Friends after he suspects me for cheating

[mindu]

Hey there.

 

I dated a guy for about 9 months. Exclusively, but he said he weren´t ready for a relationship because he knew himself to be a jelous guy and ofcours didn´t ike this about himself, and that if we were to become 'official', he would "treat me like his wife". I think with that maybe he meant, that he would take the relationship very serious, and I know I didn´t open up far enough for such a serious serious close relationship - not even close to! - because I was insecure of him not wanting to be in a relationship. Kinda vicious circle here: he wanted me to open way more up and really REALLY get to know me without the title, I wanted the title and THEN open myself up. Stupid, but hey we´re just different in this and I´ve been hurt badly before.

 

All this insecurity played a major role in our "relationship" and like he said, it felt like we always took one step further and then two back.

 

Anyways, after 9 months some strange timing let to a coincidence, where he thought I kissed another guy and lied about where I was to do so. Not good.

I didn´t cheat, and from what I remember and how I know myself, I don´t recall lying about my whereabouts. ... But I was very drunk, and he insists that I did. I ofcours insist I don´t

 

After this we stopped dating, but I couldn´t let go and couldn´t deal with such an accusation after having struggled so hard to stay with him despite him making me feel so insecure about not wanting a relationship. I met someof his friends, and when with them he treated me like a girlfriend, I feel. But to people who didn´t know me and to people he wasn´t that close to, he would always tell them, he was with a friend, if he spoke to them on the phone when with me. That was very very hard for me, but I kept seing him, as he said, we were working towards being in a relationship and he just needed time.

 

So we kept in touch, spoke on the phone, hung out, went to the movies, talked, for about a year and a half. During this time we hooked up twice, which I thought meant we were getting back togther, but it didn´t to him. Here he totally screwed up all the trust we had initially built. I guess he felt the right to after I had broken the trust too with the above mentioned incident. ....... This led me to cut contact completely for about 3 months. But who was I kidding? I still thought about him and everything that happened all the time. So I contacted him again for a 'make amends' talk. I wasn´t getting my hopes up, but he accepted and even suggested we became friends - real friends, because "oviously we weren´t good together as a couple"......."right now anyways". I told him not to say stuff like that.

 

So now we´ve been friends, and JUST friends for about 5 months. At one point I found out he didn´t want to be alone with me in his or my appartment out of fear, that something will happen. I told him, I know he´s not interested in me like that, and I only want to hook up with one that is, I don´t just want to hook up. This took a lot of pressure off our friendship I feel, and we are kindof getting to know each other again but I for one am able to be much more relaxed, as I´m not trying to impress him. STILL I miss the closeness with him. And I miss seing him naked

I don´t get a vibe of anything there from him, but why did he want to be friends initially? I have and am mending the hurt between us through this friendship, but I am worried, I will get hurt again, if/when he gets a girlfriend. He haven´t met anyone, like he said, he focusses too much on peoples flaws.

 

If any guys have some perspective, please feel free!! Ladies too ofcours, but I am very interested in the male perspective on this. What does he want?

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you're selling yourself short by choosing to be "friends" while your real intention is to win him back. As to your question, it doesn't appear that he wants anything, yet by the same token he knows this is not a true friendship and will eventually have an expiration date.

 

I'm afraid that what you see, is what you get and you're better off walking away now, rather than put yourself through further heartbreak.

[ThatwasThen]

Why would you accept a demoted "position" of lovers and friends to "just friends?" You are wasting your good dating years keeping yourself attached to this schmuck who wanted to have sex with you but never wanted to committed and when talking to other women would tell them he was "with a friend" and not mention your name or your gender. Surely that raised some red flags other then he didn't want to commit? When someone is keeping you a secret then there are complications that you don't need to get yourself involved with and it's best to stop seeing that person so you can heal from the disappointment and can get to the stage of indifference to them.

 

No new man in your life is going to take kindly to you being friends and hanging out one on one with a so called "friend" that you once went to bed with and now try to pretend to yourself that you aren't romantically attached to him still.

 

Get away from him and quit playing this game with yourself. You're far better off without playing this "game" with him.

[mindu]

Note to ThatwasThen: he never talked to other girls, not around me anyways. It was just his guy friends, and with the ones of his friends I did meet, he didn´t treat me like a friend in front of them, but a girlfriend.

 

But you are very right in pointing out, that no other man will be cool with me being friends with him. I haven´t really thought about that, as I have taken myself out of the dating scene, because obviously I can´t make a good decision in love - ever.

[mindu]

I think you're selling yourself short by choosing to be "friends" while your real intention is to win him back. As to your question, it doesn't appear that he wants anything, yet by the same token he knows this is not a true friendship and will eventually have an expiration date.

 

I'm afraid that what you see, is what you get and you're better off walking away now, rather than put yourself through further heartbreak.

 

I didn´t say yes to the friendship to try and get him back. I did it to mend myself, to see if he cared for me as a person, without the sex. And now I know, that he does. Not to the extent of a relationship though, I am very well aware of that But there was no hidden intention or agenda. And mind you, HE was the one who asked ME to be friends. That was just a test or what? To see, what I would answer?

 

I am capable of being just friends, but you´re right in the sense, that it´s not good to settle. I also "used" this friendship to try and grow, as I have a very hard time expressing myself when it comes to guys. I get very intimidated, and with the guys I have caught feelings towards, I always feel like I can never be myself around them. - Which makes no sense, because how would a relationship ever develop then, with me being fake all the time?!....

[mindu]

--------- But then again, if I meet a new guy, I wont have any feelings for this one. I´m not a serial dater, and I don´t date unless I´m into the person. Meet up once of twice to find out, if the interest is there ofcours, but I wont continue dating unless I want more.... And if I want more with another man, I will be over this one.