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a testcase for finding the issues


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Well I figured it's a new year. Maybe I should start a journal. I need to hold myself accountable and make the positive changes I've been striving to make for years. Maybe this way I can see the progress. If I'm lucky I can see where I'm going from where I've been.


This year I'm setting out to get back in shape, get healthy, and hopefully find someone special. That's about all I need. I mean on paper my life is great. Have a great job. Great friends. I'm much luckier in those respects than many. But that doesn't equate to happiness. I know some people can put themselves in their work and feel complete. That's just not me. Never has been never will be. I mean don't get me wrong I love my job, but I think I need to find my peace elsewhere.


Recently I realized it's been a long time since I've been in love. Really long time. Sure I've said the words. I've dated... a lot. It's been a lot of fun. But it's been forever since I've found someone with whom I just click. Of the girls I've dated I felt closer to some than others obviously. But I haven't been completely crazy about a woman in years. Actually that's not true. There is one girl. I just never got my fair shot with her. Maybe the timing wasn't right. Over the years I've tried to convince myself she wasn't right for me. It hasn't worked... but I tried. I guess that's another other reason I'm starting this journal now. I think I have another chance. I'm not sure what will happen. I just know I have to give it my best this time.


At the end of the day I know I can only do what I can do. I can get in shape/healthy and take it from there. I'm going to give this my best shot, but if it doesn't work out I'll be happy knowing I tried. If I'm healthy, at the very least, I'll be in a better place than where I started regardless.

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I was at a good friends party the other night. Great to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I guess that's what happens when you start getting older. People start their own lives and it gets tough to find time to get everyone together.


One thing funny that happened was all the dating advice my friend and I were getting. At this point my friend, I'll call her F, and I have been single the longest and probably dated the most out of our group of friends. Obviously all our married friends think there's something wrong with us. I guess the grass is always greener. It seems to me when you're single you want to be in a relationship. I can only assume when you've been married for years and you see your single friends doing whatever they want there's a bit of jealousy going on there too.


We were just commenting though on how ridiculous it is when people who are married give you advice about dating. Sure there's advice I'd take. If one of my recently coupled friends was giving me advice I'd listen. But when someone who hasn't dated for 10 years, or since the inception of online dating, tries to give advice I just kind of laugh it off. We don't go around giving advice on how to be married. We'd be out of our element. We do, however, date a ton so we know a thing or two about dating. Does that mean I know it all? Of course not! I haven't had a serious relationship in a little while. I do know how to get dates, make sure my date has fun, and keep the rouse going on for about two months tho.

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I'm already putting all my eggs in one basket and it worries me. There's this girl, J, I want to date. She's really all I want right now. Will I be able to date her exclusively? I don't know but I'm going to give it my all.


It's worrying my cause I'm already emotionally invested. I know I like this girl. I'm not quite sure what she's looking for from me. It's been forever since I've been in a situation like this. Normally I don't get invested unless I know the interest is equal. I guess with all the history we have there'd be no way we could be on equal ground. We both have opinions and I don't think either of us know what the others intentions are. Maybe we'll get lucky and be on the same page.


Still, I have to be realistic. I'm tired of dating. I've worn myself out these last few months. I'm trying to set some dates up to spread myself around a bit. But if things don't work out with J I think I'm going to take a long break from dating. Maybe 3+ months. Hit the gym. Get my mind right. Give it another go in the spring.

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I don't know if it's something in the air or what... but my mind has been everywhere today. Racing 1000 miles per hour every which way. I'm having a drink to relax a bit and calm down, but I told myself my new years resolution would be to drink less and get back in shape. I guess there's always tomorrow.


