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a testcase for finding the issues


testcase

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Hey everyone. If you're a reader of my journal, or if not and you're reading now, I'd really like to get your opinion if you don't mind. It's your opinion on if I'm a .

 

Now I'm told many of my very close friends this situation and they all give me the side eye. So is it just me??

 

As most of you reading know I've been seeing L for about two months. I'm not sure where things stand. Actually if I'm being honest I don't think things are going to work out. My main problem with her isn't the chemistry. It's the attraction. To be honest it really sucks and I wish it was different. I've been giving it a lot of time to see if things would change. They haven't. I probably need to end things and be single for a while!

 

So when I'm asking for your opinion I'll state this situation. There's this girl Lay. I've talked about her before in my journal. She was on my football team a year ago. I talked to her again recently. We tx a bit Both expressed we were single semi recently. She has kids, so she's in a different place than me. Still she's UNBELIEVABLY HOT, SUPER AWESOME/NICE and SUPER NERDY. These are honestly things you have serious trouble finding, when you're looking at others compared to my age.

 

We saw each other for the first time in about a year and we were kicking it off like gangbusters. Two... TWO of my friends asked me about L right in front of Lay. Now don't get me wrong. I brought tL to the party but.... DAMN... my friends are going to ask about her in front of someone I'm talking to that I'm attracted to.?

 

That's messed up, right??? Asking your friend about ANY girl when you're talking to a girl. Right???

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Ya I would agree, buuuutt....you're also seeing someone and your friends know you are so they probably didn't even think twice about talking about L. Plus, maybe they didn't realize that you were into Lay....because maybe they just got the vibe that you guys are just friends.

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Ya I would agree, buuuutt....you're also seeing someone and your friends know you are so they probably didn't even think twice about talking about L. Plus, maybe they didn't realize that you were into Lay....because maybe they just got the vibe that you guys are just friends.

Ya... I guess the whole takeaway is I need to end things with L. I mean two months in I shouldn't be feeling this way. It sucks cause I like so many things about her.

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I'm reaching a real breaking point with L. Last time I saw her she wasn't happy with me. None of this is fair to her. She wants more than I do right now. Even if I wanted a relationship I need my space. She seems like someone who doesn't want space. Wants to be very involved in my life. I'm very busy and she doesn't feel like a priority. It's deja vu... only difference is she knows it right away. I've been hesitant to involve her in my life because I haven't been sure about things. That's not fair to her. I know what I need to do.

 

Sometimes I wonder if there's someone out there for me. I guess I have to be happy with myself. I think for the most part I am. Maybe that's my problem. Cause I have a lot of issues I don't want to fix. I see them as a part of me and I'm quite happy with them.

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I talked to an ex a bit the other day. I'll call her. Whatever all my nicknames suck. She's Stef. She messaged me cause there's a lot of really crazy stuff going on in my area. It was honestly great to hear from her. I'm sure I've talked about her here. Certainly on this forum. Maybe not so much in this journal, but it's really not that old of a journal....

 

Either way she messed me cause it's crazy in my area and I guess she was thinking about me. I got a lot of messages from people in this time. She's certainly the one that meant the most to me. Even though I haven't talked to her in months it was nice to know she cared. I'm not sure where to go with it from here. It does leave things better off than I thought I left them off.

 

She could be the one. I think she's only the second woman I've ever thought about spending my life with. The first I've seen the possibility of it becoming a reality. The timing wasn't right. Maybe it's not now. Maybe it never will be. Her reaching out? I guess I should just let it go? Not take it as any sign?

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So what have I left out? So much. I haven't written much since my last post.

 

The other weekend me and my friends were hanging out. I ran in to my old FWB. My friend, who kind of hooked up with her, ran in to her too. She tried to be friendly towards him. He basically responded with some aggression throwing me under the bus too. Honestly I didn't care. We've cleared it up a few times since then. I think if I still wanted to hook up with her she wouldn't be completely against it. There's a lot of crazy stuff going on in my area so that's the least of my concerns.

 

An ex reached out to me. I'd say honestly she's probably only the 2nd woman I've ever loved. It was good to hear from her. It was probably more because of the craziness going on around here. Still it was extremely nice to hear from her and she's on my mind. Maybe I should just send her a message and see how things have been.

 

Then there's L I'm seeing. I still really like L but it's just not happening. The attraction isn't where it needs to be. Honestly I'm at the point where I'm convincing myself to sleep with her. It's not happening as often as it should. When it does happen it's no where near as good as it was. I just don't know. I'm not in to it like I was. I was pulling her hair. We were having crazy passionate sex. I just don't even want to anymore. DAMN that sucks. It is what it is. I still like her. I think she could be soooooo pretty. I'm just attracted to super thin girls these days. That's not her. Damnit.

