The mother and her family say I could have killed my daughter. It's not true.

[lerenard]

I DID NOT SMOKE WHILE SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH!! I was watching batman the dark knight rises on TV. I had gotten stoned before the movie and she started having contractions. There is a difference there. Oh wow... even better! Your wife is about to give birth, and you are smoking and watching movies. GREAT! I get the fact that this was "another you", and you are a totally different person now and so on, but your choices BACK THEN is what made your wife think about you in a certain way and it wont be easy for her to just forget it or shake it off and move on. You maybe stopped smoking for some months now, but you haven't done that WHILE you were still together and you had that chance to save your relationship. Now you were backed in to a corner so you quit. Congrats on that anyhow.

 

My ex got money from his parents to buy weed, and he was growing his own as well at some point, if it is any of your business.

 

Please read my post again - I never said you should be away for one year in a rehab and never see your daughter, but the way you show yourself here makes me feel you still are very emotionally unstable, and for somebody who had troubles with drugs and suicidal tendencies this is a very-very slippery path! This is why you need to WAIT till the dust settles and your wife maybe sees that you have changed, because honestly its up to her now to make a choice.

 

Screw the law? Ok. How would you feel if your child grew up and started smoking weed or dating an addict? Would you like a future like that for your daughter? Would you encourage her to date someone who would threaten her with suicide just to keep her by his side and manipulate her? Would you like that? I doubt this! And by the way - you already screwed the law million times, and if you don't want to see your child at all I advice you work with the laws this time, not against them.

[happy_snapper]

Well the court pretty much only has your word that you're better now. If you saw a news report that a guy had killed his daughter and himself while on an unsupervised visit, when the court knew he had a history of suicide, you'd be shouting at the TV "What the hell was that judge on when he let that happen!" On paper, you don't sound like a safe person to look after a child.

 

A couple of months ago you rammed your car into an electricity pole, trying to kill yourself, with no concern for the safety of those around you. You can't just say that you're better now. You have to show them that you're responsible and not a danger to anyone. A couple of months isn't enough.

If you shout and stamp your foot and refuse to follow their rules, then all you're doing is showing them that you're irresponsible.

Show them that you mean it. Follow their rules, keep your appointments, show them that you're a responsible adult.

 

Sorry that we're not doing what you want and agreeing with you, but if we don't agree then we're not going to say that we do, just to make you feel better.

[jay278]

*sigh*.. look.. I'm trying my very best here. Everyday I'm trying my best.

 

I am currently living with my nana and sleeping on couch cushions on the floor. Today on the way home from work I fell asleep on the train and missed my stop by a long shot. I had to walk 3 hours back to my nan's but it was good. Walking meditation. It also was a very stressful day today at work. Lift breakdown after lift breakdown. My boss was stressing out. I was sprinting all over town getting people out of elevator shafts. I'm also trying to quit ciggerette's and its very difficult. I am down to about 3-4 a day.

Also I have tried to get in touch with my dad over in Australia to help support me emotionally. As usual, no reply. Nothing. He is probably gambling again.

 

I'm done with Cannabis. I can't say this enough. It turns me into a disconnected person that I don't like. I will say though that pot did serve it's purpose when I was younger. I don't know how I would have got through my teen's without it.

 

Another thing. The rural road I chose to slam my pole into has nobody around. Closish to where A and I live. I knew very well my daughter was still with her mother. Even in the worst mindstate I have ever been in I still didn't want to hurt anybody. This is pretty important. I'm a very gentle person. I couldn't hurt a fly. Boxing training is great for releasing my pent up aggression though.

 

The court do not have to take my word for it. I encourage them to drug-test me as I have said in my affidavit, random one's also. I want to prove I am off pot for good.

 

Yes I was stoned when my daughter was born. But if A was present in this conversation she would tell you just like the doula and midwife that I did great supporting/massaging A in her labor. Despite what people will say it's still the one of the most magical moments in my crappy life.

