He said "We need to talk".

[LadyBug1988]

So now he just texted back Remember I only turned my phone off after 1am "I called you straight to voicemail last night. I'm heading to work so when I get out I'll call you". I'm not responding but I'll pick up.

[weathergirl]

So now he just texted back Remember I only turned my phone off after 1am "I called you straight to voicemail last night. I'm heading to work so when I get out I'll call you". I'm not responding but I'll pick up.

 

What a nail biter! Let us know what happens.

 

BTW....I love how you flipped the script here. THAT is what pulling back does! It gets the guy wondering what's up with you instead of the other way around!

 

Now HE is the one who feels nervous and anxious....when initially YOU were the one who felt that way.

 

That's what he gets for sending such an ambiguous message "we need to talk," and then leaving you hanging. I suspect he texted you "????" because after his "we need to talk" text, he assumed/expected you would become insecure/anxious/needy which would give him a sense of control over you.

 

I think his feelings for you may be "scaring" him (for lack of a better word) and he felt/feels somewhat out of control. So he sends the ambiguous text hoping you'd start chasing him down which would get him some control back.

 

I dunno.... Like many have been suggesting this is all just speculation. But it would not be the first time a guy has used this tactic to gain some control over the woman.

 

Let us know!!

[Griffey]

How old r u two?

[zebragirl]

I just think it's really immature to play this game. Quit turning off your phone. The first thing you should have done is text back with let me know when you want to talk, right after he said he needed to talk. You are automatically assuming he's breaking up with you.

[LadyBug1988]

I didn't think of it that way, I wonder if he is as anxious as I was and wondering about me??? That would be interesting... I really hope this isn't a control tactic, I genuinely began to believe he just needed space but now idk. I have a lot of stuff planned for today so hopefully he calls at a convenient time, I can't wait around. I'll definitely let you know

[LadyBug1988]

How old r u two?

 

26 and 27...

[Heather Dawn]

I just think it's really immature to play this game. Quit turning off your phone. The first thing you should have done is text back with let me know when you want to talk, right after he said he needed to talk. You are automatically assuming he's breaking up with you.

 

Agree 100%. This is not how two adults handle a situation.

[weathergirl]

I just think it's really immature to play this game. Quit turning off your phone. The first thing you should have done is text back with let me know when you want to talk, right after he said he needed to talk. You are automatically assuming he's breaking up with you.

 

Why should SHE have to chase him down to schedule a time? HE is the one who wants to talk, HE should have followed up and given her a time!

 

Her response "okay" was the perfect response. She shouldn't have to text AGAIN asking for a time...that's his job since he is the one who said he need to talk. Jeez.

 

I agree she should not have turned her phone off though. That's was a bit much. And I don't know what he expected after he texts "?????.". What the hell. How does one respond to that?

 

He is a grown man, something is on his mind he should say so..and not send ambiguous texts expecting her to read his mind or pin him down for a specific time. Not her job!

 

We teach people how to treat us! What she's taught him is that she refuses to be given the run around. Not acceptable. He has something to say or talk with her about...then just say it and stop with the cryptic texts!

 

I think she handled it great...

[missmarple]

The thing is that, at this point, it seems like it's all up to him. Sure, he was the one who said they had to talk and then he disappeared...and the OP did nothing about that...except waiting for his 'verdict'.

What she SHOULD have done, in my opinion, and what I would have done if my bf behaved like that is send one text asking if he's ok after a couple of days and if he was indeed ok, I'd tell him 'you know what? we don't need to talk..you're acting like a jerk..bye and good luck'.

[reinventmyself]

I agree.

This is a guy who has pursued her, established a pattern of consistently communicating with her on a regular basis. He now backs way the back up. . gives her a cryptic message about needed `to talk' yet doesn't arrange a time or place to do this. Leaves her hanging and wondering which he has know would cause her concern and experiencing a certain amount of discomfort at this point. Add into to that he pattern of communication has drastically changed. I sense something is up!

 

She is merely not letting this push her buttons or give him a reaction he may be expecting. I don't know if I would turn my phone off, other than late at night for the purpose of sleeping. But I definitely wouldn't jump because he randomly reached out.

 

I would however hear him out when and if he gets around to saying what's on his mind. The suspense would make me crazy but much like her I wouldn't let him see it.

 

Let us know what happens. . .sending you some more strength!!

[weathergirl]

The thing is that, at this point, it seems like it's all up to him. Sure, he was the one who said they had to talk and then he disappeared...and the OP did nothing about that...except waiting for his 'verdict'.

What she SHOULD have done, in my opinion, and what I would have done if my bf behaved like that is send one text asking if he's ok after a couple of days and if he was indeed ok, I'd tell him 'you know what? we don't need to talk..you're acting like a jerk..bye and good luck'.

 

Fair point...but IMO unless he was in a coma, there is no good reason why he couldn't have followed up since again HE is the one who asked for the talk.

[missmarple]

Fair point...but IMO unless he was in a coma, there is no good reason why he couldn't have followed up since again HE is the one who asked for the talk.

