Accusing me of contacting one of his girl friends - I am not. Help.

[leseine7]

He holds all the cards and manipulates your sense of fear by managing information.

 

Focus on what has happened to you, and only to you. It will simplify much.

 

No, ask him nothing further.

 

Ok. thank you for this. Agree.

[leseine7]

I made my profile on instagram completely private again and attempted to report this to the site, but sadly, there is (of course) no way to do this if I don't have the actual evidence (the chain, the username, etc). Also, if his friend actually 'deleted' the chain, then it is gone from instagram forever and they can't return it. I'm not sure why he told me his friend 'sent a message to instagram to get the chain back' since I haven't been able to find a way to send instagram a message about my side at all. And, again, what types of people make these kinds of accusations without having the actual screen shots of the convo!!!?? I seriously cannot fathom reaching out to him with this without being like "I know you did it, and here is my proof" . He must think I am a complete idiot.

 

Anyway, I want to thank ENA for this forum because I read through this entire thread all weekend to keep myself sane and calm. I'm hoping this all just goes away (no more contact from the guy and no more accusations/ hacking/ suspicious activity, etc.), but in the meantime thank you for all of the very very helpful advice here. I had no idea how to deal with this before reading your responses.

[PetiteGirl]

If he can't produce evidence, then it's very likely that he's lying. Another possibility is that your ex is doing this to get your attention. Once he's got your attention, he's satisfied and is back to ignoring you again. He and his friends sound like they're still in high school with all this drama, which is really pathetic lol. If you don't feel safe, talk to the police. They'll be able to access the situation better. It doesn't matter what the instangram's policies are, you have every right to go to the police if you feel that you need to.

[leseine7]

If he can't produce evidence, then it's very likely that he's lying. Another possibility is that your ex is doing this to get your attention. Once he's got your attention, he's satisfied and is back to ignoring you again. He and his friends sound like they're still in high school with all this drama, which is really pathetic lol. If you don't feel safe, talk to the police. They'll be able to access the situation better. It doesn't matter what the instangram's policies are, you have every right to go to the police if you feel that you need to.

 

Yeah I really can't believe he came at me so angrily with absolutely no actual proof or evidence. I actually DID have moments where I questioned if it was right to walk away from him -- this erased literally any shred of doubt!!

 

I hate to think he could be so sick as to curse me out and call me names over a lie he created -- just to get a response out of me (especially since I was never ignoring him - it's not like if he had written and been like 'hey, just wanted to say I hope you're well' I would have ignored him; I was sure the break up was the right call and already past any anger that would have been there). Who knows what he was trying to do. In any case, it has been peaceful and quiet for the last few days for which I am very grateful.

[Man with Dog]

I had a similar incident happen. I never knew how broad his reach had been until he died. The absence of drama was beautiful and the presence of sanity in my friendships was validating. It took an enormous amout of my attention off of my work and generally impacted every aspect of my life.

 

Among the things he did was adopt a personality on here, for about a year, and engaged me in conversation about himself and about people I was dating. ENA was wonderful about shutting him down once we figured it out.

 

That was an awful time. I wish you well as you muscle through it.

 

I had problems with people knowing my true identity on a messageboard but thankfully nobody knows who I am and I keep it that way.

[leseine7]

I had problems with people knowing my true identity on a messageboard but thankfully nobody knows who I am and I keep it that way.

 

Seriously, stories like this are making me so paranoid. I've never thought of all the ways people can mess with each other and it has never hit this close to home before. I've gone around on every single site I've been a part of to change my passwords/ settings and try to make sure nothing from here is public but I am crazy paranoid about what info might already have been gathered if this guy has a stalker. Or if HE is the stalker.

 

You guys... The internet. So much crazy.

[Supernova1607309611]

OK, you need to calm down, and here is why.

 

so you know your ex has 'issues'... and he was babbling about all these women 'after' him. So you get an email from a person warning you you're not the only one.

