How to break up with an unstable girlfriend

[Lostinlove41]

Ok, so here is my situation:

 

I have been dating my g/f now for 6 months, we also dated for another 4 last year-we broke up and go back to gether this summer. When things are good with us it's heaven, but when things get going bad, she turns into this self -degrading/destructive person. Everything in the world becomes her fault(what she thinks). This is usually around the time she starts picking fights with me.

 

A little more info, yes I have told her I love her, and I really do, but I know that I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who does care enough about her own life that she will threaten to kill her self everytime we have a problem.....

 

That's where my problem comes in, about 3months ago, things were getting really bad, and I had had enough, I told her i just needed a break for a little while, no I hadnt' found someone else, and I wasn't going to see anyone, I just needed a break.....Well she took this as a break up, and just drove off......later I get a call, she is saying goodbye and hopes I have a great life....and that she can't live anymore. So I drive over, and I stop her from doing whatever she had planned to do, and I agree to stay with her(no break), a simuilar thing happened a month ago, after a big fight. Same threat, and then me going over to stop her

 

Theres just one other catch, I think she want's to break up with me too, but as rediculous as it sounds, she doesn't want to. She told me that in the past she never broke up with a boyfriend, she always annoyed, or picked so many fights with them so that they would dump her(which she does to me now).....but I can't dump her with out the threat of her killing herself.

 

 

Her home life isn't that great and I know her parents wouldn't believe that she would go through with it(being that she has everything she could ever want(they have money)-even though they can't buy what she really wants.

 

 

What do I do, I can't stay with her forever and ruin my life, but I also don't want her to do something that I will fill I had a direct part in.....

[DN]

Tell her that you are breaking up with her. If she threatens suicide give her the number of the local suicide prevention hotline. Do not respond directly to any suicide threats because that is what she wants, it's a way of controlling you. But: if she says she is about to do it tell her you will call 911 and send help to her. Then, if you think she is really going to do something, call 911.

In either case, once you have broken up, stay broken up. No contact, or the same situation will repeat itself.

[justagirl20f]

It's hard, man... Okay she's learned that when things don't go her way, she can threaten suicide and u come running over and things are "all better" at least for the time being.

 

I agree you cant stay with her, and she isnt your responsibility. Part of this is going to be feeling comfortable within yourself that whatever happens wasn't your fault in any way. No one should have the right or ability to trap someone as she is doing to you.

 

I doubt it highly that she will follow through with these threats, considering she's been broken up with in the past. Next time you break up, I'd place a call to the cops when she threatens suicide. They'll show up at her door and surprise her enough to break the pattern. If she really is in danger, it will also contribute to saving her life and getting her the help she needs.

 

The main thing would be you never have any contact again. If she has stuff over at your place, do your best to get them over to her through mutual friends or her parents or whatever, but don't see her. Same with getting your stuff back (if applicable).

 

You want out. You have the right to break up with her just as anyone else would to break up with their significant other. I'm pretty sure she will live on and get over it. But she is NOT your responsibility. Dating someone doesn't mean sacrificing your happiness forever because you made the mistake of going out with them for a while.

[melrich]

If a two year old wants a candy and you say no it will scream and tantrum. Then give in and give it a candy and you have taught it a valuable lesson. If I scream I get what I want.

 

Your gf has learnt this...if I threaten suicide he'll come back to me.

 

Of course you cannot stay in this relationship if you do not want to. End it. If she threatens suicide call her parents (or someone you know that she respects and listens to) and tell them about it. They can then ensure she is OK (which she more than likely is anyway).

 

Otherwise you are just submitting to a form of blackmail.

[melrich]

If a two year old wants a candy and you say no it will scream and tantrum. Then give in and give it a candy and you have taught it a valuable lesson. If I scream I get what I want.

 

Your gf has learnt this...if I threaten suicide he'll come back to me.

 

Of course you cannot stay in this relationship if you do not want to. End it. If she threatens suicide call her parents (or someone you know that she respects and listens to) and tell them about it. They can then ensure she is OK (which she more than likely is anyway).

