I keep breaking NC and I don't regret at all (LONG)

[brigirl92]

I know the whole breakup mantra is "Don't contact your ex. Block them out of every aspect of your life." but I'm finding that very hard to do. Everything isn't for everyone and I'm not saying that as an excuse to continue doing what I'm doing. Nothing is black or white and sometimes things are grey.

 

I truly understand the purpose of NC in order to heal, get over an ex, and focus on yourself. I'm a cynic so of course I don't even want to believe that I'm over my ex after just a short period of time of breaking up. But the thing is, at times I feel like I am. I've received some great advice on here in regards to NC. I do agree that I shouldn't be in contact with my ex if even the thought of him being with someone else would get me upset. Honestly it doesn't. I've thought it over and over and over again. I just want him to be happy. I've accepted we couldn't work out. And as far as me focusing on myself? I've done more for my future and to better myself than I've had in a long while.

 

Continuing an open line of communication with my ex has helped me transition from interacting with him as my boyfriend to just a friend. Honestly whenever I tried NC, the whole "cold turkey" aspect of it made me become obsessive. I checked his Facebook regularly and baby sat my phone all day. Now I don't do that. I barely even notice my phone.

 

No we don't talk everyday, because I personally feel like too frequent communication mirrors too much of how it was in our relationship. We share a few text exchanges a couple times a week.

 

No I'm not claiming my situation is any different from anyone else's, but I'm doing better this way. I may or may not have the mentioned before but our breakup was due to us both having depression. I'm definitely coping better with an open limited line of communication and I think he is also.

 

Yes of course I wished it could have worked, no one wants to deal with a breakup. But this breakup has allowed me to finally admit to myself that I need to find better ways to cope with hardships in life ie my depression and it feels nice to have a friend, abliet an ex, there along the way who knows what I'm going through.

 

At times I felt like NC was pouring a ton of alcohol on the wound, the pain reminding you of it all. Not necessarily getting any better feeling wise. Peroxide works just fine for me

 

No offense to anyone doing NC. If it is helping you heal and get over an ex, I support it 100 and 10 percent. But in my case it doesn't feel that way. It didn't feel liberating at all. I feel like I was working towards getting X amount of days of NC just so I can have some number to celebrate.

 

Who knows, maybe this will blow up in my face, but this is my choice. Like I said I value the advice on here. That first week after the breakup would have been worse without it. I'm open to constructive criticism. No mud slinging

 

(I'm already expecting:

You haven't tried it long enough.

You're not over him, you just broke up.

You're just trying to convince yourself this decision is smart when it isn't.

Block, block, block, block.)

 

****Don't take my feelings and run with it hoping it will work for your situation. NC is a wonderful concept. It PERSONALLY isn't working in practice. I think everyone should at least give it a shot and assess what works PERSONALLY***

[Dcgent]

Everyone's situation is different. If he wants to still be in touch and you do too, then why not. When I broke up with my last ex, in which we dated the better part of 4 years, we both knew we needed to move on from the relationship. While she was more proactive about being in touch, it didn't bother me, BUT I was not looking for long drawn out dialogues. Rather, contact me if you need anything but you should be fine. If your current situation is working for you and you know deep down in your gut it is the right path, then follow it. If you gut is telling you otherwise, then you need to reassess the situation. No, the gut is not your heart or head...always trust your gut and don't listen to the heart or head. The heart will over look things, the mind will over analyze but the gut doesn't go away when you are doing something wrong. Good Luck.

[mhowe]

You are using contact with him to get over him, and that is your choice.

 

You don't regret it ---- until you do.

[brigirl92]

You are using contact with him to get over him, and that is your choice.

 

You don't regret it ---- until you do.

 

I'm not using contact with him to get over him. That thought process is contradictory and very selfish. If I felt like our communication was some crutch, and not us simply checking in on each other, I wouldn't be communicating with him. Simple as that

[chamachama]

You are on here posting threads named "I miss him". You miss him because you aren't over him even a tiny bit. You aren't over him because of the contact you are clinging to.

 

What you don't understand is that every time you contact him, and communicate with him, you are validating his reasoning for not being with you in the first place. Contact not only doesn't allow you to heal and stop the constant anxiety and anguish of a breakup, it also pushes the dumper farther away from the dumpee. Why? Because in order to breakup with you, a dumper paints you with a brush of their own color. Because you are this color to them, they feel like they were right to breakup and stay broken up with you.

