Dumpers, NC, and birthdays?

[a.d.c.]

I was wondering do most dumpers hold at least some expectations that their ex's will call them on their birthday even if there has been no contact in at least a month or two?

 

AND for anyone who was a dumper, how did you take it when you received no contact from your ex on your birthday?

 

Did you care? Did you feel like they were moving on and weren't interested in any kind of relationship with you anymore since they didn't bother to contact you?

 

Did it make you think about previous "happy" birthdays that you had spent with that person and special things they had done for you back then?

 

OR did it not affect you at all??

 

 

I'm wondering because my ex's birthday is on the 19th and I've decided not to send anything at all. I was thinking about it but some of you guys on here helped me change my mind and made me realise that it was a bad idea in my circumstance.

 

Our last talk about 2 months ago didn't end on bad terms at all but I don't feel like I have any reason to honor her birthday since we're not together. PLUS she hasn't made any effort to contact me.

 

I know I shouldn't think about it but I wonder if it'll even faze her at all. I have a strange feeling that she's expecting me to break contact on her birthday and call her.

 

Oh well, it doesn't matter since my mind is made up already and she won't get the satisfaction if that's indeed what she's expecting me to do.

[melrich]

Yeah I think if you were in a long relationship (a year plus) then you would expect acknowledgement. I don't think you need to call, definitely don't buy a present. I would just text "Happy Birthday. Best wishes" nothing more.

[a.d.c.]

I'm sorry I meant to put this in ex boyfriend/girlfriend relationships not in the healing forum. Maybe a mod can fix this. Thanks.

 

BTW thanks for the reply Richgabe I'll reply back later but I'm gonna be late for work now.

[Bibora]

I don't know if i should wait or not for it. Wasn't a long relationship but was intense...

But at the same time, something tells me she will. May be wrong.

But whatever comes won't affect me.

The way she reacts to my birthday will be exactly the same way ill react to hers. Simply as that.

[Enn]

I wouldn't do it at all.

 

My ex (who treated me horribly before dumping me) broke contact after two months to text me at Christmas and then again at New Year. I loathed him for it. I felt it was utterly cowardly and did nothing but upset me.

 

But...if you're on good terms I imagine it's different.

[Enn]

I wouldn't do it at all.

 

My ex (who treated me horribly before dumping me) broke contact after two months to text me at Christmas and then again at New Year. I loathed him for it. I felt it was utterly cowardly and did nothing but upset me.

 

But...if you're on good terms I imagine it's different.

[Hells_Fairy]

I was actually wondering the same thing. My birthday is on the 2nd and my daughters is on the 6th. We were together for 3 1/2 years and we also have a son. Should I feel disappointed if he doesn't call and tell me happy birthday? My b-day falls on Wednesday and those are the nights that he is supposed to call and I wonder if he is going to say something...

Well? Opinions anyone?

[a.d.c.]

Well I went out with my ex for about 2 and half years.

I did tell her not to call me for the holidays and she didn't. But I figure if she really cared, she would've at least sent a small text message regardless of what I said. But she didn't even do that.

 

I had thought about sending her a birthday card but

 

1. I have nothing to gain from it

2. It could be taken the wrong way

3. It could end up hurting me more if I expect something like a call

4. I feel I've put in too much effort after she broke up with me and her none

5. If she wanted to call she would do it anytime not just cuz she received a card form me.

6. I'd be breaking NC and my word

 

In my situation, the Cons outnumber the Pros big time.

I think about her well being but I think about mine more. Better her possibly feeling upset than me cuz I'm tired of feeling down over the whole mess.

[hecka_bekah]

I think if you're getting all flustered about it it may mean you're not ready to contact her. Don't feel bad about her not contacting you during the holidays since you told her not to contact you. She is respecting your wishes. My ex said goodbye so I took it as a sign not to try to talk to him. I didn't talk to him during the holidays and now I still don't want to because I don't want to go against his word. And if he contacted me I would know that he actually wants to. By not contacting me he either has no intentions of talking to me or he just doesn't want baggage right now since our break up was recent (over a month ago). Either way if I talk to him, memories of the break up will come to his mind and I don't want to be remembered in that way.

 

Can you believe we play these games?? If I were in his situation I would have fixed the problem, but I can't force him to try! We cannot read our exs minds even though we try so hard to. Honestly, if you truly want to say "Happy Birthday", setting everything aside and with no strings attached then go ahead and tell her. You know if you're ready or not.

 

I've been tempted more than once to contact my ex. Last night I actually thought of a simple e-mail to send him, but didn't send it since I had given myself more time to think about it. I thought that if we are to see eachother in a positive light in the future, then I need to preserve what is left by not contacting him until I feel ready to. And then it won't hurt me to say hello. Breaking the NC would not matter to me because it wouldn't been seen as a game anymore since my feelings would be gone. But now I still need to get over him and not contacting him is the best way to forget about the hurt of the break up (and it's the same for the ex).

 

If you feel like you're still playing that game then you need more time to heal even if her birthday is soon. She would want you to truly mean it. And if it hurts her, tell her in time why you chose not to. She should understand.

[Kaia]

I agree with hecka_bekah completely.

I'm very annoyed with my ex right now because he emailed me, breaking NC. So I agree with your con list.

