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a testcase for finding the issues


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Aren't you heavy? I never got guys wanting 10s when they are ... not.

 

Perhaps this is a sign of immaturity?

 

I mean I'm heavy but I think I carry it pretty well. I'm also super critical of myself. I'd say I'm 30 pounds overweight. I've also been lifting a lot so that's on top of a more muscular build than I've ever had. I'd say I'm a few months, and 30 pounds, away from being fit and the best shape I've ever been in.

 

I'm not looking for 10s. My whole life I never really thought I'd say I was anything special. My confidence has taken a huge boost the past decade though. I like the way I look. Have a great job. No kids. Live a very social life with a great network of friends. I mean I think I'm a catch. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of problems.... but I def have a lot going on too.

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I'm sorry ... I'm not trying to judge. I feel like people who like extremes ... especially with thinness ... aren't actually always guided by attraction but rather some perfectionism on top of insecurity. Thin is fine ... but super thin?

 

Anyway, I had a couple of guy friends super into that and they were soooo controlling or judgemental of their gfs eating.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Haha no worries! Judge away!! That's what great about this journal. I just write and if other people chime in I get to hear their perspectives. I know I have a lot of issues and I'm trying to work through what I can. I wish I didn't care about the weight... but I did. I've been missing L like crazy. I've told myself multiple times I was going to reach back out and I stopped myself.

 

Had a good 4th of July. I started dating M last year right around the 4th. I can't believe it's been a year. This whole year I've basically been serial dating. I really think I need a break. I just want to quit all the online dating apps. Focus on getting in shape. I've really let myself go. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I drink tons. I think I just need to step back from everything and focus on clean living. Tomorrow I'm cutting out carbs and taking a week off drinking. I know it's a small step but hopefully it'll kickstart some good habits.

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Well the drinking hasn't really stopped by the diet has been on point! I'm down about 10 pounds in a week. I know the first week is always tough, and it always sees the best results. I still have ~40 to go so I can't get too excited. It's just good to see things going in the right direction. Next week the break from drinking will begin and I'll start my full journey.

 

I've been missing L everyday. I saw she had a profile on a dating site and it struck me. How hypocritical is that?!? I do want her to be happy. I care a lot about her. I can't believe the reaction I had. Not mad she was on... but sad for sure. Sad she's on the same site I'm on. I know I ended things. I was a jerk. I've still thought about her everyday sense and I've constantly questioned what I've done. I hope she has an easier time moving on than me cause I feel like this choice I made isn't going away anytime soon.

 

I also just recently saw a girl I dated a few years ago. I'm sure I've talked about it in this journal but I wasn't ready to date, got friendzoned.... mad a fool of myself multiple times. The plus is she knows I don't want to just be her friend. The downside is she's still friendzonin' me lol. She's surely not the best girl I've dated in many categories... but at this point the rejection and the struggle - not constant - to get with her over the last few years has raised my opinion of her way too high. I need to stop wasting time on her and I wish I did it 3 years ago...

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So I've been missing L. I guess it's been a a while and I haven't been with anyone. Started to get lonely. After a day of solid drinking I did what any idiot would do in that situation... got in touch with an old friend I used to hook up with. Now I'm not saying it's bad because everything had always been cool between us. I have the utmost respect for her and feel like I always will. It was just an idiot move on my part at the wrong time. My mind is mush right now. I wanted a break from dating. I wanted a break from everything... it's like I'm incapable of doing that. For some reason dating/women is always my focus.... even when it shouldn't be. I can't get my mind off it.

 

Now I'm not sure what she wants but reaching back out seems to have struck a cord. I don't know what I want. I can see this leading to another bad situation.

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Congrats on the weight!

 

Do you have a problem with drinking?

 

Reaching out to L when you don't know what you want would be leading her on.

 

Thanks! I have a looooooong way to go and I've hit a snag. I need to get back on track.

 

Do I have a problem drinking? I wouldn't say that. I would say I drink a lot! It hasn't had an impact on any areas of my life, and I like it... so a problem? I'd say no. Truth is I've had an addictive personality my whole life. So if it's not one thing, it's the other. I've never been fully "addicted" to anything I do, as I've quit many things with ease. But I've had a lot of bad habits. I have been cutting back the drinking recently... so that's good!

 

I always write in this journal like someone I know is watching over my shoulder. I don't know why. It's my journal. What's the point of a journal if you feel that way? I haven't reached back out to L. I've missed her terribly but I wouldn't reach back out to hear unless I knew I wanted a relationship. The problem is I reached out to an old FWB and we hooked up. It would appear, at least to me at this time, this old FWB is now looking for more than FWBs. I don't know where I am personally... and to be honest I don't know if I want more than that with her. Part of the whole appeal of what I had with her was that she didn't want anything serious.... I feel like a complete jacass. I don't know why I reached back out to her? I was lonely I guess. Though to be honest... I never expected her response. It's like she wanted to hear from me. For how long it's been that was a bit shocking to me. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

 

There's another girl I started talking to from a serious dating site. A girl that seems awesome in every way. I really wish I could have just started that on it's own... without getting myself in to, what could be, a complicated situation.

