My mom is seriously effed up - asking for advice

[m.d.]

She's seriously messed up. I really see now, at 21 years old, what a bad influence she had on me. My parents divorced after 10 years of being together, when I was 9 years old... We were very comfortable, then obviously 1 paycheck went out, I'm saying this because the financial roll that got her on may be a reason behind some of the behavior... So basically, she's just a really unsupportive, toxic person, I even hint a bit of jealousy going on. I model on and off, I get money from men and I think the easy 'hedonistic' lifestyle that I'm living is really bothering her - that is, in contrast to her hardworking for dimes self. But I never really got much support, I wanted to be in entertainment all my life basically, I was singing and entering competitions as a child, but there was nobody to push me to do it, she claims she never saw passion in the 1st place (which is obviously a lie, because sing and perform is all I did as a child). She just never treated it seriously. Nor she does any activities that I engage in now. She seriously has a problem with EVERY single thing I do, like every day new grudges come up. If the day goes smoothly, she will find something about the way I dress and so forth. I only got this type of behavior from toxic female friends that I had, that were really trying to build up their self-esteem at my expense. She only notices negative things about me and ridicules every thing I do to try to get my career further. Maybe it's just this particular path that she doesn't approve? If I'd be in law or medical school, I'd get all the love surely. My college I need to finance myself, car I need to get myself, every single expense extra outside of shelter (although sometimes I need to pay a rent) and food I need to cover myself.

She is not a go-getter, any type of successful person, so I can't look up to her at all.

When I point this out, she withdraws saying she won't talk to me when I'm attacking her or tells me I have been a problematic child, so I should not expect any extra treatment.

I even overhear her talking about me with her friends, it hits me how she's disconnected from my persona, you know how most people treat strangers, judge without getting into the story of a person, that's how she's talking about me, like I'm just her child, not my own person, individual with her own goals and views and values.

Now the extreme behavior that I'm getting is racial remarks even, I'm a mixed-race daughter of a Polish mother and if she gets really pissed, she tells me stuff like being dumb is typical for my kind etc. I don't know what's the goal behind this.

Can you tell me what's going on? I'm thinking about sending her to a therapist or whatever.

[bulletproof]

I model on and off, I get money from men and I think the easy 'hedonistic' lifestyle that I'm living is really bothering her...

 

What do you mean, you get money from men? And what kind of entertainment business are you in besides modeling on and off?

 

I think that you can't change anyone, only yourself. If you are that unhappy and feel she is being abusive toward you, then you should move out. You're 21, so it isn't unreasonable to think you'd be living on your own.

 

And if you are often finding yourself at odds with females (your friends, your mother) then you might have to consider that you might be playing a part in that.

[Rickshaw]

Yes what do you mean you get money from men? For what? Also stop communicating with your mother until you guys resolve your issues with each other.

[SpottiOtti]

It's your mother's right to express disapproval about your lifestyle. It is your right not to listen to her. But in order to show her that you are an adult now who can make her own choices, it's best that she not support you financially in any way from now on.

 

I think you're being pretty hard on her - I didn't read anything in your post that suggests she was abusive or toxic to you. What your description indicated to me is a woman who tried and did the best she could to raise a daughter by herself. Now she sees her daughter going in a direction that worries her (taking money from men? Like dancing or prostitution or what?), so she is trying to tell you that. That comes out of love and concern - surely you can consider that?

 

It's normal not to get money for college, especially from a financially strapped single parent. (They're called student loans - go to link removed and check it out.) It's normal to have to pay your own bills, buy your own food. I moved out of my parents' house at 18 and I paid for all of the things you describe plus rent and utilities, by myself. It can be done. So if you don't like your mother's suggestions about how you're living your life, move out.

[agent1607307371]

Well you can't send her to a therapist. You can see one yourself though, to help you deal with your mum's affect on you. And a parent throwing racist remarks at their child is something that it might be really useful to get some help with processing.

[catfeeder]

She is not a go-getter, any type of successful person, so I can't look up to her at all.

When I point this out, she withdraws saying she won't talk to me when I'm attacking her

 

Then stop attacking her, move out, and make your money any way you want to.

