Advice needed on reconnecting

[csdude55]

I was seeing this girl for several months, but she recently broke up with me that she could try to reconcile with her children's father. It was a very emotional break-up, and I don't think she wanted it any more than I did; she kept texting me every day while I was trying to talk her out of it, and at one point said that she thinks she was kidding herself that she might finally be happy (with me), and had to grow up and try to make it work with the father.

 

We still talked online daily, though, trying to just be friends. But I need to be honest: I told her several times that I'll never see her as "just a friend".

 

Last week, she asked me if I could pick her up at work the next day and give her a ride home. I asked if she was sure, because she knows that doing so would mean something to me, and she replied "just as friends". That was a pretty confusing signal... she could have asked a thousand people to give her a ride, but she asked me, knowing how I feel, and knowing that her boyfriend would definitely not like it if he found out. Was it because she wanted to see me, or was I being used?

 

And if we're "just friends", why does she go out of her way to talk to me online every day, on a website that she only visits so she can talk to me?

 

We haven't spoken since last Thursday (the longest we've gone without talking since the day we met), and I'm pretty sure that's because her boyfriend (the father) was off work and she couldn't get away. He's a very controlling, borderline abusive person: he reads her texts and Facebook messages, he doesn't let her leave the house unsupervised, doesn't let her have friends (or even talk to her mom), etc. Which is one reason that I think she fell for me in the first place; I'm not the jealous or controlling type at all and would support her dreams and goals, so I represent all of the things she wishes he was.

 

Anyway, I suspect that on Monday of this week (or maybe next week, if he's off for New Years, too), she'll send me a message that says, "how are you?" This will be after she spent 9 or 10 days with the guy, and they usually have big fights after 2 or 3 days, so I'm guessing she'll be pretty depressed and looking for someone that makes her happy and makes her feel better about herself.

 

When/if this happens, I'm curious how you all would suggest that I respond. I can be aloof and say, "Fine, how are you?" I can be friendly and say "Great! How was your Christmas?" Or I can be honest and open, with something like "Terrible! I missed talking to you for so long."

 

Keeping in mind that, in my heart, I want her back, but in my mind, I'm not so sure. We would be the perfect couple, and I completely understand why she left me, but at the same time, I don't know how I feel about being the second choice.

 

Anyway, all three replies have pros and cons:

 

1. Aloof ("Fine, how are you") - sends the message of "you hurt me, and I don't know how I feel about talking to you now". This puts the burden of pursuit back on her.

 

2. Friendly ("Great! How was your Christmas") - definitely keeps me in the friend-zone and in the game, which may be exactly what she needs right now, but it's hard to work your way out of the friend zone back in to lover territory.

 

3. Honest ("Terrible") - makes it clear that I want her back and want to be more than friends, but it also comes accross as desperate and pushy.

 

Or, I can do as one of my female friends suggests, and just ignore her until she makes a real effort to be with me. Which is tempting; I hate not talking to her, but at the same time, it really hurts to talk to her and her act like I don't mean anything to her.

 

I'm really not the type to play games; I'm way too old for trying to manipulate people and all that crap. I just want to be happy with a girl that I love, and that loves me back. My instinct is to stay in the friend zone and be ready when/if she changes her mind, but that, too, seems pretty desperate and pathetic.

 

What do you guys suggest?

[missmarple]

I suggest you tell her to contact you again when she knows what she wants. You're just her plan B if things with the bf don't work out...is that what you want?

[CraigHowes]

Id listen to your friend and ignore her. She is using you as an option which she knows that'll be there for her when it suits her then she can just go run back to the babies dad.

 

This is not someone you want to be involved with. Let her go and move on with your life. You had a good 7 months and it's good you weren't more heavily invested in her.

 

You know what you want and you won't find it with her.

