Should I avoid the ex that I want back?

[csdude55]

BACKSTORY:

 

I'm talking about a girl with whom I had a short but VERY intense relationship. She worked at my favorite restaurant, so we started out as acquaintances, started hanging out in groups as friends, then eventually fell for one another. We talked every day, for hours, and said "I love you" to one another several times. And not just "bye, love ya", but the looking-deep-into-one-another's-eyes kind of "I love you".

 

She had kids with another man, though, and was being pressured to go back to the father by her family and church. She eventually broke up with me, and said things like "I really love you, but I'm afraid it's not going to work". The break up went for more than 2 weeks, and it was very emotional. I never got the feeling that she wanted to break up, but was trying to sacrifice for her children.

 

I saw her last on Dec 17, and she stopped texting me on Dec 18. On Jan 11 and 12, she sent me a few texts ("Hi!! How are you!!"), but after I responded on Jan 12, she hasn't logged back in to read my reply, and hasn't contacted me since.

 

CURRENT ISSUE:

 

She quit the restaurant where we met about a month before we broke up, to work at a different restaurant.

 

I recently discovered, though, that she was trying to get her job back at the restaurant where we met. She knows that I eat there at least 4 days a week. The owner of the restaurant actually told me that she was wanting to come back, and said it with a big smile on his face, like he thought it would make me happy. But I don't know how much he knows about our relationship; I never told him anything, so any info he has came from her.

 

Now, I'm a little bit confused on what to do. She could be wanting to come back to this restaurant because she knows she'll see me there... which would be a good sign. But she could be wanting to come back because, like mhowe said, she knows the people that work there and knows the routine... in which case, seeing me might actually be a concern for her.

 

Of course, she knows I go in the evenings, so if me being there is a deterrent then she could have always asked for day shift... but then again, with kids, maybe this wasn't an option.

 

I just learned (about an hour ago) that she's supposed to start back on Monday, which is a day that I have always gone to this restaurant.

 

So now, I'm in a conundrum. Do I go to the restaurant on Monday evening, like usual, and see her, let her wait in my table, etc? Or not go at all, in which case it will look like I'm obviously avoiding her?

 

If I do go on Monday and see her, how should I act? Happy to see her? Cool and a little reserved? Remember that this is someone I do want back in my life, but I have no idea if she's happy now or if she sees leaving me as a big mistake.

 

*** speaking of which... if she's happy with the father, I really don't want to get in the way. As much as I love her, the children do have to come first. But if she's not happy, or if he's still abusive, then I don't want her to feel stuck in the relationship without any options. This is a girl that I could honestly see myself marrying and raising her children like my own.

[mhowe]

These children have a father who will always be their father. They don't need you to raise them.

 

I think you need a new favorite restaurant

[csdude55]

These children have a father who will always be their father. They don't need you to raise them.

 

Mmm, kind of debatable. The last time she left the father, he never came to see the children or paid child support. So if they separate, with or without me in her life, odds are that they'll grow up without him as a father.

 

And with him being an abusive BF**, there's a debate on whether they would even want him in their life.

 

** When I say "abusive", I should point out that this is in my own opinion. I know that he is very controlling, doesn't let her have friends, tends to break her things when they're arguing, and has physically bruised her during an argument at least once by grabbing her arms and squeezing.

[mhowe]

Is she not back with him at the encouragement of family and church?

[csdude55]

Well, her mom, anyway. The rest of her family thinks she's an idiot for going back to him. But her mom is Pentecostal (she was also raised Pentecostal), which is a very strict denomination. They seem to believe that whatever the man says is gold, and if he beats her then it's her fault for provoking him.

[mhowe]

Is he beating her?

[SophieGrace]

It's not up to you to save her, and she told you it was over. I think it would be in your best interest, both mentally and emotionally, to set the intention to let go, close that door, and work on healing.

[csdude55]

Is he beating her?

 

No, I was using that as a general statement. But what I do know, from mutual friends as well as things she's told me over time:

 

1. He doesn't let her have friends.

 

2. He doesn't let her talk to her mom. Which is ironic since her mom encouraged her to go back to him, I know, but that comes back to the religious aspect. Her mom was unaware of me, too.

 

3. He doesn't let her have any money. She gets paid, and the check goes to him. This makes leaving almost impossible, since she can't put any money aside for rent or whatever.