 

It is EXTREMELY common when someone else knows someone is cheating on their partner for them to try to find a way to tip off the innocent partner to the fact that cheating is going on because they don't think it is right and want to tell you because if they were being cheated on themselves they'd want to know. So if it is someone close to you or him who knows a crapstorm of accusations might result from openly telling you that, they will try to find an anonymous way of doing it. So that person was doing anything threatening, they were probably trying to find a way to warn you what a cheater this guy was. It is extremely easy to create a fake email account (takes about a minute), so many people will use that method to tip you off about what is going on without having to expose themselves in the process.

 

And now you've broken up and your ex is furious in a 'how dare you' kind of mode. So he unleashes his rage on everyone around him. You KNOW he's a mess and a cheater, so why bother about him? So he went from 'all these girls want me' to 'everybody is stalking me'. Now it's HIM who is paranoid because he knows he's a cheater and he's wondering which of these girls he's cheating with is onto him and might tell other people about his lying and cheating. So then he works up this story to get your attention and try to himself as an innocent victim. But when you ask for evidence, OF COURSE he has nothing to show for it.

 

So all this trouble whirls around HIM and not some mysterious third person. And there's a really good chance that someone tried to warn you and he knows your paranoia about that, and he then leaped onto that same bandwagon because he knows what winds you up and uses it. He can produce no evidence of this supposed third person pretending to be you or the supposed messages and you haven't heard from him since you asked. So there probably is none. He was just getting his last crazy licks in before he wanders off to bother some new woman.

 

The professional advice for dealing with people like your ex is to just go no contact with him as quickly as possible and stay away from him and don't play his game or inflame him. You want him totally out of your life and not enmeshed in his craziness. So to resolve this, just cut him off and get on with your life and don't react to anything he says because you know he lies and it's all drama with him. Staying engaged with him in these games over some mysterious stranger will only continue the drama.

 

I'd only take it seriously if some other person you know who has nothing to do with him gets something that supposedly impersonates you. Then you could work with that person to gather the online info you need to investigate the case. But everything you hear from the ex you should just write off because you can't believe him.

[leseine7]

Thanks Supernova. I'm pretty calmed down, ha, but at the time it was a new situation and I was very much not calm since I'm not used to being accused of the kinds of things he was saying, etc. Have had much time to think since then though!

 

Here is the story: He reached out to me to explain/ deeply apologize (I will leave this up to all of you to decipher but I am sure I know the general response):

 

He says that all of his friends received mysterious messages like the ones I got from the email account under my sister's name - whom he now says is his one crazy ex, whom he dated for four years and broke up with last year. When it became clear to him that I was NOT in fact messaging his friends and had no idea that was even going on, he says that he started digging and that he reached out to everyone he had as a contact and they had all received a strange email/message saying something like "You can't trust him/ what do you know about him' etc, without naming him directly. He says they showed him the messages once he asked for them now, but had ignored them at the time since they weren't dating him and therefore didn't assume the 'HIM' was him...

 

He went on to say that he found out that basically his ex found a way to put some techie thing on his computer (I think he called it a 'Key Logger'? Anyone?) that allowed her to constantly hack into all of his stuff - his emails, facebook, etc. I guess every time he synced his phone to his computer, she saw his text convos with me and my sister, etc. Apparently what she was saying to his friend as 'me' were things that would have been completely below the belt from our break up. (I had texted most of our break up, because at the time I really did not want to see him and have him talk me out of it). So he was as angry as he was when he came at me because the things she said were directly in line with things I said to him in anger when we broke up. He said he is buying a new computer and a new phone/ phone number in order to stop this, is getting a RO against her, and has all of his friends as witnesses with their screen shots of this activity.

 

He deeply and profusely apologized to me for the way he spoke to me and promised I will never be bothered by this again. Definitely seemed like he wanted another chance and he kept saying that if it weren't for this one girl, we would never have broken up because I wouldn't have been so suspicious.

 

But yes, I definitely see the writing on the wall and while I am genuinely concerned for his reputation if there is a girl this insane that she's hacking into all of his things and messaging every one of the contacts he has -- I can also see how badly he has treated me and make my way out of this in peace.

