations You What bothered me about you What you said to me that morning Your lack of respect toward me Your insatiable desire for male attention How far away you were from me (not your fault) Your choice to be without me My faults Falling for you so quickly Being needy at times Looking at your social media Disrespecting myself to keep you from leaving Not taking our relationship slower Not letting you go when I should have

I didn't sleep last night. I laid in bed wide awake and I thought of you. How we were and how we're no more. It's been 30 days now. 30 days since either of us have said anything to one another. It feels longer than that. Almost like it's been a year. I don't like it. I don't want to message you because if I did I fear you wouldn't respond and it would make me feel worse than I already do. I never thought you wouldn't be a part of my life. And you thought the same. Remember when you said you didn't want me not to part of your daily life? I do. I have it saved on my phone. I have about 60 things you've said to me saved on my phone. I wanted to show you them too but I never did. I remember everything about you and everything we've ever talked about. But why do I get the feeling that you're completely over me this time? You likely have some guy or multiple guys that give you the attention you so desperately need, but do they make you feel how I made you feel? I think it's unlikely. Remember that first night we talked? How unbelievably amazing it was. I think you fell in love with me that night. I fell in love with you that night. It truly was my favorite conversation I've ever had with anyone. I think of it often and wish I could spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Anyway, I'm not over you. Not by a long shot. I think it's because you're the first girl I ever cared about and shared myself with. Only you truly know who I am. You know more about me than my closest friends. You said I was your best friend and the most important thing to you. Now we're nothing. My friend wants to go to New York with me this summer. Maybe some time in July. You and I both have birthdays in July. I just realized yours is two weeks after mine. My friend wants to go out every night to bars and clubs. You know I don't enjoy going out but wouldn't it be something if I saw you one of those nights. You'd see what you threw away. What you gave up. What you could live without. I want to reach out to you and find out how you've been but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't set myself up for more disappointment. It really is for the best that we don't talk. A lot has happened between us, more good than bad. But I don't think we're possible anymore. I need to get over you, sooner rather than later. A lot is not going well in my life and it just brings me back to you and us. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with you. Now I'm relearning how to be alone.

I'm not sure why but when I think of you I only remember the good times we shared. I don't think about what you said to me that day or how you acted the last days we spoke. Instead, I remember how amazing the first night we spoke was. I remember what we talked about in the days and weeks following that and how truly amazing it was. I hope I find that again sometime soon. Because not having that and not having you, the you I thought you were, is hard to bear. It's almost been a month since either of us have said a word to each other. The longest we've ever gone with no contact. Truth be told, I am surprised you haven't reached out. But odds are you're with someone. Some new guy or that same guy you dated after you ended it with me. That still doesn't sit well with me, but we're no longer together. Nothing is stopping you from seeing other people. I just know you won't find someone like me. Or at least I hope you don't. What I miss the most is talking with you. We used to talk for hours every day. You said you wanted to start talking again but going out and getting drunk was more important to you than talking with me. So we never talked and it ended again. This time I feel like it's actually over. I listen to the radio often when I'm driving. That Ed Sheeran song gets played often but I always change it. Remember that video you sent me of you singing that while you were driving? How that song reminded you of me? And days later when we fought you said that song made you sad? Well it makes me sad too because it's the only way I connect to you anymore. I haven't looked at your instagram since we've last spoke. The last time I looked you had pictures with that guy and another picture with another guy at a bar. Not sure what's going on there but it's none of my business. I don't look at the pictures I have of you or watch the videos you sent me. I can't do that to myself. You're still the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning. And then whenever I listen to music and Taylor Swift comes on I think of you. You look like her, you know? I don't think you'll ever contact me again. Not even on my birthday in a few months. I hope someday soon I can get over you. I hope someday soon I find someone like you. The you I loved.

Why do I miss you so much?

How could you be so cold? As the winter wind when it breeze yo Just remember that you talkin' to me though You need to watch the way you talkin' to me though I mean after all the things that we've been through I mean after all the things we got into Yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me Yo, I did some things but that's the old me Now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me So you walk around like you don't know me You got a new friend, I got homies In the end it's still so lonely In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul To a woman so heartless How could you be so heartless? How could you be so heartless? How could be so Dr. Evil? You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know I decided we weren't goin' speak so Why we up 3 a.m. on the phone? Why does she be so mad at me for? Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold I won't stop, won't mess my groove up 'Cause I already know how this thing go You run and tell your friends you're leavin' me They say that they don't see what you see in me You wait a couple months and you gonna see You'll never find nobody better than me

You're on my mind all day long and I have no idea why. I hate to say it, but you're not a good person and you were right, we don't belong. You're insecure, attention-seeking, and insincere. I wouldn't be surprised if you cheated on me. I'd actually be more surprised if you didn't. You moved on from me in 6 days. You went on a date with some guy 6 days after we end and decide to share it with everyone by posting it on your instagram. You still had the nerve to text me that day too. And why? Because that's how you're going to get over me? Instead of dealing with the sadness and the reality that I, someone who actually really cared for you and liked you for who you were, am no longer with you. You didn't appreciate me. Did you post those pictures of you holding hands with him on Valentine's Day because you knew I'd see it? Or do you genuinely like this guy? Sounds to me like a rebound and that you're too scared to be alone. It still hurts that you're no longer in my life. More than likely, I'll never hear from you or see you again. That's probably for the best, but it's not what I ever wanted. But I am working on moving on, and I will find someone who appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.

It’s been two weeks since our falling out. Two weeks since I've said a word to you. 7 days since you’ve said anything to me. It feels longer than that. Talking with you used to fill my day. Now I have nothing to look forward to. According to you, we don’t belong. I’ll never know why we couldn’t work out. I looked at your instagram four days ago. There were a few pictures of you with some new guys. I don’t want to know if you’re dating one of them. You looked sad though. In three of your pictures, I could tell. It’s in your eyes. I’m sad too, but I’m working on moving on. That’s the last time I’m looking though. I promise. Seeing your beautiful face and smile is too much to bear. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. We were going to see each other that day, remember? Did you find a job yet? How’s acting classes? How are you? I don’t know anymore.