unknown27 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well here is the problem... I am very attracted to someone i work with. He has a partner and he is in his 40's, however he keeps openly flirting with me, but being a very flirty person, i thought it was just general flirting and meant nothing, until one night when he openly admitted he is attracted to me, followed by a kiss. I am not sure whether this is just general flirting, or whether it means more. I would like to know for the sake of knowing how to handle the situation. Even though i like this man and i am attracted to him, i know i cannot pursue anything with him as he is with someone, and i do not plan to be second choice. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Even though i like this man and i am attracted to him, i know i cannot pursue anything with him as he is with someone, and i do not plan to be second choice. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks You answered your own question! See, you already know what to do. What do we know about this guy? That he is in a relationship and yet he thinks it is ok to flirt and kiss coworkers. And I bet you he would have sex with you too, if you gave him the green light. I also bet you are not the only woman he's trying to turn into his side dish. So knowing all this, ask yourself: 1. is this the type of man I want to be with? and 2. If we did somehow get together, would I trust him to go to work (remember, you most likely won't work together forever). Since I'm pretty sure your answer to both questions is no, then you draw your own conclusions. Your reason for not pursuing anything with him shouldn't be only because you don't want to be second choice. It should be because he's a cheat, and his character is flawed. You should aim higher than this type of damaged goods. Don't forget the saying: you will lose them the same way you got them. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I am not sure whether this is just general flirting, or whether it means more. I would like to know for the sake of knowing how to handle the situation. Handling the situation is pretty straight forward. First consider your job and your reputation on the job--and behave accordingly. Work is supposed to be a place where we go every work day to focus on... ehm, work. It's all about competence--and anything we do that undermines competence or give the 'appearance' of undermining competence places limits on our career path with that firm. Anybody who believes that their flirtations or affairs aren't sensed by anyone else on the job is a fool. Add to that the fact that this guy is already involved with another should scream 'hands off'. I'd put my eyes back on my own paper and let Mr. Flirt figure out his own life. Well, unless your career with this company doesn't matter all that much to you, and neither does finding someone who demonstrates loyalty to any person he's involved with. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I'm not going to give you much advice, but I will tell you what I would do in your situation. And that is, try my best to track down his partner and inform them of his behaviour. Either that, or turn around and give him a piece of my mind. But that's me, and I wouldn't be attracted to a man who was taken and flirting with me. Even if he would be normally my type, if he was trying to get involved with me and I knew he was taken - instant turn off, integrity destroyed. Are you genuinely attracted to someone who would stoop so low? If so, try to do a little soul-searching and explore the reason why you feel that his behaviour doesn't make him utterly repulsive. I don't believe there is such thing as "finding someone better" if you are truly committed. It relates to problems in their relationship or with him as a person that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with an opportunity he is attempting to pursue. I'm glad you have enough sense not to be that person, but better yet if you can turn that sense into a realistic distaste for dirty morals. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 This guy is a cheater. Enough said. Tell him that you are not interested in anyone that would openly flirt and kiss someone else while in a relationship and that he needs to act professionally around you at work or you will talk to H. R. Lost Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You do what I did when I worked in corporate america and got tired of people hoping I'd be the office bicycle and give everyone a ride. You send him one email telling him his actions have been inappropriate and he is to leave you alone or HR is going to get involved. Then you become politely distant and disinterested in anything but work, make it a point never to be alone with him, and stop flirting or having anything to do with him beyond work-related items only. It's called drawing your personal boundaries around you and making them very clear. I'm sure you're attracted to plenty of things, but just as you won't race out and go buy $600 pumps instead of paying the rent I'm sure you have the fortitude to take an office flirtation and shelve it, because you understand the consequences make it simply not worth it. The office is often fraught with this sort of thing, and there are people who unfortunately consider the office their perfect playground to cheat on their SOs. And giving in to that is absolutely the worst thing you can do to yourself in terms of your good name, your career, your professionalism, your ability to do a good job and bring home a paycheck, and to express your own self-respect and self-esteem by refusing to go down that road to begin with. Office romances can turn very ugly even if you're both single and it's all