I tried to set up a date with J. Hopefully we'll meet up this week. There's about 4 other girls I'm talking to online but I don't even want to date them. I'll probably end up pushing myself to go for it but I'm already all in, in my mind, with J. I'm trying to pick up my place a bit but it's a mess and it's pissing me off. I wish my roommate and I worked better as a unit when it came to keeping stuff tidy and keeping the house clean. I mean I wouldn't even invite a girl over right now with the place looking like it is. It's a damn shame when you can't feel comfortable in your own home. I'll try to finish picking up tomorrow.


Just a completely random thought and that's been swimming around my head today. It's more an observation of something that sucks. I have a terrible memory. I know there's plenty of people who say their memory is awful.... but mine is borderline non existent. Now I've certainly done many a thing in my life that wouldn't help my memory, but I don't think that's what's done it. I just don't think I've ever had a good one. It sucks because I've had a lot of the same friends throughout my life. We'll get together and reminisce about old times and it's like I wasn't even there. They mention things I said or did. Everyone remembers it but me. How do I not remember that??? I can certainly look forward to the future, but when the present isn't that great it really sucks not being able to remember the past.

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Well the date with J was pushed back a week. I saw that coming. Probably for the best considering how I've been feeling lately. Still, I'd really like to see her more often. I honestly can't believe how long it's already been! I know I saw her right before the holidays began, then it gets crazy so that'll make things tough. I'm just going to roll with the punches. She's busy and I can respect that. I have a few other dates I could set up online but I don't really want to go on them. I should probably set them up anyway. I'm sure I'd have a good time. I was actually just talking about this earlier with a friend. It sucks being an "old fashion" guy, or whatever they call it, in these online dating times. I don't like dating more than one person at a time. Never have. Still, in the internet era it's almost foolish not to. Should I put all my eggs in this basket with this girl I haven't seen in weeks? I really, really want to. But, realistically I probably shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what I should do and shouldn't do. Maybe I should just do what feels right.


Recently I've been thinking I really need to start volunteering my time somewhere. I feel like I've been living a pretty selfish life and I'm not sure why. Being single at my age with no kids... I should be giving back. I live in a city that could always use a little love. There has to be some good stuff I can do around here for my community. I'll start looking online. I always wanted to be a teacher. Maybe I could do some free tutoring or something? That'd be pretty awesome.

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Been a pretty terrible day. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I think I've hit rock bottom. I hope to hell this is rock bottom cause I don't want to see worse than this.


I've been living two lives for a few years now. There's my professional life, which has been better than ever. Then there's my private personal life, which seems to be spiraling out of control. For the most part they've managed to stay separate but I'm worried if I don't turn s*** around right now they're going to clash bad. I don't have any more excuses. I have to get things in order. I'm at a point where I'm hanging by a string and if I make one little mistake it'll all come crashing down on me. Honestly, the scariest part is I'm really worried I'll make that mistake. Not today. Not tomorrow. But a few months, a year, or years from now? That'll be the real test.


I've worked hard, and been lucky, to get where I am. Hopefully I won't ruin it all with an extreme act of stupidity. I'm skating on some real thin ice.

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Had a fun weekend! Since my last post things have been looking up a bit. In better spirits. Hit the gym for my first REAL good workout of the year. Been sore for days since but I'm ready to go back and crush it again tomorrow. It def felt good to get in a workout like that. I needed one of those and I'm going to need many more. Gotta stay disciplined because the metabolism isn't what it used to be!


Trying to set up the date with J. Haven't heard back from her since I tried to set it up. It's the first time since we've been back in touch she hasn't got back to me. Not sure what to make of it but it's obviously not a good sign. I'm honestly surprised. It's funny I think about the advice I'd get from this forum if I made a post about this. Everyone would say drop it, don't put up with it. I don't know why I am. Any other girl I'd have 0 problems cutting it off. This girl? There's something special about her. I realize she might not feel the same way about me. I won't be getting my hopes up anymore than I already have. I've been here with her before.


