mhowe Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Four days after is --- "I am sorry for hurting you". Not for breaking up with you. Please don't give this another chance. And if you decide that you want to be friends (though I expect my friends to treat me with respect), then you can decide that down the road. I think telling her anything is just allowing yourself to look like you aren't moving on. Don't answer it. Block her number. If months or years down the road, you can deal with her being with other guys, and hearing about it or seeing it --- then you can contact her. I learned a long time ago --- when someone says "I'm sorry"....to ask "for what". 9/10 it was....because you are upset/angry. Not for the action that caused it. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 2) She was "just speaking her mind." That's when you tell me you're not drawn to me, you don't envy my personality, and we don't belong. Now you want me back? Why? She was in a bad mood this day and the day before and she was on her period. I don't know if that counts for anything. Ok she was being vague and not at all clear with her intentions. But after reading the above (holy cow man...she is one cold as ice b**ch for saying that to you. Sorry just saying), I think she want's her doormat back like I said before. She want's you to be there as her pal while she's getting to know other men. Or at least that's what it seems. She lost control of you and she wants some of that back. But the only way to find out for sure is to ask her exactly what she meant. Straight up. Ask her "Just to be clear, you want me as your friend now?" If she says yes then you have your answer. At that point, you guessed it...tell her "No thank you. Please have respect for me by not contacting me anymore. Thank you." No need to be rude. Just straight and to the point with minimal as possible further contact. Also, you have no idea what she has been up to. Don't rationalize or assume anything. Chances are she has been intimate with another guy. Maybe not him, or maybe it was him. But I wouldn't count on her being celibate after such a long stint with you. You haven't been either remember?... Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 But I wouldn't count on her being celibate after such a long stint with you. You haven't been either remember?... What's that supposed to mean? But to your other points, I am going to ask her to clarify. When she responds, I'll have my answer, and I might say what I've been planning. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 What's that supposed to mean? But to your other points, I am going to ask her to clarify. When she responds, I'll have my answer, and I might say what I've been planning. Wait sorry I think I got you mixed up with someone else on here who went ahead and had revenge sex lol. That wasn't you. Sorry! And what are you planning on saying? Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Wait sorry I think I got you mixed up with someone else on here who went ahead and had revenge sex lol. That wasn't you. Sorry! And what are you planning on saying? First I'm going to ask her to clarify what she meant yesterday. I'm still working on what I want to say, and I have a general idea. I don't think I'm going to mention her moving on to the other guy or anything, but I will mention that what she said the day it ended and why it affected me. Maybe. Still thinking this through. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Obviously you are planning on angling her. Because her involvement with other men is no longer your business. And you are looking for her to discuss the breakup with you. If she says she is sorry, then what? You're going to be her friend now? What do you hope to accomplish with this "talk" that she is asking you for? She is getting exactly what she wanted from you. Your attention. How about you? Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Obviously you are planning on angling her. Because her involvement with other men is no longer your business. And you are looking for her to discuss the breakup with you. If she says she is sorry, then what? You're going to be her friend now? Why do you think I'm planning on angling her? And what does that mean? When she gives me the clear response of what she meant yesterday, I'll explain or just say that I'm not interested in being her friend. There's a lot I want to say. Maybe it's better left unsaid. Don't know. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Why do you think I'm planning on angling her? And what does that mean? When she gives me the clear response of what she meant yesterday, I'll explain or just say that I'm not interested in being her friend. There's a lot I want to say. Maybe it's better left unsaid. Don't know. Because asking about other men is meant to manipulate her into saying things you want her to say. Or hope she will say. Same thing with getting into it regarding what she said to you... its a manipulation. An angle. You are hoping she says something that makes it all better. And she is getting exactly what she wanted... your attention. What are you hoping to get accomplished? In a perfect world, what do you want to happen? Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I wasn't going to ask about other men and had no intention of doing so. I wasn't even going to mention the other guy. What do I want to happen/hope to get accomplished? Give her understanding of why what she wanted (not to lose me, continue talking, me not being in her life) is the way it has to be and why it's probably for the best. Truth me told, the thought of her not in my life in some fashion is not what I want. But by lingering and being her friend, I get nothing that I want out of that. That's why I want to ask her for clarity on what she meant. Does she want me just as someone to talk to, or what? She wants to continue talking, like before? I have no clue right now. