My ex broke up with me, has a new partner, but wants to catch up :S

[MStowe]

Hi all,

 

My ex broke up with me, and despite ending it we hung out together and were still very close. He started seeing someone else but kept it secret, and when I found out, he denied it.

 

Since then the truth has come out, and I've seen them together, plus I've heard from friends they are very much in a relationship.

 

I sat down with him, and asked for no contact, because I needed to come to terms with the realisation we are over and i'm not over it.

 

He wanted to catch up a few times, and we made time once or twice (despite me trying to be tough) only for him to cancel or delay (I knew full well where he was).

 

He recently contacted me again by text after going no contact for some time. He said he wants to see me, but is waiting for me. And that he misses me and wants to catch up.

 

I would be grateful for any advice offered and thanks in advance.

[catfeeder]

Skip that. Tell him you're not interested in playing friendszies. If he's ever free and clear of other relationships and wants to consider reconciling, he can reach out. If you're still available you can meet to catch up. Short of that, tell him you wish him the best, but no thanks.

[milly007]

You need time to get over him, and he has to respect this. As long as you two maintain contact, it's going to hold you back from healing and moving on. Tell him this and if he truly cares about you, he will respect your space.

[kbbcoop77]

Exactly what the others said. Do not meet him. Don't have any contact until you are completely over him. Maybe in a year or so, until then it will just screw you up.

[Clinton]

Keep NC and heal. You don't owe him a meet up. As has been said it will only set you back.

 

Right now you're just his backup plan.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to be blunt here. What's the point of "catching up" when you know that a) he is in another relationship and shouldn't be keeping tabs on exes b) he has no interest in coming back to you or that would already have happened c) he has flaked on you over said plans before, probably because he couldn't get rid of his girlfriend or find a reasonable excuse to ditch her to come see you and d) he kept you on the backburner, lied to you and hid his involvement with another girl--presumably so you'd stay waiting in the wings instead of wisely doing what you did, which is NC.

 

And finally, do you really need a friend who flakes on you, has lied and is trying to keep you around as Option B?

 

Tell him to forget "catching up" and move on like you are. Then delete and block him. All catching up does is cause you to delay or be set back in your healing, give him validation that he has an option should he get mad at his girlfriend or decide he wants to try bedding two women at the same time and it does not get the two of you back together. If that was going to happen and he were really sincere in the whole "I miss you" thing don't you think it would have resulted in him leaving the other woman and asking for another chance? They don't want to reconcile unless they say they do and they don't have other women who are likely clueless about you even being in the picture if their intentions are honorable.

 

At this stage you need to accept it's over and he showed you a side of himself that's really kind of unlovely. Don't you think you deserve better?

[Kaiser_Soze]

Guys do this a lot, sometimes unconsciously. He doesn't want to burn the bridge. He's not completely happy in this relationship but not unhappy enough to pull the plug. He probably misses things about you. If his intentions were strictly friendship based he wouldn't have tried to hide or down play his current relationship. Yeah he's still interested in you, just not enough to walk away from the relationship he's in.

[No1]

Soze is correct. He wants to make himself feel better by remaining friends with you. The catching up is more for him than it is for you. Continue to say no or just dont reply. Even replying could be looked at as a positive thing for him..

[NeonLight]

It's a common tendency of the dumpers to want to stay in touch, but you have to be rational and move on with what's best for everybody in the long run. Breakups are bad but keeping in touch with ex after breakup is worse because you're still wounded. You should definitely go NC now. Just tell him that it's time to be truly apart and you would appreciate if he respects your decision. Then go total NC. Definitely block him on Facebook and erase his number from phone.

 

You know, he may truly miss you sometimes, you may miss him sometimes too; but it won't really lead anyone anywhere. Accept things and move on no matter what. It's a wonderful time to rediscover yourself.