boniver88 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Hey people I have a pretty straight-forward question: how do you cope and heal after a break up when you feel like "how could you break up with me? how can you be so blind and not see how awesome i am?"..ok, you might think at this moment that i am pretentious but i think of myself as someone who has a lot to offer: in late 20s, masters in engineering, fluent in several languages, pretty good looks and so on...to make it worse, i know she had some long term relationships so my ego is screaming "why those guys are better than me? it's not fair! i didn't get a half a chance those guys got!!!" Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Accept that everyone else on the planet isn't going to find you as wonderful as you do. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Understand it was a mismatch and moving on is a good thing. Learn what you need to about yourself from the break up, then look forward and not back. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 the thing is this girl found me to be a really great guy, told me things i have never heard from any other girl and made me feel really special but had a change of heart and broke up so right now i am screaming inside "how could you be like that? your words mean crap to me!"...and it hurts so much Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Don't take it personally, you just weren't her cup of tea after all Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 i dunno really...said i was not giving enough attention to her, am selfish, not saying enough nice words to her which is not true from my point of view. on the other hand she is going through a lot right now so i am not sure did she even wanted a real relationship in the first place or just someone to feel good about herself. either way my ego hurts, especially when random thoughts appear how much fun she might have right now. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 It matters not what YOUR point of view of your effort was ----- her point of view on how you treated her is the deciding factor in her mind. You are jealous that she is having fun now with someone else? Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 It matters not what YOUR point of view of your effort was ----- her point of view on how you treated her is the deciding factor in her mind. You are jealous that she is having fun now with someone else? of course it is her decision and that her point of view matters the most but i don't feel i have done something wrong when i think about the relationship. i am not jealous - i just have this weird thought that she feels really good at the moment and me - well i am here confessing i feel hurt and low Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Well, she somehow felt that you weren't the right match ---- so if she is out dating again and finding the right guy, I guess she is feeling good. But nobody feels real good after a break up, not even the person who walked away. Get back out and into the game of life. This is a minor bump, not a traffic fatality. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 When someone doesn't own the capacity to 'see' how fabulous you are, then this doesn't speak of a deficiency in you, it speaks of her limitations. Head high, you've just screened her out. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 When someone doesn't own the capacity to 'see' how fabulous you are, then this doesn't speak of a deficiency in you, it speaks of her limitations. Head high, you've just screened her out. Gotta disagree with this. Just because someone doesn't see you as a life match doesn't make them a horrible person or somehow limited. All it means is you aren't a good fit. It's hard to find someone who is a good fit. If it was that easy this website would not exist. And God help us if breaking up with someone makes us bad people. We'd all be undateable. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Gotta disagree with this. Just because someone doesn't see you as a life match doesn't make them a horrible person or somehow limited. All it means is you aren't a good fit. Hi Clinton, We're saying the same thing, but I don't know where you're getting 'horrible person' out of respecting limitations. We all have them. Maybe a better word would be 'limits'. That's hardly an insult. If I don't enjoy someone else's favorite wine, that only speaks of my limitations--not the wine, or my friend's taste in wine. If my friend would call me a 'horrible person' because of this, I'd call that a leap--but I guess it would speak more of my taste in friends ; ) But yes, we agree. We're bound to meet more people who are NOT a good match for us--those are the odds. So in addressing the OP's question about the ego, if we view dating as screening out wrong matches rather than feeling harmed by those who cannot appreciate our unique value, we are mentally keeping our value in tact while respecting the limitations of others. My best, Cat Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 thank you for all your comments. i still find it hard how can some people go from "i will never let you go","i want you to be only mine", making plans together to "i can't go any further with this" in matter of days. hurts like hell, especially since i saw future with this girl. especially since we are not teenagers anymore but i guess age has never been a prerequisite for a mature behavior ...but this too shall pass Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I can sort of identify. I was dumped for a girl who is a convicted felon, drug addict, won't work....I could go on and on. Although we shouldn't think we are all tat and a bag of chips, sometimes, it's hard not to look at the "competition" and think....."really???" But, when I really examined it, my ex deserves a girl like her and not one like me....a hard worker, person with my head on half straight. By the way, his road with her hasn't been paved with flower petals......but, oh well...... You will heal in time, but it's not easy. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 yeah i feel you, though i don't thing i am being replaced it doesn't hurt any less. funny, few days before she had a change of heart i met her parents and received really good feedback so sometimes i think she has a fear of attachment or the "let's kill it before it grows" issue. i don't even know why i check my cellphone every 5 mins looking for a sign of life from her. but thanks for the support. i wish you all the best as well. Link to comment
