Dating a guy with a child.... Not sure whether there's room left for me.

[Mellie]

Yes - I don't want to think about what else might have been going on in the periphery. I'll never know and it may be better that way. I struggle to feel any gratitude to him for the "out", rather I'm irritated at him pretending he was "in" and being all lovey-dovey in the first place now that he's told me he wasn't really feeling it. I do feel a tiny bit tricked. But oh well. You live and learn. Nobody died. And at least this shows my BS radar works. A bit.

[annie24]

Yes - I don't want to think about what else might have been going on in the periphery. I'll never know and it may be better that way. I struggle to feel any gratitude to him for the "out", rather I'm irritated at him pretending he was "in" and being all lovey-dovey in the first place now that he's told me he wasn't really feeling it. I do feel a tiny bit tricked. But oh well. You live and learn. Nobody died. And at least this shows my BS radar works. A bit.

 

yeah, at least you knew something was off, so that is good that like you said, your BS radar works. onward and upward....

[Mellie]

My relationships have gone:

 

1 year

9 years

3 years

2 years

2 years

6 months

8 months

2 months

2 months

 

And I've started to get scared. Maybe I've been burned too many times. Maybe I just can't trust anymore. Or maybe, just maybe, I've learned to read the warning signs, and get out before I waste years rather than months. Getting dumped then wished a merry Christmas... Wow. Maybe I do feel a little bit grateful. Somehow I felt detached enough already at reading that that it did raise a smile.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are indeed getting better at trusting your gut and smoking out the wrong guys. Just don't do the "sex too early" thing and you'll be good.

[mustard1234]

mel -

 

reading your writing is just like seeing the inside of my own head and i love it. thanks for your honesty, candor and the ha-has. your gut was right. and many of the replies are right also.

 

ms darcy, though, coming at folks like the judgment express lol. having spent the last few years in different countries, America is definitely the king of "eeeeew, you live with your parents" whereas in other nations it's not an ideal aspiration but i just don't see it frowned upon or a source of shame as much.

 

second, there's no such thing as really as sex too soon. i say this as a Baptist with aspirations toward celibacy that keep getting thwarted by how enthusiastically I love blowjobs. i think, though, mellie, it's about prioritizing how much emotional tangling or untangling you're willing to do at a given time. keeping the cards straight is difficult. sex makes it even more difficult. you're very strong on following your instincts on what feels like a good use of time or not. maybe factor in that sex creates that extra layer of things to sort through and get intentional about deciding if a new guy is worth the eyeball measuring of your emotions that you have to do with sex before exclusivity

 

a male friend of mine said something one day that stopped me in my tracks, "guys fall in love with you in the time between realizing they want to have sex with you and when you let them." and it's guided a lot of the choices i've made ever since. in my super limited experience in applying this it seems kinda true.

 

have you checked out Evan Marc Katz' blog? He seems like someone you might resonate with. Women in their 30's sick of making mistakes but wanting to still be open/optimistic but....really tho, no time for bull. I have been following his work since I was about 22 and just finally (at 28 ) developed the internal skills to be like "ah, THAT'S what he means". Might be really worth checking out his blog and site.

 

overall, dating is cray and yes, you are doing it right.

 

keep talkin' to us here. we're in your corner.

[Mellie]

Thanks Mustard, Miss Darcy. Mustard I have seen Evan Katz's blog. I just... I'm not big on strategic dating. As regards when you should have sex with someone, I don't know. I thought you had sex when things felt right and where they seemed to be going somewhere. I'm not sure about this strategy of holding back for months on and breaking his balls to get him where you want him. Some say you're good from the 3rd date, some say 12. I think we were at date 5 or 6 - I wouldn't exactly class myself as a loose woman for that. But yeah. It's amazing how he's giving all the indicators that he's feeling "that intangible something"; calling all the time, taking me out, being affectionate - at home and in public, until we've slept together a few times and I ask him where it's all going. So yeah. I'll probably wait a little longer next time. At least until he's asked for my last name

[mustard1234]

Yeah, there's no magic number. I think that people misinterpret Evan's work a lot on that point.

 

It's got jack to do with the man and everything to do with how you feel. If you're willing to put in the extra effort to not over invest/attach/get too hopeful after sleeping with a man (many women can do this. many women cannot. its a really individual thing) then yeah go for it the moment it feels right. But the tough part (for me) is knowing that there's still a lot of grey area. Even after naked has happened. From my pov, it's more about your willingness to navigate that emotional perspective/rubicks cube while sleeping with a man...

 

I think it's less strategy per se, and more understanding a few common mating traits that are true whether we like them or not lol and navigating them according to our personality + experience + expectations.

[Batya33]

For me it was far more simple. I did not want casual sex or a guy who would insist on sex without a commitment. I only got involved with men who were on the same wavelength as me. From my outsider's perspective (i.e. since I didn't have casual sex) I saw time and again that there was a much higher risk of sabotaging a potential relationship by having sex too soon (for several reasons). On the other hand I know happily married couples who had sex the first time they met (I just think it is far more unusual). So yes if you are looking for something potentially long term it's probably best to wait (but not just to test a man)

I do think it makes little sense to expect more from a man just because there was sex involved - a first or second date is just a first or second date. I think the only expectations should be that if there was an STD issue the affected person should contact the other person.

[Misssy2]

I don't think this is about breaking YOUR heart. I think this is about you making a wrong choice for YOU for a boyfriend.

I think it is unacceptable that he can't find time in a week to see a new g/f...he may be feeling your discontent in the relationship.

Your clock ticking should not drive who you are in a relationship with or keep you in a relationship that is not right for you.

He is going to have trouble finding any girl that is comfortable with not seeing him all weekend in the beginning...but this early in the relationship you are UNHAPPY.

So like you said..don't waste 5 more minutes and move on.

Next time you chose a man....talk about schedules first...I don't think it is the child as much as it is the schedule.