 

4. If she goes anywhere, it's either with him or his dad, so she basically can't leave the house without supervision.

 

5. He reads her texts and private messages before allowing her to read them.

 

6. As I mentioned before, when they fight he tends to break her things. And at least once, during an argument he grabbed her arms and squeezed them, leaving bruises. She said he's never hit her, but he did raise his hand one time like he was about to hit her.

[mhowe]

She has left him once. If it isn't working out, she has the knowlededge to do it again. In addition, she voluntarily returned to him....regardless of the freedom she experienced with you. I think that you have to respect her right to decide her life...even if you don't agree with her choices.

[csdude55]

It's not up to you to save her, and she told you it was over. I think it would be in your best interest, both mentally and emotionally, to set the intention to let go, close that door, and work on healing.

 

Good point, Sophie. In my eyes, it's not so much about "saving her", though, as much as being there for emotional (and maybe financial) support when and if she's ready to leave him... especially if it means we can get back together. Well, I guess in retrospect maybe it is a little about saving her?

 

 

She has left him once. If it isn't working out, she has the knowlededge to do it again. In addition, she voluntarily returned to him....regardless of the freedom she experienced with you. I think that you have to respect her right to decide her life...even if you don't agree with her choices.

 

I completely, 100% agree. Which is why I'm in a little bit of a conundrum.

 

For all I know, she could be seeing this job as a way to see me again, and maybe trying to set the stage to leave him. I know that when I left my LTR, without any support at home it was next to impossible; I had to rely on you guys, here, for emotional support. She doesn't have any support at home, either, but she's coming back to a restaurant where her friends and family (cousins) pushed her HARD to leave him, and they all seem to want me and her to be back together. Now, whether she considered that when applying for the job... I don't know.

 

But I do want to support her, either way. It would actually be easier for me to move on if I could see that she's happy with him now; it would hurt at first, but at least I wouldn't be sitting around thinking that she's wishing she could be with me. But if she is happy, I don't want to accidentally cause a divide.

[csdude55]

I apologize if it seems like I'm being argumentative here. That's not intentional; this is just something I've wrestled with for awhile, and now that the time is here, I don't want to make a mistake. The simple fact here is that if she wants me back, then I want her back. But if she doesn't, then I want to leave this in the most positive way possible; not only for any future potential, but also because we have a lot of mutual friends, and this IS my favorite restaurant.

 

(Note, I also have a small financial interest in this restaurant, and am personal friends with the owner)

 

What I'm trying to figure out is how to come accross as friendly and supportive regardless of her decision, and making it at least somewhat clear that I'm open to being back with her... but without seeming stalkerish, desperate, or making her uncomfortable at work.

[Shane Falco]

Right now, you can't. It's up to her to want to get back with you and showing up at her place of employment is not the way to do it. Either go to the restaurant when she's not there or find another restaurant.

[Lucha]

Asking how you are and then not caring about the reply - clearcut motive: guilt. Look she chose the guy that is the father of her kids but supposedly doesnt treat her well.it's her choice. Respect it. You dont have to go out of your way to avoid her, but dont put in any effort to be neat her neither!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[csdude55]

Well, as always, there's a little more to that story, too, Lucha. But I don't know if I'm just seeing what I want to see.

 

Before, the father worked out of town, Sunday evening through Thursday night. So before they broke up and she and I were just friends, we could always talk pretty freely on those days. But of course, when he was in town (Thursday night through Sunday afternoon), we couldn't talk at all.

 

Since he checked her messages and texts, she always came to a website that I frequent (sort of like this one) to send me a private message.

 

When she sent me a message on Jan 11, it was on that site where we always talked. She apparently couldn't remember her old password, though, so she created a new account. This took a little bit of work, so it's not like she just sent me a quick text; she spent 5 or 10 minutes creating an account, then looking up my username.

 

The conversation went like this:

 

Her (Sunday, 2:53pm): Hii !! how are you!!

 

Me (Sunday, 5:13pm): Hey !! I'm great, how are you !!

 

Her (Monday, 11:03am): I'm great what have you been up to

 

Me (Monday, 4:22pm): How's your new job and everything going?

 

 

She hasn't logged in to read that last post, which did confuse me and hurt my feelings at first. But then later, I found out that the father had gotten fired from his job on that Monday, and hasn't worked since. So, I don't know if she didn't care enough to reply, or that it just can't be done. Before, he would physically take the phone and keep it, so that he could review and incoming calls or texts before letting her see them. She was only "allowed" to use it to call him while he was at work.

 

They always used to fight when he was home, too, and with him losing his job, I can't imagine the household isn't pretty stressed. In the time that I've known her, he's broken her phone twice during an argument, so it wouldn't shock me to find out that he broke her phone again, too.

