Homeschooling

[MissMelissa]

My 10th grade daughter, who will be 16 next week, has really started pushing hard to be homeschooled. She has mentioned it several times in the past 1.5 years, but it has become a knock-down drag-out fight between us recently.

 

She has had IBS / GI issues since she was born, but they were mostly controlled with diet and / or meds. As she's gotten older, started her period and had more say over what she ate, the symptoms have gotten worse and more frequent. She uses the "loud tummy noises", cramping and discomfort as an excuse to leave class several times a week, and to push for homeschooling. I dealt with the same issues, same discomforts, when I was growing up, so I have an idea of what she's going through (I was diagnosed with IBS as a child) ...

 

We have gone to her doctor, who is trying to get her an appointment with a Peds GI for a 'scope, but it is not an easy or quick process. Her doctor, in an effort to keep her in school (she is not completely for homeschooling either), sent a note to the school requesting that, when she is having an "acute attack", she be allowed to sit in the nurses office or in an unused classroom until her symptoms abate enough for her to return to class. Her school, so far, has been accommodating.

 

The reasons I'm against it? I work full-time, and am gone from 7.30 am - 5.15 pm. This wouldn't allow me to keep tabs on her during the day, and would require me to "hover" in the evenings to ensure she got her required courses completed. I know that she is not the type to sit down and do her work when she needs to, without being reminded and encouraged repeatedly. In our state, a student is not issued a "diploma" for homeschooling therefore, if they plan to attend college, they are required to get a certificate of completion from the program (that sometimes isn't accepted by the college) or get their GED.

 

She makes promises that she'll do the work, complete the assignments, and I won't have to hound her - I just need to give her the chance to prove it. I am, understandably, leery.

 

Has anyone had experience with homeschooling their children? Advice, insight, anything would be appreciated.

[Fudgie]

I went to college with some kids who were homeschooled prior to college. Overall, it worked for them because they had a stay-at-home parent who taught them AND they were academically independent. They could be assigned work and they would do it at home just like school work.

 

You know that your daughter is not the independent sort who can get her work done without you hounding. What I see happening is that she'll be home, probably goof off for most of the day, you come home from work and instead of relaxing or getting things done around the house, you have to hound your daughter to get her work done. And if she's not working diligently throughout the day, then she will fall behind because you can't cram everything into the evening.

 

IBS/GI issues suck but my feeling is that she is using it as an excuse to get out of school. I don't know if it's because she's just really, really lazy or if because something else is going on. Is she being bullied? It sounds like she hates being there. Something else may be going on.

[MisUnderstood9]

I would ask her what her plans are for the future... college/universities, jobs, etc etc.

 

Highschool is like working (atleast thats how my parents explained it). It keeps you in a routine of going somewhere everyday for a specific set of hours just like a job would.

 

What are her career goals? She wont be able to just up an leave when her symtoms flare up.. she'll have to learn to deal with it so she doesnt miss work or to much work so she would get fired. Same with going to school, if she misses to many days, she will fall behind and fail her courses -- meaning having to stay back a year, no graduating with friends etc.

 

What university or colleges does she want to apply too?? Some major universities and coleges will not accept a GED from applicants. Her doing homeschooling and then having to get a GED to show her completion could damage her changes to get into the university or college she wants.

 

I would more try and have a discussion with her then a fight. Her learning how to properly handle her symptoms instead of using the as an excuse now is probably better because she's going to need to learn how to in her future.

 

But I agree with above, it sounds more like she just hates being at the school. Maybe there is another underlining issue as to why she doesnt want to be there.

[itsallgrand]

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was wondering if this is not some other issue at school that your daughter is trying to avoid/doesn't know how to handle. Again, just first thoughts, is that maybe she struggling with making friends and the social aspect of high school? Have you eliminated all those possibilities that she is trying to avoid something rather than actually wanting the homeschooling experience? Because what possible advantages would home schooling actually have for her?

[MissMelissa]

We have an open and honest relationship, and I've never put her down or ridiculed her opinions or ideas. I take the time to listen and give advice only when I'm asked, so I have faith that when she tells me it isn't something or someone at school that's making her not want to go, she's being truthful. Not being bullied, teased, picked on. She has friends, but feels that some of the teachers are more interested in having social hours than teaching a subject, and that the "preps" (read: rich kids) get more attention and one-on-one than the people who truly need it.

