Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Hello. Im 26 yr old male, currently in a long term relationship and Im having an intense internal battle about getting married. We are living together and have been together for 4 years and we have had our ups and downs but overall it has been one of my best relationships in terms of compatability and lifestyle. Everybody around me is nudging me to marry and settle down but i still have reservations. Personally, I am going thru alot and making this decision is hard. My mother died 2 years ago, my grandmother passed away last month. I have issues with my family, carrer, job, and small business. I moved to another state to better myself and dont have the best support system. Im lost. Dont know who I am and im trying to restructure my life and make good choices. We both come from dyfunctional divorced working class to lower class families. I myself dont know much about a marriage or how to go about having a good one. I also have high standards. So im often dissapointed that the girl im going to be marrying isnt the most atrractive, has a dysfunctional family, has REALLY bad morning breath, constantly burps and passes gas, has facial hair, dosent consistanly keep up with apperace (hair, clothes, makeup, dosent work out) and in the past she has had sex with my cousin to hurt me. Everyone around me is encouraging me to marry because "she is the one" but im still on the fence. Sometimes I feel positive about it. Sometimes i pull back. Our lease is up at the end of march, so i need to make a choice soon. Please help guys. Thanks Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 So im often dissapointed that the girl im going to be marrying isnt the most atrractive, has a dysfunctional family, has REALLY bad morning breath, constantly burps and passes gas, has facial hair, dosent consistanly keep up with apperace (hair, clothes, makeup, dosent work out) and in the past she has had sex with my cousin to hurt me. Well, besides all that ---- do you love her? You do not need to decide before your lease is up if you should marry her. However, a conversations with regard to her appearance, fitness, hygiene and fidelity could solve some of your concerns. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Until this part, I was feeling your post... I also have high standards. So im often dissapointed that the girl im going to be marrying isnt the most atrractive, has a dysfunctional family, has REALLY bad morning breath, constantly burps and passes gas, has facial hair, dosent consistanly keep up with apperace (hair, clothes, makeup, dosent work out) But that just turned me off. You have "high standards" yet you've dated this woman for four years? Why exactly is that? Have you ever mentioned any of this to her? Have you bought her a gym membership or even suggested the two of you go for a walk in the park or around a track? Have you said, "honey, I can't wait to kiss your mouth, but first... uhm, can you use a little mouth wash?" And then I read this. ...and in the past she has had sex with my cousin to hurt me. So why do you want to marry an unattractive woman who has ducked your cousin to "hurt" you, burps, passes gas, has bad breath and doesn't care about how she looks? Everyone around me is encouraging me to marry because "she is the one" but im still on the fence. Sometimes I feel positive about it. Sometimes i pull back. Our lease is up at the end of march, so i need to make a choice soon. Please help guys. Thanks We could get into a serious discussion if this was the gist of the OP. You never marry someone because friends and family are telling you it's time or she's the one. You marry them because you love the hell out of them and want to spend the rest of your life with them. You marry them for who they are now and who they'll grow into. You marry their good parts and bad parts and you have no doubt about it. You yourself said this woman does not measure up. Why are you even still with her? Link to comment
allsmiles87 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 The fact that she she slept with your cousin is a dealbreaker in itself. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 In regards to standards, I have always struggled with self esteem. we met back in our hometown. Since that time, I have been in counseling and have been working on myself. I now have a diffrent outlook on what I want. I have talked to here about all these things. Some issues have gotten better but she is not consistant. Living in a new city I meet and come accross alot of people who are better looking and may have that kindness and compatablilty to match. they also wouldnt have the strife of the past that ive struggled with for years to forgive. Do i love her, yes i do. Do i want the best seat in the house when it comes to being married, I do. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 In regards to standards, I have always struggled with self esteem. we met back in our hometown. Since that time, I have been in counseling and have been working on myself. I now have a diffrent outlook on what I want. I have talked to here about all these things. Some issues have gotten better but she is not consistant. Living in a new city I meet and come accross alot of people who are better looking and may have that kindness and compatablilty to match. they also wouldnt have the strife of the past that ive struggled with for years to forgive. Do i love her, yes i do. Do i want the best seat in the house when it comes to being married, I do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Well, the best seat in the house is not next to a cheating, unfit, unkempt woman. I suggest you sit her down and explain that come the end of the lease will be the end of the relationship because you feel you can do much better. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 At first I thought this was a prank post...and I wonder if it still is. I am not sure why you would want to marry this person if you gut is telling you to find someone else. She was intimate with another, your cousin at that...you are not attracted to her.... so why stay with her. truly?!? This is a no brainer...move on and figure your life out without Shrek. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 The fact that she she slept with your cousin is a dealbreaker in itself. It was and i worked on it because I did and still love her. we've been in counseling, and church. I thought that overtime it would go away, but when i consider marrying, it pops up. I admit that true forgiveness is not a strong point for me. She did it in response to me breaking up with her. I later admitted earlier in the relationship I did cheat. So the cousin situation is her breaking even, but it still weighs heavy on me in the trust department. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Whoops. I see that the pot is calling the kettle black. You cheated as well. Do you practice good hygiene, are you fit? Because when it comes to dysfunctional families and cheating, you guys are equals. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Cheating is never right and she made a poor decision. But then you did, too. Ever wonder where her trust in you is at the moment? Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Whoops. I see that the pot is calling the kettle black. You cheated as well. Do you practice good hygiene, are you fit? Because when it comes to dysfunctional families and cheating, you guys are equals. Yes I practice good hygiene. I am phycially slim/tone and have always worked out. I went thru a depression and stalled when my mom/grandma died so im in the process of joining a gym. The fact that we are equal on that level does scare me at times. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Cheating is never right and she made a poor decision. But then you did, too. Ever wonder where her trust in you is at the moment? She says she trusts me but still thinks of the cheating and my issues on figuring out marrage. She asks "will it ever happen" Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Well --- it would appear that a gift certificate for a make over and a gym membership may right this ship. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Well --- it would appear that a gift certificate for a make over and a gym membership may right this ship. I will look into it. Also, do you think that I could ever get back to trusting? After the cousin situation. It still scares me. Any remedies would be great.. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Good lord this is dysfunctional...I am not sure where to start. So you both cheated on each other and she has personal hygiene issues. I know OP this is your thread, but I wonder what she says about your habits...those things come out when you live together. Here are a couple of observations. You are both very spiteful people..you get hurt and then you purposefully go out and do something to hurt the other person. Not a unconditionally loving relationship by any means. There is ZERO trust. And relationships are built on trust. Are either of you going to walk down the aisle and vow to be with the other person forever when the trust is gone? How do you know if that vow is truthful? Marriage doesn't fix things. So if you are having all of these issues, the answer is not marriage. To answer your question - you should not get married. The fact that you are asking the question should be your answer. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I will look into it. Also, do you think that I could ever get back to trusting? After the cousin situation. It still scares me. Any remedies would be great.. Also any way I can keep her consistant with apperance and hygein? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I will look into it. Also, do you think that I could ever get back to trusting? After the cousin situation. It still scares me. Any remedies would be great.. Well, I am not sure of the issues in a retalitorial "cheat". Does she trust you? I would speak to your therapist with regard to putting both infidelities behind you. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 She says she trusts me but still thinks of the cheating and my issues on figuring out marrage. She asks "will it ever happen" Being cheated on is not that easy to overcome. She still wonders if/when it will happen again. Trust is a hell of a thing to earn back once it is gone... as you well know. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Also any way I can keep her consistant with apperance and hygein? I would suggest a "reward" system. If she brushes her teeth every day, she gets a dinner out on Friday. If she bathes daily and grooms appropriately, she gets a manicure. And, of course --- if she does the gym regularly --- she gets her own reward --- a fit body. Link to comment
Bsmith275 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I would suggest a "reward" system. If she brushes her teeth every day, she gets a dinner out on Friday. If she bathes daily and grooms appropriately, she gets a manicure. And, of course --- if she does the gym regularly --- she gets her own reward --- a fit body. It just sucks that I have to push so hard to get her to do this. I feel like this should be a given... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yeah --- well, most people think fidelity is as well. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It just sucks that I have to push so hard to get her to do this. I feel like this should be a given... And, as I would assume this issue came up AFTER she moved in, because you never would have started dating someone with all of these hygiene issues, it is up to you as her partner to assist her in changing behavior (which is very difficult). I mean, can you imagine breaking up with her because of these little things that are so easy to fix? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 link removed Wise methodology and funny! My hubby says that I fit squarely into the wife zone but trending towards unicorn. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Be cautious with expecting you are going to change someone... total set up for failure. You can certainly in a polite manner address her hygiene problems that cause you disdain but she ultimately has to change for herself... changing for you sets her up for resentment, anger and maybe sleeping with your cousin again... sigh. Honestly, it sounds like you have soul searched this one. You went to counseling. Your questions about your state of mind and ultimately if you should marry her are signs of maturity. I think you know in your heart that you are not wanting to marry this girl despite having strong attachment based on your long history.. she is comfortable for you. At the risk of losing her maybe for you its best to end the relationship and see what else is out there. Of course, no guarantees as you may decide it is her and she may no longer be available. Good Luck Link to comment
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