I'm at my wits end.

[rosiepiter]

I just got back from a visit with my boyfriend and I find myself seriously rethinking our relationship.

 

He and I have had our issues and I usually try and see things his way, but now I find myself rapidly falling out of love for him. I feel like he treats me with little respect and I'm now trying to pluck up the courage to break up with him.

 

First, a little background. I'm 26 and he's 31. We live almost 4 hours apart and I usually visit him once a month on average. We have known each other for several years and used to be very off and on. This was due in large part to his lack of commitment and his poor treatment of me. I would always find flirtatious and sexual texts from other women, and he would often make me feel like I was crazy for suspecting anything. Admittedly, he is very good at emotional manipulation. Very good at seeming like a nice guy to others, but as I have gotten to know him over the course of 7 years, I finally realize how manipulative and emotionally unstable he is and how much I wish I would have ended our relationship long, long ago.

 

However it has been over a year since he stopped his philandering. He got into a bad wreck a month ago, flipping his car 5 times. He walked away with a few muscle injuries, but no broken bones or anything. He says this has given him a new perspective on life and he has vowed to marry me and treat me better. He may have stopped seeing other women, but he has certainly NOT treated me any better.

 

the best example I can think of as to his treatment with me, is this: whenever I go to see him, he will usually keep me up at night in order to spend more time with me.

He will wake me up from a dead sleep and either wants to talk or have sex. I have tried my best to be understanding of his needs, and in the past, I would have happily complied. But I'm not 19 anymore and all I want to do sometimes is get a good night's rest. When I tell him how tired I am and that I just want to go back to sleep, he will take extreme offense. If I ever refuse sex with him, he then seems to think that I don't love or desire him like I used to. I will admit, our relationship baggage has made me very weary over the years and I can say with certainty that I don't have as much patience for him as I used to. But he will get so mad at me for just wanting to get some sleep that he will kick me out of the bed. When I confront him the day after, he will always say that he was "just kidding" and to not take what he says so seriously. This is his excuse for anything mean or insensitive he says. He has adopted this method of what he calls "tough love" for me, and when I tell him that I just want to get some sleep or when I cry about things, he just tells me to act like an adult and suck it up.

 

"if you love me, you wouldn't be so concerned with getting enough sleep while you're here".

"you're never going to make it through school if you can't survive on 3 or 4 hours of sleep!"

"you can sleep as much as you want when you get home. I want to spend as much time with you as possible while you're here"

 

I work nights, and this time I left one night early. I like to get home the night before I work in order to get enough sleep for my next shift. It's more convenient for me this way, as I feel like driving the 4 hours and then having to get ready for work when I get home leaves me feeling drained.

He is currently mad at me that I didn't stay the extra night with him and just leave in the morning. He is so hurt about it that he won't even really talk to me over the phone. I sent him a text saying that I thought he was being very immature about this. He replied with:

 

"I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I don't really care actually.I'm so hurt that you wouldn't stay with me for another night when you had every option to do so. In fact, I think that shows a lot about your character."

 

Am I really in the wrong here? If I am, PLEASE tell me. I have lost all patience with this man. I care about him, but I really feel like he's being immature and selfish about this.

[faraday]

Yeah...he sounds obnoxious. I think you can do better.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Willywagtail]

I will admit, our relationship baggage has made me very weary over the years and I can say with certainty that I don't have as much patience for him as I used to.

 

This ^^.

 

I'm sorry, but you've described a relationship that sounds like it's been a massive effort:

 

1. LDR that's 'on/off'

2. Treats you with little respect

3. Emotional manipulation

4.Philandering

5. Wakes you to have sex when you're tired

6. Makes it your fault when you say no

7. Little empathy for your feelings

8. Can't see how his behavior plays a role in the dynamic between you.

 

Have I summarized it correctly?

 

You're right, he's immature and entitled. His behavior is that of a petulant 6 year old child. I suspect you've enabled his behavior by putting up with it and not setting strong boundaries, but that's another matter.

 

No, you're not in the wrong here. He's hard work and he drains you.

 

Trust your gut - he's not a good prospect for a marriage partner, I would suggest!