 

Otherwise you are just submitting to a form of blackmail.

[xmrth]

I agree with an above comment that she has learned that by threatening her own life, she can get what she wants from you.

 

She sounds like a real attention seeker. I don't know enough about her to say this next part, but I will-- she doesn't seem serious because of being an attention seeker and having learned she can manipulate you by threatening her life. thereforeee, I wouldn't worry about her really ending it.

HOWEVER, you can never be too sure about that. I think you should just try to tell her parents. They can at least set her up with a therapist if she really is serious, and to maybe get this little act of hers to stop. She's putting you in quite a situation here.

[Lostinlove41]

that's just the thing, there is know one I can call that she respects or will listen to....in the six months we have been together, she has pretty much lost contact with all of her friends, all she does it go to school, work and wants to be with me the rest of the time.

 

She has become insanely jealous of my friends who I don't see all that often because of work and school. She now is sad and depessed all the time, she tells me she cries when we aren't together, or when I leave.

 

I have basically become her whole life, and since her home life is so bad, I've become the only person she confides in when she has a problem.

 

I guess calling the cops is my only option........

 

ugghhh....

[xmrth]

Is there any way she could see a therapist? Or anyone who you could talk to that could arrange for that? Or are there any councelors at her school?

I'm not sure what happens when you call police about it, because I've not heard of someone doing that and their result, but it is an option-- absolutely.

She sounds so attached, and just the breakup could rattle her up in a bad way if that's how it is.

[Lostinlove41]

I'm not sure about school she attends a different college than I do. And that was the thing about the police, I don't know how they would react, and I'm sure she would deny that she ever said that she was going to do it...she comes from prestigous family and wouldn't want to ruin their image(at least not while she's still around to be in it).

 

and yeah she has become so attached, she want's to be with me 24/7 and even became upset when our winter break was over because we couldn't spend 5 days a week together anymore.....

[traz]

There's no way you can coerce her into seeking help? such as a therapist? Maybe you can even suggest you'll go with her?

 

It may help her get over her low-selfconfidence you mentioned, as well as her suicide threats. You also said that you love her, but you can't be with her because of the way she gets sometimes...maybe something like therapy will help that and even allow the relationship to continue.

[Lostinlove41]

I've tried to bring up using a therapist or to get some help, saying it would help with the low self esteem(not mentioning the suicide at all), but she knows what I'm getting at and she doesn't want any part of that.....

[traz]

Then I"m afraid you probably have no choice but to break up with her and FORCE her to get help if she threatens suicide...IE call someone who will help her.

 

Or maybe talk to her parents?

[dreamweaverdude]

Lostinlove41

 

DOnt ever let anyone threatened you or control you by saying they will committ suicide. Not that i'm an expert on this this but i would dare say if someone threatens it, they are less likely to do it. My wife of 20+ years has used that ploy fo years to achieve her way when things got tough. When I finally asked her what dress she wanted to be buried in etc etc...... it put a stop to it. The first time she did I beg her not to..... but after several times..... of trying this.... I told go ahead .... if that was what she wanted go on.......

 

It's never been used again.

 

Good Luck

[Azure13]

Wow . She is definitely using suicide as a way of manipulating you. You should get out of this relationship.

 

I understand where you're coming from.. you love her but it is killing you to stay with her and shes just being totally self destructive..Tell her that you care about her very much but that you can't be in this kind of destructive relationship because it isn't good for you. One of my ex's used to threaten suicide all the time.. it drove me up a wall, I know how it feels it is so stressful and crazy. I bet she won't do it, shes using it as a way of manipulating you, but still you don't want that on your conscience in case it does happen; like everyone else has been saying you should set her up with therapy.. be kind to her but also let her know that you have to walk away from this relationship, at least for now. Tell her until she gets her act together you can't talk to her anymore. She isn't respecting your needs and she has gotten so used to behaving immaturely when things arent going her way that she does this everytime.. maybe your leaving will be the wake up call she needs. But either way this cycle's gotta be stopped.