okay that coworkers date each other. If you don't believe me then take a look around this forum for how agonizing it is for people who have to work with an ex. Adding cheating into the mix is even worse. You do not want happening to you what happened to two colleagues of mine after the wife showed up at work, created a huge scene, and dumped PI pics of both my coworkers all over the office for everyone to see. It was awful, like watching a train wreck and then the guy ran after his wife and actually yelled at my female coworker for breaking them apart. Both he and she were fired the next day too, because my boss was not happy that this all took place in front of clients. So any time you find yourself tempted imagine this guy's girlfriend or SO or whatever showing up at the office with compromising pics and screaming at you in front of everyone then shoving them in everyone's faces. It'll make him so much less attractive. Not to mention do you really want to be with someone who treats his significant other like that? He's showing you just how much loyalty and honesty don't mean to him while what's between his legs gets center stage. Remember that when you start to mentally go on about how attractive he is. Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Not to mention do you really want to be with someone who treats his significant other like that? He's showing you just how much loyalty and honesty don't mean to him while what's between his legs gets center stage. Remember that when you start to mentally go on about how attractive he is. I like this, and I was thinking this exact same thing after I posted in this thread. Not to mention, there have been quite a few similar threads lately, where the woman likes a guy who is in a relationship and is brainstorming as to how to get her hands on the guy. I don't get it. How on earth, when they see guys who are clearly cheating or intending to cheat, the first thing some women think is "wow he's hot, I want him for myself"?? It's like a reverse check list: "oh look, he's a cheater, has zero morals, no respect for women in general and his girlfriend in particular, he thinks with his d*ck... BINGO! Lemme try to make him mine!". Why would anyone happily want to take the place of the person who is being hurt and disrespected (the girlfriend or wife), when that's such a horrible position to be in? Even more, these women see these cheaters as prizes, that they need to fight for! In this particular post, OP should be grossed out that the guy dared to kiss her and that he thinks so low about her. She knows exactly how he acts when in a relationship, and what would happen to her if they somehow got together, she knows the guy is not faithful and what he does when he's not with his girlfriend, and instead of running for the hills, she wants to find ways to take his girlfriend's place! LOL... it blows my mind! To me, having a guy in a relationship flirt with me and come on to me is like a slap in the face, and I wonder why exactly would he think I am the type who would go for that. It takes a special kind of low to go after a taken guy, and I'm embarrassed that he thought, even for a second, that I would go that low. It is in no shape or form a compliment, and I don't care how gorgeous the guy may be. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 These threads have been dime a dozen lately. I really don't understand what advice you are after .... if you have no intention of pursuing anything with this man then it doesn't matter what it means. You handle it by not involving yourself with him. He is preparing to cheat on his partner. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 To me, having a guy in a relationship flirt with me and come on to me is like a slap in the face, and I wonder why exactly would he think I am the type who would go for that. It takes a special kind of low to go after a taken guy, and I'm embarrassed that he thought, even for a second, that I would go that low. It is in no shape or form a compliment, and I don't care how gorgeous the guy may be. Applause. Exactly! And yes, I've noticed a run on these type of threads. I'm with you greta, all I can figure is these are women and men who haven't yet been burned by a cheater or had enough experience to know a) someone who comes on to you when they're in a relationship is actively insulting your intelligence -- "Oh lookie, I've got a live dumb one here, let's play her/him for a fool" and that b) if he/she will do it to the person they are living with now they will do it when you too become that dull boyfriend/girlfriend and some other cutie happens upon the scene. Also, and this is a really important point that gets missed, c) cheaters are exhibiting some sort of psychological and/or emotional damage when they're cheating or attempting to always. And yes, I know I'll probably get heat for that and I don't care. An emotionally healthy, psychologically normal person stops and says, "This relationship isn't working for me and I need to end it," and then they do so before anyone else comes into the picture. If they aren't doing it then yeah, there's damage there somewhere and sooner or later anyone who hooks their wagon to such a person is going to experience that up close and personal. When you land a cheater that's all you've landed, a cheater. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I would like to know for the sake of knowing how to handle the situation. It really is quite simple. You tell him in no uncertain terms to back off and you are not interested and stick to it. MEAN what you say. Question is: WILL you? ...self-respect, integrity, if you have these it shouldn't be a problem. Link to comment
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