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Ex used me and now refuses point blank to meet to draw line under things

hm777

By hm777
in Breaking Up Advice

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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No one is saying he isnt accountable for what hes doing but, you can make a stone bleed. The only thing you can do is stop allowing him to hurt you further by saying NO and going ninja silent like mhowe said.

 

He cannot hurt you if you don't let him! No one owes anyone anything unfortunately... as much as you want to know why he is doing what he is doing to you, he isnt going to tell you or explain anything to you because he doesnt care how it is hurting you... all he cares about is that he is getting sex... thats it..

 

Well men (or at least this person) are ers then aren't they! DOn't pretend to be in love when you're after sex.

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Yes but the point was I tried to be adult and do the right thing by conversing appropriately with him last week - he for some reason dragged his heels, and said 'let's just hang out instead'. I agreed, thinking that if I did that, at least I could speak to him because he would be here He then called me and said he couldn't come over. He obviously didn't want me to draw the line and say no, so he decided to aggressively prevent it. I wanted peace from this, and to be civil, but he seems obsessed with control. I don't even want to have any physical contact with him anymore, I have lost interest in that completely. I just wanted to let it be and say some things that I hadn't said. DOn't see why that is so hard.

 

You are trying to get blood from a stone.

 

He looses the control once you STOP saying yes to hanging out and STOP asking to talk to him.

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Well men (or at least this person) are ers then aren't they! DOn't pretend to be in love when you're after sex.

 

unfortunately, at the age of 20... this is what alot of boys do. They use women to get sex, they dont care if that women developes feelings or if it hurts them to used... all a 20 year old cares about is getting their d*ck wet.. sorry for being so vaulger but its true.

 

and his isnt a man... men dont use women and treat them with no respect... he is a little boy... it is the risk you took when you dated someone 10 years younger then you who hasnt even begun to grow up yet.

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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You are trying to get blood from a stone.

 

He looses the control once you STOP saying yes to hanging out and STOP asking to talk to him.

 

Anything I can do in the meantime to look like less of a loser?! I appreciate the NC thing and I know its the way to go, but I've broken that down now really because I was so sheerly frustrated by his inability to say NO - let's stop the sex. So he's kinda taken control and I've lost it. Is it just NC or anything else I can do?

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Anything I can do in the meantime to look like less of a loser?! I appreciate the NC thing and I know its the way to go, but I've broken that down now really because I was so sheerly frustrated by his inability to say NO - let's stop the sex. So he's kinda taken control and I've lost it. Is it just NC or anything else I can do?

 

No contract stops everything. It stops im from being able to contact you and it stops you from contact him.

 

If he texts, calls, messages you on social media... ignore. Do NOT reply.

 

You see him out in public somewhere -- ignore and walk away. He cannot hurt you and continue to have control if you do not allow him too. Easiest way to take back control is to go No contact.. sure it will make him mad you arent answering and then he is loosing his grib on you but, everytime you do no reply to a msg or a phone call you will feel yourself get stronger.

 

No contact is your best step. Delete his number, delete him of social media. Block his number if you need too so he CANT contact you.

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

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Anything, anything you do that engages with him is a reflection of your desire for his approval. You need to break your addiction/dependence on him for that. No. Contact.

 

Use that time to figure out how he became so essential to you. How did it become necessary for HIM to say No when your no is enough. Why should he say no when he would continue according to his terms? You gave him control over your emotional health. That is irresponsible.

 

No contact.

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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Yeah I agree- the issue is that he TOOK control when I tried to, and thus doesn't contact me, it's all been me contacting him. DO I still go no contact or do I let him know I don't want anything to do with him and want him to stay away? He has had the pleasure of that this whole time, me constantly in contact...

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bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

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So he's kinda taken control and I've lost it. Is it just NC or anything else I can do?

 

You haven't lost control over your own actions at all. You have that every single day.

It sounds more like you want control over *his* actions, and over the situation, and how you "look."

Best thing to do is stop trying to control those things. Only worry about you.

The things you can do beside NC: build up your life. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Learn new things, make new friends, find new things to be passionate about. And so on.

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Yeah I agree- the issue is that he TOOK control when I tried to, and thus doesn't contact me, it's all been me contacting him. DO I still go no contact or do I let him know I don't want anything to do with him and want him to stay away? He has had the pleasure of that this whole time, me constantly in contact...