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I'm going to try to end things this weekend. Let her find someone that appreciates her for her. I think I need to take a long break from dating.

 

I know I'm going to miss her I don't think I've had that much fun dating someone in a while. I do think she's very pretty but the attraction just isn't there anymore...

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  • 2 weeks later...
I'm going to try to end things this weekend. Let her find someone that appreciates her for her. I think I need to take a long break from dating.

 

I know I'm going to miss her I don't think I've had that much fun dating someone in a while. I do think she's very pretty but the attraction just isn't there anymore...

 

So did you end it?

 

Do you think that you'll regret your decision once she's gone?

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Hey thanks for checking in! I took a break from updating this cause I feel like I sound like a real piece of work right now...

 

The truth is I don't know what I want. My thoughts have been all over the place. I was going to end things the weekend before last. We had a talk about us that didn't go well. I was ready to go home. I literally couldn't leave that night though... so we talked it out and ended the night on good terms. Since then it's been more than a week and things have been real good.

 

I'd absolutely miss her if things ended. I like her a lot. I have to figure things out asap. I don't want to waste her time.

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Hey thanks for checking in! I took a break from updating this cause I feel like I sound like a real piece of work right now...

 

The truth is I don't know what I want. My thoughts have been all over the place. I was going to end things the weekend before last. We had a talk about us that didn't go well. I was ready to go home. I literally couldn't leave that night though... so we talked it out and ended the night on good terms. Since then it's been more than a week and things have been real good.

 

I'd absolutely miss her if things ended. I like her a lot. I have to figure things out asap. I don't want to waste her time.

 

I am glad to hear this. . I know how much you would like to have someone to count on.

Second guessing yourself is normal. You're just trying to be conscientious and thoughtful.

These are all good things. .

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What?! Hope by the time you read this you've gotten some clarity and are either at peace w your decision or you've undone things

 

Thank you! We worked it out the next day.

 

I'm not sure if it was good. It was alcohol induced. We'll probably be spending most of the weekend together so we'll see how this one goes.

 

Part of me feels like she's great and I should start/have a good relationship with her.

 

The other part of me feels like it's a waste of time. More importantly her time. I don't care much about mine. If she's in a place where she wants something I can't give her. I need to let her know asap.

 

It's been going on about 3 months. We broke up once. We've had "the talk" multiple times where we've been on different pages. I do think things are getting better. I really do. But how much more can we last?

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I gotta get serious about this diet. I've been going to the gym a lot... which is great. I've also been eating and drinking a lot. Not so great. I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been but I'm not even going to jump on the scale to see. Just have to focus in and eat right. I need to cut out carbs and alcohol. I probably said that about 10 pages back. Still applies!

 

Still seeing L. We had a long weekend together which was nice. Got to see a bunch of friends. We'll see where it goes! We only fought once last weekend so that seems like a step in the right direction.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So me and L broke up the other night. I've spent the time since regretting it. I'm just not sure what to do. The chemistry and connection we had was amazing. I honestly think we were both stable and could have built something good. But for me something was missing. Something was holding me back from taking that jump.

 

I'm not at a point in my life where I really have the luxury of being indecisive. Sure, I don't care... but it's straight up disrespectful to people I care deeply about. I was being indecisive about her. She doesn't have time for me to do that. I respect her way too much to do that.

 

I have strong urges to just tell her I screwed up. Jump in. Be in a relationship. I'm a commitmentphobe and I held back. Maybe the scariest thing for me is things have been going great. Things have been getting better. I mean over the past month or two things haven't really cooled down, but have been steadily improving. In the beginning it was rocky and I wasn't sure. As time has gone on it's gotten better and better.

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Hey testcase, just started reading your journal, luckily not a lot to catch up on. Sorry to hear about you and L ending.

 

I think you made the right decision. While you may both like each other, you don't seem to accept each other for who you are (her on your lifestyle / need for alone time and you on her appearance??), incompatibilities in your needs and you fight a fair bit which isn't really a good way to communicate about issues.