 

You can't have it both ways. If you want to live under her roof, it's her way. If you want it your way, use your earnings to buy your own roof. And if you're smart, you'll be kind about it so you can visit for brunch on Sundays and do your laundry there.

[m.d.]

I'm not moving out, because it's my flat, it's a flat my dad bought shortly before a divorce.

 

Well you can't send her to a therapist. You can see one yourself though, to help you deal with your mum's affect on you. And a parent throwing racist remarks at their child is something that it might be really useful to get some help with processing.

So this is like normal to you?

 

I know paying your own bills can be done but it doesn't have to, I could support my own for as long as possible.

[mhowe]

The ethnic ur she said to you refers to HER background. Isn't it her who is Polish?

[bulletproof]

I'm not moving out, because it's my flat, it's a flat my dad bought shortly before a divorce.

So how did your mother wind up living there? And why would you have to pay a rent sometimes if your father bought it for you?

 

I know paying your own bills can be done but it doesn't have to, I could support my own for as long as possible.

But it does have to. You are 21 years old. Your mother shouldn't be paying for anything at this point. If the only way to live without her is to live without her financial assistance, then that's how it has to go.

 

So how are you making money that she disapproves of?

[m.d.]

The ethnic ur she said to you refers to HER background. Isn't it her who is Polish?

It's me that's Black that the slurs are directed at

[m.d.]

So how did your mother wind up living there? And why would you have to pay a rent sometimes if your father bought it for you?

 

 

But it does have to. You are 21 years old. Your mother shouldn't be paying for anything at this point. If the only way to live without her is to live without her financial assistance, then that's how it has to go.

 

So how are you making money that she disapproves of?

 

Well, I'm 21, we have been a normal 2 people family, so its normal for people to live together, no? 21 is not that much, I don't like to take on a whole lot of responsibility + its my flat that my dad bought for me/us so I am absolutely not moving out and if anything its her who will go on to do that

 

She dissaproves of modeling for example which irks me because I should be getting support

 

It's irrelevant how I make my money, I'm just saying what to do with her, I don't want anybody that's an enemy of me and my goals in my life

[Hell_On_Heels]

No one is attacking what you do or your career goals.

 

However, your mom does have the right to disagree with your choice, and to express that disagreement. Most parents just aren't excited about a job that relies on youth. Youth ends, and how will you support yourself then? She's not a bad mom at all for worrying about these kinds of things, or health problems associated with models, or lifestyles, too.

 

Frankly, being willing to kick your mom out of a place that's already paid for is mean. She works very hard and earns very little for it. She's supported you in every way she knew how your whole life. Why would you think she owes you at this point in your life?

 

List some things you are grateful for about her.

[Capricorn3]

To be brutally honest, I can totally understand WHY your mother feels the way she does about you and your lifestyle. I don't see anything which would indicate that she is "effed up" (your words) at all. If anything, total opposite - it shows a mother who actually DOES give a damn about your welfare. On the other hand, at the risk of being flamed, you seem very self-centred and selfish where you seem to EXPECT her to continue paying your way for you and just about everything else. You are 21 years old. If you don't like the situation, move out.

 

Maybe it's time to start looking deep within.

[Madamdiva007]

I don't think anyone likes responsibility but it's part of growing up and becoming an adult. Sorry, that's just the way life is. As soon as I turned 18, I had to start paying my mom rent and helping out with the bills if I wanted to continue living with her.

[lerenard]

I am also really interested in what "I get money from men" means.

 

You said you were 9 when your parents divorced, and you dad bought a flat where you live now shortly before that. I don't think he bought it for YOU then, because you were 9, and he bought it before they separated with your mom. So he bought it for you as a family, not for you to own. And children mostly move out of their family flats to live on their own if they don't want control from their parents. Correct me if I am wrong. If you are so independent and have enough money - rent a place of your own, pay your own bills and live the life you want without your mom judging you. As long as you stay there, living with her, you have you have to deal with her not approving what you do. Also who cooks and cleans in that flat that "you" own? Probably your mom.

 

I would also suggest therapy for you, because your mother is not a real problem here. And I wonder what would you feel, when you have a child and he/she calls you crazy and effed up.