Actually, if I'm real with myself there's nothing even to cut off. She's always kept me so casual it's ridiculous. If I really think about it maybe I don't even know how to process what's happening between us. I mean in years and years of dating I've never been in another situation even remotely like this. I'm putting in a fight to make it anything more than it's been, but it takes two to tango. It'll never be anything more than she wants. If she continues to keep me at a distance I'll only ever get what I've been getting. Unfortunately, for me, I don't think that's enough anymore.

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My history with J eh? Well I can only tell it as I know it. Cause I have no idea what she's thinking. I've known her for about 4 or 5 years? We would date, have ridiculous amounts of fun, hook up, then not see each other for a while. We never dated exclusively, we never got the chance to get there, maybe we never will. At the time it seemed right. I mean I would have dated her exclusively... it just never seemed like an option I had. I was also enjoying dating around at the time. I was out of a pretty serious relationship, so I was going with the flow. Recently we got back in touch after a really long time of not talking and so far it's seemed just like old times. I don't know if that's good or bad.


At this point I'd like to date her seriously... but who knows what's going on. If I can't see her with any kind of consistency it's never going to happen. I'm trying, but she's keeping her distance. I can't win if she doesn't let me in.

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I've been thinking a lot about moving out west recently. I really feel like I could use a fresh start. Now don't get me wrong I love my city. Love my city to death. I've just been here for so long, everyone's moving on to different phases of their life, and I feel like I'm stuck behind. A new city... a new coast? That could breath some new life in to me. Force me to branch out, make new connections, meet new single/like minded people. It'd be tough. My whole life is here. All my family, my friends, everything I've known. But aren't the toughest things in life the best for you sometimes?


In a lot of ways I think now is the perfect time. Any other time in my life I would have been too scared. I don't know if I'd be scared to leave my friends / family, or start a new. Now I feel like most of my friends and family are living their own lives already, and I'd be more comfortable starting a new than I've ever been. I just know I could do it. In a lot of ways, in the past few years, I've done it in the comfort of a familiar area. And if I failed? I could always come back home. This place will always be the same. Also, not that my life is all about money and I probably make too much already, I could probably make another 30-50k out west. The best of the best in my field are out there and it'd be a good place to test my skills / stay cutting edge. Any work I'd find out there would push my career in a whole new direction. As much as I love my current job, that might not be a bad thing.


My date with J is not happening this week. Honestly, who knows when I'll see her again. At this point I'm done pressing the issue. I really, really tried to set up the date and it's just not happening. That's ok. She knows where I am if she wants to see me again... and she knows I want to see her.


I've been hitting the gym consistently and I'm happy about that. Just need to get it to that point where it's a habit and I'm not even thinking about it. I'm down 12 pounds on the year but I think that's about to slow down. I'll have no worries with that as long as I can keep putting on muscle and slimming down. Weight is nothing but a number. The other number? Age! It's amazing how you don't even realize you're getting older. It's in the little things I guess. Grey hair, if you have hair at all, knowledge, recovery, metabolism, friends and their families, references to things you remember, hangovers. Triggers from those things are really the only time I start to feel old. I want to get in the best shape I've ever been in to show myself I can still do it. I'm on my way. Just have to stick with it.

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I always like looking at my start date here. That's one thing I can certainly remember. The event that brought me to this forum. It's coming up on 7 years since the end of my 6 year relationship, and it's tough to believe all I've been through since.


I suppose I can say my ex has been with her now husband longer than me. 7 years ago I thought that's a milestone they'd never make. It honestly doesn't matter, at least to me, anymore. I did think I'd find another love by now. I know you can't put a timeline on these things. But 7 years? It seems like it should have happened.


You know one of the funny, odd coincidences? J was the first person I hooked up with after my 6 year relationship from A ended. I've been with many girls since, but J helped me get my groove back. Thinking about the timeline it's sad it took me so long to move on. It's probably even sadder that I'm still not completely over A and I'll probably never completely move on. I think I've just accepted that's the way I am.


