When is enough enough in marriage?

[Jetta]

And I wonder if this is just the struggle of the early years or if it's time to say see ya'.

 

My husband has struggled with employment throughout our marriage. He's been laid off on average every year of the last 4 1/2 years. His parents have been paying our mortage for the last year and a half and I have lost respect for him. The biggest reason for staying is our lovely 2 1/2 year old. I honestly want to divorce him. I'm tired of the struggle, but I worry about the affects on our child.

 

There are more problems and annoyances, but I really want to know. When do you say "Okay it's not working, and it's time to move on?"

[Scout]

When you honestly know without a doubt that your love and respect for that person is 100% dead.

 

That's when I would say "see ya".

[BrandonBo]

first off express these feelings to him and you could go to a marriage counselor when i was 8 my parents got a divorce...it affected my life tremendously its nice that u think of your 2 an a half year old but it depends on the reason for him being laid off is it his fault or out of his control you should definetly tell him how you feel and try to fix things if things dont change then you have to do what you have to do good luck

[Jetta]

I have mentioned this to him. His most recent lay off was Friday, after getting a raise on Thursday. He said the company was over budget and the raise came from the contracting firm not from company. It doesn't mesh. IMO.

 

He loves our child. He's generally a descent guy but he's not reliable. He says he loves me. But this isn't the first layoff that had me wondering. The last one was a permanent job and he was denied unemployment.

 

I really just want to know if divorcing him for reasons like this are superficial. I honestly don't want to bail if this situation is temporary or can be remedied somehow. But I don't want to live 20 years stuggling like we have been.

[melrich]

First, staying together "for the kids" is not a good idea. Second, financial reasons are not superficial.

 

I would do this. Get some time alone. Grab your drink of choice. Think about your relationship. Take your daughter out of the equation. Take the job thing out of the equation. Take the financial support from parents out of the equation.

 

Now what do you see?

[DN]

Did you make up your own vows when you got married? If you used the traditional vows there is a part that mentions "for richer, for poorer..."

 

You say he's been laid off. Does that mean these lay-offs are out of his control due to cutbacks etc. or do you mean he got fired because he's lazy, or incompetent or whatever? If it's out of his control then it's not his fault and he needs your support to help get a better job, not you undermining his confidence. If he is lazy or incompetent then you have more of a case for sympathy but I bet he was like that before you married him.

 

Suggest he see a career counsellor to help find a job that is suited to him and that is less likely to disappear because of the marketplace.

 

Realise that life is going to smack you upside the head sometimes and you have to have the resilience to bounce back and support your husband and kids when things go wrong.

 

Not every marital problem is solvable by divorce. Sometimes it just makes things worse

[Mermaid]

Layoffs generally aren't an employee's fault, but due to cutbacks or budget issues within the company. What kind of an industry is he in? Perhaps it's one that is on a decline and he is unfortunate enough to join companies shortly before they are forced to make layoffs. It's always the newer hires, the ones without seniority, that go first.

 

Is he receiving unemployment? Is he looking steadily for a new job? Do you know for sure that he's been laid-off, or do you suspect that he's actually being fired?

[GettingOverIt]

I agree with the idea of taking everything out of the equations except for you two... How do you feel about the two of you? Do you still love your husband? Are these bouts of unemployment his fault or beyond his control? If there were no outside factors, would you still want this man for your husband?

 

Staying together 'for the children' is a myth. Children can see what a 'fake' marriage looks like, and then they grow up to believe that is how marriage should be.

 

Financially - if the job thing is truly beyond his control, then he needs help and support in finding employment and/or training that will help provide more stability (though there is no guarantee of employment for anyone). His parents are helping you out right now. I know, for many, that is a tough pill to swallow. But, realize that one day, you will be taking care of them in some form or fashion, and they will have the same feelings....

 

Something else to think about - how would a divorce HELP your situation? Think about it fully.

 

You say you do not respect the man - exactly why not? Does he look for employment? Does he help with child-rearing and other domestic duties?

 

Just offering things to think about... Ultimately, you may decide that divorce is the best way to go, then again you may decide it's not... But, before you make any life-altering decisions, sit down and really think on them....

[Breea]

Hi, I remained in a marriage for 14 yrs ...for the kids sake. I thought it was the best thing for them, but I now see how wrong that was. I probably knew by yr 3 of our marriage that I was not happy/content with him and should have left then. I can't get back all of those years so I don't dwell on it. But, if you know that you are not content with him, if you do not love him like you should love a husband, regardless of whether or not he's a decent guy, then you should search your heart and do what's right for you. Because in the long run, your child will be happier if mom and dad are living a happy life. Remember, Life is Short kiddo!!!

 

Best of luck to you in finding out what you want/need. -Bree

[karyss]

I divorced when my daughter was about 2 1/2 also. I went out of my way to keep her routine as normal as possible. Her dad & I agreed to always make her 1st priority - and it's really worked well. She is now 14 yrs old, a straight "a" student, with a great personality.

the way I see it, it is better two have 2 parents that both love you and live apart, than to have 2 parents always arguing & yelling in the same house.

[master philanderer]

Don't underestimate the effect a divorce will have on your child. I know how you feel though. It's like every little thing he does just irks you to no end. I have a similar issue with my wife who tends to withhold sex and affection from me. It bothers me so much that everything she does, no matter how small, seems to just cut through me like a dentists drill. If your situation is unbearable, you may have to leave. Especially if you guys argue a lot in front of your child. That arguing will effect the child much more negatively that a divorce.

[Luciana]

Jetta, 2 things:

 

He may be being fired from jobs out of depression (very common reason) or other mood disorders. ADD and Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder also cause problems at work. Maybe you should encourage him to seek a mental health professional. Sometimes what is seen as "laziness" or "stupidity" is mainly a mental problem.