[abitbroken]

I would break up with him. Definitely don't marry this guy, either. He is making YOU feel like you are nuts or unreasonable, or is trying to. He is manipulative and also very passive aggressive. I bet you go see him once a month and he doesn't reciprocate either. I would get anything of value you have over at his place (which i doubt is anything, as you only go there once a month), and end it for your own sanity. He gave you a big opening to break up with him based on his last text to you, btw. After you break up = i would take plenty of time for myself without another ban because after this, your brain might need a rest and might be a little scrambled about what positive treatment is.

[rosiepiter]

Thank you all for your insight. And NOT just because you're telling me I'm in the right.

 

I fully relaize that I have been enabeling his behavior. I take full responsibility for my part in all this.

My big problem is that in December, I agreed to move back in with him. I initially said I would do this in march, but I am living with my sister and her boyfriend, and they asked if I would wait until april, as they would need some time to find another roommate to pay my part of the rent.I felt like this was a reasonable request, so I complied.

My boyfriend was extremely mad that I wanted to wait another month. He basically told me that I was just stalling because I was afraid of what my family would think if I moved back in with him. He isn't wrong, but he also doesn't seem to fully sympathize with how hard it is for me to move in with him again. My entire family hates him because, whenever I would break up with him or whenever he would do something hurtful, I would go to my mother for advice. Bad idea, I know. I don't have many friends, and my family is a huge part of my life, so I would always go to them for support. Well, they have expressed their concern over me moving back in with him, and I admit that I am very afraid to admit to the rest of my family that I was planning to give him yet ANOTHER chance. By the way, he often reminds me of how mad he still is that I "aired our dirty laundry" to my family. He says he takes responsibility for causing our break ups, but says he blames me for my family hating him. I suppose that makes sense in a way, but I am quick to remind him that if he hadn't hurt me so many times in the first place, then they wouldn't hate him. I stopped telling my family ANYTHING negative concerning our relationship a year ago. I've learned my lesson there.

 

The straw that broke the camel's back was when we went to visit his mother yesterday. His mother and I have always gotten along.

He had been particularly mean to me that day and I admit that I wasn't in the best of moods (he had woken me up continuously throughout the night)

As we are all chatting, his mother bring up my impending move back to his house. He then says that he doesn't think I will even move in with him, since I "keep pushing back the date and stalling for more time". He said right in front of his mother, with ME right there in the room:

 

"I just don't trust her to actually go through with it, if you want to know the truth. She may seem sweet, but you don't know how deceitful and conniving she can be"

 

I was floored. I gave him a look of pure seething anger, and all he could do was smirk. That was what made me completely rethink EVERYTHING. After that moment, I realized that I actually kind of hate him now. He seemed to think I was hiding something from him about moving, and that's why he felt the need to say that. I told him how mad that made me, but his reply was, "you have no right to be mad. You have no trouble talking bad about me to your family about our problems"

 

of course, I tried to have a mature conversation about how the 2 situations are vastly different, but he just wouldn't hear about it. I actually got so frustrated that I started crying. He was appalled that I would be so "immature and dramatic" about an issue that he genuinely thinks is no big deal. He is also under the impression that his mother is on his side.

 

At this point, I am completely checked out. I just want to be free. I don't want another relationship for a long, loooong time. I haven't officially told him I am breaking up with him yet, but I will tomorrow when I get some sleep. I don't want to hurt him, as I know how emotionally unstable he is and I'm afraid he might threatened suicide, as he has done so in the past. I realize that most people would never put up with a person like him, and my only regret is how much time I have wasted on him.

[infectedpsy]

Sounds like he's gaslighting you.

[shellyf62]

He treats you terribly. He sounds like a major douche bag.

 

If I were you I would break up with him & block his number so he cant contact you anymore. Then go and have a lovely warm bubble bath & sleep for as long as you like !!!!!!!!

[newseeker]

I'm hoping you'll have dumped him by the time you read this.

 

It will just get worse if you commit to him - once he's 'got' you for sure, that's his pass to do as he pleases.

 

Block him: every social media site, phone number, email. Send any stuff of his you have back to him.

 

You can do so much better for yourself.

[rosiepiter]

After this last visit, the thought of him being my husband scares the crap out of me.

He can be decent, like make food for me or ask me if I want or need anything. But, then most of the time he seems so critical and downright mean.

He will make the rudest comment about myself or my family, and then when I call him out on it, he insists that he was only joking and that I'm way too serious and sensitive.