 

I am looking at going and staying with bhuddist monks for 6 months to strengthen my body and spirit. I really enjoy meditation.

 

I asked everyone to be gentle. A lot of the stuff people are telling me I'm already well aware. I have had a very hard life. Being away from my daughter is just..... words can't explain it.. There is a huge chunk of myself missing from my life. I dream about I most nights. I wake up on the floor and am covered in tears. I breakdown sometimes at work in front of my boss. The emotional pain is beyond comprehension. He understands though. He knows my full story. Today also after we fixed a job I walked out and there was a young bloke carrying his young daughter down the street in front of me. I brokedown instantly. But I am handling it better now. I was raised to think that crying is weak and that men should be warriors. Now I realize and am comforted by my body trying to release my emotion.

 

Umm, what else. Yea I'm going to say it again. I don't agree with the law in this situation. I will play there game most likely because I want time with my daughter no matter what. But I still believe it's wrong.

 

I am very concerned for I also. A is an angry person. I looks very much like me. Wonder if A is neglecting her because she looks up at her with my eyes. Her teeth and sores were just heartbreaking to see last time. I wonder if she is dating a convict. I swear if this guy does anything to her....... That will be jail for me and the end of his life. But I don't even know if she is still dating him anyway. I know my thinking is extreme. I'm struggling here. Really struggling.

 

I guess.. I guess I'm holding onto hope. To be told I might have to have supervised contact for a year makes me very angry and then very sad. I can't center myself to meditate after some of the comments on here. I hope people understand.

 

I'm sorry for getting angry. Truthfully I really don't deserve a lot of the things that have happened to me but this is my life and am trying to change it. Pushing through with my emotional turmoil and striving forward. In the end when the dust has settled I will be stronger for it and I will have tons to teach my daughter about life.

 

The thought of I dating a guy like me is a nightmare. I won't let that happen. I will teach her better. I believe though that there is reason that I've had this life and these struggles. I will rise above.

 

Some of you are kinda ruthless though. You all know my story before you post and I've been very hurt by some of the comments. I really didn't need to read some of it.

 

Holding onto hope. I will rise above this.

[lerenard]

I can only wish you luck and a lot of strength and dedication on your way. Hope you will be getting better and your family will see it and accept you.

[bulletproof]

 

I don't agree with the law in this situation. I will play there game most likely because I want time with my daughter no matter what. But I still believe it's wrong.

 

It's fine to disagree with them. But I think you are doing the right thing by doing what they say in order to see your child. As stated before, she has no idea what the law says or doesn't say; she would just know she isn't seeing her father. And as a survivor of childhood abuse yourself, I am guessing you don't want anything bad for your daughter.

[abitbroken]

It doesn't matter if no one was around when you smashed yourself into a pole. It is an act of violence and you meant to do yourself in. Actually, it is WORSE because it looks like you intentionally picked a secluded place where the likelhihood of someone being immediately around to rescue you was smaller instead of a busy area.

 

the problem is that people - court, ex, us, have to go by your long track record of negative behaviors and the wrong decisions. The only time that will change is when the track record of right decisions is longer. You are angry at the court or the law, but the only one to blame is yourself. You are trying, but you can't just "try", you have to "do." Great you are trying to quit smoking. So quit. Stick with it. Stick with no more drugs. Stick with showing up to work on time. It is not your ex's fault you can't see your daughter and it is not the court's fault. The problem is when things don't go your way - you act in the extreme or you make excuses so it doesn't look as bad. When people see that pattern of blaming others and acting out when one doesn't get their way, they can predict that they might do something violent to a child by accident.

 

So from now on - one day at a time. Get yourself to the point where you can get your own place - find an in-law apartment somewhere or a room for rent or whatever. As the days, months, roll by without incident and you can find yourself at some type of peace, the more likely you are to see your daughter.

[jay278]

Someone who has read this thread has called the New Zealand police on me. I'm just venting.

 

Well why would a suicidal person want rescuing silly? In my mind it was because there was no one around.