 

She and I are still FB friends (but I never look at my News Feed and haven't looked at her page since December), but I just looked at her account, and the last update was Jan 12. So that's another possible clue that she either no longer has a phone, or he's keeping it.

 

A lot of speculation, sure, but it's all entirely possible. All I really know is that she initiated a seemingly excited conversation, then her husband lost his job and the conversation ended. And now, she's coming back to work at a place where she knows she'll see me. To me, it feels like she's trying to see me, but I'm worried that I'm over-thinking it, and that maybe working here was her LAST choice because of me. Or worse, I might not have even factored in to the decision at all.

[pippy longstocking]

darling , I would just eat some place else ...

 

and if she thinks you are avoiding her then so what .. start doing things to please you and what you want ..and not what everyone else wants and second guessing what they think ..you are number one ...

[csdude55]

Just a little more info...

 

This was one of her last messages to me during the break up:

 

I'm really sorry I shouldn't have gave u hope about us

being together but I think I was giving myself hopes to be finally

happy in my life but I have to be realistic I have kids their father loves them

And he's trying hard to make me happy idk how I'm going

to live with you what if people destroy our relationship

Idk I feel like its the right decision

I'm really sorry

 

(The underline emphasis was added by me)

 

After some back and forth, I mentioned that I wasn't OK with us breaking up at all, but she seemed OK with it. Her reply:

 

Its not that I'm OK with it I just need to decide once and for all

I really want to be with you but something tells me its not going to work and I'm scared of that so I'm going to continue my life and I hope everything turns out good

 

Anyway. A few minutes later, she said:

 

I'm sorry honey but you have to accept this. Its the end and we both have to continue our lives

 

My reply:

 

No. I don't accept it. There's no way you went from loving me yesterday to feeling nothing for me today.

 

She went silent for about 20 minutes, then her reply was:

 

I'm so sorry for everything I said. Can you please come be with me tonight?

 

Then about a minute later:

 

Wait no what am I saying we have to end this

 

So I didn't go to her that night, we just kept talking online. But it was comments like these that made moving on so hard: she kept saying that she really wanted to be with me, that she really loved me, that she was finally happy with me.

 

After the official break up, we kept talking for a few days, but I told her that I would never see her as just a friend. I said that I could try to pretend, but that's all it would be. She kept coming to the site to talk to me (she started getting up at 5:30am so she could talk to me before I went to bed).

 

About a week after the break up, she asked me if I could come pick her up at work and give her a ride home. I did, because at this point I was convinced that she was going to change her mind; I mean, we were still talking all the time, and she was still trying to find ways to see me.

 

I was going to give her a ride the next day, too, but she texted me and said that someone else was going to give her a ride. She felt terrible about how she was treating the father of her children, and really needed to let me go. Unfortunately, this was all done by text, and I've since deleted her messages from my phone, so I can't post exactly what was said. It seemed very emotional, though.

 

That was on Dec 18, the last time we spoke until her messages on Jan 11 and 12.

 

I hope this helps you guys to see what I'm seeing. To me, it seems like she's had a lot of inner struggle for awhile; she wants to be with me, but feels like she can't. And I can't help but think that her coming back to this job is a way to "innocently" see me again... but that could just be my ego speaking.

 

I suspect that she keeps coming back to me as an emotional crutch, and I don't know how to handle it. If I'm there, she'll never "need" to move on emotionally from the father of her kids. But if I'm not, she'll never have the support to move on from him... or worse, she could potentially get support from some other guy.

 

Which all leads me back to the original question: assuming that she's unhappy now, should I avoid her, or be there for her?

 

 

You dont have to go out of your way to avoid her, but dont put in any effort to be neat her neither!

 

Well, avoiding her at this point means that I'm actually going out of my way to avoid her, which will be obvious; I've eaten dinner at this restaurant every Monday for 5 or 6 years. In fact, I've made a big deal of it: Monday is my "heavy" bench press day (I used to compete), and this restaurant is right beside of my gym. So I go there for a high protein, high complex carb meal, then I walk to the gym to lift weights. It's something I've talked about many, many times... including to Anna, who knows my routine well.

 

Which, of course, is another reason why I can't help but think that this was her way of seeing me. There's another waitress that works evenings, and the two of them discussed which days to take. Anna specifically asked for Monday and Tuesday; the two days I'm guaranteed to be there. She could have easily asked for Wednesday and Friday, which are the days I'm rarely there. Unless I didn't factor in to her decision at all, and I'm just over-thinking it.