He must have offered me his anti anxiety medication 5 times while I was there, because he believes I "need to relax". He had the gall to tell me that he seriously thought I needed professional help when I started crying. GOD...

[Willywagtail]

It only gets worse as you tell us more.

 

All that stuff he puts on you is projection (he's actually the a-hole, not you), and the previous poster that suggested gaslighting is absolutely right.

 

Look up some forums that talk about narcissistic personality disorder. It's not my place yo 'diagnose' but he doing heaps of the things that narcissists do in relationships. That quip he made to his mother about you deserved a kick up the butt. You should have called him out on it loudly- regardless of whether he tells you he's just joking.

 

You're absolutely mental, or will go mental if you marry him. The only way you can help yourself is to get out now.

 

Thank God it's a LDR. At least you won't have to see him once it's done!

 

PS Your entire family hates him - doesn't this tell you something?

[rosiepiter]

Of course it does. I know I may seem like an idiot, but I assure you, I'm not.

I have just tried to ignore these things over the years because I cared about him.

He's one of those people who can be so charming, funny and caring...to a certain point.

But I have realized that he's a deeply damaged emotional wreck.

He once told me that it's "my job" to tell him what he's doing wrong.

"I can't change if you don't help me."

When I tell him that he is mentally abusive and treats me badly, he always asks for specific evidence.

I gave him the example of not allowing me enough sleep, and he scoffed and told me that it was a ridiculous reason to think he's a jerk.

"you're the jerk for not staying awake and spending as much time with me as possible"

The leaps he makes in order to try and convince me he's right and I'm the abusive one are almost miraculous.

[Willywagtail]

I know I may seem like an idiot, but I assure you, I'm not.

 

Apologies, I did not at any point think you're an idiot ... the question about your family was really a rhetorical one, because family can, so often, see what we don't. (I've been in this position. My family really disliked my ex, but tried to like him because I loved him. Love often is not the most realistic lens through which to view people!)

 

The leaps he makes in order to try and convince me he's right and I'm the abusive one are almost miraculous.

 

Look up NPD. You'll find many similarities. It's always about them, they are the entitled ones, and they never, never, never are to blame for anything. It's always, always, always you ....

[rosiepiter]

no, I'm sorry. I've become pretty quick on the defensive these days. You're absolutely right. He would always say that our "relationship problems" are none of my family's business haha.

Whenever I have gone to my family for advice, they have always been on my side. At first, I believed it was because I was truly in the right. Then, as time went on, he had me believing that my family always took my side because they were biased against him and that I was in the wrong for "airing our dirty laundry". So, basically, he wanted to keep our problems between the two of us, with me not getting any outside perspective on his behavior. I can only imagine what my life would have been like had I actually married him.

[WithLove]

I do think may you had been a little insensitive about the sleep thing, since you only visit him once a month. I mean, you can sleep more once you go back home.

 

That being said, everything else in this relationship is a disaster. He's taking advantage of every little thing that goes wrong in your relationship and turning it against you. He's even turned your views about your family against you. Honey, you can't get out of there quickly enough. Good luck!!!

[faraday]

I do think may you had been a little insensitive about the sleep thing, since you only visit him once a month. I mean, you can sleep more once you go back home.

 

That being said, everything else in this relationship is a disaster. He's taking advantage of every little thing that goes wrong in your relationship and turning it against you. He's even turned your views about your family against you. Honey, you can't get out of there quickly enough. Good luck!!!

 

Yeah, but reverse that. "My bf comes to visit me once a month, and he wants to sleep when he visits! So I wake him up 3-4 times a night, because WTH? He shouldn't be sleeping. I wake him up to tell him how much I miss him when he's gone, and when I force myself on him at 3 am, he gets annoyed. Doesn't he love me?"

 

If the OP was waking up her bf in the middle of the night, we would be telling her to get help.

 

This is not normal behavior.

[WithLove]

I agree with that too, but I feel like this probably happens every time the OP visits. I think sometimes you make concessions for the people you love - giving up sleep to be intimate with your partner is natural and, in this case, a rarity.

[1a1a]

Love is not enough, dump this mofo and be freeeeeeeeeee.