 

When you go no contact (and I mean NO CONTACT AT ALL), and start laying down the foundations of a new better life for YOU by doing new things, meeting new people, being healthy working out, joining new fun activities, traveling to new places etc...for YOURSELF... By having new experiences that have nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with you, you start to build back your self worth and gain back some of that pride that allows you to start moving on in a healthy positive way. Plus you start to move from that box that they were so sure you fit into. You are no longer this color they thought you were...

 

BUT when you have contact after a breakup in ANY form while you are still getting over them.. you are basically holding a huge billboard that says "HEY!! LOOK AT ME! I AM THAT EXACT COLOR YOU KNEW I WAS!!! YOU WERE RIGHT TO BREAK UP WITH ME!!!"

 

You can dance around the fact that contact at your early point does nothing but prolong your healing and push him farther away... And you can try to rationalize your contact any way you like... But you are in denial on a lot of fronts and you are just hurting yourself more than helping yourself. Eventually, you will realize that it hurts when you have contact of any sort, and you will start caring more about not being in pain anymore than you do about keeping tabs on a guy who doesn't want to be with you...

 

How's that for an explanation that wasn't on your list of expected replies?

[brigirl92]

I don't expect long drawn out dialogues either. It's moreso "How are you doing? What's have you been up to lately?" and I'm totally fine with that. And we leave it at that. As long were not communicating in the capacity of a relationship, I'm okay. I check in on my friends, I see my ex as a friend of mine, so why not? I'm going what my gut and this is what feels right for me.

[Clinton]

There is no one solution to healing. If you truly are getting better good for you. Just don't try and delude yourself if that's not the case. Best of luck.

[chamachama]

I don't expect long drawn out dialogues either. It's moreso "How are you doing? What's have you been up to lately?"

 

That is seen as pathetic and not at all attractive to a dumper. He will see straight through that. You are pining for him and he knows it. You're pushing him farther away with those questions. He knows you want him still. And you are doing exactly what he knew you would do. Which just validates his reasoning for breaking things off with you. You are asking "hi how are you?? You are doing nothing at all there but crush any hope of getting back with him, and you are also hurting yourself by halting your healing process.

 

And he is not your friend. You have romantic feelings for him. You're fooling yourself there as well. And you aren't fooling him at all... Realize that every time you say "Hi how are you? He most likely thinks to himself "awww poor brigirl... she just can't get over the greatness that is me. How pathetic... I wonder if I need to distance myself from her to get the point accross that I don't want to be with her anymore.."

 

Once you start caring about YOU and stop renting him so much space in your head... you will see that no contact is the much wiser option. But you need to go NC for yourself and nobody else. Once you decide that you're worth not hurting yourself anymore, you'll decide no contact is the best option to go with. But you need to start caring about yourself first. And less about a guy who doesn't want to be with you...

[brigirl92]

1. The funny thing is pretty much 100% he's the one who checks in on me and I respond, so you don't need to paint this narrative of him thinking why he should stay broken up with me cause I'm clinging onto him. You're implying that I'm trying to reel him in to communicate with me and as a result he's pushing me away. That isn't the case at all. Our choice to communicate is mutual.

 

2. Like I've mentioned in my post I've done plenty things to better myself in the last two weeks that I've done in a while. I dont feel the need to build back any self worth or pride as I don't feel depleted in those areas. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

 

3. Yes my ex was right for breaking up with me. Like I said we both have depression and that caused a strain on our relationship. That's not my or his fault for the chemical imbalance going on inside of us. Not being in a relationship has alleviated some stress and just being friends is working for US. Not everyone fits in the standard dumper/dumpee narrative. Yeah he was the one who broke up with me, but we both knew at one time or another our relationship was fading away. We're better as friends.

 

4. You keep speaking of this box I need to move from so my ex can see me in a different light. That's not my job to make someone see me in a different light. It's my job to be me and people can see me how they want to see me. This ideology is very ex centered. How does one get over an ex if you are so tied up in what light they see you in?

 

Yes I made that post about missing him, WHILE I was trying to not contact him. So be it. I've reflected back on that many of times and realized me being human, a creature of habit, I moreso miss the the comfort that comes with a long term habit, than I do the actual relationship. It was a great relationship, even all the way up to the end. Like I said, no one's case fits in a neat little box of NC. You have to know every aspect of a situation to assess it, or it just becomes an assumption which is what this is. Communicating is working for us and that's my choice.

