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Ex used me and now refuses point blank to meet to draw line under things

hm777

By hm777
in Breaking Up Advice

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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much as I would love this to be this case, I obviously wrote it wrongly! I meant that last week when he has said we needed to distance ourselves from one another, I had said the next day that we had 'other things on our agendas' and he called me a , because assumed that meant another guy for me.

 

SO yeah, basically, since about last monday (over a week ago), he has't been the one to initiate contact as I think he's sleepijg with someone else. So going NC seems a bit,,,,, wasted. He wont care anyway!

 

he doesnt need to care... that is the point.

 

right now he is winning by your constantly trying to contact him. The minute you stop is the minute you starting winning.

 

Who cares if he is sleeping with someone else... this is about you and your healing process, not his.

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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You don't want "control of the situation". You want control over HIM. You don't get to have that.

 

You do get to have control over your own actions and emotions.

Choose to use NC>

 

I honestly appreciate you taking the time to respond to my thread, but I get the feeling you're not really on my side in this.

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

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What is difficult about NC is that it is an act you do on your own, with permission from no one. You take responsibility for being judged for your actions. You take responsibility for doing something that is contrary to someone else's expectations or desires. Those all are costs you accept, because you will pay any price to act acting in your own best interests.

 

Everything you have been doing is, in the end, compromising your best interests in the interests of someone else.

 

No Contact is for you, only you, and to heck with what anyone else thinks.

 

You NEED to let yourself look bad to yourself, you NEED to see that these are choices YOU made, you need to then forgive yoyurself, understand why you made these choices, and get at the underlying cause. That will allow you to understand yourself and embark on a new path.

 

Whatever he wants, thinks, or says is 100% irrelevant to your path. You do not need him for anything and he distracts you from your goal. So, no contact. Of any kind.

 

The irony: Why is acting in your own best interests difficult? Shouldnt that be the easiest thing ever?

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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he doesnt need to care... that is the point.

 

right now he is winning by your constantly trying to contact him. The minute you stop is the minute you starting winning.

 

Who cares if he is sleeping with someone else... this is about you and your healing process, not his.

 

ok thanks. I guess NC it is!

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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ok thanks. I guess NC it is!

 

I know it is a tough pill to swallow hm777 but, it is the necessary thing to do. There is no magic way to make him care that he has hurt you... he just doesnt thats the hard truth unfortunately.

 

We only can control our own lives, not others and the first step is to cut out the people who do things like this to us and that is by no contact. Yes, it sucks and I know being vindictive and nasty towards him seems like the right path but it is not. The right path is to heal yourself and stop letting one person control your emotions and you take that control back.

 

Its not going to be easy, and there will be times you will struggle and possibly even fall off the wagon. But, you need to stay strong on the no contact the best you can! This is for you and your sanity... going no contact is not for him... it is for you, it is for your healing process!

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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ok thanks. I guess NC it is!

 

Can I just ask - how is it so easy for one person to just cut off? We were both musicians, we had music, film, comedy and thought in common, not least love. How can one just rid themselves of that and the other find it so hard to forget and to cut off and let go?

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Can I just ask - how is it so easy for one person to just cut off? We were both musicians, we had music, film, comedy and thought in common, not least love. How can one just rid themselves of that and the other find it so hard to forget and to cut off and let go?

 

because more than likely, he checked out long before you realized the relationship was going to end..

 

you can spend years with someone and than one day it is over and the other person is left in the cold confused as to why... the only thing you can do is to heal and learn from what happened and learn to see the redflags before you invest serious emotion into them.

 

There are many people on ENA that have gone through or are going through a break up that they had no idea was coming.

 

Keep posting your progress and even times you think you may lapse from no contact, we're all here to support one another

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browneyedgirl36 Rising Star

browneyedgirl36

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You haven't lost control over your own actions at all. You have that every single day.

It sounds more like you want control over *his* actions, and over the situation, and how you "look."

Best thing to do is stop trying to control those things. Only worry about you.

The things you can do beside NC: build up your life. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Learn new things, make new friends, find new things to be passionate about. And so on.

 

Exactly. Contacting him further just to gain some sense of "power" back is going to lead to no good. Trust me -- it happened to me. I was in a similar situation in the sense that the guy kept reeling me back in and contacting me even though he didn't want to be with me, and HE ended up being the one cutting things off because I wasn't strong enough to at the time. It killed me -- I felt like I needed to take back the control, to gain my power back, and you know what? I ONLY did that when I stopped trying to control things -- when I just gave up and stopped trying to engage him. The BEST thing you can do to get power in this situation is to cut him off cold. Never contact or acknowledge him again. Silence can send a powerful message. And, even if it doesn't -- let's just say that the silence doesn't bother him -- you'll never know because you're not talking to him anymore AND you won't have to deal with him anymore.