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Dude, what do you want from her? What do you want the pending contact with her to accomplish for YOU? Best scenario... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I think you do. And if you want to vent your spleen, fine. But her message is the classic tripe: I don't want to lose you. We meant so much to each other ---- we should be able to be friends. She has already clarified that she was "having a bad day". So, if you want the job of emotional tampon, keep the lines of communication open. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Exaaaactly this ^ Again, she is getting exactly what she wanted from you. What do YOU want? For real man? You've decided to play into her hands, can you explain why? What do you really want this contact to do for you? Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I think you do. And if you want to vent your spleen, fine. But her message is the classic tripe: I don't want to lose you. We meant so much to each other ---- we should be able to be friends. She has already clarified that she was "having a bad day". So, if you want the job of emotional tampon, keep the lines of communication open. Probably had a bad day with the new man. That should tell you all you need to know. She contacted you because SHE thinks she was having a bad day. What about you? Where was she when you were having a bad month that SHE caused? She was busy posting pictures of herself with other guys or taking jabs at you via text. As far as I'm concerned, she's done and said things that can't be taken back. Your relationship had been fatally compromised. Delay the talk until you have your mind made up about how you'd like to proceed. If you're okay with settling for friends, fine, but I suggest you tell her you still need some time. You have complete control here... Don't give that up. Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I think you do. And if you want to vent your spleen, fine. But her message is the classic tripe: I don't want to lose you. We meant so much to each other ---- we should be able to be friends. She has already clarified that she was "having a bad day". So, if you want the job of emotional tampon, keep the lines of communication open. That's not what I want. And that's why I said in my previous post that us (me and her) not staying in contact is for the best. I think it's sh*tty to ignore someone and I wanted to allow her to understand why it has to be that way. Even if what she said has a hint of selfishness. Exaaaactly this ^ Again, she is getting exactly what she wanted from you. What do YOU want? For real man? You've decided to play into her hands, can you explain why? What do you really want this contact to do for you? What did she want from me? A response giving her more than my silence? How am I playing in her hands? What do I want? I really don't think a relationship with her is possible. If it was, I'd be all for it. I don't know her intentions or motives by saying what she did last night, but I am glad she reached out and said what I expected she would. What I want this contact to do is give her understanding. Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Probably had a bad day with the new man. That should tell you all you need to know. She contacted you because SHE thinks she was having a bad day. What about you? Where was she when you were having a bad month that SHE caused? She was busy posting pictures of herself with other guys or taking jabs at you via text. As far as I'm concerned, she's done and said things that can't be taken back. Your relationship had been fatally compromised. Delay the talk until you have your mind made up about how you'd like to proceed. If you're okay with settling for friends, fine, but I suggest you tell her you still need some time. You have complete control here... Don't give that up. Thank you for chiming in. I always like to hear your responses. I'm not fine with settling with being friends. I hope I've made that clear by now. Even if she wanted to get back together, it would be for the best if we didn't under the circumstances. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 YOU are missing the biggest point. This isn't about what she wants, needs or hopes for. Including getting her to understand that you wont be her tampon. This is ABOUT you. If you dont' want to be friends, you have already told her that back at the beginning. YOU cannot give her understanding. What you can do is stop trying to get her to understand that she is a selfish brat. Link to comment