 

Exactly..and that's why she should have ended this and not wait for 'the talk'.

[Sportster2005]

But he is pushing her buttons or she wouldn't still be here talking about it. She would be indifferent and have no need to think or talk it about anymore. This has deteriorated into games with observers picking sides.

[weathergirl]

But he is pushing her buttons or she wouldn't still be here talking about it. She would be indifferent and have no need to think or talk it about anymore. This has deteriorated into games with observers picking sides.

 

Actually the OP is not the one talking about this ad nauseum......WE are. She has posted a few posts in response but it's mostly all of us dissecting this to the nth degree, NOT the OP.

 

It appears the OP has everything under control....including herself! It is all of us who are "up in arms" about it! LOL

[Sportster2005]

Actually the OP is not the one talking about this ad nauseum......WE are. She has posted a few posts in response but it's mostly all of us dissecting this to the nth degree, NOT the OP.

 

It appears the OP has everything under control....including herself! It is all of us who are "up in arms" about it! LOL

 

Touché. Hope you're right.

[Ms Darcy]

Turning off your phone at 1 am is not playing games. It's shutting out distractions and trying to get a good night's sleep.

[SoulTaker]

So now he just texted back Remember I only turned my phone off after 1am "I called you straight to voicemail last night. I'm heading to work so when I get out I'll call you". I'm not responding but I'll pick up.

 

LB, as you know, this has evolved into more than just "having the talk". It's now more about how it was handled by him. Both issues will have to be discussed if you decide to stay with him. Communications between the two of you have somewhat broken down at this point, although you've stated that it was good in your opening update.

[Sportster2005]

Turning off your phone at 1 am is not playing games. It's shutting out distractions and trying to get a good night's sleep.

 

It doesn't like that was her intention. Sounded more like a volley in the ongoing war.

[LadyBug1988]

So he called again and I answered, he sounded so shy and strange. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him "I feel happy to hear your voice", he asked me to repeat myself and then repeated it after me, then said he was very happy to hear mine too and then seemed more comfortable. He started asking about my day, and told me that a lot in his life has suddenly changed. I saw on the news a few nights ago that a school in his town shut down (he's a teacher), and it was apparently his school so he lost his job. To compensate he's taken on some strange position that also involves working with children 7 days a week and he gets out at 11pm every night?? He still has his 2 coaching jobs as well, and he said he doesn't have time for anything anymore.

 

His father recently abandoned his mom and two younger sisters leaving him responsible for their mortgage and everything else the family needs so he has to maintain a certain income. I told him I respected it but, I didn't understand that schedule and everything that's going on. He said he was currently on break and uncomfortable having a deep personal conversation with me, and he needed to see me, he wants to tell me everything that has been going on in person, and he wants to spend time together urgently. I told him my only day off was tomorrow, and he asked if we could see each other when he gets out after 11. I asked him if we could do another day and he offered to take a day off work next week to spend with me, but I have no days off during the week so I told him we could shoot for tomorrow. It was loud where he was and his break was ending and he seemed flustered, I told him I'd let him go and sensed hesitance, he offered to call me after work but I told him it was okay and said goodbye. I really wanted to tell him I loved him before hanging up, I've only told him once on NYE but I stopped myself.

 

I'm very confused as to why he couldn't just tell me this 3 days ago instead of half communicating with me, and I still don't understand what's going on. I just don't understand.

[weathergirl]

I won't even attempt to speculate about this one lb. Sounds a little shady...but it could be legit. You're just gonna have to wait till tomorrow after 11:00 pm to find out.

 

The thing that sounds off is that he started pulling back last Sunday after you spent the night prior, but he said he lost his job after that (a few days ago) so what made him pull back after last Sunday...before he lost his job?

 

And this job working with kids but doesn't get off till 11:00 pm? Sounds strange unless he is a janitor or something.

 

But again it's all speculation...just wait and see.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted! We're here for ya!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's trying to breakup with you.

 

I don't know what's going on, but I suspect your gut is telling you something is fishy.

 

Either way, don't say you love him. Be more prepared to listen and ask questions if needed as this relationship may be coming to a close.

[loveology]

I mean, if he is working at some type of live-in institution for troubled kids or something like that, getting out at 11 pm might make sense? I have friends who did that when they got out of college and the hours can be very strange. Still a bit odd though especially for someone who used to be a teacher. Also, even if he's getting out at 11 pm I would still think that he could have found at least one time to call you, leave you a voicemail if you didn't answer, or shoot you a quick text telling you exactly what's going on.

 

This still seems fishy to me but I hope I'm wrong.

[chickadeedee]

>>He said he had been feeling sick and Tuesday was his first day back to work from winter break so it's been crazy for him.

 

Ok, a few days ago he told you he wasn't communicating because he just got back from break at work. Yet now he's saying he lost that job and is not teaching? So which is it? How could he be back after a school break at a job he says he no longer has?