I do still believe I can find someone better for me. There's someone out there I can truly love again. I just hope I'm ready for it when I find them. I really feel like if I'm not there now... I'm really, really close.

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Well here it is Friday night and I'm on this site. My friends are getting old/lame. Yet another reason to move out west!


I think I'm done fighting for J. I mean obviously I'd talk to her again. Anytime she reaches out I'll be there to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just done putting in my effort. I've been trying to set up a date for weeks... and I've kept getting reasons to push it back. She's never come back and told me a time that'd work for her. I'm coming to the conclusion, which I should have known from the get go, she just doesn't see things the same way I do. I may try to set up one more date, cause I told her I would, but I'm tired of all the bs. I mean this is a girl I'm crazy about.... I'd jump through hoops for her... but everyone has their limits. She could have come back with a date for any weekend, or any other day for that matter, and she hasn't. It's time for me to face the facts. We're coming from two very different levels of interest. I'm all about about her... she seems indifferent about me. That's a shame.


So I'm back online dating. Yay. I'm obviously not really excited about it but I'll keep this journal up to date. I'm on about every site you could be on. I just asked someone I've been talking to on tinder for a long time out after work. We live in the same neighborhood so it should be an easy date. There's also 2-5 girls I was talking to on eHarmony when I stopped logging on to the site. I should send them all emails tomorrow. I'll try to set up a date or two next week.


At the very least I'm hitting the gym tomorrow. Should be a great day


Oooo one more thing before I go. Just a random though as I often give in these posts. My friend F... I'm jealous of her. Jealous of the ease with which she hooks up. Sure she lives in a city that's busier than mine... and she works a job where she has more connections. Still, things that take a constant effort for men are simple for her. I often read the dating journals here and I'm just shocked out how things are from the women's side.

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I remember there being an interesting thread here a while back. It was titled something like "Can I be single and have a healthy sex life?" I don't know if someone answered that age old question. But I'm going to find that thread and see.... cause personally I think it's impossible.

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Had a pretty good weekend. Not ready to go back to work! Rolled outta bed around 10, hit the gym, worked on my car, got some good stuff done.


Think I might have 3 dates this week. So much for that break from dating! I guess breaks are overrated anyway. Got a date with J so I'm excited about that. That's really the only date I really care about. I'm sure the other two will be lots of fun.


The one I'm going on tomorrow is with a girl who's recently out of a pretty long relationship. That could be perfect. She's not looking for anything serious. Just wants to have some fun dates. I certainly know how to make a date fun.

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Two dates down this week. One more to go.


Just got back with my date with J. I don't know how it went. I hope it went well! I was so nervous!! This is a girl I've known for a while, I've slept with, yet I'm stupidly nervous on this date. Which is odd because I'm almost never nervous on dates. She did most of the talking and I hope that's ok. It was certainly nice to listen to her. Just sitting there listening to the way her mind works it's easy to see why I'm as crazy about her as I am. She's smart, open minded, compassionate, driven, beautiful. I mean she has it all. I do feel like this time I didn't bring much to the table. The chemistry felt off cause I just wasn't relaxed and on my game. I was being too damn quiet. Hopefully today she just needed someone to listen and I certainly did that. Hopefully I'll get another chance.


Had a date with A on Tuesday night. I think it went pretty well. I don't know how much I'm feeling her but she juts got out of a long relationship and isn't looking for anything serious... so this might be a good dating situation for me. The date went well and we certainly had a lot of fun. Very easy to talk to, not shy. We'll see if I can get another date with her. I sent her a message today and she didn't get back to me. Maybe it didn't go as well as I think it did. I guess I won't mind either way.


One more date tomorrow! I'm actually pretty excited about this one too. This girl seems very beautiful and very smart. Hopefully I'll bring my A game, the one I didn't bring tonight, tomorrow. I really think with J I've just built her up too much. It's like I've put her on a pedestal and now I'm just shooting myself in the foot. She obviously liked me. We've had some crazy, crazy fun dates. I just hope this one, which was just a chill dinner, wasn't a let down for her compared to the madness we've usually had. I guess I'll see if there's a next time.