 

It seems counter-intuitive, I know. You feel like he's "gotten away with" something. You feel like he owes you something. You feel like he's in the wrong, and he needs to know that. The thing is, you're not going to teach him anything. He's oblivious. No matter what you do or say, he is most likely going to think his actions are OK. So now, it's time to shift your focus from him and onto you -- onto answering the question, "Why did I put up with this for so long? Why don't I think I deserve better?" When you work toward answering these questions, you will start to feel like you don't need anything else from him. It's all about YOU now -- put him in the past and focus on yourself.

 

P.S. Another thought: He's 20. Maybe it's because I teach college students around that age, but the vast majority of them -- males and females -- that I encounter are VERY young, in both a chronological sense AND and an emotional sense. This is not to say that there aren't some exceptionally mature people at that age, but... He's still got a ton of growing up to do. I think in this case, the age gap is just so much more pronounced that it would be if you were, say 40 and he were 30. Just a thought.

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pippy longstocking Grand Master

pippy longstocking

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It isn't normal behavior ---- however, bipolar folk are not know for consistency.

 

I am glad you reminded me to mention this ( like I usually do !! ha)

 

op I would hate you to fall into the *but he has got bi polar* pity party .. I know you must understand bi polar to some degree because you mentioned his hypersexuality earlier on and indeed it is true ...I suffer with bi polar and I could bang a race horse on a high ... so that should be all the more reason why you would not want to allow him to use your body because his needs are so hyped up ..

 

If he has bi polar 1 and is sleeping around he will probably sleep with anything with a pulse and that puts you at risk from STD'S ... I am bi polar 11 and can manage to refrain myself , and have been celibate for over 3 years ... nothing is an excuse ...not even mental health ..because as a sufferer , we ourselves have to manage it and learn about it and do our damnest not to hurt anyone else as we slip from one mood swing to another .

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

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Two points:

 

(1) His age may or may not be a factor. I know more than one man in his 40s/50s who accept this behavior for themselves, and men who never did.

 

(2) His revenge will be of his own making. You do not to concern yourself with it.

 

We attract who we are, so consider what it is within you that allowed you to sync up so well with him, the good and the bad. You can set your path right by facing the hardest most painful truths. It feels scary on the front end and empowering afterwards. And it ensures that you have learned from this a lesson that some never learn. The self-inspection is not easy, and sometimes leads to seemingly illogical conclusions. Keep peeling off layers until you find the logic - emotional logic - that makes it work, and get a therapist if it helps for you. Read up on Google for starters, and go back to it when you get stuck.

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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After all that yesterday,we finally met for closure believe it or not, just to talk things through. It was ok, though when you leave you realise there are all manner of stones left unturned and things that already today I'm ruminating over which is frustrating. Feel awfully low today because he said he didn't think he'd loved me for the past three months, but in a sense, perhaps I feel that at least there is no longer a sense of potential for going back. If someone doesn't love me, it doesn't make me feel like I want to be near them. Still feel extremely scared going forward, and very lonely - in London, I have friends here but I've moved into a house with strangers, and it's extremely lonely when you're on your own. Trying to keep active and keep meeting up with people but sometimes I find it hard as I had a very strong connection with my ex and so sometimes with other people I feel like they don't live up to him, and I would rather be talking with him, you know the feeling?

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missbritz Apprentice

missbritz

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First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going and believe me, I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

So do you feel any better after your 'closure' conversation? no, right?

We truly only give ourselves closure. And we alone allow people to treat us the way we continue to accept it.

I know how hard it is to let go of an ex who once adored the ground you walked on. It hurts! And then when they continue to use you, you allow it because you imagine that they must still care if they want to hang out with you right? wrong. I allowed my ex to use me for a whole YEAR after I moved out. what in the actual F*** was I thinking. I convinced myself that because he still wanted to spend time with me that he must care about me still. no no no. yeah Im sure he cares on some level but the bottom line is they are happy to seek comfort/sex/ego stoking in your loving open arms because its comfortable and familiar. It is awful that they continue to do that knowing how emotionally invested we are. The fact that they cannot do the decent thing leaves you having to do it for yourself.

I am on day 16 of COMPLETE NC after I called him an emotional retard and told him to get some help. yes it felt gratifying a little bit but I sure as heck know that my comment didn't make him sit down and think 'yeah maybe I SHOULD seek help for my emotional unavailability/commitment phobic/mommy issues/peter pan syndrome'

In fact he probably thinks I'M the crazy one.

But hm777, you know what I don't care. Im finally done. Extricate yourself from the madness. Its the only way my dear, I PROMISE it gets better.

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