 

I think he is lying. Something else is going on. Does he have an ex or wife he could have gone back to? Only being available after 11 pm at night is just weird. After she's gone to sleep and he can sneak out?

 

You need to get to the bottom of this and quit fooling around. Something not right is going on, and he's telling conflicting stories that don't make sense. I would prepare yourself to discover something like he's gone back to an ex or has a new GF and is juggling you both etc. You've only dated this guy 3 months, which means you do not know him well and there could be all kinds of problems you are not aware of.

 

I've had 2 experiences like this. I dated one guy for a summer, only to discover that he was married and separated and he hadn't told me about that, and he got back with his wife on no notice at all, just one day everything fine between us, and the next he was back with the wife I didn't even know existed.

 

The second time I dated this guy for a bit, only to be at his house watching TV one night and looked up to see a woman peering thru the window at us with a look of shock on her face. Turned out he had a steady GF of 3 years where the GF had gone to Europe with her mother for a long tour to see family, and he just started dating me while the GF was gone for a few months, and the GF came home early and had no clue what he was doing, and neither did I until the GF showed up on his doorstep.

 

So where there's smoke there's fire. You need to investigate what is going on very carefully, and not treat him with the trust one would a long term BF or husband because he is neither. Sudden disappearances and shady excuses for dropping out of sight need to be carefully investigated because they are signs of something shady going on, otherwise there would be no need for them.

[LadyBug1988]

The weird thing is he didn't tell me he lost his job, I remember seeing it on the news but I wasn't sure it was his school, it just turns out it was after he mentioned the name. I never mentioned that I know his school closed down, I was waiting for him to tell me. He had been mentioning picking up another job a few weeks ago but he said he'd be quitting his old lower paying one at some after school program and getting out a bit later. I don't see what type of after school program would have him there until 11, I asked if it was a group home and he told me the name of the program but I couldn't find it online. He was on break from school and it ended on Tuesday, but according to the news the school closed on Wednesday and he texted me telling me he was feeling sick that day and simply wasn't going in. This was a brand new job he hasn't been in over 3 months, he left his old job for this one, so I don't get why he wouldn't tell me he lost it and pretend he's just ill and busy. I also know the boiler in his house is broken and it's around $3,000 to fix, they're currently bathing in boiled water with a bucket and it's close to -1 degrees right now where I live. I also know he's supporting his father while he's in their home country and helped fly his mom and two sisters down and possibly back a few weeks ago. Money is a tremendous issue to him, and all the weirdness happened the moment his family returned as they came back Monday.

 

There was an ex gf he had been with for 3 years who he had been seeing around April or May, when we first began dating her sister found out on Facebook and called him very upset because the girl was under the impression they would someday get back together. Since he put the conversation on speaker specifically so I could hear, I realized they hadn't spoken in over 6 months and had agreed to end their relationship, it was the sister who was being nosey and trying to control her younger sister's love life. I double checked and him and the ex weren't even Facebook friends though he and the sister still are, even after that crazy conversation. He also told me she called again after that time. He's a person who want's to be on good terms with everyone, he doesn't like when people don't like him or tension so perhaps that's why he left her sister on?

 

I just don't understand, this man has been going incredibly above and beyond and all of a sudden on Sunday/Monday he completely changes his mind about me without anything happening in our relationship? Could the finances matter that much? Regardless I'm completely backed off and not contacting unless he initiate, no words of affection have been used on either side since Sunday which is insane because he's big on them. I just wish he'd tell me he doesn't want to be together over the phone rather than having me meet him an hour away because we live very far from each other which was another challenge. I know if a man really wants to be with you he will find every excuse to, so if he tries to tell me some nonsense, I know it's something else.

 

He also eagerly paraded me around all of his friends and his entire family, we spent extensive time together. If he was married or had a long term gf, I'd hope that as women his mom and sisters or any of the female cousins I met would tell me. I even met his closest mentors and all of these people knew my entire life story telling me he was incredibly serious about me. He would mention marriage all the time and what our children would look like, and that he's getting older and wants to settle down and have a family. Then came expensive jewelry and spending time with my family, he showed up at my grandma's house like he was going to a job interview for Christmas. He has invested a LOT, so I don't get why he'd just throw it all away.

[chickadeedee]

This is a man who is hiding things from you and not being open and honest and is being secretive about a lot of things. That should give you MAJOR reason to pause and investigate. Everything he's told you is just words, and any of it could be a lie to disguise something else going on. Money could be a tremendous issue because he's a gambler, or he's a drug addict, or he has 3 baby mama's he's never told you about, or he owes massive amounts of money and his checks are being garnished. Perhaps he's owes money to all kinds of creditors, or is a criminal who has been adjudged to pay a large fine as part of his sentence. You just don't know him well enough to know exactly what is going on, but obviously SOMETHING is going on and he is lying and covering things up.

 

He is obviously lying about a lot of things that you've already caught him in the lie and cover ups when there is no logical reason for him to be doing that. I suggest you be extremely cautious and consider breaking up with him because there is obviously something shady going on here.