 

Thought you would all like an update (maybe). If he is not lying (and I'm really not sure), then this is the most insane movie plot of a life he has.

[conlan]

Sounds like he is the psycho! Stay away from this guy forever. Maybe he is doing it because he likes drama. People like that are the worse

[Applewhite]

Everyone repeatedly told you his actions don't seem healthy, and you agreed. And now this- and you are "concerned about his reputation" etc. You are not acting rationally. Why?

 

Why are you still engaging with him? I bet you are going to go back to him eventually, because he came up with a better story. Good luck, you will need it.

[leseine7]

Everyone repeatedly told you his actions don't seem healthy, and you agreed. And now this- and you are "concerned about his reputation" etc. You are not acting rationally. Why?

 

Why are you still engaging with him? I bet you are going to go back to him eventually, because he came up with a better story. Good luck, you will need it.

 

Ok applewhite no offense but get off my back.

 

I said clearly that I see the writing on the wall and can "move on from this in peace." Just because I am not spewing hatred about him and saying that the situation concerns me on all sides doesn't make me weak and going back to him- it's actually a rational thing to consider all sides of a situation like this.

 

I'm not going back to him. I had not heard any updates or been in touch with him in weeks before he informed me of this- it was as simple as him reaching out and telling me the story. I had said earlier in this chain that I wasn't going to block his number yet so that if he DID give me more info I had it. Remember we are talking about a situation where someone was telling me I'm being impersonated in a way that could also harm MY reputation. Obviously I'm not going back to this guy or maintaining contact. The whole point was wanting to know what the heck was going on.

 

I have completely agreed with absolutely all of you that he is not good for me and I don't want to be with him- I also was the one to break up with him prior to this. Impersonation is a misdemeanor and if there WAS any truth to his story (and while you're all I'm sure right he's lying I am the one dealing with this and want to make sure I cover all my bases) then I have every right to get all the facts. I'm not "engaging him". I don't like drama (some of you have said that and I'm not sure how the info He reached out to me with- which I was expecting him to do- means I like drama. Could also mean I just want all the facts). This was the first update in weeks.

 

Thanks for the concern but seriously my focus is only on making sure I'm protected in a big city with a lot of crazies navigating a situation completely new to me. Saying I'm concerned about his reputation is not an indicator that I am going back to him - just that if any of this is true (and that is still a possibility even though I'm wary) then his ex has done a ton of damage.

 

Anyway if anyone out there can explain what a key logger is or is familiar with this kinda thing I would love your thoughts on the subject.

[leseine7]

Just to state this and be done: this thread was never about getting back together about my ex. I should maybe have posted it in a different section. It was about a situation where I was falsely accused about something that made me feel very unsafe - whether or not I should, that's how I feel about it. I have the same suspicions as everyone else about him but I still wanted to cover all my bases and get all the "facts". I really hope if I post anymore about someone reaching out to me- him or his ex or anyone in any form- that the first response won't be to tell me I'm inviting drama and going back to him. That's not an option for me, but I do want to feel like this situation resolves correctly if it can for me. Thanks again.

[leseine7]

Sounds like he is the psycho! Stay away from this guy forever. Maybe he is doing it because he likes drama. People like that are the worse

 

Thanks Conlan, believe me that possibility was the first one I considered, and the one I'm still considering now. People like this kind of stress?! For Serious!??! I intend to stay away from him forever, yes.

 

Now it's more about getting over the events that unfolded here in time. Lots of yoga this week . Haha.

[catfeeder]

Just as the guy tried to make you jealous with with the snapshots from his trip, he likely also sent you those emails to make you jealous, too.

 

So the rest of this isn't even believable.

 

The guy trumps up drama to make you insecure. That backfires and you walk. So what would he have to lose by pulling off the rest of this drama to keep your attention?

 

Even if some ex did send a stupid round of emails, nobody pays attention to that stuff. We've all had a FB or other account hacked with all of our friends receiving emails from us with a penis enlargement link... we change passwords and move on with life.