Allipie Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 i struggle with this a lot lately. I was there for him, helped him etc etc etc but it's like it wasn't enough....like *I* wasn't good enough in other areas of my life. Now he is with some party girl. I know I shouldn't care because he's a bad person and i know I deserve better, but still....ego is bruised a lot. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 When you get dumped, it's not a judgement of you as a person. All it means is you weren't right for each other. Even George Clooney's been dumped. I don't think anyone thinks of him as not good enough. At the end of the day, attraction is a very fickle thing and subject to change at a moments notice. There are no garuntees. So don't take it so personally as hard as that may be. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 update: NC day 14, i feel much better, realized that some people are just full of **** e.g. during our very last convo she started to quote things of what she has done for me and to be honest: a) none of those things were spectacular b) if something was remotly spectacular i am sure i have reciprocated c) love shouldn't be really all about who was done more, about measuring or trying to quantify words and actions. love is imho doing things because you feel certain way, trying to make someone else feel equally good and you are not doing it just so you could keep the score or whatever. i feel still hurt and disappointed when i remember what she was saying and how her change of heart was sudden. but that too shall pass. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I've dated what I thought were really great guys that just weren't my match. I still think of them fondly and hope they are well . .and also second guess my decision at times. What I have learned from that is that it certainly didn't take anything away from them. So when I am on the other side and someone choses not to date me any longer. . (given it was a mutually respectful situation) I reflect on these nice guys I met and I can see how just because I am not someone's cup of tea doesn't take anything away from me. Well . . .for the most part. I have my moments though A large percent of attraction is subconscious. It's often not personal. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I've dated what I thought were really great guys that just weren't my match. I still think of them fondly and hope they are well . .and also second guess my decision at times. What I have learned from that is that it certainly didn't take anything away from them. So when I am on the other side and someone choses not to date me any longer. . (given it was a mutually respectful situation) I reflect on these nice guys I met and I can see how just because I am not someone's cup of tea doesn't take anything away from me. Well . . .for the most part. I have my moments though A large percent of attraction is subconscious. It's often not personal. i have dated some really great girls where i didn't feel much attraction, too but i've never gone from saying some pretty big words, meeting parents, making road trips and vacation plans etc. to "i feel different" and "i can't do this anymore", especially since she and i are no longer kids and she should know for better by now. and in this particular case i would really be ashamed even to mention some things that she mentioned, especially since she brought in a way like she was doing a favor to me. it's kinda let-down, don't you think? @reinventmyself: do you ever contact these guys that you think about? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 @reinventmyself: do you ever contact these guys that you think about? Depends. . I have one recent guy who is really nice and I asked him if it was ok if we could be friends. I thought putting it in the form of a question would be the best way and at the same time give him the option. He agreed. I have hung out with him a couple times and I think he feels I am reconsidering so I have distanced myself. It's not black and white. Yes, if I feel we are on the same page regarding friendship and no. . if I feel that they have moved on to something better for them or still invested in some way. "i will never let you go","i want you to be only mine", making plans together to ""' Sorry . . maybe my analogy doesn't apply if your situation had gone to this level. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 well, a great thing about being dumped and especially if you were doing everything right or at least most of the time is that there is no way you will ever wake up and start to ponder about choices you've made. that is kinda liberating. Link to comment
pourmeadrink Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 First of all, as someone has mentioned already, not everyone can appreciate what you have to offer and it doesn't make them or you a bad person. It just means that you two are not right for each other. Maybe not now or maybe ever. Another possibility is that this person might have actually appreciated you, but sometimes the timing is just not right. Link to comment
boniver88 Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 First of all, as someone has mentioned already, not everyone can appreciate what you have to offer and it doesn't make them or you a bad person. It just means that you two are not right for each other. Maybe not now or maybe ever. Another possibility is that this person might have actually appreciated you, but sometimes the timing is just not right. could be just bad timing but then again, she said she is under a lot of pressure, mostly self-inflictied pressure and job-related so i dunno. but also, some people keep looking for perfection just to realize i doesn't exist and that they have lost a lot of time. Link to comment
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