[greta96]

I would also go with your friend's suggestion and ignore her. Not until she decides what she wants, but forever. Why settle for second best? She already chose the other guy over you once, she is now keeping you as a "friend" because she wants to keep her options open, if he gives her the boot. Plus, as you can see, faithfulness isn't really her strong suit, is it? You're saying the guy is very controlling, checks her Facebook and phone, etc. Well, can you really blame him? Look at what she's doing with you, behind his back! I bet you she's cheated on him before, so he knows how she is, hence his controlling nature (if that's even true, because it's not like she was going to tell you "he's an amazing guy who loves me and treats me well, but I'm just a cheater who wants to have my cake and eat it too")!

 

Why on earth don't you just run away from this drama, I don't know. You should consider yourself blessed to be rid of her, and celebrate the fact that you're now free to meet a single girl, who will want a relationship with you. Instead, you're wasting precious time out of your life overthinking and worrying about a woman who is at home, spending time with her husband and her family, waiting for breadcrumbs! Love yourself a little more, and take off your rose colored glasses! Ignore her and move on.

[mhowe]

She calls you because she knows you will jump.

Agrew with other posters...you are Mr Back up. She isn't planning on leaving him. You are her emotional tampon and used to add spice to her life.

[relevart]

Cut contact with her. It's unhealthy for both of you, but mostly for you. Next time she needs a ride, tell her to call a cab.

[Circe]

I think you need some space from her too. I agree - tell her that if it's ever once and finally over with the father of her kids then to contact you and if you are single you can take it from there. Otherwise - distance and space. No texting, no giving her rides, nothing. It's the best thing for you and her too in the long run.

[csdude55]

Thanks, all for the reality dose. My head knows that you're right, I just have to convince my heart of it.

 

 

Why on earth don't you just run away from this drama, I don't know. You should consider yourself blessed to be rid of her, and celebrate the fact that you're now free to meet a single girl, who will want a relationship with you. Instead, you're wasting precious time out of your life overthinking and worrying about a woman who is at home, spending time with her husband and her family, waiting for breadcrumbs! Love yourself a little more, and take off your rose colored glasses! Ignore her and move on.

 

Deep down, I'm a romantic. I haven't really connected with a woman in at least 12 years, and what I felt for Anna (the girl in the first post) was deeper and more emotional than anything I had ever experienced before. It truly felt like I had finally found what had been missing my whole life. I really don't know if "true love" exists, but if so, I now know what it feels like.

 

But yeah, I do totally over-analyze it. On the one hand, I have to respect her for trying to make it work with the father for the sake of her children, even if it means sacrificing her own happiness. But on the other hand, is it that she's only telling me that to keep me on the back burner? I feel like all of our conversations about her worries and concerns about us being a couple were sincere (her Pentecostal church ostracizing her for leaving the father, whether our families would accept one another because I'm white and she's Mexican, whether I would be a good step-father to her children), but I've been out of the game for awhile... maybe I'm just easily manipulated.

 

20 years ago, I started a relationship with a great girl that wanted a relationship with me. We were happy enough, but I never really felt an emotional connection with her, which is what inevitably killed our relationship. I thought that the emotion would come over time, but it didn't. I would have no problem dating and finding another girl that wants to be with me (a gorgeous girl asked me out on a date just this week), but whether I'll have the same emotional connection that I had with Anna is... doubtful. I WANT the connection I felt with Anna... I just don't know how much of my own heart I can sacrifice in the pursuit.

 

I know you guys are right. It's just really hard to convince myself that I'm not giving up on true love.

[csdude55]

if that's even true, because it's not like she was going to tell you "he's an amazing guy who loves me and treats me well, but I'm just a cheater who wants to have my cake and eat it too"

 

Just an addendum here...

 

She and I have several mutual friends, none of whom are aware of our relationship other than that we're friends. They've all talked about the father being controlling and abusive (a few have expressed concern that he may be physically abusive, although she told me that he isn't), and how they wish she would leave him and find a good man, so I have no doubt that this is completely true.