 

I lived away from my parents since I was 16, working, studying and paying for myself. It is a part of growing up and becoming independent.

[Hell_On_Heels]

And I wonder what would you feel, when you have a child and he/she calls you crazy and effed up.

 

I can answer that. Unfortunately. You feel terrible, as if reality is somehow tilted sideways. You wonder what is wrong with your kid - and the world - when you do 100 things right, and 5 wrong, but it's the wrong that is focused on. You know you are not perfect and that no one is...so how did an expectation of perfect parenting ever become the norm? You long to be seen as a human being instead of a robot.

 

But mostly, it's sheer agony. And you know that any wound your child has inflicted on you will one day be felt by the child as well.

 

Unless the child begins to feel some gratitude and compassion, there will be nothing but pain for you both. You now, and the child later.

[m.d.]

I don't want to become independent yet, I have a right to do so, why the hell I'm supposed to be grateful for something that parent is SUPPOSED to do anyway?

[mhowe]

Parents are "supposed" to support you ---- after age 18 you are considered independent in the eyes of the gov't.

 

While the certainly can if they wish to do so, I wouldn't expect that of a parent who doesn't approve of your lifestyle.

[lerenard]

If you don't want to be independent - then get a grip and accept the fact that your mother wont/shouldn't approve what you do. She also is not supposed to support you after you are 18, especially with the way you treat her.

 

It is not about being independent anyway, you enjoy your mom being there, probably cooking and cleaning after you. You just don't want her to have an opinion.

[m.d.]

I dont get the glorification of parenthood in this thread, dont have means to support, dont give birth, its simple

[mhowe]

It isn't the glorification of parenthood --- it is the entitlement of a "child" of 21.

[m.d.]

If you don't want to be independent - then get a grip and accept the fact that your mother wont/shouldn't approve what you do. She also is not supposed to support you after you are 18, especially with the way you treat her.

 

It is not about being independent anyway, you enjoy your mom being there, probably cooking and cleaning after you. You just don't want her to have an opinion.

How am I treating her?

 

Of course, I want the comfort of getting my things done without having to focus on anything else

while you start fighting for survival, its hard to get out of the treadmill

[Madamdiva007]

I dont get the glorification of parenthood in this thread, dont have means to support, dont give birth, its simple

It's really sad to see how judgemental you are bring towards your mother. You actually sound quite hypocritical, by the way. You talk about how wrong your mother is to be judging you and your lifestyle, yet you judge your mother for getting pregnant and having a child (you) with the man she was once married to. Makes no sense...

[abitbroken]

There are people in the entertainment industry that work very hard. If you sometimes model and "get money from men," I would be very alarmed, as your mother. I wouldn't have raised my daughter to have sugar daddies. Modeling on the side while working another job until it really takes off and she is making good money from it - yes - but using her looks to squeeze money out of men OR to even accept it - nope. I think its terrible that you look down on your mom for working hard and saving every dime like you are better than her. What happens when you get a little older and men stop wanting to shower you with money? Or what if you can't model anymore because you gain weight and the weight doesn't sit on you proportionally? Also, if you are not focused on your nutrition and fitness at all times, you will not last long. Also, there is modeling and there is modeling. There is runway modeling, doing hair shows, print ads or even the local store's flier. Then there is doing fetish modeling, etc, that is not the same deal. So, what do you do? Do you do actual modelling or do you pose for whatever picture they want you to do?

 

How am I treating her?

 

Of course, I want the comfort of getting my things done without having to focus on anything else

while you start fighting for survival, its hard to get out of the treadmill

 

You are 21 years old - an ADULT who makes her own choices and it doesn't matter what kind of upbringing you have had - now its what you do with it. Boo hoo so you had to pay for school yourself because she couldn't. LOTS of people do that. She is not a bad mother. And it didn't matter if you were a baker, a lawyer, or Indian chief - if you blame your situation on your mom at this time, you are not thinking like an adult.

 

If you want to audition for some singing show if you are that good - no one is holding you back. If you actually put your mind to it and worked hard - mom would respect that - but thinking you can get a free ride with a pretty smile or doing things half is not going to impress her.

[m.d.]

I liked this response. I actually have a plan B for what's later on but so far I want to enjoy my early years.