 

I have never been late to work. Would you like to attack me with the kitchen sink next?

 

I really want to delete this thread. It has made me feel terrible. Can someone direct me on how to delete it please?

[bulletproof]

Would you like to attack me with the kitchen sink next?

 

Nobody is attacking you. They're using the information you gave, facts from your life, and basically showing you how objective outsiders (which would include the court) view the situation. It's perspective that you seem to really need. People are actually trying to help, but I think you are too blinded by pride/anger/desire to be right, that you can't see it.

 

I'm sure there are many suicidal people that would want rescuing. And since nobody is a mind-reader, people err on the side of caution. With good intentions, not to upset you or hurt you in any way.

 

FYI, for future reference, don't put so much identifying information in your posts. And ask one of the moderators how to delete—maybe in the forum assistance section?

[abitbroken]

Someone who has read this thread has called the New Zealand police on me. I'm just venting.

 

Well why would a suicidal person want rescuing silly? In my mind it was because there was no one around.

 

I have never been late to work. Would you like to attack me with the kitchen sink next?

 

I really want to delete this thread. It has made me feel terrible. Can someone direct me on how to delete it please?

 

Well - there are two ways to deal with these things =

 

1) Blame other people for making you feel terrible.

 

2) Look at the things in your life that people are pointing out and fixing them so you no longer feel terrible. If you create a life you are proud of, you won't feel terrible. You will feel hopeful and proud. So create your own silver lining. You have to pay for the consequences of your prior actions, but eventually those things will be far in the distance and things will start to go your way.

 

People are telling you to keep at it - keep staying clean, etc, and good things will come. It is the attitude that you have where it is everyone else's fault or that the reason things are bad is because of other people is what is keeping you in this vicious cycle. It just eats at you. You are the only one responsible now for what happens next. It doesn't matter what your ex does, what we do, what the court does - it is all up to you to turn things around and it may take time and patience and keeping at things for things to turn out your way and if they don't, you have to roll with it and appreciate the little progresses that do happen.

[jay278]

I'm not even reading anyone's posts anymore..

 

Maybe you people should think about the way you talk to others.

 

I could care less

[jay278]

A has changed her mind again and now wants to have mediation after canceling the last mediation and going no contact forcing me into court.

 

We will be having a phone conference with my support person in the coming weeks to talk about visitations and contact. The person on the phone told me A doesn't see the need for me to have supervised contact anymore. I will still be going to court with her to vary the parenting order.

 

So all of you were wrong. Dead wrong. Every-single one of you on you're high horse telling me things that I knew were not right. "You will be having unsupervised contact within the month" said the Child, Youth and Family lady. "I hope this helps relieve your stress". It sure did. This forum made it worse. Fear based thinkers. Politically correct sheeples.

[abitbroken]

A has changed her mind again and now wants to have mediation after canceling the last mediation and going no contact forcing me into court.

 

We will be having a phone conference with my support person in the coming weeks to talk about visitations and contact. The person on the phone told me A doesn't see the need for me to have supervised contact anymore. I will still be going to court with her to vary the parenting order.

 

So all of you were wrong. Dead wrong. Every-single one of you on you're high horse telling me things that I knew were not right. "You will be having unsupervised contact within the month" said the Child, Youth and Family lady. "I hope this helps relieve your stress". It sure did. This forum made it worse. Fear based thinkers. Politically correct sheeples.

 

We never said you wouldn't have visitation. We just said that if you wanted unsupervised visitation to continue, you had to drop the "blaming the world" attitude and keep on the straight path. i wish you the best and I hope you can find a place of peace where you don't think the world is against you.

[jay278]

I don't blame the world for anything. I'm just going through a rough time. Wrong again.

 

Can someone direct me on how to delete this thread please? You people clearly have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to the New Zealand family court laws or the reality of my mindstate and situation.

