IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 All, I am the lucky mom of two incredibly wonderful children. In the evening, say at dinner and after, my 6th grader exhibits a stream of passive aggressive behavior. Ignores conversation boundaries, criticizes others, uses a certain tone of voice, picking one fight after another. Her sister ignores her as best she can; I am less tolerant. Last night we had a constructive conversation about respecting people's boundaries and she was receptive. Tonight she is back to her usual fun. In her friendships, she develops the sort of codependent patterns as we usually discuss on ENA in a dating context - devolving into issues of control etc. It dawned on me tonight: instead of investing in forming one new friendship after another, the way some of us form one STR after another, why not put friendship-making on hold and invest in therapy or some other course of action to help her manage this fundamental pattern? Fundamental issues as I see them are pretty familiar ones: fear of abandonment, ADHD (treated), friend-dependent self-esteem. Posting to vent, maybe, or to gather perspective... not sure. Thanks itic Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 fear of abandonment Why? I know that sounds prying, but I think pinpointing the root of that is key. Link to comment
Snny Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 The conversation boundary issue is an ADHD Behavioral trait based on impulsiveness. Part of the issues may have to do with the start of puberty/showing in front of peers. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Snny, thank you - I will call her physician and share this then. It could be a signal that meds need to be tweaked. Helpful. Cheetarah - re FOA, its a cliche, as she has divorced parents. I am not sure at what age she processed this fact, as her dad was always an intermittent physical presence aand meeting his GF did not, to her, signal the end of our union. They talk every day by phone. Dad has codependent patterns that have been mitigated somewhat, but when she was young would encourage ways he could help, having the counter effect of encouraging her to be needy. Maybe that is her experience; maybe that is my interpretation of her experience. Also, she comes from a long line of FOA people: each of her parents (I just beat it with ENA's help in recent years), her dad avoids attachments as a defensive response, and our own 4 parents seemed to have been intimacy avoidant as well. That all may be unnecessary psychotherapy. Sometimes, she responds to behavioral training, because her heart is so kind and she will readily say she trusts me. In her last coD friendship, she maneuvered so that she got out of the coD cycle while retaining the friend at a less intimate level. I was impressed by that. She is a diligent student and a responsible person; it is only this sort of acting out that gets in her way. It does not happen at school so far as I am aware; her teachers hold her up as an example of what it means to be genuinely nice and a good friend. Maybe she is internalizing negative feedback from others and then releasing it at home? Hmm. I will explore that this weekend. So Ive got (1) Call the doc. Meds? Other doctor-initiated ideas? (2) What is happening at school? Thanks gals for being a useful sounding board. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Are you sure she should be taking meds at such a young age? My cousin is ADHD and never took meds and he's pretty much my best friend! He grew up to be a really nice person (and his parents adopted him on top of it). I'm not a doctor but I think meds might do more harm then good for someone so young. I'd also recommend giving her positive praise for anytime she is nice at the table. I remember when I younger, positive praise went along way instead of people looking at all the negatives, otherwise she might keep acting out. You might want to see if anything is going on at school as well. Have a talk with her and let her know she can tell you anything at anytime. Another thought...maybe she is jealous that her sister doesn't have to take meds? (although I'm not sure of the whole situation). Could be anything really. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 FOD I resisted meds. I agree, kind of a bummer. My mother refused them for my brother. I just started ADHD meds as an adult and my bf has been medicated since youth and he chose meds for his daughter. The school team was 100% in support of meds; her pediatrician recommended them and went to a top 5 med school. Finally, she appreciates the change in her scholastic performance. She and I share this experience, so at least we have that. ADHD speaks to a chemical process that is intended to occur and doesn't. I have come full circle on meds that help the brain do what it is supposed to do on its own. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 If you're paying a lot of attention to her behaviors and addressing them with her, then there's her reward. If nobody is doing that at school, it may be why she doesn't exhibit the behavior at school. When Mom's got chimes, kids know how to ring them. I'd try putting those away except for when you 'catch' her doing something desirable--then ring 'em loud and proud. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 If you're paying a lot of attention to her behaviors and addressing them with her, then there's her reward. If nobody is doing that at school, it may be why she doesn't exhibit the behavior at school. When Mom's got chimes, kids know how to ring them. I'd try putting those away except for when you 'catch' her doing something desirable--then ring 'em loud and proud. Ding ding ding Thank you! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 As already mentioned you are about to or she is about to start the wonderful journey soon into teen years ..arghhh hahaha ( I am here to swap notes hehe) and it can be damned hard to locate if behaviours are coming from a root or coming from the child to teen transition ..moreso with girls I have found over the years with my friends children who had them earlier then I had mine . So you are ,I think , doing the right thing by getting these issues sorted out now . Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I continue to be appreciative of this forum. Thank you everyone. I changed course a bit this morning, and will have one on one time with her over the weekend. In the cold weather we haven't been running together. I think she misses me, misses feeling strong together. While she is changing, also her Dad and his GF are moving. I am making this weekend a time to retrench. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Sounds like a good plan! Link to comment
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