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My date tonight canceled. I knew 3 dates, in 3 days, going off without a hitch was too much to ask for! I'm actually pretty bummed cause I think I would have liked this girl a lot. She said she wanted to reschedule for next week so I told her to let me know what days work for her and that we'll figure something out.


The girl I went out with on Tuesday hasn't gotten back to me since. I definitely feel like the date went pretty well but maybe I was a bit too aggressive at the end? We made out quite a bit and maybe that was a bit too much. If she had a good time you'd think she'd get back to me. I guess I'll see!


I'm replaying this date with J in my mind and I really feel like I screwed it up. I wish I was in a better place that night cause I definitely wasn't on my game. A late night with the date before, and a lot of time between dates, probably threw me off. The only way I'll see is by trying to get another date and seeing if I can bring it then. We've def had lots of fun many other times. I'll have to find a fun activity going on and invite her. That'd be good.

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Well I'm glad that you finally got that date with J. Don't psyche yourself out, though it's hard not to replay it all in your mind and think the worst....even though you feel that you were "off" on this date, you guys already have history she knows who you are and your temperament already, try not to stress it!

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Well I'm glad that you finally got that date with J. Don't psyche yourself out, though it's hard not to replay it all in your mind and think the worst....even though you feel that you were "off" on this date, you guys already have history she knows who you are and your temperament already, try not to stress it!


Ya, thanks! You're right! One big thing I don't know if I've mentioned is she's a single mom. So I know it's tough for her to find time. She has to see friends and maintain some kind of social life. She has a ton of interests she wants to pursue. There's her career. And obviously, most importantly, her child. I mean it's just not easy and I can definitely understand that. I'm going to try to work with her schedule the best I can and if she wants to see me I'm there. If she doesn't I'll just keep on keeping on. I have a bunch of other important things to focus on, work on, in my life but I certainly won't let her pass me by without trying!

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So at this point I'm realizing J is probably not going to happen. That doesn't mean I'm going to give up, but I'll certainly put my focus elsewhere. Maybe one day in the future I'll have a real chance. But hopefully I'll be in a better place with someone else by then. It's hard to believe that throughout all these years, with all these times we've been in touch, I've never gotten a legitimate shot to date her. Hard to believe and frustrating.


I really wonder when I became such an introvert. I mean people that know me from the surface probably can't tell. I go out a lot, I can talk to anyone, I can be outgoing when I need to.... but it's all so exhausting to me. And I really don't think it's always been this way. Probably a combination of my 6 year relationship and the substances I took around that time. There's no doubt I came out of that a different man. As much as I've tried to "get myself back" I guess I've just never got there. Or I got to who I am now... who's not bad. Just a far different man.


The fact of the matter is introvert or no introvert I need to make some changes. I need to keep pushing myself to get out there, experience new things, and meet new people. I don't think I've had a female friend in 15 years. Well, actually some of my friends wives/girlfriends but no single female friends for that long. For a while I thought it was great. Maybe it's like I'm protecting myself. Can't fall for a female friend. Can't get hurt by a female friend. You always leave that door open to hook up in the future when you're an acquaintance. I suppose it's worked out for me as I've dated a lot and I've had a lot of fun. Still, I feel like I'm missing some serious connections. I'm just becoming disconnected from people and it's awful.

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So I heard back from the girl I dated last Tuesday. I'll call her AN She said she's been feeling kind of sick since our date, but that we'll probably figure out a time to get together this week. She could be politely dodging me. I guess I'll see. I really think this would be a great situation cause she's just out of an 11 year relationship and not looking for anything serious. She was joking to me that she's trying to make bad decisions for the next few months. Who better to make bad decisions with than me? I'm a pro at bad decisions. A few months in something not serious would be just what the doctor ordered. I could still focus on myself and getting ready for summer while having a friend to spend time with here and there.