[csdude55]

darling , I would just eat some place else ...

 

and if she thinks you are avoiding her then so what .. start doing things to please you and what you want ..and not what everyone else wants and second guessing what they think ..you are number one ...

 

I know I was typing while you replied, but... this means that I'll be noticeably changing my routine to avoid her. When what I really want is for her to be back in my life. Even if she and I don't work out, it would at least give me closure, where all of the "I love you but have to leave you" comments before have left me in a stalemate.

[Clinton]

Sounds like you were a fling and now she's gone back to her real life. She's trying to make a go of it with the father of her children. She's decided to work on it. Leave her be. Don't be the guy that breaks up a family.

[pippy longstocking]

I know I was typing while you replied, but... this means that I'll be noticeably changing my routine to avoid her. When what I really want is for her to be back in my life. Even if she and I don't work out, it would at least give me closure, where all of the "I love you but have to leave you" comments before have left me in a stalemate.

 

ok ..well you are honest enough to say all this and I do like that about you cs ... You do let everyone one here see inside your soul and it is refreshing ..

 

so really there is no question hahaha you are stil eating there ... you will do what you need to do on this journey ..xx

[csdude55]

She's trying to make a go of it with the father of her children. She's decided to work on it. Leave her be. Don't be the guy that breaks up a family.

 

That's kind of what I'm asking, Clinton. Depending on perspective, she's the one invading my space now, not the other way around. But due to the financial aspect, I don't know if she's doing so because she's not happy, or just because she needs a job.

 

Although, I can also say that she DID have a job at another (busier) restaurant as of a few weeks ago, but she left that job for this one. And even though I liked that restaurant, too, I avoided it because of her (but I didn't go there as often, so this wasn't an obvious avoidance). So if she just needed the money, she could have stayed at the other restaurant... unless, of course, there was another problem that I don't know about, which is entirely possible. Back and forth, back and forth.

 

 

ok ..well you are honest enough to say all this and I do like that about you cs ... You do let everyone one here see inside your soul and it is refreshing ..

 

Thanks, hon. I worry that a lot of times I'm coming accross as argumentative, or at least trying to force people to agree with me, but I really am just trying to show everything from all angles so I can get an honest outside perspective.

 

I'm posting about Anna for help, so being anything other than 100% honest and sincere just doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

so really there is no question hahaha you are stil eating there ... you will do what you need to do on this journey ..xx

 

I respect your opinion, Star, and you probably know this story as good as anyone, so please don't just tell me what you think I want to hear If you all think I should avoid the restaurant, even though it will be obvious and maybe insulting to her... I'll do it.

 

I don't think that doing so will help me to win her back if she's unhappy, and if the owner thinks he's losing my business because of her then there's a good chance he'll fire her (between myself and business clients, I'm probably worth around $1,000/week gross to him).

 

But on the flip side, I don't know how putting myself in this position is going to help me to move on if she really is happy. If that's the case, it's really not fair of her to put me in this position. I mean, it's just common sense for her to know that she's putting me in an awkward position, right? I'm not being weird to be thinking so much about this, am I?

 

And like I said before, for all I know she could be completely dreading me being there on Monday. She might have applied at 200 restaurants, and this job may have been a last resort for her.

 

In my dream world, I'd show up Monday as usual, act surprised to see her, she'll be happy to see me and greet me with a big hug, and all will be well. But odds are that I'll walk in, she'll be unsure of how to act (possibly distant), and the next hour will be very, very, very awkward.

 

At the very least, I wish she'd find a way to send me a message before Monday to give me a clue of what she's thinking. But she's had 2 1/2 weeks to send me a message, so I guess the odds are against that.

[pippy longstocking]

I respect your opinion, Star, and you probably know this story as good as anyone, so please don't just tell me what you think I want to hear If you all think I should avoid the restaurant, even though it will be obvious and maybe insulting to her... I'll do it.

 

Somtimes I know that people need to push themsleves to the limit ..push every boundery , try everything , and I respect that that is part of human nature .. I have said it many times on here before ..for all the advising in the world ..some will still scracth that itch and that's ok ...

 

so this is what I think ..

 

I do think her getting that job back is something to do with you , I believe she will have a wonderful time ..you made her feel like a princess , you gave her love and attention .. and if she is back there and you go in 4 times a week she probably thinks she will have the best of both worlds ..the attention and desire off you , but she is safe cos its her job to be there , then she goes home to hubby and kids ..and your poor head is left exploding ...I think from the day she goes back you should then find another place . *hugs* darling .

