around 3 months and nowhere near healed?

[nol703]

its been almost 3 months feel some progress but sometimes i think i am as bad as day 1.

 

so i noticed i over analyse the relationship all the time and tell myself what did i do wrong and if i was a horrible person.

 

and my question to you is analyzing the relationship holding me back?

if anything that involves her come to mind should i try to stray my mind?

 

one thing that makes me feel better is saying i can do better and i will do better over and over.

and saw a post earlier that was i was thinking it was her already searching for someone and i killed me and i was trying to find out if it was her and i thought to myself i am no where near being healed and over her. but still can 2-3 months be enough time from a 5yr relationship to be over someone.

 

i know people say i should not care what she does in her life and people keep telling me you can move on but you choose not to... but its like i felt we were soul mates but she was just to immature and insecure at the time other then that we were a perfect match i think.

 

what makes things worse and i drive by here apartments everyday to go to my work and i am afraid to see her. even worse see her with someone else. everytime i see a car that she drives my heart stops and i think i hope its not her.

[SooSad33]

Loss is never easy and what's going on with you is normal.

Is 2-3 mos enough time? No, not always, i'm sure you realize that.

 

It took me almost a year (9+ mos) to start feeling any improvement over my loss of my partner- also of 5 yrs.

Time is what it takes. You'll go thru many feelings/emotions over the next few months.

 

Take it all one day at a time. Don't feel you have to rush on into other things. We're often affected in many ways after a break up and we all take the time we need to accept and heal. Some take longer than others.

 

It's okay... give it time.

[Allipie]

its taken me a year to finally process it and come to a conclusion about what happened. I spent a lot of time before that analyzing, which drove me crazy and put me into a deep depression.

5 years is a long time and it will take time (much longer than 3-4 months) to grieve and move on. Take it one day at a time and don't let anyone tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. 'just get over it and move on'...pssssh. such a heartless thing to tell someone.

[nol703]

thanks i guys i have been hitting the gym and been working crazy and gonna do some online college. been trying to learn electric guitar wanted to learn a long time ago but ex-gf was saying it would be a waste of money because i would never use it. all in all is it wrong for me wanting to be ahead of her in life like have a better job better car stuff of that natural and if she gets ahead of me i will feel ashamed.. is it wrong to think that way? been wanting to see psychologist but i wasn't sure if i was gonna pay a lot or what but gonna get around to it now. is it weird to say coming out of the relationship i felt like was someone different in it like i was too soft when i know before i met her and now i am not like that.

[90_hour_sleep]

I think the analyzation does in fact hold you back if it prevents you from finding self forgiveness. And...take it from someone who has chronically suppressed emotion, and distanced himself from discomfort on the relationships level...straying from the feelings doesn't help. At some point...you have to process. You have to really be there while you're feeling what's coming up. Time dulls things to an extent...but if it doesn't come out, it's still in there, waiting to be stirred up by the first thing that comes along.

 

I mean, practically speaking...you may need to exercise a strategy that involves distraction from your thoughts in order to get through necessary tasks in your day-to-day life. And if you're really stuck...it's good to have a way to distance yourself so you can have a break from the stickiness. But it needs to be revisited at some point.

 

Can you take a different route to work? I mean, unless you live on a dead-end street and you have to pass her place to get out...there's a different way. Inconvenient? Maybe. But it sets a precedent that says you're willing to move on. You're not letting the lingering feelings sabotage your healing. It's active participation in moving forward.

 

Not caring. I dunno. I still care. Will I stop caring? Probably not. But, it will become less important as I heal. Endings leave voids. Voids are dark, scary places where we're faced with seeing ourselves. It's opportunity. Shift the focus to yourself...to your healing...to your journey on your path. I think that that very subtly, but also very naturally, gets you less preoccupied with her...and what she's doing with her life. It's her journey, after all.

 

And honestly...I think 2-3 months is enough for a lot of people. 5 years is a long time to be together...and it's also a long time for someone to consider not being together. I'm sorry if that hurts. People stagnate...and often break up after coming to terms with that. The healing process starts while still in the relationship for some people.

 

But...it doesn't matter. Be honest...if you went back now...how would it turn out? Has anything changed? 2-3 months is not enough time to heal anything substantial. It's a good timeframe to get back on your feet...and start feeling okay. But, it's not enough time to fix anything major.

 

You've made strides. Give yourself some credit. Be gentle with yourself. Breakups are rough, rough periods in life. They bring a lot of stuff to the surface. Is there anything you'd like to change? Anything that you've noticed you keep coming back to? Guilt is a good indicator. It usually signifies a place where you feel you could've acted differently. And that's a bit of self-awareness in and of itself. You recognize that something played out a certain way, and realize that there is/was likely a better way to deal with it. So, maybe that's a place to start. If there is something in there...now is the time. It's empowering to discover self-awareness...and work with things that have been keeping you stuck in the same patterns. I don't know your story...but there's probably something in there that could use some work. Worth thinking about in my opinion.

 

I felt a moment of genuine happiness today...free of anxiety...fear...and all that other lovely stuff. I haven't felt that in a long, long time. It does happen eventually if we make space in our lives for it to happen.

 

You'll get there.