 

I have used the same argument - she can't hide every time she has a flare-up, and she can't run home from school or work every time her stomach cramps or makes loud noises. When she says she wants to join the Air Force, I am quick to point out that there are no "sick days" and she would be expected to show up and do her duty every day, regardless. She doesn't want to go to college (much to the dismay of my family as she would be the first on my side) because she doesn't feel she can "handle" the IBS / GI issues and maintain a high enough GPA.

 

I have even dangled the carrot of prom and dating, but she claims to have no interest in either. Another reason I'm against it - we live in a very rural area and the only people close enough to walk to are my parents, my aunt and uncle, and her dad. She would essentially be isolated and alone five days a week.

 

Thank you for your thoughts!

[Fudgie]

I still would not rule out bullying. We had "preps" at the public school I attended before I finally left that hellhole to go to private school and those girls made my life miserable for a while. I didn't even tell my 2 best friends that I was being bullied. It was painful and I didn't want to talk about it, because I knew no one could do anything. I didn't even tell my friends until long after we graduated high school and went to college. Sometimes, we can have very loving supportive relationships with our friends and family but if the bullying is pretty subtle and insidious (but nonetheless very hurtful), no one will say anything.

 

Is there anything that can be done medically to help her flare-ups?

 

Has depression/anxiety issues been ruled out?

[MissMelissa]

That's a very good point. There are some things we're afraid to tell our parents, closest friends, etc. I will discuss this with her again, and suggest she see her school counselor or our pastor friend, if she'd be more comfortable. She tends to be outspoken and not afraid to voice her opinion, but I remember what high school was like (though she thinks I'm older than dirt) and there are times those traits work against a person.

 

We are working on getting her scoped (endoscopy? colonoscopy? I don't know) and starting her on birth control meds (for both of us, our menstrual cycles make the IBS symptoms considerably worse). Her doctor DID talk to her about anxiety meds! And that is an option we are going to continue to move forward with. I believe that, in conjunction with some tweaks in her diet and adding exercise, anxiety meds might be what pushes her to being in control of her IBS. Fingers crossed.

[Alittlelost]

I have IBS and have a high level of degree. I also worked a lot through university. I also worked with a girl who had crohns disease and required two lots of bowels surgery to remove damage. IBS is a walk in the park compared to what she suffered. I think it's terrible to let something become an excuse. I've seen it happen to many people who use diabetes, obesity, PCOS, fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, Endometriosis etc become an excuse. I've also seen people with the same and even a girl with severe arthritis go on to achieve lots through perseverance and dedication. The girl with arthrits ran a marathon and even had a child which they didn't think would be possible at one stage.

I think you need to have a proper conversation with her and go through diet modification. If she had been controlled on diet before then she needs to stick to that assuming it's healthy. there is a fine balance between helping your kids move forward, being to strict and being a push over. I'm not saying I know how to do that at all but it feels like maybe your balance isn't quite right. Your the parent.

[MissMelissa]

Her IBS symptoms (much like my own) were manageable until she started her period almost four years ago, but have gotten progressively worse as she's gotten older, which is exactly what mine did. Which is why we're talking about diet modification, exercise (treadmill was moved in today), birth control pills and possibly anxiety meds (we also discussed probiotics, but she had very negative reactions to them when we tried them before). I'm sure that, with trial and error, we'll figure out what works for her. One thing - I do NOT allow her to use IBS as an excuse. I never allowed myself to, even those months when my period lasted 10 days and I cramped like I was in the midst of childbirth, and my IBS symptoms competed.

 

I agree that there are a lot of disabilities and diseases worse than IBS, but try telling that to a 16 year old girl ... Thanks!!

[Alittlelost]

You don't seen to want advice and seem to already have your own plan in place. I'm not really sure what your asking in that case. You don't have the time to he school her and she wants to be home schooled because of her IBS. It seems addressing that issue and that you can't home school her would solve the issue.

My point came from a fellow IBS suffer and somebody who's studied IBS. I also have a sibling who had to be home schooled due to a separate issue.