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Just had a date. Didn't go so well. Future note. Don't do a first date at a chain restaurant at 11am. Definitely night time, few drinks, much better. I thought we had good conversation... maybe just the chemistry wasn't there. I'm hoping she gives me another chance to take her out again, but she didn't seem that in to it. I guess the only way to find out is to ask her out again.

 

Ran in to J the other day. She was in an event in my city. Looked amazing as always but I didn't spend too much time talking to her. Maybe I'll see her again. Never know.

 

I think L is already dating someone else. She was on an online dating site for like two weeks... now she's off. Good for her. Part of me wanted to reach back out but I was never sure. Better to let her be happy then to mess with her because of my own confusion. I really think she was maybe the best connection I've ever had while dating someone, but the attraction wasn't there and I can't fake that. Best to let her find someone who see's her as being as beautiful as she is.

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As always missing L again today. I see she just became friends with one of my friends... wondering what that's about. I know the guy is on Tinder. Hope they aren't dating. I mean every time I see a friend of hers on there I swipe left. What is it with my city! It feels like high school. I swear everyone dates the same people. I mean last I checked we had a population of about half a million. This shouldn't be happening.

 

I'm thinking about reaching out... and always have been. If she got with this guy though I don't know how I'd feel about it. Always weird with people getting with people I know.... that could be the nail in the coffin. At least it'd let me move on.

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As always missing L again today. I see she just became friends with one of my friends... wondering what that's about. I know the guy is on Tinder. Hope they aren't dating. I mean every time I see a friend of hers on there I swipe left. What is it with my city! It feels like high school. I swear everyone dates the same people. I mean last I checked we had a population of about half a million. This shouldn't be happening.

 

I'm thinking about reaching out... and always have been. If she got with this guy though I don't know how I'd feel about it. Always weird with people getting with people I know.... that could be the nail in the coffin. At least it'd let me move on.

 

OMG TC. .I think you should call her. From what you say everything is good for you two. .but you wrestle with the physical attraction, yet you yourself aren't that confident about your own physical state lately?

Is there a way for you to over look all the emphasis on the package? I am afraid you may miss out on something special.

I dunno . .Only you know. .

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OMG TC. .I think you should call her. From what you say everything is good for you two. .but you wrestle with the physical attraction, yet you yourself aren't that confident about your own physical state lately?

Is there a way for you to over look all the emphasis on the package? I am afraid you may miss out on something special.

I dunno . .Only you know. .

 

Hey thanks. You're probably right. I haven't yet but I'm still thinking about it. I think I just need to quit facebook and step away from dating. Sort myself out a bit. Get on track in other areas of my life. I know she's dating right now and hopefully she's been having some fun. If she's dating the guy I think she's dating I wouldn't be happy about it. He's not a bad guy but I couldn't imagine her dating him. Ug. I guess that's the problem with a small city.

 

I think tomorrow I'm going to step away from social media. Step away from my dating accounts. Just focus on getting back to the gym. Focus on my diet. Focus on getting sleep and focus on work. If I'm still missing her like crazy in a few weeks I'll reach back out. If she doesn't want to hear from me then I can deal with things then.

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I've been feeling a bit better recently. Not that anything has changed per say... I just have this underlying feeling that everything is going to work out. I have a lot to do. A lot to work on myself. But I feel like good things aren't that far away. When I get down and wonder why I'm still single after all this time... I have to know it's just cause I haven't found the right one yet. I'm not trying to look forever. I'm also not trying to settle for the first thing that comes along. I still have a good deal of time and I think she's close.

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Well I hung out with J the other night. It was really great for most of the night. Somehow we got on the conversation of what we're looking for and our history. It's definitely a conversation I wouldn't have started but it happened. I'm not sure how I feel about anything that was said. She knows how I feel about her. I suspect she's always known. At the same time I think it could have ruined the one thing that was important to me. I was always fine with whatever she wanted. Do I want to date her more often and get to know her better? Of course. But I'd be fine with her continuing to hit me up when she did. Being some kind of friend. The night ended badly. We talked a little bit in the morning. Who knows what'll happen from here.

 

I'm stepping away from a lot of things. I've talked about it on here a bunch of times but I'm taking a serious break from drinking. It's time to focus on me. Time to stop focusing on dating.

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Had a really good first date the other night. Was a 7 hour date. Going from place to place around the city. Just amazingly fun. Great conversation. Super comfortable. Very excited to see her again.