[Hellboy]

The way you act and talk to people here is a clear reflection as to part of the reason why you are in the situation you're in. You don't seem to want to take responsibility for your actions or admit how serious they are. Instead you act like they're no big deal and act like you don't understand why people are reacting the way they are. You're immature, an addict, and want to talk about how much worse your wife is than you. You want to go to war with her over seeing your child, yet you won't go to a supervised visitation. You are so insulted by that prospect. You must not be too eager to see the child. As far as skype and so forth, maybe the mother doesn't want to have to deal with you or the possibility of conflict. Perhaps that's what her lawyer told her to do. The fact that you didn't follow your lawyer's advice and told the court she was brilliant suggests to me that you may be wanting this conflict for the sake of conflict. She may be worse off than you, but courts favor the mother. If you convince them she is unfit, your child will likely end up in foster care until one of you can get your act together for at least a year.

 

If one person tells you something, you can ignore them. If two or more people tell you the same thing, you should listen.

[jay278]

Yea because I'm smoking pot and unemployed and depressed right? I already knew what I had to do before I created this thread and was doing it and am still doing it. I don't need condescension from a forum of strangers. Making this thread was clearly a mistake. None of you know what you're talking about.

 

I'll say it again. How do I delete this thread?

[lerenard]

You can`t delete it. Because when you registered here and signed the Terms of Use, you agreed to the fact that everything you post in here will stay here. You can ask moderators to delete it, but I am not sure if this is how it works.

 

You listed several issues of yours here -

Abandonment of my father and watching the person he is. Dealing with the abuse from my Mother and Step-father. The favoritism of my sister. The vast amounts of regret looking back at the relationship with A.. Wishing I was still a virgin. Feeling I was being replaced as the father of the kid. Feeling I was a terrible father. Cannabis and video gaming addiction. The surgery's I've gone through which I won't mention here. Last but not least sick to death of my anxiety and being so nervous and sensitive in every situation.

 

Do you think these are all solved? Do you still have so much regret and pity for yourself?

 

I wont get into details of my own story here, but I had some horror in my life, up to almost being killed two times by a person I loved with my whole heart and someday wanted to have kids with. And he was an addict and he was emotionally unstable with a lot of hate towards his parents, just like you are. And I know you are sober, but you do still struggle with emotional pain and doubt and regret. And I can imagine how your daughter is the only thing that keeps you happy and away from these bad emotions. It is great that you have made her a big big stimulus for you to stay sober and to get better. This is great! But please get your emotions under control, don't let them rule your life any longer, because they are destructive and YOU know that deep inside.

 

Its not about us being right or wrong, what we see here is your plain black and white text, your reactions and your answers to what we say. And some of us were hurt by people with addictions/ex-addicts, by emotionally unstable people, by people with anger issues and so on. And you said it yourself - you would never wish your daughter to have a drug addict as a BF/husband, or to have children with somebody like that. Or somebody unstable.

 

Most of us come from painful background, just like you, but we try to grow past that, and to stop hating/being angry/blaming people for our mistakes and so on, we can say "hey, I was wrong, but I am growing and I am getting there". And just to remind you - you are the one being rude here, calling people names. YOU came here for help. You accepted the terms of use and made a post here. Not to be patted on the head. If you can`t take it - leave. If you want to see different opinions and if you have a strength in you to accept that not everybody will agree with you - stay and continue. Some people here are twice your age, they are wiser and saw a lot in this life. They have a lot of experience, and they are worth listening to, if you can shut your ego and your self-pity down for just a moment. But I have a slight feeling you are not very good with taking advice and respecting people in general, so go on tell me I am wrong and I know nothing about you. Just please don't forget you have no idea about people here as well, about their pasts, their pain and their progress.

[Hellboy]

Thank you, I couldn't have said it any better.

[Capricorn3]

I'll say it again. How do I delete this thread?

Sorry, we don't delete threads.

[jay278]

I encourage people not to delete posts. I havn't deleted any of mine.