[rosiepiter]

I usually wake up for him if he wants sex. He had kept me up the night before and I had gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep altogether. He's a night owl and seems to function well from little sleep, but I don't. I get that he wants to spend more time with me, but waking me up in the middle of the night to talk? getting so angry with me when I politely tell him I'm exhausted and would like to go back to sleep? That doesn't seem normal and is downright disrespectful. So when I'm tired and grumpy from his attitude and I have him constantly telling me that I "sleep too much" and there is something seriously wrong with me for being mad at him about all this, that's enough to make me mad all day.

[abitbroken]

I agree with that too, but I feel like this probably happens every time the OP visits. I think sometimes you make concessions for the people you love - giving up sleep to be intimate with your partner is natural and, in this case, a rarity.

 

Someone who sleeps 12 hours in someone's presence is unreasonable - you gear up for your visit and plan to be well rested before - but a person who wants more than 4 hours of sleep is reasonable to refuse sex, especially if the other party had the chance for talking and sex, but decided that they didn't want those 20 awake hours and ONLY wanted those sleeping hours to talk and have sex during. Poking someone to wake up when they only have had four hours of sleep the whole night is a bit childish and rude. Just because it is a rarity to be in someone's bed, doesn't mean you have to 'perform" at any time they want to during a 48 or 72 hour period. That is when the other party is rude and self centered.

[rosiepiter]

Someone who sleeps 12 hours in someone's presence is unreasonable - you gear up for your visit and plan to be well rested before - but a person who wants more than 4 hours of sleep is reasonable to refuse sex, especially if the other party had the chance for talking and sex, but decided that they didn't want those 20 awake hours and ONLY wanted those sleeping hours to talk and have sex during. Poking someone to wake up when they only have had four hours of sleep the whole night is a bit childish and rude. Just because it is a rarity to be in someone's bed, doesn't mean you have to 'perform" at any time they want to during a 48 or 72 hour period. That is when the other party is rude and self centered.

 

I feel badly that I hurt him, but after years of giving into his every demand, I've become tired and more than a little resentful. When I left, he basically threw a temper tantrum. Telling me he wouldn't answer my calls and was pouting in bed. He even went to far as to joke that "karma" would get me and I would crash on the way home. He likes to joke around a lot, but that went a bit too far. I just laughed, told him I loved him and left. His entire attitude just makes me want to not be around him anymore. He sent me a text this morning saying that I'm a cold, insecure and hateful person. "Screw hanging out with you!" I told him to think what he wants about me. I'm out for good this time.

[Willywagtail]

The sleeping thing is not the issue. The issue is he's an insensitive tool and his insensitivity to the OP's needs is a red flag.

 

He even went to far as to joke that "karma" would get me and I would crash on the way home. He likes to joke around a lot, but that went a bit too far. I just laughed, told him I loved him and left. His entire attitude just makes me want to not be around him anymore. He sent me a text this morning saying that I'm a cold, insecure and hateful person. "Screw hanging out with you!"

 

People like this drain you of every little bit of energy; they want to talk to you when they want, they want to wake you when they want, they want to have sex with you when they want. It's a no-brainer as far as I am concerned - let him go (he'll fight and plead and try to insinuate his way into your life again), you absolutely deserve better.

[reinventmyself]

After this last visit, the thought of him being my husband scares the crap out of me.

He can be decent, like make food for me or ask me if I want or need anything. But, then most of the time he seems so critical and downright mean.

He will make the rudest comment about myself or my family, and then when I call him out on it, he insists that he was only joking and that I'm way too serious and sensitive.

He must have offered me his anti anxiety medication 5 times while I was there, because he believes I "need to relax". He had the gall to tell me that he seriously thought I needed professional help when I started crying. GOD...

 

I highlighted the only positive thing you can come up with on this guy. .Surely you realize you deserve better?! "he can be decent??" Don't for abusive but can be `decent' at times.

[WithLove]

Have you ended it?

[rosiepiter]

yes, I ended it a few hours ago. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, that we don't belong together and he can think what he wants about me.

As he usually does when things like this happen, I'm sure he will contact me again and tell me he misses me and all that. He always does, eventually.

Only this time, I'm too tired and resentful to miss him back. I care about him deeply, but I know he's not good for me and I will be happy being free.

[Willywagtail]

Good for you!

 

Now stick to your guns. Reread your posts her if you have to.