actor Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Curious to hear advice of this wise forum! I am a younger widower dating a divorced woman. She is beautiful, sexy, caring, giving and really gets on well with my kids. Of course we men always have a catch. I am American and she is British - I am open, social outgoing love to joke and have fun, and she is mostly serious not worldly, and we have different interests. She is always very straight (little humor if at all), has a tough shell about her (when relaxed she opens up a bit) and comes from a bad first marriage. She wants to talk with me a lot but I would rather go out with her to a movie, go out with friends,etc. If lead the fun she is a great sport and will follow and while I have my own luggage I believe I do fun pretty well. I know one night a week is date night but we see each other at least a few times a week and the conversation is always about your day, her kids, my kids, etc. We cannot move to a deeper level. She really cares about me and I care about her and she asks me all the time about me, but that is not interesting, Can you marry someone who you do not really enjoy the conversation together when everything else is great? Is there hope to change it since she has always had to work very hard to support herself. Thank you all, Curious Link to comment
faraday Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Hey actor, welcome to the forum What I've learned in mr past relationships...is that you need to take someone as-is, and decide if absolutely nothing changed, could you love them just as they are? Because....nothing can change. I mean, I've dated guys thinking "eventually he'll start picking up his socks, he knows it bugs me" or "eventually he'll want to be more settled and hang out at pubs less and spend more time at home with me." "and eventually he'll take his job less seriously...or he'll quit..held such a stress ball...it will be over when this project is." But nothing changed. Because...people are who they are. And we need to love the, as they are. And if we can't, that's cool, but it's on us to leave then instead of hoping they'll be different. There's someone else out there for you actor. Someone that will want to go out and do things, and laugh with you, and having a deeper connection to her will be so easy, it will be like breathing. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I once dated a guy who was very quiet...he was a chef and he was into music (part of a singing/music duo). He was also one of 9 kids growing up...so I figured...well, you would expect that a few of them would be the quiet ones. He was personable and outgoing. But after a few months I realized...except for the above topics...he had no other interests or knowledge. Really quite boring. And so...I broke up with him. Because by his late 20's, he appeared perfectly content. And I am sure he was... Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Have you talked to her about wanting to go deeper in conversation, and about your concerns regarding the introversion/extraversion issue? Link to comment
Iggles Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Can you marry someone who you do not really enjoy the conversation together when everything else is great? Is there hope to change it since she has always had to work very hard to support herself. Conversation is no small thing when considering marriage. Consider this quote: And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times. Intense $hit . Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Best to find someone who makes you laugh! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 How long since her divorce and your loss? What would you like to discuss that she doesn't seem able to address? Link to comment
actor Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Thank you so much!!! I am widowed 6 years and she is divorced about 7 years. I would love to discuss philosophy, politics, religion, she loves entertainment, beauty in anything (clothes, shoes, etc.), I ahve many friends she has a few good ones only - I am afraid she has been working so hard to raise her children on her own (her ex is a real jerk - trust me on this one) and is the sole supporter of her family which puts incredible stress on her. I am financially stable - perhaps I am being unrealistic but I am waiting for her to initiate fun. if it makes any sense I am waiting for the child in her to come out now that her kids are a bit older. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 She wants to talk with me a lot but I would rather go out with her to a movie, go out with friends,etc. ^^ From your first post . . . if she is willing to talk and likes to talk, have you tried talking to her about philosophy and politics and religion? Yes, being essentially a single mom for many years sure would suck your inner child right out of you, I'd imagine. Again, have you discussed wanting to take things to a "deeper level" with her and described for her what that might look like to you? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 [...] Again, have you discussed wanting to take things to a "deeper level" with her and described for her what that might look like to you? Yep, this is key, because notice that none of us could intuitively understand what it is, exactly, that you want but are not getting from her. So skip vague abstractions, because those mean something different to everyone. For instance, wanting to go 'deeper' can mean that you want to talk about love, archeology, complex equations, scuba diving, metadata, pillar digging...you get the point. Wanting humor and fun on the other hand is the opposite of 'depth' for many people. So wanting her to lighten up can be confusing when discussed in the same context as wanting to go deeper. So negotiate fairly, not vaguely. Ask for something you want in exchange for something she'd consider good currency. Ask her what you can do for her if she'll indulge you by attending a local political meeting with you, or offer to take her and her kids to a theme park if she'll come with you to an art exhibit in the next city... If you think she's worth the effort of cultivating the relationship, then be specific about where you want to go with her--literally. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I'm not saying common interests can't develop that don't currently exist, but they tend to happen organically and naturally. You can't really force it. Exposure to new things will help but the desire has to be there. Link to comment
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