[Clinton]

You sound like a nice guy but you're lying to yourself about your motivation here. You want her back period. That's your only motivation. If you really wanted to give her a shot at reconciliation with her children's father, you'd dissappear from her life.

 

If you aren't willing to do that, you're an active participant in the breakup of their relationship. So don't try and spin it as you're doing because you want what's best for her. You don't. You want a relationship.

 

You know the right thing to do. Your choice if you want to do it.

[kbbcoop77]

If she wanted to reconcile with u she would've contacted you instead of this long convoluted route back to her old job you are over analyzing in your head. Look, you're a regular, she's an employee. I've dated waitresses before and then seen them afterwards when they're working, so what? She's gone back to her husband and kids. Just say hi and smile when you see her. If you can't handle that don't sit in her section. If that still freaks you out then change restaurants. But she's made her choice so respect it and her. She has a family. You don't know the whole truth what goes on in her household and really it's none of your business. Be respectful and adult about the situation. She's working. It's her job. Good luck, don't mean to sound harsh but I think you're over complicating things, which emotions will obviously cause ..

[Shane Falco]

I know I was typing while you replied, but... this means that I'll be noticeably changing my routine to avoid her. When what I really want is for her to be back in my life. Even if she and I don't work out, it would at least give me closure, where all of the "I love you but have to leave you" comments before have left me in a stalemate.

 

People say all sort of crap in a breakup to try to lessen the sting. That's all it was. And like I said before, constantly coming to her place of business while she's working is a terrible strategy. Either go when you know she's not there or find another restaurant. Stop making up excuses to orbit.

[csdude55]

You sound like a nice guy but you're lying to yourself about your motivation here. You want her back period. That's your only motivation. If you really wanted to give her a shot at reconciliation with her children's father, you'd dissappear from her life.

 

If you aren't willing to do that, you're an active participant in the breakup of their relationship. So don't try and spin it as you're doing because you want what's best for her. You don't. You want a relationship.

 

You know the right thing to do. Your choice if you want to do it.

 

I think you're about 75% right, Clinton. I honestly question whether I'm a decent person, though. I've always thought that I was, but I just don't know. Nobody thinks of themselves as a bad person; even Hitler thought he was doing the right thing.

 

You're right, I do want her back, and that clouds my judgement... which is sort of why I'm even posting. But I don't know that it's my only motivation.

 

Long before she and I had any type of connection other than being friends, her friends and family (cousins) were trying to get her to leave her BF because he was abusive. And I told her several times that, even if she and I can't be together, I believe that he's a terrible choice for her. And I believe that; I'd rather see her with someone else that makes her happy, even if it's not me, than be in this negative and abusive relationship.

 

Of course, that's easy to say now. But if I see her Monday and she says that she broke up with him, and is now dating someone else... I'd be devastated.

 

If I see her on Monday, though, and she tells me that he's totally changed, and she's happy now... I think I could accept that and move on. That would give me better closure than sitting around thinking that she might be miserable and regretting her choice, anyway.

 

 

If she wanted to reconcile with u she would've contacted you instead of this long convoluted route back to her old job you are over analyzing in your head. Look, you're a regular, she's an employee. I've dated waitresses before and then seen them afterwards when they're working, so what? She's gone back to her husband and kids. Just say hi and smile when you see her. If you can't handle that don't sit in her section. If that still freaks you out then change restaurants. But she's made her choice so respect it and her. She has a family. You don't know the whole truth what goes on in her household and really it's none of your business. Be respectful and adult about the situation. She's working. It's her job. Good luck, don't mean to sound harsh but I think you're over complicating things, which emotions will obviously cause ..

 

I think you're almost 100% right, though. Even though she did contact me a couple of weeks ago, even that's questionable. I don't know if it meant "are we still friends", "I need emotional support", or "I'm starting to regret my choice".

 

At this point, I'm leaning towards following my regular routine on Monday, being my normal friendly self, and letting her set the pace. If she seems uncomfortable with me being there, I might just "remember another appointment" and disappear.

 

I should also mention, though, that I'm just as concerned about my own growth here. I realize that seeing her every day might not help me move on, but then consciously changing my routine to avoid her (and thinking that she could be changing her routine to see me) won't help me to move on, either. And I fully suspect that I'll see her Monday, we'll both act like everything is fine, but then... how does that help me to move on, or at least recover? Especially if she starts to confide in me again about her relationship problems (which is what she did when I last saw her on Dec 17).