 

Also heard from J last weekend. Seems things didn't end as bad as I thought they did. We didn't get to see each other but it was nice to hear from her. I've honestly, probably stupidly, invested a lot of myself in her. I have no idea what that is, or what it's ever been. But I have a great deal of respect for her and I was feeling literally sick to my stomach for days just knowing the way things ended. To hear from her and hear things are still good was a huge weight off my shoulders.

 

I'm really trying to step away from a lot of things this month. I need to step away from life. I've always been one to pride myself in being there for my friends... and I guess it's a tough time for a lot of my friends right now. I want to be there and help them out the best I can... but I feel like the constant go-go-go I've been doing the last decade is really starting to take its toll. Just a short while keeping to myself will do me a world of good... I hope I can stick to it.

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  • 6 months later...

It's been so long since I've posted here. I guess that's how it goes when things are going good! Since this last post I've met someone. It's funny because it happened right after I laid things on the line with J. I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me slightly.... I said my peace. She wasn't down. I had a date lined up with someone else... things have been fantastic with her. Maybe it's just not waiting for the bull? Maybe it's things are as great with the girl I'm seeing as I think they are? I honestly don't know.

 

I do know I'm happy. This could be it. I've reached a point where I'm just seeing things differently. I'm tired of a lot of bs. This girl... A is fun, sexy, successful, smart.... gives me my space when I'm looking for it. I mean things seem perfect! I just need to keep on enjoying what's happening. Things are going great.

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  • 4 months later...

I've been with my ladyfriend now almost a year. She's going on a work trip soon and she'll be gone for about a week. I'm pretty excited to have a weekend to myself! Is that a good / normal thing? I don't know.

 

I think I'm coming to a realization my "single life" is about to end. Is that a bad thing? Is it a good thing? Is it just what it is?

 

If you asked me a decade ago... jeeeeeze almost when I joined this form... I would have told you I was a relationship person. That was just what I knew. What I wanted. Where I was in my life and perfectly content. Well I spent 10 years after that a single man. I mean I dated a lot... but I wasn't in a relationship that felt like marriage without the ring. I always had my out. Always had my breaking point. And to be honest? Being a single man has been awesome! You get to do what you want, when you want, without having to answer to anyone. It's also left me, at least in my adult life, feeling selfish.

 

I need to make a decision. Find out who I want to be. If I want to be a family man... I honestly need to work towards that now. If I don't I guess I have all the time in the world. But I need to know that in order to not waste anyone else's time.

 

Maybe the biggest realization I've made in recent time is that this is my decision. I know I'm a commitmentphobe. I suppose that's an awful thing to be. But it's not like it's what I aim for. It's just that drowning feeling that happens when you have to make decisions with serious / lasting consequences. But being a commitmentphobe is a decision. It's something I don't HAVE to be. I can be in a relationship and go all in. I've done it before.... I don't know why I haven't done it again. I guess being single has been easy. At least it's been easy in some ways. I need to decide if this is the way I want to keep living... and most importantly when I make that decision I need to be able to live with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Testcase,

I thought of you the other day and just now noticed your update.

Hmmm, careful what you wish for right?

My therapist just reminded me of life's biggest struggles is the fear of intimacy and the fear of being alone. And how they two conflict with each other.

I hope you find some peace in your decision. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't.

I am afraid the longer we are alone the more set in our ways we become.

Relationships are about compromising and accountability. Always having to consider another when making even the most simple decision, like what to eat for breakfast. It just not easy when you aren't accustomed with it.

At the same time growing old alone isn't the answer either.

I hope you'll update us on how things are going for you and your lady.

I wish you much luck!!

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  • 1 year later...

Sorry... I haven't posted in forever. I wish I had. This place has always been amazing. I guess I've just been in a good place.

 

I'm about to move in with my GF. I'm nervous, of course, but I think it's going to be great. I just don't want to mess things up. I guess I'm at the point in my life where this move is, it's a test. The ultimate test, for sure. If everything goes well this is who I want to spend my life with. If it doesn't go well? We have our issues, but I'm hoping we can work them all out now.

 

That's all really. First time in more than a decade I've lived with an SO. I hope it's as easy as it was the first time. But I've changed a lot... Hopefully for the better.

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Sorry... I haven't posted in forever. I wish I had. This place has always been amazing. I guess I've just been in a good place.

 

I'm about to move in with my GF. I'm nervous, of course, but I think it's going to be great. I just don't want to mess things up. I guess I'm at the point in my life where this move is, it's a test. The ultimate test, for sure. If everything goes well this is who I want to spend my life with. If it doesn't go well? We have our issues, but I'm hoping we can work them all out now.

 

That's all really. First time in more than a decade I've lived with an SO. I hope it's as easy as it was the first time. But I've changed a lot... Hopefully for the better.

I was excited to see your update, T.

Happy to hear things are going well for you!

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