 

You dont say anything. STOP messaging him... he doesnt need to know you are done with him, he'll get the picture when you haven't messaged him or contacted him... he doesnt need to be topld anything.

 

He didnt take control hm777, you unfortunately gave it to him -- with open arms I may add. You can take back your control on what you do by doing nothing! No contact, no reply, no explanation why you are not going to contact him anymore... go ninja silent. He'll get the picture on his own...

 

You can only control what YOU do, not what he does. You will feel yourself taking back control of your emotions the second you stop contact him and reaching out to him and stop letting him have this control over your feelings!

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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He isn't TAKING control. HE is ignoring you and living his life. YOU keep reaching out to him, thereby HANDING him control over your emotions.

 

You simply stop reaching out to him. And if/when he reaches out, you don't reply.

 

so a vindictive message wouldn't help?!

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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so a vindictive message wouldn't help?!

 

no it wont. it will just make him know that he still has control over your emotions. He knows that he has this control over you by your constant messaging...

 

once you just STOP.. like I mean full on haulted stop, with no explanation or anything... he'll get the picture that you are taking control back of your own life and your own emotions and you are not going to let him have control over you any more!!

 

You don't owe him reasoning for going radio silent... you do it because you need to do it for your own sanity!

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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Not in the least. He would probably laugh at it.

 

YOU want to elicit a response. Except it won't.

 

Right so I getting - he's been a wanker , I've been weak, here we are now. I want to be vindictive, you say I shouldn't. I suppose I want some sort of control over the situation. So my only option is NC?

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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Right so I getting - he's been a wanker , I've been weak, here we are now. I want to be vindictive, you say I shouldn't. I suppose I want some sort of control over the situation. So my only option is NC?

 

Also, this is the man who called me a last week for wanting to 'sort out our agendas' because he thought I was with someone else - I bloke who turned up at my house unannounced? I just go NC?

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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Also, this is the man who called me a last week for wanting to 'sort out our agendas' because he thought I was with someone else - I bloke who turned up at my house unannounced? I just go NC?

 

Yup, go no contact.

 

Being vindictive wont do anything. If he shows up at your house, you do no answer the door. If he does not leave, you call the police.

 

Wanting revenge and being vindictive is a natural reaction but, it makes you the bigger person to ignore. He contacts you saying " lets sort out our agenda ".. you simply do not reply. If he contacts again saying the same thing or why arent you answering... you just simply do not reply. The more and more you do not reply you will feel this massive release of happiness... believe me, it will feel like a weight being lifted off you because you know you not reply is driving him crazy because he is realizing he is loosing his control over you.

 

This, in my personal opinion, is the best way to be vinidicitve and get the revenge you seek. You get to see the tables turned with him try to beg for your response instead of letting him win by you begging and him not responding.

 

No contact works... its the first step to you realizing you deserve better.

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hm777 Newbie

hm777

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much as I would love this to be this case, I obviously wrote it wrongly! I meant that last week when he has said we needed to distance ourselves from one another, I had said the next day that we had 'other things on our agendas' and he called me a , because assumed that meant another guy for me.

 

SO yeah, basically, since about last monday (over a week ago), he has't been the one to initiate contact as I think he's sleepijg with someone else. So going NC seems a bit,,,,, wasted. He wont care anyway!

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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Right so I getting - he's been a wanker , I've been weak, here we are now. I want to be vindictive, you say I shouldn't. I suppose I want some sort of control over the situation. So my only option is NC?

 

 

You don't want "control of the situation". You want control over HIM. You don't get to have that.

 

You do get to have control over your own actions and emotions.

Choose to use NC>

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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much as I would love this to be this case, I obviously wrote it wrongly! I meant that last week when he has said we needed to distance ourselves from one another, I had said the next day that we had 'other things on our agendas' and he called me a , because assumed that meant another guy for me.

 

SO yeah, basically, since about last monday (over a week ago), he has't been the one to initiate contact as I think he's sleepijg with someone else. So going NC seems a bit,,,,, wasted. He wont care anyway!

 

Once more for the hard of hearing.

 

NC isn't about HIM. It is about YOU stopping this destructive behavior and reaching out to HIM>

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