 

Second, read the book "Undressing Infidelity", by Diane Smith. It shows why women cheat, and many it is because of disappointment with their husbands, lack of respect for them. I would advise you don't go there. End things first if you must.

 

I left my husband because I fell in love with a man who was the opposite. My ex-husband had no ambition and never reached his potential. I felt kind of cheated in life by that. Nowadays we get along very well, I am always there for him, and my daughters are thriving (even though I know the separation hurt them a lot), but I will always carry with myself an enormous GUILT for destroying our family. I sometimes fantasize of leaving my current fiance and going back to my poor ex-husband, out of guilt. I feel guilty he has little money, I feel guilty he hasn't been able to find a woman, etc. I hope this guilt doens't give me cancer.

Just my story so you can think. I hope other women read this too. I am not advocating staying with a man you don't love anymore, but maybe you can bring that love back somehow.

[DN]

It is always a sad thing to me that people marry someone who lacks the qualities they want in a partner and then the marriage goes sour; divorce ensues and then everyone, including any children, get hurt. To pin one's hopes on material success in life with someone who is not ambitious is obviously a mistake - it is also unfair to the partner. Some people are not motivated by material things, or financial success, and are made to feel guilty because of it.

 

There is nothing wrong with ambition, or in seeking as a partner someone who is the same. But there is nothing wrong with not being ambitious either. But people like that are sent on guilt trips by family with high expectations who put pressure on them to be something they are not and they end up being made to feel worthless failures; or are so stressed by trying to live up to the ambitions of their partner that they become emotional and physical wrecks..

 

I guess the lesson is to make sure you on on the same page with this and other matters before marriage rather than finding out too late that you are not.

[Luciana]

In my case I got married at 23-I was in love (lust) with him because of his looks.

A part of me still loves him. He has many qualities. He was just a depressed man who spent ALL his available time in front of the TV-no friends, no hobbies, no hard work. I agree with you DN that I came from a much more driven family who expected PhD's and other successes from thier children. My father is a successful man and is so is my brother.

When he lost his job I had to support him for many months, and I didn't see him trying. He was shy and unmotivated. I have that old fashioned thing that a man should provide for his family. When I met a man who had drive, ambition and was also smart and not afraid of the world (my ex is very timid and let's everyone run over him or take advantage of him) I was fascinated.

And yes, I feel guilty of my option, because that man never hurt me , never cheated on me and was always there for me. it's very TOUGH leaving a good man. Much easier leaving a jerk if you ar enot addicted to the jerk.

[DN]

When I lost my job because of injury my wife was the major breadwinner for some months. At other times I have supported her e.g. jus recently when she went back to school for a year to learn a new career. We have always looked upon our marriage as a partnership - she didn't expect me to be the breadwinner because I was a man, I didn't expect her to be a housewife. We share the responsibilties. It is a shame when a man (or woman, come to that) is forced by societal or marital pressures to be something he is not. He can be a worthy man, kind and loving, he can do his best; and yet he is despised and ultimately deserted because he does not meet the expectations of others.

[Luciana]

Those were not the only circumstances that ended my marriage. He was also very cold and unnafectionate, and had sexual problems. He never told me he loved me, never made me feel special and never cuddled. It is never that black or white DN.

 

Your vision about marriage being a partnership unfortuantely is not prevalent nowadays. It has always been my vision (my ex and me had a friendly divorce and never fought over one penny) too, but I see with my GF's that men nowadays are extremely protective of their money. One couple I know are talking marriage but the guy made it very clear that he wants ALL finances separate. If he has money to go on a vacation and she doesn't, she stays home-he won't pay for her. I see it as extreme sefishness. Men are scared of women taking their hard earned money, especially ones who have been divorced. I had no problems supporting my husband for a long period when he was unemployed. That was not the reason of our split. I still give him money when I can and will always be there for him. I am the one who stayed with him in the hospital when he had surgery last year, even though we are divorced.

[andyg]

I think you should have a long talk with your husband about your expectations of him. Talk to him more about why and how he lost this job as well as his last ones. Maybe it's not him but more his career field of choice. It may not be a bad idea for him to get free training from the department of labor to start a new career with more stability. Is is just the job Jetta? or are there other issues?

[ghost69]

yeah, have you given him any support to boost his moral? or do you yell at him a lot for being a loser? he could be very depressed.

[BellaDonna]

Just a note: this post is over 2 years old. I'm not sure if the OP will return to see recent responses.

 

BellaDonna

[TheFoglifter]

Damn.... you never mentioned WHY he got laid off. Its tough out there, budget cuts and all that crap do not make it easy to keep a job even if you are good. It makes me question whether you work, or whether you want to sit at home.

 

Maybe he has lost respect for you too given how non-supportive you seem.

 

Employers LOVE married family men, because they know that married family men have kids and a wife to support. A single guy with less to lose can walk out at any time, but a married guy who has to pay a mortgage and ballet lessons and whatever is less likely to leave.

[SummerGirl38]

Did you make up your own vows when you got married? If you used the traditional vows there is a part that mentions "for richer, for poorer..."

 

You say he's been laid off. Does that mean these lay-offs are out of his control due to cutbacks etc. or do you mean he got fired because he's lazy, or incompetent or whatever? If it's out of his control then it's not his fault and he needs your support to help get a better job, not you undermining his confidence. If he is lazy or incompetent then you have more of a case for sympathy but I bet he was like that before you married him.

 

VERY WELL SAID, I COMPLETELY AGREE!

[ghost69]

yeah, need some more details here. why the layoffs?

[BellaDonna]

Thread is over 2 years old. See recent posts from the OP. I believe they since divorced and moved on,

 

BellaDonna