The other girl I was supposed to date last Thursday, who canceled AL, has not reached out to me. I put the ball in her court and haven't heard from her since. I think if I haven't heard from her by tomorrow night I'll go grab the ball and take one more shot. I mean why not? I really thought I'd have a lot of fun with her and was looking forward to the date. If I send one more text and don't hear anything back I'll let it go.


I reached out to a girl I met about a year ago. We played on the same co-ed sports team and I was interested to see if she was coming back. I haven't seen or talked to her in a few months but it was good to reach out. We caught up a little, talked a little about each others relationships, or lack thereof. This girl's amazingly hot/cute and we actually have a lot in common. I'm not sure if anything will come of it but I'm definitely going to leave the communication open and make sure she knows I'm interested. I do get the sense she's interested too, but I'm going to do a little more recon before I go asking her out.


Lastly there's J. I'm trying to ween myself off her like a drug. I went, emotionally, all in about a month ago and that was a mistake. I'm crazy about her. I'll never say never. But there's no way she can be my only option showing me as little interest as she is. I'll keep being friendly with her and trying to get dates, but my focus is elsewhere. She could have my undivided attention if she ever wanted it. Right now she doesn't.

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Rescheduled the date that canceled last Thursday with AL. Actually very much looking forward to it!


Just started emailing a girl on eHarmony who seems really awesome. I'll probably try to ask her out sometime next week.


I've been hitting the gym real consistently. Still need to make it a habit. I'd say about 80% of the time I'm going now I don't want to go. Once I get there I'm fine but just getting out the door is the hardest part. As long as I keep pushing myself to get there I should be good. I really want to see what kind of shape I can get in to now that I'm getting older. A couple years of inactivity have set me back but I can definitely get past it.

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Just had my date with AL. Not quite sure how it went honestly. She didn't seem that in to it.... but I think that might have just been her personality. Maybe she has a laid back, deadpan personality? When we first met I wasn't even sure it was her. I mentioned her name, she said ya, and then I gave her a hug. She said something like, "OK we're hugging." I knew the kind of night it was going to be from there.


Conversation was good. She definitely seems smart, has a good job, driven, does a lot of good work around the city. From reading all these other journals on here from the beautiful women of ENA and their dating experiences I'll give her another chance lol. I see so many people who don't kiss on the first date. I knew it wasn't going to happen at the end of this one. Normally I'd write it off, but I'm going to try not to and see if she'd like to go out again.

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i think it' good that you will give it a second date, people can be a bit off on first dates, nerves get tin the way etc.


Ya. I think normally some of us guys will take the lack of kiss as a lack of interest. I know first dates are tough, believe me. Still when things are going well and that chemistry is right it's like you usually feel it off the bat... or at least sometime during the date.


I talked to J today for the first time in a while. It was nice to hear from her. She's going through some bs so I def feel bad for her. I'm going to try to find some fun things going on and suggest them to see if she can go to take her mind off it for a bit.


It's amazing how there's so many girls that could contact me but she's the only one I really want to hear from. I'm always debating backing away but I think it's for the wrong reasons. Why would I back away from her? Am I scared of getting hurt? I don't think that's it. I don't really fear rejection. I'm no stranger to disappointment. I don't know. I have two voices in my head. One's saying this girl's not giving you much... date around, keep all your options open, try to find someone who shows you serious interest, back away. The other voice is saying this girl is amazingly unbelievable... of course you have to fight for her. You've been dating for years and you haven't found anyone as amazing as her since. She's worth it. I think the later voice is right. I truly do. I think the first voice is easier.

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I think that if you want to try to fight for her, then go for it...otherwise you might regret it, right? As long as you go into it fully knowing that she may turn you down, then you'll be ok. No false hope, and if she does turn you down, then you back away for good and move on for real.

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