[MissMelissa]

I was actually asking for input about homeschooling, not IBS. We're already exploring treatment options, etc. I just wondered if maybe there were benefits to homeschooling that I wasn't seeing, especially for a child who was experiencing the symptoms of both IBS / GI issues and heavy menstruation.

 

But thank you for your replies. All appreciated.

[redswim30]

I personally disagree with most home schooling.

Many people believe that being a parent qualifies you to be a teacher. Not true, otherwise, teachers wouldn't need masters degrees, student teaching and preparatory hours in order to teach.

 

More importantly, IMVHO, it sets kids up to have social issues. You can't protect them from the real world forever. Even if they have a home business, they will HAVE to deal with people at some point. People

who aren't family members, people they may not like, people they have to deal with and learn to be around.

 

That being said, for home schooling even to be an option(much less work), you must have at least one parent that is home all day and the child MUST be a self-motivator.

In every home schooling situation I've ever seen, if you don't have BOTH of the above, the child will not succeed. Every time I have seen even one of these factors missing, the child is INCREDIBLY far behind both

academically and socially.

If you can't be dedicated to just her schooling, and you don't think she is capable of self motivation (Be honest, do you see her reading assignments while you are at work, or do you foresee coming home from work and having drag out fights every evening about schoolwork) I don't think this is the best option for your family.

 

See what solutions you can come up with medically. No matter what choice you make, you do need to be honest with her about her embarrassment. She cannot run away every time she has a problem. There are many people in the world that have ailments or problems and they learn to deal with them. I understand where she is coming from, I definitely had some embarrassing teen issues.

 

I think home schooling is something you shouldn't rush or take lightly. I've sadly met many a home schooled teen with a scholastic comprehension far below normal of the average and their parents insistence that they were "fine".

If you want to look into this, try and find families where their children have graduated from a high level, and see what their keys to success were.

[Snny]

She has friends, but feels that some of the teachers are more interested in having social hours than teaching a subject, and that the "preps" (read: rich kids) get more attention and one-on-one than the people who truly need it.

That's when you mention that you would LOVE to speak with her teachers. Watch her reaction whether she is ok with it or shuts up. Kids at 16 complain all the time about their teachers to their parents instead of dealing with their teachers themselves first. Still, you should investigate that.

 

Have you looked into Cyber schools? My worry is that this could be her way to being tempted to drop out of school. Where I am from, 16 year olds can drop out of high school.

 

I personally disagree with most home schooling.

Many people believe that being a parent qualifies you to be a teacher. Not true, otherwise, teachers wouldn't need masters degrees, student teaching and preparatory hours in order to teach.

Thank you for posting this! I am a teacher who is working on my master's in Special Education and we work over 8 hours a day on our lessons. At the OP's daughters age she should be advocating for herself or seeking her teachers after school/before school. You can't just always expect it- especially since many of us teach over 30 kids in a classroom. It's hard to provide everyone with one-on-one instruction during class time.

[Snny]

Opps, I double posted!

[MissMelissa]

I have heard the same complaints from my son (who graduated last year) and her other classmates. I've actually had a conversation with the school counselor about it, but it's been determined that there aren't enough "complaints" for it to be taken more seriously. (I'm paraphrasing, please be understanding.) As for before and after school functions, we live 20 minutes from school, so it isn't possible. As I said, living rural is limiting.

 

I am against any and all forms of internet schooling. I believe her place is in the classroom, learning with her peers. I promised her I would try to get feedback, both for and against, and that's what I'm doing. As for dropping out, they changed the law in my state last year and now students have to be 18 years old. Yay!

 

I know my daughter and am certain she could not, would not function well in a homeschooling situation. As for me? I work full time and am a single parent, so there is no way I could feasibly fill both teacher and parent shoes.

 

Thanks, Snny and redswim30!

[Fudgie]

I agree with you, Melissa. I think being in the classroom is probably best for your daughter. Someday, she will need to get a job and go into work most days. In all likelihood, she is not going to work from home so going to school gives her experience with dealing with her IBS and yet still being functional.

