engraved2008 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I believe you should do whats working the best for you...there is not a definite rule.What i think is that if someone dumps you,they took a decision to no longer be with you.During healing process,i know it is hard at times,but no amount of contact will resolve the situation.To me ,nothing changed in few weeks.Yes ,in time you will heal.But in my case,i choose no contact because he made it clear he no longer feells like he used to ,and no longer wishes to continue the relationship.I know i miss him as well,but he hurt me so much with those words ,that no amount of contact will fix anything.knowing my ex experiences with women begging fro him to come back,i do not want to be remembered as ,,the ex that never got over him'',i want to be remember as someone special and i do not want to stain this memory,but then again i believe in dignity and being in my thirties i am wise enough to know how the game goes.I think you shoudl do what heart tells you to do... Link to comment
AnalyzeThis Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I understand what you are writing about staing in low contact. I personally find it even easier to move on when I stay as friends. Why waste a perfectly good friend and person, and cut that person out of my life entirely? If you can truly be happy for the other person when he moves on and is in a relationship with someone else, then you can be friends. In my break ups, it was usually not because the guy was some abusive horrible guy. It was because of college, distance, he wanted or didn't want kids, wrong timing, focused too much on work, etc. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Since he has moved 1000 miles away and your texting consists of small talk...he will now be a text buddy until he gets in a relationship? Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 You're welcome See, you don't feel any way about it right now, because it's not happening, it's just hypothetic. But when it becomes reality, it stings. This is something I had the pleasure of testing on my own skin. I dated a guy I really, really liked and cared about, but he wasn't looking for anything long term. He was also working at a place that used to be my weekend hang-out place, so I would see him every week, before we dated, during and after. Well, while it did suck that we were broken up, seeing him weekly delayed my process of getting over him, I was always looking forward to the weekend knowing I'd see him, and it felt good. Sometimes we'd even talk! And this prolonged my unfortunate situation by...1.5 years! It was only after (for whatever reasons) he stopped working there, that I could finally move on. Just sayin' ... Link to comment
No1 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Im not a big supporter of NC only, there are times when Limited Contact works. I dont think the break up was mutual tho. With that being said if its working for you then okay, if you have thought about him dating someone and you said it honestly doesnt bother me, then fine.. good for you. The reality is that your X is going to fall in love with someone else and he will not have time to text you as a friend once he starts dating. This is your first break up and its my view that you are having a hard time letting go. Eventually youll have to let go or it will be done for you. I want you to heal and if you feel its the best way.. more power to you. Just know that the relationship is over, he is not coming back, and he will fall in love with someone else.. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 If you don't respond, the breakup becomes real to him. When you do respond, then he gets to use you as a crutch until he finds someone to replace you. Once he does.... you may find yourself unhealed, wounded big time, and him completely and utterly gone from your life (i.e. NC forced upon you). Sometimes that's just what it takes though... The only reason I mention the box and color thing is if you are in denial and thinking contact will eventually lead to him taking you back. It won't. In fact, it will do quite the opposite... RE: the box analogy. Good luck to you though. I hope contact helps you however you think it is. I need to chime in here cause it appears many of you aren't understanding what brigirl is saying. She doesn't want him back! Even though HE was the one to finally end it, she also realized it wasn't working for reasons she stated earlier (depression, etc.). She is not in denial or pining away for him...she IS moving on...go back and read what she wrote! She goes out, spends time with friends, is working on herself, learning and growing. NC is for people who have not yet emotionally moved on. From everything brigirl has written, she IS moving on...and has accepted it'over. She and her ex have reached a place that takes most couples six months or longer to reach. Acceptance of the break/loss...and that they are better off as friends only. It's working for them, so who is anyone else to say that's wrong? She also made a great point when she said it's not her job to control how her ex feels about her. If he wants to think silently "oh poor Brit she can't get over the greatness of me,".. that's HIS problem. Not hers. Her job is to keep her own feelings in check..who gives a crap what HE thinks? And I highly doubt he is thinking that anyway...and there is no indication that he does since HE is the one doing most if not all the initiating. And it appears to me she is doing just that (keeping her feelings in check). She has no grand illusions of getting back together... it doesn't appear she even wants him back! They are friends and it's working for them. I think that's great! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I don't think anyone is misunderstanding that they won't get back together as he has moved 1000 miles away. So if she needs a text buddy until he texts her to say his new gf thinks it is inappropriate to be texting an ex...then having to "break off" again, that is her choice. Link to comment
chamachama Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Its still very early. But I do agree that she seems to be ahead of the curve here. If she really has no more romantic feelings for him anymore and neither does he...I don't see why they can't be real friends at all. I'm friends with several ex's and things are just fine. We do not see each other as anything other than friends anymore. BUT I do have an ex that I would never be friends with. Our physical chemistry is just too insane at all times and its always way to tempting to be with each other when we are in any contact what so ever. And since I won't fool myself into thinking she is my pal (she's not and never will be), plus the fact that we are like fire and air (combustible and highly volatile) aside from the physical, I had to cut all ties and block her on everything. Its just healthier for me not to have such a person in my life. brigirl's situation is nothing like that though. So again, if the physical chemistry has faded and romantic feelings are no longer present between the two... then I totally agree, why waste a good friend? So long as its really friends and nothing more, I don't see an issue at all. Link to comment
brigirl92 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Thank you everyone for you input/advice. Weathergirl pretty much hit the nail on the head. I have accepted the fact that we're not together, as well as won't be together for the foreseeable future. Him being so far away now, along with us working on our own personal issues, shows that it isn't feasible/logical for us to be in a relationship right now. The only reason why I'm saying "right now" and "foreseeable future" cause no one has a clue to what the future holds. And no I'm not holding on to that fact alone, because expectation often breeds disappointment. I have no expectations of us being together again, simple as that. Our relationship was great, and he's a great guy, so I don't see the point in cutting him out of my life. The only way I would see that it would be reasonable is if I haven't accepted the fact that we have broken up, he was crappy in the relationship, etc. As far as "don't contact him because in the future he'll find someone and you'll have to break ties again". I'm not concerned about that right now. I'm not going to 'safe guard' my feelings for something that might happen in the future, I'll deal with it as it comes. Generally speaking, in the past, I've cut so many people out of my life who didn't necessarily deserve it as some coping mechanism, to safe guard my feelings/emotions because I had no clue how to address problems when I was faced with them. I've gotten better at that, and because of that, I will face that issue as it arises in the future I'm not going to preemptively block future feelings just cause I feel like I won't be able to deal with something at a later time. As an adult, ableit a young one, I have to deal with things as they come. And I don't see him as a "texting buddy". That implies I need him around for the sense purpose of keeping me occupied via text. He's a friend who happens to be an ex also that I check in with from time to time. I'm happy with my decision, and if this all goes left, oh well it's life. I'll live and I'll learn. Link to comment
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