[zup]

Hmm...how about a text message after the birthday has passed? Then it doesn't show you care very much because it passed, but you didn't forget. ;-) A nice mixed message? 8) Good? Bad? My ex's bday is coming up and I want to do something, but I know I shouldn't, but....

[FleX]

My b-day is coming up. I have no expectations for her to call or e-mail me, that's plain stupid. If in any case she does try to make contact, I will take it was a joke and laugh it off. She has hurt me twice in the past. Never again will I fall for her tricks. If I acknowledge her I would be easing her guilt, and that would be an insult to my manhood. Let her live the rest of her life knowing she missed out. It would be detrimental to my self-esteem to waste my time on someone who doesn't want me. Don't sit around moping and wishing for that person to call you back. Esp, if that person is the dumper you should have respect and cut them off completely. Life is short, I plan on only giving my time to people who show me affection and value what I have to say.

 

Nevertheless my birthday will consist of friends, family and a special someone that has caught me eye.

[katiekate1982]

Hello,

 

Don't do it! Just pretend its just another day, I know its hard, but it will only make things worse. Just don't do it

[kipster]

I wouldn't do it, although I did do it in the past. Doesn't work, let it go. I sent the EX a B-day card about 4-5 months post-break-up but it generated more questions than answers considering that she sent me a B-day card, but my B-day occurs after hers so you don't know the person's intention (I didn't open the card anyway, I threw it out).

 

Needless to say I've never sent her another card or contacted her explicitly since then. They're your EX for a reason, no need to send a person a card that doesn't want to be with you. A tremendous waste of energy that is bound to bring you more pain than joy. If they were with you for a long time, they know where to find you and how to reach you like an adult. If not, its not worth it...I'd send NADA...ZERO...ZILCH..

[zup]

Today is my ex's bday. Left me for another guy 1 month ago. 3 weeks of NC so far. I checked to see if she was on AIM and she is and not idle. I logged on just to see if she was online. I want to message her so bad and say Happy Birthday, but I must keep doing NC. I know it will hurt if I message her like everyone has said so far. I just hope I'm making the right move here and she and her friends won't think any less of me because they thought I forgot or am mad. I didn't forget. Then again she was the one who left me so.... I'm just trying to move on, I'm not mad at you. That is what my ex would want I think. Ok this is my evidence I didn't forget. To my ex: I'm so sorry you put me into this situation. Maybe you'll see this message one day.

 

Even more sad: When I was in the "I want you back" stage I bought 2 of the best bday gifts ever for her. I found this spectacular BoA Heartland Tour Concert 2004 DVD and an Origami Boulder. I suppose there really isn't any point in giving these to her. If she's just trying to get over me, then she'll just store them away like I have with her things.

[helpneeded]

erm....i would say we've broken up. this was the night before last. but we're meant 2 be friends. i can't tell who initiated it either. so i dunno if i'm dumper/dumpee. there was NC yesterday and so far 2day. it's her birthday next week. i bought her present before hand and am still planning 2 give it to her. i don't c what is wrong with that if we're friends.

 

i'm just wondering when i'll hear from her?! i know she's travelling at the moment.

i'm so tempted to text her just to say 'hope ur ok' but i'm trying 2 resist.

[Foz]

my ex broke up with me 5 months ago and i didnt ackowledge his birthday (beginning of Dec) or christmas and new years.

But on my birthday( mid jan) he sent me a bunch of flowers and a card!

Dont know what to make of that but there you go!

[helpneeded]

so did u say thanks and talk to him? or did u just blank him? the thing is.....my present was planned for both birthday AND val day.

[Foz]

sent a text saying thanks, he replied with glad you liked them. Then a week later he phoned to tell me he got a new job and he was going to be out of the country for 3 weeks. I said congrats on the job, good luck with your trip and since then i have been confused out of my mind as to what it all means. Is this him trying to redeem himself in my eyes or is this crawling back. If all it is, is him trying to redeem himself, i wish he had stayed at NC as it was helping me heal. now im back to wondering does all the contact mean he wants me back when maybe it means nothing of the sort!

[helpneeded]

sigh.......so how do we know which it is?! if she contacts me next week....is it cos we were great friends and we both always want 2 be or is it cos she misses me and wants me back!?! cos we both love each other. nothing went wrong in the relationship. neither of us did anything to make us stop our relationship. i will always love her and she will always love me. we both know that......so what now?! so do i need NC? what if she calls or texts? should i continue NC or do i answer?

[raccoon]

Granted, this is different for every situation, but my general rule regarding birthdays, etc., with regards to ex's is this:

 

The dumpee should do nothing to honor those days. This person broke up with you, hurt you, and you don't owe them anything. The only exception is if the dumper's birthday is very close to the time you broke up (depending on the relationship, within one or two months). That way, a birthday card (but nothing more) is simply a gesture that you are not holding a grudge. You are the better person. Anything more would be seen as clingy. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, they hurt yours far more.

 

The dumper should (though they rarely do) wish the dumpee a happy birthday or whatever significant day it is. To neglect to do so is thoughtless and only shows that you didn't care about the person. It's just the right thing to do. For the dumpee though - caller ID is a wonderful thing. Don't answer the phone, let them leave a message. Take it as a nice gesture and nothing more.

 

This manner of ettiquette only works when the breakup didn't involve cheating, abuse or some big blowout.

 

And since it's coming up, don't do anything for your ex on Valentine's Day. That is definitely not a day to reach out to your ex.

 

Just my thoughts.