dmjord Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Understanding of WHAT!? You're dragging this out further than it needs to go. I'm sure if I were in your shoes my mind would be going all over the place. That's why you're here. So that people can look at this objectively, with logic to help you see through the b.s but you're reading WAY too far into this. You say that if she wanted to get back together, you'd be all for it? After all the stuff she posted on her accounts? After all the crap she made you feel? Let me ask you something. If you saw this EXACT SAME post, word for word from a complete stranger on this forum and you didn't know the girl personally, Would you tell them to drag it out or get the hell out? Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 ^ I'm also a little confused about what you mean by "understanding". If you could type out word for word what you would say, that would help. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 What did she want from me? A response giving her more than my silence? How am I playing in her hands? Yes, she wants her attention fix from you. She wants her control. She got you to be anxious all day yesterday. She got you to pay attention to her. She got exactly what she wanted. She got you to throw no contact out the window. She gets to have her pal and feel good about the breakup. Only one problem... YOU aren't her pal. What I want this contact to do is give her understanding. This will accomplish nothing. You're going to vent and try and make her see the light with how she hurt you? dude....you're going the wrong way. Train wreck incoming... slow down to avoid the wreck. It's going to hurt. And it is already setting you back in the healing process. Not that she gives a flying F about that. She has no respect at all for you. She cares about her. Not you... Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Understanding of WHAT!? You're dragging this out further than it needs to go. I'm sure if I were in your shoes my mind would be going all over the place. That's why you're here. So that people can look at this objectively, with logic to help you see through the b.s but you're reading WAY too far into this. You say that if she wanted to get back together, you'd be all for it? After all the stuff she posted on her accounts? After all the crap she made you feel? I never said I'd be all for it. I said it would be for the best if we didn't get back together under the circumstances (i.e. what she's said, done, how she's acted, etc.) Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Okay, I'll explain. And mhowe, you're 100% right. You're all right. And thanks, chamachama, mhowe, dm, denguin, for being constant in helping me. But here: I don't think that she fully understands why I haven't said a word to her in 24 days besides last night when I asked her what she needed to talk to me about. Maybe she does, but she still wants me in her life. I want to explain to her why that's not beneficial for ME. I want to tell her that by her saying, "Your personality isn't what I envy. I'm not drawn to you. I wouldn't be fulfilled. That's it, we don't belong." makes me understand how she really felt about me, even if it was just towards the end. Why would she still want me in her life is she really felt that way? Attention most likely. I won't give it to her. That does nothing for me and everything for her. Again, I have no idea. I still haven't responded to her message, I haven't asked for clarity, nothing. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is clear to you guys but I hope you can understand. Obviously I'm not thinking logically now. But I think it's sh*tty to leave her hanging in the wind with no response after she said what she did last night. She said, "It's up to you." The ball is in my court. Now what I do with it, I'm still thinking about. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you for chiming in. I always like to hear your responses. I'm not fine with settling with being friends. I hope I've made that clear by now. Even if she wanted to get back together, it would be for the best if we didn't under the circumstances. I'm not fine with settling with being friends. I hope I've made that clear by now. Even if she wanted to get back together, it would be for the best if we didn't under the circumstances. Ok, you don't want to get back together with her (as you say..) And you don't want to be her friend... Why are you in contact with her now? I think I must have missed something Link to comment
DepthOfField Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You have two options: Option 1 Politely tell her you're not looking for anything more with her (romantically or platonically), and that you need your space and walk away completely. Pros: You walk away with dignity being the bigger person You won't get your heart broken again You won't to get to be her emotional tampon Cons: None 2) Continue to dwell over this, and how to respond, and consider being part of her life. Pros None Cons: Delayed healing You get to be her emotional tampon You loose your dignity You get to have your heart broken again Pretty hard choice, eh? Link to comment
neverknowwhy Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 You have two options: Option 1 Politely tell her you're not looking for anything more with her, and that you need your space and walk away completely. Pros: You walk away with dignity being the bigger person You won't get your heart broken again You won't to get to be her emotional tampon Cons: None 2) Continue to dwell over this and consider being part of her life. Pros None Cons: Delayed healing You get to be her emotional tampon You loose your dignity You get to have your heart broken again Pretty hard choice, eh? Seems to be the only option at this point. Thank you. I hope you guys read my post above. Link to comment
dmjord Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 What do I want? I really don't think a relationship with her is possible. If it was, I'd be all for it. . How would it be possible after all that she did? It's not. I really think you're hoping for someone to send you a different answer than what mostly EVERYONE has been telling you. Maybe not but that's what it looks like. Link to comment
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