 

You can do the same--it's a wise decision.

[leseine7]

Just as the guy tried to make you jealous with with the snapshots from his trip, he likely also sent you those emails to make you jealous, too.

 

So the rest of this isn't even believable.

 

The guy trumps up drama to make you insecure. That backfires and you walk. So what would he have to lose by pulling off the rest of this drama to keep your attention?

 

Even if some ex did send a stupid round of emails, nobody pays attention to that stuff. We've all had a FB or other account hacked with all of our friends receiving emails from us with a penis enlargement link... we change passwords and move on with life.

 

You can do the same--it's a wise decision.

 

I guess what is important to note here is that I have never known people in my life who would lie like this... To say that it is a traumatizing experience for me is an understatement. I met with a therapist today who specializes in abuse, hashed all this out with her, and she agreed - he most likely used this as a way to get me roped back in, even negatively.

 

I agree with what everyone has posted here. I've changed all passwords and am getting a new phone/ number soon (I was going to anyway and it just works out, timing wise), and now I'm really just focusing as hard as I can on trying to move on from this craziness. Luckily it's been a quiet week so I'm mostly just talking to loved ones about all this and hoping it's all over...

 

Really, if it weren't for this thread, as I said before, I may have fallen for his crap again - not to get back together, but even just allowing him to talk to me ever again would have been harmful now. So, thanks to you all.

[catfeeder]

I guess what is important to note here is that I have never known people in my life who would lie like this... To say that it is a traumatizing experience for me is an understatement.

 

First, it makes no sense to pull a 'should have known' on yourself and allow that to shake your confidence given that most of us need to learn from experiences rather than 'stories' of others--so I'd consider how wisely you'll want to use this one.

 

You can either use this to contribute to your maturity and knowledge of the variations of people in the world--and build strength, or you can use it to damage yourself and your ability to form relationships going forward. That IS a decision.

 

It's a mistake to assume that reasonable people walk into relationships with their trust-o-meter wide open, since most of us have suffered our share of slings and arrows to learn that trust needs to EARNED rather than freely given. This doesn't mean we need to slam shut our ability to trust--it just means that you're in excellent company because you've joined the rest of us in one failure to Pay Attention to red flags.

 

One fail is not a tragedy, it's a normal learning device. Use it well, and you'll regain your confidence. Use it badly, and you'll dig yourself into a hole.

 

Head high--you're certainly smart enough to make the right choice.

[leseine7]

Definitely. I'm not going so far as making this how I view relationships going forward - it's just fresh, I'm dealing with it, I'm still very upset by the events that unfolded. I didn't really mean I should have known all this would happen, ha. I just mean this is something I've never 'known' in my life before so I'm dealing with it the best I can - therapy, time, friends, space.

 

I have absolutely no intention of making myself damaged from this Cheers!

[catfeeder]

I have absolutely no intention of making myself damaged from this . Cheers!

 

Great choice. Then you might consider using less sensational language in your own head to describe the experience. Words like 'traumatized' set you up to view yourself as this clown's 'victim,' which is not a great platform from which to grow confident.

 

You're on the right path, but when you have your minor setbacks, it's always helpful to practice taming your private critical voice. That voice is the habitual default tape we all run in our own minds, and the biggest and most life changing discovery I've made is that I have the ability to change that habit. Instead of speaking to myself as though I've got some arbitrary judge and jury in my head, I've been learning how to shift that to sound supportive and encouraging. Paying attention to your language will advance you in leaps and bounds--you'll 'feel' the results nearly immediately.

 

Cheers back to you, and I hope you'll feel better soon.

[ParisPaulette]

You're doing quite good leseine7. Your concerns were and still are valid ones. It's always a bit nerve-wracking when someone has such an experience and for those who've never had that it's easy to misinterpret or say, "What's the big deal?" But it sounds like this forum has helped you process things and that's always good. The fact is there are people who just have a marble or two missing, some in a good way, some in a bad.

 

Deal accordingly and move forward with your life, it's all you can do. Just wanted to give you those words of encouragement for your day.