 

The only kids I know who were successful in homeschooling were very independent and had stay-at-home parents (who were also very educated) and one of the kids I knew had a tutor too. I'm glad that you too think that it's not a good fit for her. I wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

I hope you can find what's going on with her reluctance to going to school. Poor gal.

[ParisPaulette]

I tried homeschooling my youngest boy for six months. And I did that after seeing the wild success of a friend's child who was the same age and one of my son's best friends. And what I came away with was this: it is a great thing if the child in question is a self-starter who can manage their own time and have some sort of purpose or goal that keeps them motivated to make homeschooling a success. In the case of my friend, her son was a very talented athlete who did the homeschooling and excelled at it in order to allow himself more time for the athletics and to be able to travel for such. He was highly motivated and able to pull it off

 

My son though was not. He is a wonderful kid, but he doesn't really like to do things by himself. He does best surrounded by other people and being motivated in a group. And while I worked at home I found I had neither the patience or the ability to get him to do his work, do it on time, and keep him motivated. He also hated the lack of daily interaction with others.

 

I think you're wise in that you recognize what the barriers are to homeschooling. To that end depending on where you live you may want to explore other alternatives. I know for instance in my son's high school they have an at-home program for their students that allows some kids to do their classwork and complete assignments from home. The catch is those kids have to have a grade point average of 3.0 or better and to maintain it in order to do so. There are also online public schools like K-!2, but again a kid has to be highly motivated and they want a parent or learning coach to be present to make sure the kid or kids are doing the work, etc. I have also heard about co-ops where a group of parents in an area will work together taking turns in lesson planning and delivery. One group I talked to back when I lived in L.A. did a round robin with the kids going from house to house, which for that group of moms was easy since they all lived close together and worked from home. I toyed briefly with that, but couldn't deal with the idea of having to watch seven kids and be teacher to them one day a week or every few weeks.

 

There may be other solutions and perhaps you could talk to your daughter's school about possible solutions although it sounds like you are already working closely with them. Also, it may be your daughter is being bullied and if that's why she wants to be homeschooled that's a whole other issue to be addressed. I know you're trying to help your daughter and yet also make sure she gets a proper education and that's sometimes a rough thing to do. If she's not a highly motivated individual or you can't be there with her daily to get the lessons done then truthfully homschooling may not be for you.

[Traveler27]

I disagree with the majority of the posts thus far. If your daughter is pleading with you to be home schooled, she is likely extremely uncomfortable (either physically, emotionally, socially, etc.) at her current school and is asking for help. Teachers are often given too much credit. There are a lot of substandard teachers out there who neglect the needs of their students both academically and of their general well being, and perhaps your daughter's needs at school aren't being met.

 

I'd arrange a meeting with the school to discuss your and your daughters concerns and hopefully this will give you a better sense of how to move forward.

[superfan]

My husband suffers from IBS and I do know that it can be incredibly difficult to function when it is a chronic issue. My husband had a period in his 20s of several months where he could barely hold down a job, and spent most of his time in bed. He lost a bunch of weight and was quite ill as a result of his IBS. He has managed to get his symptoms under control, but it was very difficult for him to figure out what did and did not work as well as to handle the anxiety and embarrassment that goes with it.

 

IBS is an extremely embarrassing condition for most people. It's not JUST stomach gargles, it can come in the form of constipation, gas, diarrhea, etc. It can also have mental illness components as well, as doctors have discovered that people with IBS also tend to suffer anxiety issues which contribute to it.

 

I am not saying your daughter should be homes schooled. I am teacher, so that would be my last resort if I were a parent. However, I do know from watching my husband deal with his condition how horribly embarrassing and humiliating it can be....and he is a grown adult. I can't even begin to imagine what it might be like to be 16 and dealing with these issues.

 

She might be horribly embarrassed because she has gas at inopportune times. She might be constantly anxious that she smells bad around her peers. Others might be making fun of her for these issues. She might be worried that she might have an accident. Body functions are a huge taboo at that age, and dealing with it might be extremely stressful for her. If she is desperate to be out and away from social environments that would suggest to me that her illness is more damaging to her than you know. What 16 year old DOESN'T want to be around her friends and boys she is interested in?