 

I think while you miss her and regret the decision, you shouldn't try to force this. I just ended a 6 months relationship (we broke up 5 times in the last two months and always made up the next day, it was insane). I miss him and he tried really hard to get me to give him another chance, but I know in my head something is not right. A new relationship shouldn't have this much turbulence and you shouldn't have that much doubt about committing to it. So I think you should follow your head (and gut), suck it up and stick it out

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Hey thanks notalady! I appreciate you chiming in. I know. I feel like I did what I had to do. I just wish I didn't have to do it and I wish I was sure about my decision one way or the other. Cause it was like 50/50. So how do I know I didn't make the wrong decision?

 

I just keep having these terrible feelings like I made a mistake. We did get in a lot of fights but I kind of like that in a relationship. Keeps things interesting and shows the passion. I think it was more me having trouble communicating. To her credit she backed off a lot of the things that bothered me initially. That's what makes it so hard. She was cool with me having some time to myself. She didn't give me a hard time about drinking anymore. Also... I think she's very beautiful. I mean she is. It's just the weight thing. Which I completely understand because my weight is higher than it's ever been.... and it's something I've struggled with all my life. I do try to always eat healthy and go to the gym multiple times a week though, which she was doing too. I'm actually pretty sure she's in much better shape than me!

 

I don't know. I'm continuing to think I've made a big mistake. I'm not going to reach out till I'm sure though. You're right I shouldn't have to think about committing to it... but I've always been scared to commit. If I talk to her again and work things out... I'd be ready to make it an official relationship. Right now I just need time to think... and the time is really making me second guess what I did. I mean she probably wouldn't even want me back. We've broken up twice, within a short period of time... and it's all my fault.

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Funny how we will advise you based on the filters we are currently experiencing in our own lives.

Notalady has sound advise. It shouldn't be so hard. She took a brave move and decided to open herself up to someone who is better suited for her.

 

But my filter is much like yours and I tend to in a continual waffling state myself.

Not sure where I am going with this here. . Other than I do see how you own your commitment issues, so I guess your challenge to sort through how much of this is about you and how much of this about whether or not she's the right one.

 

It is interesting how you mention how much better things were getting, yet you ended it. What is that about?

 

You do know you can't keep going back and forth. She will ultimately get tired of the drama and close the door once and for all and you may not have the luxury of returning.

 

I wish you luck Testcase . .because I for one am paying close attention.

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When I broke up with Tyler, I did so because I tried picturing myself having a LTR with him a year or two down the road - and as he was right at that moment, I just couldn't do it. We had a fair amount in common, but also interests outside of our relationship; we spent a few days a week together, but didn't overdo it; we introduced each other to our mothers. I knew logically that Tyler was a good man with a good head on his shoulders; he wanted to buy a house and wanted to get married and have kids some day. He had a good job and a nice car. But I didn't feel passionate about him. There was no fire. I didn't get excited to see him. He went on vacation for a week and I didn't miss him.

 

Weeks later, I am lonely and I regret not being in a relationship; but I don't regret breaking up with him. I knew it wouldn't work.

 

Just take some time and be kind to yourself.

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Funny how we will advise you based on the filters we are currently experiencing in our own lives.

 

That is so true reinventmyself!!

 

I think reinventmyself make some good points. And testcase, if L is truly ok with your lifestyle/habits, not just putting up with it to keep peace (and then blow up one day), and that's the only issue, I would consider trying again. But that's for you to judge. Sometimes it's hard to tell if someone truly accepts you or an aspect of you or just convincing themselves they do but don't actually.

 

While I can see why you are drawn to the fighting and drama, it's not really passion. Passion is passion. Fighting is just lack of communication skills (on one or both parties). I hope you do make that distinction in future relationships and make an effort to communicate calmly and reasonably with them.

 

As for your commitment issues, can you elaborate? Have you previously had trouble committing to a good relationship or did those also have problems you weren't sure about?

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Thanks everyone! Really appreciate all the feedback!

 

Umm I think I've just always been a commitment phobe... not sure how else to explain it. I like being single. I guess I'm pretty independent. I was in a really long relationship about a decade ago. Since then I have dated a lot but haven't had another serious, live in, gf. If I'm being honest I think that 6 year relationship really screwed me up. I thought it'd be easy to move on from but I guess I still have a few lingering effects.

 

I think in this I'm still not sure what to think. I really miss her and I've thought about her everyday. I haven't contacted her yet and she hasn't contacted me. Honestly I'm sure she's pissed at me. I know I'd be mad at me.

 

I had so much fun with her. Really think I could build a good relationship with her. I just can't get over the attraction. That's not to say it isn't there. It's just not where I wish it was. I also know attraction can build. I feel like if I dedicated myself to her, instead of just dating, then things could change. I haven't done that. I've always been held back and obviously that's a nail in the coffin of any relationship.

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