 

Suppose I'll keep going. It's just I've gotten myself into trouble with the NZ police because of my comments about that paedophile guy so I'm unable to express how I feel on that subject. I am of the opinion that most parents would react violently if there child was being molested. I'm not saying that's what's happening though. It was no reason to call the New Zealand police on me. The police officer told me specifically this is what the person who read this thread called them about. Is it really so bad to vent on a public forum about wanting to kill a possible molester of my child? This is a very negative subject and I'm going to stop entertaining it now. I'm 120% sure A was attempting to mess with my head when she said that to me and my daughter is safe and sound.

 

Well, I've got mediation tomorrow and I'm anxious about it. I've spoken to our mediator quite a few times and we get along well. I don't think she was supposed to tell me this but apparently her and A had a few heated discussions because she keeps cancelling the mediation and then re-booking it which has been distressing for all involved. We are having a phone conference which is good. I'm nervous to here A's voice but I know if I spend some time meditating beforehand I'll be ok. I'm going to stick to affidavit in terms of visitations and stuff.

 

A is still pushing for supervised contact and I am still on the fence about it. At this point I really don't care I just want to see my daughter. I do feel it's not right though personally because I would never hurt my daughter. It is really irrelevant if A or what anyone else thinks because I know I wouldn't. Unfortunately I've lost many of my powers as a legal guardian because of my suicide attempt so I'll probably have to have the supervision. I'll say it again, regardless of what anyone thinks or how emotionally unstable they think I might get in the future I'm truly no harm to my daughter. People's opinions are irrelevant here. Even A's or the courts. I know me. There is no need to talk about this further. I accept my situation.

 

I have stopped speaking to A's mother about updates because I don't feel it's helpful in my recovery to have things like "you lost your rights as a father when you smashed yourself into a pole" said to me among many other comments. So at this point I'm relying on the mediation/courts to help me out.

 

I've been going well. I'm sober and working hard, gained 8 kg's of muscle and having real progress with meditation. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I don't think I'm an emotionally unstable person. Thing's have been rough and I havn't dealt with it well but I did learn from it and that's important. In my mind I have been through the worst and am coming out into the light and it feels great. I've faced my demons and although it's really hard being away from my baby girl I know it must be for the best in the current situation. Kinda sucks though because I have so much to teach her and I can't help me feeling every day gone is another day I've missed with her and can't get back.

 

Last I heard about a month ago my daughter is talking and doing potty training well. Her hair has grown quite long and apparently she looked at a picture of me at A mothers house and said "daddy". This piece of info has really kept me going. So that's nice. That's about all I know unfortunately.

 

I don't understand why I can't Skype/phone my daughter either but as long as I keep meditating/boxing/working I feel I can deal with anything and keep rational about it.

 

I've met a new lady. I'll call her S. She's very gentle, laid back and beautiful. I've been on 2 dates with her and had some very passionate sex twice. I'm seeing her tomorrow after my mediation. She knows my full story. I told her everything on the 1st date and she actually listened and was interested. I told her straight up that I wanted her to know my story and she could decide from there. She's pretty hard on me which is good and she's supportive in the area's where I need it. We talk on the phone quite a bit. I can make her laugh at will. I'm worried though that I may not be able to fall in love with her. I want to but I'm a bit damaged. I don't know. It's still early days.

 

To finish I want to tell everyone that despite what I said earlier I've read everyone's replies thoroughly. I still disagree and agree with bits and pieces of each and that's ok. I stand by with the brunt of what I have said In the entire thread. I want everyone to know that I'm not blaming anyone. I want everyone to know that just because I came from an abusive upbringing does not mean I myself am abusive. I want everyone to know that Cannabis is not Heroine and giving it up has been extremely easy. I do not think you can call a pothead a drug addict. Many will agree or disagree on this. Up to you. Lastly I want everyone to know that I love you all and thank-you for your time spent talking to me even though I wasn't ready to hear most of it. I also want to remind readers that I'm not and will never be as politically correct as some of the other folks on here come accross as to me. I live a very holistic and alternative lifestyle. It's ok to go against the grain.

 

Ok, off to work.