 

Also, it's worth stating that she and I really did start out as honest-to-God friends. I would jokingly flirt ("Hey, sexy", send winky-face or kissy-face emoticons, things like that), and she would reply with things like "get it out of your head, it's never gonna happen!". But it was never serious, and at the time it never crossed my mind she would seriously be interested in me.

 

She and I did have one (incredible) kiss, and that was at a time when they were on a break; they still lived together for financial reasons, but were sleeping in different beds. This I believe for sure, because the night they broke up she texted with me all night long (we literally chatted for about 10 hours), and there's no way she could have done that if they were in bed together. And she told the same story to some of our mutual friends, which I don't think she would have done if it hadn't been true.

 

Being fair, I'm more of the bad guy here than she is; I was still in a relationship (albeit loveless) at the time of the kiss, so if anyone should question the other's fidelity, she should be questioning mine. And maybe she is; I can't say that I'd blame her. In 20 years, I had never kissed another woman, or even felt the desire to, so it's not like I'm not a cheater by nature. But I don't know if she knows or believes that.

 

During this period, though, we talked about pretty much everything: every person we ever dated or kissed, our sexual partners and experiences, our dreams for long term relationships... everything. I know that she did have a short physical relationship with another guy about 2 years ago, at another time when they were on a break (a story that was confirmed by one of our mutual friends that had set her up with the guy). The story itself was rather embarrassing for her and definitely didn't put her in a good light, so I have no reason to believe that she was holding back any other secrets. I truly believe we told one another every dirty little secret that we had.

 

He begged her to come back a few days after our kiss, though. She told me that she needed to give him one last chance for the sake of the kids, but we kept talking and the emotions kept growing.

 

I know that, on paper, it seems like we were just two cheaters that were just spicing up one another's lives, but it honestly never felt that way. From the day we met, it always felt (to me) like we were meant to be together, and just met at an inconvenient time. For months, even holding hands with my (now ex) girlfriend made me feel like I was cheating on Anna, but when I was with Anna I never felt like I was cheating, so my heart had moved on well before my mind and body had.

 

I can't possibly explain how we both felt at the time, and how I still feel... I guess the difference is whether or not you believe in "true love".

 

Regardless, I know you guys are right, that I need to leave this alone until she's ready to make me her first choice. So I guess I'm just using this as a cheap therapy session for now Six months ago, I would have never believed that I'd be feeling anything even close to this right now.

[SoulTaker]

Op, at this point, you probably need to focus on yourself and not so much on the ex. The feeling that the two of you could be the "perfect couple" is not realistic.

 

Also, it looks like she's probably somewhat sacrificing herself for the children. I've seen this before, and there's nothing you can do about it. For these women, it makes no difference whether the children's father is a good fit for them. The last thing you want to do is come between the kids and the mother.

 

Best to tell her that the two of you are too close to just be friends, and to only get back to you when she's available (which isn't likely). Time for you to move on with your life.

[csdude55]

Yep, you're 100% correct on this one. This is now completely out of my hands, so I have no choice but to let it go. In fact, I almost went the whole day today (Monday) without thinking about her! Until I went to the gym, where I used my frustration to throw some iron around

[SoulTaker]

Yep, you're 100% correct on this one. This is now completely out of my hands, so I have no choice but to let it go. In fact, I almost went the whole day today (Monday) without thinking about her! Until I went to the gym, where I used my frustration to throw some iron around

 

That's good to hear. Don't be surprised if she keeps popping in and out of your life (whenever she needs a break from her bad relationship/marriage).

[csdude55]

I certainly hope not. You guys might not have noticed this, but I tend to be led by my heart, which means I'm definitely not the booty-call type of guy. She might be thinking that she just needs a break with a safety guy, but I would take it totally different.

 

I'm glad you brought this up, though. I need to toughen my heart a bit and be ready to say no when/if that call comes.

 

(I must be the weirdest man in history)