[KelCee]

This person almost seems like a drug to you. Sorry, but it seems that way when you say "cold turkey". But that's what it is. Like you're trying to wean yourself from him gradually--or maybe you'll get back together? (Doubt that) That's what a break up is. It's harsh, I know. But, You stop seeing the other person. It's over. It took me years to figure it out--I was married--but still, it does take time for it to sink it, especially after a long time (or what you consider to be a long time). You're doing what feels right, but still you are suffering. Either way you're gonna get suffering. Breaking up sucks. Everyone does it in their own way. You're smart for coming here and having everyone help you and show you from a different angle what each of us thinks about what you've told us already. You have to do what's best for you, but you also need to look at it from a different perspective.

 

I tend to over think stuff. It drives me nuts. I should leave things simple, but no, I have to complicate matters by flying off the handle. Those are one of my flaws I have to work on. Getting other POV's helps a lot!

 

I think you just need to get this person out of your system. That's really all it boils down to, TBQH. Once you get that guy out of your hair, the better off you'll be, IMHO. Just keep thinking instead: What good is all this doing for me? How can I move forward from this? What is it that I've been putting off that I'd really like to do?

 

Good luck and things do have a way of working out.

[chamachama]

If you don't respond, the breakup becomes real to him. When you do respond, then he gets to use you as a crutch until he finds someone to replace you. Once he does.... you may find yourself unhealed, wounded big time, and him completely and utterly gone from your life (i.e. NC forced upon you). Sometimes that's just what it takes though...

 

The only reason I mention the box and color thing is if you are in denial and thinking contact will eventually lead to him taking you back. It won't. In fact, it will do quite the opposite... RE: the box analogy.

 

Good luck to you though. I hope contact helps you however you think it is.

[brigirl92]

That is seen as pathetic and not at all attractive to a dumper. He will see straight through that. You are pining for him and he knows it. You're pushing him farther away with those questions. He knows you want him still. And you are doing exactly what he knew you would do. Which just validates his reasoning for breaking things off with you. You are asking "hi how are you?? You are doing nothing at all there but crush any hope of getting back with him, and you are also hurting yourself by halting your healing processs.

 

Pathetic? Cause I'm the one asking these questions? I'm not. Again, worrying about looking pathetic and attractive to my ex is very ex centered. Why would I care if he finds me unattractive? We're not dating anymore. Like I've said a billion times, I keep an open line of communication, but he's the bone who usually asks how I'm doing. So how is that pathetic on my part?

 

And he is not your friend. You have romantic feelings for him. You're fooling yourself there as well. And you aren't fooling him at all... Realize that every time you say "Hi how are you? He most likely thinks to himself "awww poor brigirl... she just can't get over the greatness that is me. How pathetic... I wonder if I need to distance myself from her to get the point accross that I don't want to be with her anymore.."

 

How does one feel like they need to distance themself from me, when he checks in on me most of the time? "The greatness that is me" It's great that you know he's narcissistic. I hope you know sarcasm also.

 

Once you start caring about YOU and stop renting him so much space in your head... you will see that no contact is the much wiser option. But you need to go NC for yourself and nobody else. Once you decide that you're worth not hurting yourself anymore, you'll decide no contact is the best option to go with. But you need to start caring about yourself first. And less about a guy who doesn't want to be with you...

 

Lol, my ex doesn't want to be with me for good reason. Not every relationship ends because some narcissistic dumper dumps someone and strings their dumpee along. Not my case here. Him taking initiative to end our relationship showed me he cared more about my well being than continuing a failing relationship with me. Again, depression had a lot to do with this not some crappy guy who left me high and dry selfishly for his on needs. Maybe if that were the case I'd be all for NC. Thanks for the assumptions though.

[brigirl92]

The only reason I mention the box and color thing is if you are in denial and thinking contact will eventually lead to him taking you back. It won't. In fact, it will do quite the opposit

 

Where did I say wanted my ex back? Again, thats an assumption.

[chamachama]

Where did I say wanted my ex back? Again, thats an assumption.

 

I said "IF" you wanted him back. Usually people who can't go not contact want their ex back. If you don't then so be it. You say you miss him. Said you can't stop thinking about him every day. It does sound like want him back. But if you don't then why are you posting about him like this? What's the issue then? You are totally cool with the breakup and you're loving life without him right? Great! That's wonderful=)

 

Hey if you are truly over him already and you don't want him back at all and you just want to be his pal bud bff? All the power to you... If you have no romantic feelings for him at all and you see him as just your friend then hell.... contact away.

 

However, if you are fooling yourself and crying when no ones looking and checking is FB and trying to maintain while he contacts you.... Then Houston we have a problem. Then you're in denial. And yes, NC is the best path to take for yourself.