 

Answer: One that does not have a positive social life, and finds her situation to be unbearable in its current form.

 

I would highly suggest looking into counselling for your daughter as this might be harder for her than you realize. Keep her in school if you feel she cannot self govern to be successful in home schooling, but supplement it with giving her some way to handle what she is going through.

[relevart]

Most homeschooling starts in kids much younger than your daughter. Homeschool is a wonderful thing and we wanted to do it with our kids, but just could not afford it. With your full time, first shift job, I don't see how it would work for either of you. In some states, there are pretty strict guidelines on hours you need to spend in "class" too. Like you, I don't think this is doable for you and your daughter.

[MissMelissa]

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate you taking the time and effort to give advice and insight.

 

I do know that homeschooling isn't a feasible option for us - distance, shortage of time, etc. I do believe that, once we get a treatment plan and dietary limitations worked out, she'll find it much easier to deal with day-to-day. I know, having had IBS for nearly 40 years, that there are times when the symptoms create anxiety which exacerbates the symptoms - it is a vicious cycle. And I am sympathetic to what she's going through. But I don't believe that keeping her out of school and missing out on the interaction with peers and teachers is the right decision. In fact, I think that the isolation could produce a whole other set of issues ...

 

She does have, when she's dealing with an acute episode, permission (from me, her doc and the administrators) to make use of a quiet classroom or the nurses office until they abate. That has been useful and relieved some of the anxiety, allowing her to feel she has more control over both the IBS and her symptoms. I never considered that counseling, in conjunction with her GI doc, could be beneficial. Thank you for the suggestion. Sometimes hearing someone else's opinion is the Duh! we need.

 

The hardest thing for me has been learning my trigger foods - spaghetti sauce (tomato-based food), legumes, raw veggies, onions. That's what we're dealing with now, with her, is trying to figure out her trigger foods. It's a trying process. And especially difficult when she can't plan her school lunches ...

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[superfan]

She does have, when she's dealing with an acute episode, permission (from me, her doc and the administrators) to make use of a quiet classroom or the nurses office until they abate. That has been useful and relieved some of the anxiety, allowing her to feel she has more control over both the IBS and her symptoms. I never considered that counseling, in conjunction with her GI doc, could be beneficial. Thank you for the suggestion. Sometimes hearing someone else's opinion is the Duh! we need.

 

It's great that she has the support of you, her teachers, the school, etc. but I would wonder if she is also experiencing embarrassment because of those special exceptions. Say she is experiencing an attack and she excuses herself to go sit in the nurse's office or a quiet room. Eventually it might be noticed by her peers and she would have to field questions about it. She might not want to admit how bad it is, or explain to others what she is suffering from. Kids don't want to be seen as "Others" by their peers, so having those differences highlighted can be as embarrassing as the condition itself.

 

Again, I agree that homeschooling is not the answer, but she might need some additional support to help her deal with being "different".

 

The hardest thing for me has been learning my trigger foods - spaghetti sauce (tomato-based food), legumes, raw veggies, onions. That's what we're dealing with now, with her, is trying to figure out her trigger foods. It's a trying process. And especially difficult when she can't plan her school lunches ...

 

Thanks again, everyone.

 

Yeah my husband has struggled with this as well. He still isn't sure of some of his triggers.

[MissMelissa]

I'm hoping the "special exceptions" are temporary and seldom required. Since she's had the option in place, (about two weeks) she's only used it two class periods. So I doubt it's enough, at this point, to cause her any negative attention, but just knowing she has the ability and permission to excuse herself has helped tremendously. She has explained to her close friends, and a few teachers and staff, that she's having issues (as much for support as for explanation), and they have been supportive and understanding. The minute she comes to me with a complaint or comment from another student that makes her uncomfortable or upset, we will explore another option.

 

My GI doc, years ago, wanted me to do a one-food-a-day-for-a-week diet to try to figure out my triggers. There was no way I could eat nothing but dairy for a week, then nothing but whole grains for a week, and come out at the end with any semblance of sanity. I think that, as we age, our triggers can change. At least they did with me. I never had a problem with tomato-based foods or raw veggies. Sadly, I do now. Good luck to your husband on pinning down his triggers.