[brigirl92]

There is no one solution to healing. If you truly are getting better good for you. Just don't try and delude yourself if that's not the case. Best of luck.

Thank you. I'm definitely getting better. I'm not trying to delude myself. That's what somehow got me/us to this point lol. I'm just trying to stay true to myself and do what works for me.

[brigirl92]

I did say that I missed him. And I answered why I said that in my original reply to you. Keyword is usually meaning not everyone. Logistically speaking, getting back with my ex isn't even choice since we now live 14 hours apart. Distance was a another reason we broke up, and I'm not a fan of long distance. I simply wanted to post why I felt NC isn't working for us. That is all. I will continue contact cause that's working for me.

[chamachama]

Sounds like your situation is a bit different then the usual RE: the distance thing. Hey if its helping you then its helping you. I don't know maybe 14 hour distance sort of gives you NC in your mind in a weird way... Hey I hope you find peace and I hope it all works out for you. Sorry if I misinterpreted things in your posts. I'm at work... I shouldn't be doing this anyway lol.

[pippy longstocking]

darling you will do ...what you need to do ... don't dismiss what the other fabulous posters are saying .... cos you know they are all talking from painful experience ..it's a hard road to travel and you will do this until there comes a time when you simply stop ....

[brigirl92]

Thank you Kelcee. I don't see him as a drug, but I do agree it did feel really bad cutting ties with someone who you care about. But I think it's a safe assumption that we all feel that feeling at the beginning process of a breakup. Our comfortable routine and habit has now been disturbed and as humans we hate that. I over think things also, which is why I decided to join this forum so I can get different perspectives. I doubt we'll get back together as there is now roughly 1000 miles of distance between us when he got a new job. I'm doing what feels right for me at the moment. It sucks cause you never know if something is truly good or bad for you until hindsight comes to play. I'm going with my gut on this. I have thought of those questions you've mentioned before, and they're great to assess this situation. With all things considered, I think the open line of communication is working for me. Knock on wood, if it blows up in my face, I'll be back on here asking for brand new advice lol. But hopefully not.

[brigirl92]

I appreciate your advice and I accept the apology. Everyone blindly siding with me wouldn't help at all. I need opposing views to fully assess my situation and find what truly works for me. Sorry for interrupting work lol.

[brigirl92]

I'm definitely not dismissing what anyone says on here. I wouldn't have took the time to post on here if I didn't want to hear or learn from everyone's experiences hopefully it will all work out in the end for me and for everyone on here.

[pippy longstocking]

I'm definitely not dismissing what anyone says on here. I wouldn't have took the time to post on here if I didn't want to hear or learn from everyone's experiences hopefully it will all work out in the end for me and for everyone on here.

 

I hope so too darling ...I have made every mistake in the book throughout my dating life ..and done what I feel is right for me ..I often read things and wince , thinking , I wish I knew this 15 years ago haha ...it is a all a journey , that's how I see it ..and again I say ..you have to do what you feel is right .

[greta96]

I really don't think it's doing you any good in the long run, because yes, maintaining contact can definitely help you feel better in the moment, short term, but it also masks the pain you would feel if he was completely out of your life, so it sort of alters and delays your "mourning the relationship" process. You feel better because you know you'll hear from him in a few days. It's like a band aid on a bad wound, it makes it feel slightly better but it doesn't heal the wound.

 

You won't get to really feel the loss of the relationship until you cut all ties completely.

Have you ever asked yourself how you will feel if one day he messages you that he's going on a date with someone else? What about if he tells you that he has to cut contact, because his new girlfriend has a problem with him talking to his ex?

 

You need to look farther than "here and now". Think long term. And long term, what you're doing isn't helpful to yourself, it just sets you up for more hurt and disappointment.

[brigirl92]

Thank you for the advice. Honestly I have thought of your first question in which I answered in the original post. I think of him with someone else and honestly don't feel any way about it. I haven't thought of your second question yet. Initially, I wouldn't like that tbh. But her status as his girlfriend would trump mine being a friend. I can't lie, it would be a tough pill to swallow. That does give me a new perspective to look at. I do agree that it appears that I'm prolonging the feeling of letting go of our relationship. But I personally do not feel that way. Again thank for your advice and I will definitely reassess with your second question in mind. I agree I do need to look at now AND the future. I've thought of both, but you're second question let's me know I need to look some more into the future.

[Brokenhart84]

Everyone has to learn from their experiences. If he abruptly stops contact with you. You are going to have a hard time. It feels good right now. I felt the same way.

 

However, if you are ready to move on with your life and not think about being with your ex. Maybe NC is not for you.